Merry Christmas!

Since my last post, "The Demanding Diva," I have been handling my 2 year old much better and able to set parameters for behavior a little more clearly. Thus, she has been less of a diva, less demanding, and even a joy to be around. I have had some general queasiness to deal with due to being pregnant, and some nights I go to bed feeling sick and wake up not too much better off.

Today I felt generally okay. A mild unsettled feeling in my tummy seemed to be hanging around all day, but food didn't put me off and I partook in many of the Christmas sweets that were hanging around my Aunt's house. Some treats were given as a gift and made their way home with me, thankfully I have pregnancy as an excuse to eat what would normally be off my diet. I like that excuse.

I was very happy to go to my Aunt's house and see how she is currently doing, she was in an accident on the last day of March and in the hospital from April to early December. Even though my husband is out of the country, and this being the first Christmas without my Mom, I think the visit went rather well. My Uncles were all very sociable and even interacted with my daughter a bit. That was pleasant. To explain that comment a bit...

One of my Uncles is not married and loves math and is very analytical, and makes you realize why no woman has wanted to marry him. He is just too... logical and not as sensitive as a woman would like a husband to be. But since the passing of my Mom (his sister) he has been talking to me more and engaging me in conversation, and even if it is about math half the time it has been nice. The other Uncle is severely bi-polar and was treated for schizophrenia for many years until they figured out he was being treated for the wrong mental disorder (this is greatly due to the successful treatment of my Mom for bi-polar and her Doctor saying it was very unlikely for her to have a brother with a completely different mental disorder). My Uncle lived with his Mom until she passed away and has lived across from my Aunt and her husband since then. He had almost no personality most of my life growing up, the schizophrenia medication tends to subdue one's personality. Very sad. But now every time I see him he seems to have come out of his shell a little more. He use to be very antisocial and stay at his house across the way and only visit for a few minutes at a time. But this visit he chatted away with everyone and even asked about KD and what words she was saying and asked about her general development. His face was very animated and he smiled a lot, not the Uncle I remember as a little girl. So this was very good to see.

My Aunt and her husband are very normal and loving people (nice to have SOME normal relatives). She and my Mom were very close and my Aunt is someone I have always looked up to and wanted to imitate her hospitality to family and friends and general kind and loving demeanor. I always thought she was a very special person. Even KD gravitates toward her. Even with my Aunt sitting in a wheel chair and half her teeth missing and her hair all chopped off and her voice sounding a bit strange (from having a tracheotomy done on her throat) KD wanted to go over to her and sit in her lap and play. Children can sense goodness in people, and my Aunt has a LOT of goodness in her. That warmed my heart to see them interacting together. My Aunt also was there when KD was born and practically delivered her! My Aunt was a labor and delivery nurse for over 22 years and when she came to the hospital the day I was delivering KD the Doctor didn't make it in time for KD's arrival. My Aunt and the nurse from the hospital were the ones that handled the whole thing!

I told my Aunt that she needs to get well enough for a repeat performance in August. And she said, "Definitely!" I told her how much she helped me out, with my breathing, and keeping me calm, and just that she was there when the Doctor wasn't I am sure helped out that nurse attending to me! She was glad she helped me out so much. And I truly do hope she is capable of doing the same thing when August rolls around. I can't imagine going through that without her the next time! I am sure I would be fine, but I would rather her be there. She was such a great coach!

My Aunt and Unlce's kids came and went. At the middle of my visit my Cousin and his wife were there to exchange gifts and have some lunch. They are fun people. Very animated in the way they talk and have a lot of things to chat with you about. No lack of conversation when they are around. And later in the evening my other Cousin came with her gifts to exchange, but most of the family had made their exit by then. Her kids weren't with her, but it was good to see her at least. She played with KD and I had a chance to play the piano for my Aunt. My Aunt always asks me to play her baby grand piano for her when I visit, and I gladly oblige. The TV was even muted for me as my Uncle, Aunt, and Cousin all listened and enjoyed. It was a small gathering of family, but it didn't feel like Christmas until I did that. They even said the same. The only thing that was missing was my Mom standing beside the piano singing along with the Christmas carols and my Aunt joining in on the alto in harmony. (My Aunt can't very well sing right now.) But the nostalgia was still felt as I sat there and played in the dimly lit room where the Christmas tree was lit and the piano sits waiting for someone to come along and tickle it's ivory keys. Poor lonely piano. My Aunt was learning how to play but never got to be that proficient in it. My Mom was the pianist of her family and then I took it up when I was 6 and took lessons all the way into my college years. So then I became the pianist of the family. It's nice to be that person, the one that plays the Christmas carols as family gathers around and sings along. I would have played earlier when my Uncles were still there, but KD was napping and so was my Aunt at one point. So I didn't want to wake anyone.

Overall I would say I am very blessed to have my family to visit and spend time with this Christmas and I hope everyone else had a very Merry Christmas as well. God bless!

Demanding Diva

My two year old is very demanding, and today it was bothering me quite a bit. Being preggie and tired and emotional doesn't really equip one very well to deal with the mood swings and demands of a toddler. With KD's Daddy gone a week now I think we both are feeling the void. Its nice when he is home. He is able to help me out and help me cater to our little princess' every need or whim. With him gone I am feeling the single parent pressure. She is going to have to learn to deal with some disappointments.

This is how the day goes "Mommy hold me." I pick her up. "I want juice, I want snack, I want crackers, I want chicken, I want orange." Yes, these demands are all in one string and I have barely a chance to get a word in edge wise. I say, "You want juice?" KD, "Yeah!" with a big smile. I say, "Say please." KD, "Pleeeaase!!" I get up to get her the juice. KD in the living room starts to rattle off her other requests, I am in the kitchen and about to go nuts. KD then says, "Mommy hold me!" and starts to whine... I want juice, snack, orange! I yell back, "I am getting it! I can't hold you and get your food at the same time!" I know I shouldn't yell back, but I am getting frustrated. The preggie hormones make me feel like I am PMS-ing, getting really emotional and irritable. At this point I am wishing JD was home to help out. But he will be gone for another month, so I know that isn't going to happen. KD then cries about something in the other room, "I dropped it!" she perhaps dropped a toy on the floor or a cracker and the dog is now scooping it up... and she doesn't want to get off the couch to fetch it. I usually say, "It's okay, go pick it up." or "The doggie has it now, oh well. I am getting you juice and chicken."

This routine is constant. After she gets a few foods in front of her she demands a new food. I say, "Finish your chicken. No cookies until you eat your chicken." She takes two bites and is on it again... "Cookie?" Ughhh, it's exhausting sometimes. If I give her juice she now wants milk. There is just no pleasing her, and I think she never stops eating! My goodness! I swear you would think I am starving her to hear her ask for food all the time. Even down to the last minute before bed time she is asking for another snack and a refill on her milk or juice!

I am watching the clock closely to see if its time for her nap yet or time for bed. I can't wait to get her asleep so I can have a peaceful moment to myself. And usually at her nap time I need a nap myself! Before its time for her to go to bed I am already falling asleep on the couch as she sits on my lap and eats her 100th snack and downs her milk, while watching PBS Sprouts or Nick Junior. I am lucky if she lets me get away with a little snooze too. Pretty soon she is off the couch and wants me to play with her and Mr. Potato Head, or get up and dance to the silly song that is playing on Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't wait until JD is home again and he can field the runs to the kitchen for the 100th time or take the second round of dancing. Like I said, she is going to have to learn to deal with some disappointment.

I can't hold her and prepare her food (some things I can, but not all things) and when my belly gets bigger I won't be able to do much picking up at all. And I can't run after her through the house to play tag for 15 minutes and then do a silly dance for a half hour, and I am sure that is not going to improve with the pregnancy. And I am not willing to give into every demand or whim. She is going to have to get use to only one or two food groups at a time. I am NOT getting up and down all day long to fetch her food when she hasn't finished what I just gave her. This toddler is going to be giving me tantrums and getting time outs and I am going to be at my wits ends for a bit until she gets the message! Poor girl... poor preggie ME!

I do have my in-laws down the street to help me out. Opi (the name for her Grandpa) and Grama are helpful. Tonight I made an SOS call to them when I just was fed up with the, "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna..." and her crying when she didn't get her way. I was in no mood for the whole thing. I was about to blow my top, and that is not good. I am not a good Mother when I start to lose it. Yelling and spanking are not things I want to start doing, especially in an emotional state. It's not fair to KD either for me to behave that way. She won't understand why I am so irritable or why I am blowing up at her. So, it's good to make that phone call and get the help before I get to that breaking down point. If I can't be calm and talk to her quietly, and just let her know she is due for a time out in a composed manner, I am not in a good place. She responds well to me when I am calm and when she is merely threatened with a time out. If I am about to yell at her, or I do yell at her, then the SIREN in my brain starts to go off and I know its time to call in the troops to help.

Ok, I feel better now after venting. Hopefully tonight I will get a good night's sleep and feel refreshed and revived and have a new perspective on things in the morning. I hope I can get these preggie hormones under control, dig in and be the good Mommy my toddler deserves, and pull in the reins on my little "Demanding Diva." She will be happier and I will have a more peaceful household. All will be well.

So far so good

I have only known I am pregnant for less than a week now. The day before I took a pregnancy test I felt a cramp in my stomach in one specific spot in my lower abdomen (can we say "implantation"?) and then some general cramping that was lighter and radiated across my lower abdomen. I took the test the next morning and it was positive (day 26 of cycle). Yay! That day the cramping continued to radiate across my lower abdomen and then some light (very light) spotting happened a few times during that day. After that, the cramping subsided and no more spotting, thank goodness. I was happy I wasn't seeing bright red after the positive test!
On day 28 of my cycle I decided to take the other preg test I had left, just to see it turn positive! haha... It just seems like a dream when you first see that positive and its nice to see your dreams are confirmed to be fact. The test turned positive within a millisecond LOL... definitely pregnant!
A couple days later I had some nausea and dizziness when I worked out. So I ended up doing a grocery trip for some preggie friendly foods (as well as nutritional) and added the Saltines and Ginger Ale in there too! The next day I worked out I felt fine, no dizziness and actually felt energized.

Hoping to stay focused and fit and healthy throughout pregnancy #2 and praying this one is a keeper! Which... I have a feeling it is. All symptoms so far are 100% normal and I am not too worried about a miscarriage at this time. Praying for baby #2 and thanking the Lord for His blessing, what a GREAT Christmas gift!

Doing the Happy Dance!

After all my moaning and whining on this blog its about time I had good news to share about trying for baby #2... I am pregnant! Whoo Hoo! It's very new, I'm just 4 weeks into it and no Doctor's appointment yet. I waited to write on my blog until I told my close friends and family members about the event. I didn't want anyone to just happen to read my blog before I got the news out.

Even though it is early I like telling friends and family about the fact that I am pregnant. I know that the first trimester is scary because its the highest risk trimester for miscarriages. But I also know that if that happened I would want my close friends and family to know what was going on and be there for moral support as well. So, there you have it. I am still praying that all goes well and this pregnancy is as drama free as my last one. I had no problems with KD and the only thing she did that was off track was not turn around for her due date early enough. But she got there when she needed to be. Otherwise the whole thing went picture perfect.

I am so glad we got preggers this time around that JD was home. We would have had a couple more windows of opportunity coming up and then we would have stopped trying a few months to avoid overlapping with birthdays and Christmas. (I don't know if I actually would have skipped future opportunities over those reasons, but JD thinks we would have.) This baby is due at the end of August and JD's rotation shows he is suppose to be home the entire month. That is a blessing and a half. Being a pilot's wife, it can be stressful to be pregnant and know that the due date is when he will be away from home. Of course I am crossing my fingers that his rotation schedule doesn't change. That is always a possibility, but he just got this one with his new position in the Falcon.

People have been asking if we want a boy or a girl and if we want to find out before the baby is born. My feeling is I would take either. I'm 50/50 on the issue. A girl would be great because then KD would have a little sister and I think it would be fun for them to have each other as friends. But then a boy would be great because we would have one of each and I wouldn't feel bad for JD not getting his boy. JD said (after he found out I was pregnant) that he will be equally happy either way, as long as the baby is healthy. I know that is somewhat true, but I know he would like a boy next. We both only want two kids and I know he wants a boy. And on the finding out issue, I would like to wait and be told when the baby is born. Since this is the last time I will be doing this (knock on wood) I would like to know what that feels like to be told on the day the baby arrives. We found out KD was a girl very early in my pregnancy. But I am also curious about what sex the next one will be and I like to get a head start on decorating the room and I like picking out the name and not calling the baby in my belly "it" or "he/she." I think in some ways it helps you bond with your baby to call them by name during the entire pregnancy. JD is pretty sure he wants to find out before the baby is born. So, we will see what we end up doing. Probably will end up finding out early.

Hate the Wait

I hate these last few days where I am waiting for my period. I could take a pregnancy test but the accuracy is diminished the further away from your period start day is and since my start day has a four day swing to it it's not worth doing that and wasting money every month. So I am trying to be patient and let "mother nature" let me know if its time to take a test or not.

Tomorrow is day 25, and when my period usually shows up... except for every 6 months or so. And I am PRAYING that it doesn't show up tomorrow. (Please God!!!) So far I have had some PMS type moodiness, but no cramps or spotting, so that is good. Sunday is day 28 so that means Monday, the latest, it should start if I am not pregnant. But if JD leaves that day I may take a pregnancy test in the morning (especially if I still have no cramps or spotting before that day). That way if I AM preggers I can let him know in person and not via Skype or e-mail or Instant Message... LOL.

There is a chance JD may get a few extra days home (something about where the plane is and crew positioning etc), and if that happens then I will wait Monday out to see if the big P comes and then take a test Tuesday morning, if it hasn't already started. Of course that would be what I would pray happens! I would rather not "waste" a test when I could wait one more day to be sure its worth taking it. (I used one of two out of the box last time, so I only have one test on hand to take.) And I would rather know that we tried during a regular length, 28 day, cycle. Especially since he will be gone the next cycle, and if this time isn't the 28 day cycle then the next one probably will be and I will be bummed that he wasn't home to try during a 28 day cycle.

I am SO repeating myself, I am so sorry if anyone is reading this blog and thinking "Quit your whining!" I feel like telling myself that, "Just shut-up already!" But typing my thoughts out helps a lot, even if its a bit repetitive. I only have one more night to go and all day tomorrow to wait to know for sure I at least I am not on a short 24 day cycle (my norm). I am crossing my fingers and praying every moment that I will make it through Sunday without a period. Then I just have to wait out Monday, or even give myself permission to cave in Monday morning and just take that darn test already! Good grief, at least then I can turn off this repetitive thought process about cycle lengths, and trying during a 28 day cycle... yadda yadda. I can't wait until Monday is over and all this wondering comes to an end. And on the other hand hoping that I do have to wait until Monday for my period to come, I am going to be really sad if it starts before then.

Post-Trying-for-Baby-Blues

I was so excited when we had our next chance to try to get pregnant. Now that the window of opportunity has passed and its waiting time I have the blues. Such a let down once you know all your efforts don't count after the ovulation window has closed. Now all I want to do is sleep and hope that the next time I wake up two weeks have passed so I will know if I am pregnant or not. I hate waiting.

I think part of the blues is knowing that there is nothing else we can do at this point to get pregnant and not wanting to get my hopes up and be too excited that maybe THIS time was the time that worked. If I get too excited about it and my period comes then I will not just feel the blues I will be depressed, and I don't want that to happen.

Right now my weight is oscillating between 148 and 150 lbs, and I am trying to just work out at a low level to not over stress my body and to maintain my weight, not focus on losing any more weight. I keep telling myself, "If you aren't pregnant you will have another month to work on the next few pounds while the hubs is away, and if you are pregnant then your weight is just fine where it is." My tummy is pretty flat, at least in the morning when I first wake up. By the end of the day, of course, its a bit more bloated looking due to eating and being hydrated. But that doesn't bother me. I know that I am skinnier than I have been in a long time and that I am more fit than the last time I weighed 149 lbs. I have more muscle, I have more stamina, and I am sure my metabolism is functioning much better due to the regular exercise.

I guess the exercise and focusing on losing weight is more of a way to get my mind off trying to conceive, and right now I don't have that crutch. Its a bit aggravating and makes me want to crawl in bed, and then just stay in bed. I also want to eat, but I know that won't make me feel better. If I am not pregnant and I gained 5 lbs while waiting to find out I will be very upset with myself. Ice cream is not the answer for me right now. I try to talk to JD about my blues and how I feel, but there isn't that much to say and not much we can do about it. I suppose my focus on just maintaining my weight at 148-149 lbs will have suffice for now. It does take work to keep the pounds off, just as it takes work to get rid of it. But I really don't want to do much working out at all these past few days. I am lucky if I get in a 45 min walk (doing Leslie Sansone's 3 mile "Walk Away" dvd in my living room). I would do the more challenging DVD workouts but I am 1. not in the mood and 2. don't want to hurt my chances of getting pregnant. If I work out too hard I am not sure if that is going to hurt the chance of that little egg of latching onto my uterine wall... even if the books and my internet research says it won't hurt my chances. I just don't want to hurt any chances of this working this time and wonder, "hmmm If only I didn't do those crunches or so many jumping jacks..." or whatever. I want to have no regrets and feel like I did everything in my power to get pregnant this time.

What I am dreading is if this cycle turns out to be a 24 day cycle and not the 28 day cycle I was hoping for. If it is only 24 days I am going to be really bummed because JD won't be here for the chance to try during a 28 day cycle (which I figured would either be this month or the next one). If It is a 28 day cycle and I am not pregnant at least I know its not the length of the cycles that is causing us to not be able to get pregnant again. And then I can take all my data to my Doctor and let him know what has been going on, see if he can pin point any reason or if we are doing everything right.

So, here I am... waiting waiting waiting. Ughhhh I hate waiting! I am going to go take a nap now.

Excited Insomnia

I have been sleeping better lately, I have been taking melatonin at 11pm and then shutting down the computer and TV at 11:30pm and drifting off to sleep by 12am. I then wake up naturally (no alarm clock) at 7am. If I stick to that routine I usually do fine. But lately I've been too excited to fall asleep! So I am calling this "excited insomnia," since its not the usual unable to sleep for no reason type of insomnia that I usually get.

What am I excited about? Two things... The first is that I am 149.5 lbs and if I lose 1.5 pounds this week I will be 148 lbs. The scale has hit 148 lbs already, but I am talking about my Monday weigh ins. That is one of my highest weight days during the week. Thursday and Friday tend to show the lowest numbers, and I get pretty excited over those. But every Monday the scale has been around 150 lbs or higher. This past Monday it was under 150, so that made me pretty hopeful that I am finally under that mark for good. And what excites me most is that if I do actually weigh in at 148 lbs next week then its conceivably only 3 more weeks until I am at my goal weight of 145 lbs!

While that is pretty exciting enough I am also excited that today (now that its 12:26am) I may have my LH surge, which means that in the next 24 to 48 hours I will be ovulating. I am really excited about this try in particular because of the way my cycles are and I am due for a regular length cycle this month. I am thinking that may help my chances of getting pregnant.

With those two things on my mind its hard to focus on the weight loss goal. I want to work out hard enough to lose at least a pound per week, but once I am ovulating I don't want to work too hard and harm any chances of little swimmers reaching their destination or a fertilized egg's chances of hanging onto the uterine wall. And while I know that exercising isn't suppose to effect either of those things happening, I still want to tread lightly the next two weeks to not hurt my chances of getting pregnant either. If I am pregnant and weigh 148 I should be happy, since my initial pre-pregnancy weight goal was 154 lbs. If I am not pregnant I am sure I can reach 145 pounds by the beginning of the new year. So I shouldn't feel guilty about taking things easy on the bouncing around during exercise the next two weeks and giving myself the best shot possible this time around. I don't have that many opportunities with JD being gone half the year. And these long cycle months come around for me every 6 months, so this is even a rarer event, that he is home and I have a long cycle (regular length cycle, actually). So, logically I should focus on the getting pregnant goal in my life and put the weight loss goal on the back burner. But I am SOOOOO close to being my ideal weight that its hard to stop working hard to blast those last 4.5 pounds off! I get so pumped just thinking about finally weighing 145 lbs.

I guess after writing I know what I need to do though. I wanted my second child to be BORN by now, not just to be pregnant. I can afford to take the time out of my workout schedules and plans for a couple weeks to make this chance the best it can possibly be. I can always lose weight, with or without JD home... I can't say the same for getting pregnant.

Weight loss

I actually saw the scale go below 150 lbs last week. Wednesday I saw 149. Thursday and Friday I saw 148! Today the scale said 150.5 lbs, but last Monday it was 152... so even though Mondays seems to be the highest weight of the week I can see a 1.5 lb weight loss has happened since last week. That makes me happy. I want to get to 145 lbs in the next couple weeks. Then I will have another chance to try to get pregnant, since the hubs got home this past Thursday.

If I end up pregnant I will at least be at a weight that has eluded me for years now. I started out at 183 lbs when my daughter was born (October 2007), and by November 2008 I was 172 lbs and ready to get things moving after maintaing that weight for 6 months. I never thought I would see the number 145 on my scale again (what I weighed when I got married over 7 years ago). I was going to be happy with 154, but the next 4 lbs came off pretty easily, and that motivated me to go for 5 more. I am doing two workouts a day to help blast that last 5 off. And so far so good. The even better news is that my husband made a bet with a co-worker that he could lose more weight by the end of January and they are now competing. Guys are funny, they compete... women get "diet buddies" or "workout buddies" and encourage. Oh well, what ever works and motivates you. Today was my husband's first day of working out again and I took his measurements and did his weigh in. He has 56 lbs to lose, but men lose weight faster than women, so he should do pretty well if he just starts to move.

If I don't get pregnant I may shoot for 140 lbs next, being 5'-6.5" tall that isn't too much. I have been 135 before and was pretty smokin' hot and had the flattest stomach! That was in college. In High School I weighed 125, but had no bodily fat on me, was on the swim team, water polo team, and that wasn't my best look. I had a flat chest and my hip bones stuck way out, boys made fun of me. But I was naturally thin until I hit college, all of a sudden the boys were hitting on me and asking me out and I was all confused about it. Then one day a guy, who was amazingly cute and all the girls were swooning over, was giving me attention and I was like "What is the deal?" and he said, "You are a woman now" and he motioned in the air an hourglass figure. Hahaha... I was so flattered, and shocked. But he was right, I got my boobs (a day I had looked forward to all my adolescent life) and I had gained some womanly fat over my bony hips and got a little junk in my trunk... LOL Men like that, not the bony look. Well... most men like that. So I was able to embrace my curvy-ness and now I don't really want to be below 140 unless my tummy is still flabby at that weight and then I will keep doing my abs and cardio until I see that happen. At least its a goal to work to attain while I wait to get pregnant again.

If this isn't my month to get pregnant our next chance, when JD is home again and I am ovulating, will not be until early February. So, I will have a chance to work on that final 140 lb goal. But I would be more than happy to be 145 or 148 pounds and pregnant! Don't get me wrong. I know being fit and having strong abs will only help me during my pregnancy, so that is why I keep working on that goal, even though I may end up with a baby in my belly soon. I am excited I will finally be able to be fit AND pregnant. When I got pregnant with KD I wasn't fit, I was 160 lbs and was working full-time and going to school full-time, so I had no time to spend on working out. I love being able to excercise again! Its something that I intend to keep up during my pregnancy so I won't have to work this hard again to lose the weight after the second baby and then I plan to maintain my figure the rest of my life. Hopefully JD will get back to his previous sexier weight. I mean, I still think he is cute, but I miss the "hot" man I met 11 years ago. And it would help him as a father to be able to keep up with his kids as they get older and more active too.

Surprise!!!

My husband was due to be home Friday evening, he sent me his flight itinerary and everything. I had to go to Bible Study at church tonight and my husband told me I may not be able to get ahold of him by phone, he said his phone was dropping signal or something like that, and he would call me after I got home from Bible Study Thursday night. I was like... sure, okay, not a big deal.

I went to Bible Study, brought KD and put her in the room with the other kids and the babysitter, everyone asked about JD and when he was coming home, then... just as we got started into our study, all of a sudden there is my husband, in his pilot's uniform, standing in the open doorway! My heart lept out of my chest and I couldn't believe my eyes! I got up and went over to him to give him a hug and a kiss. My face, I am sure, was bright pink and I felt like I was having a hot flash! One of the ladies in the room was like, awwwwe... and had teary eyes. And JD said he got picked up by his Dad and was dropped off at the church and that he had tricked me. I looked at him all shocked and gave him a mock punch in the arm and said, "You jerk!" But I was smiling, and I told everyone that I actually love surprises (I mean LOOOOOOVE surprises). But it is JD's birthday tomorrow, I should be the one surprising him! haha

Needless to say, it was a bit difficult to get back on track and into the study. But I was able to in the end. And then after the study was over we went to the room to pick up KD and I was running in front of JD to get there first so I could see her reaction to him. When she saw me she smiled and stood up from her playing, then she saw her Daddy walk in and she stood there, as if in shock. Her face was priceless. Then she sat down and started playing with another toy... LOL Kids, who knows what that was about. She acted very nonchalant about the whole thing. But I am sure she felt mainly shock and disbelief.

When we got home KD had a few snacks before bed and got to sit on her Daddy's lap and talk to him and show him just how more verbal she has gotten since he left, almost seven weeks ago. Luckily it was time for her to go to bed soon, he was tired and we both were... ahem, "missing" each other. (Blush) By the time JD fell asleep it was two hours before my bedtime, so I was watching TV in bed while he slept... and then the snoring started. Nice. Ah, the joys of having your husband home again. Lucky for me I had bought a new batch of ear plugs today when at Wal-Mart, so I am prepared. And right now I am watching my recorded shows and blogging in the living room. Everything is back to normal :-)

The excercise continues

I weighed in on Monday and lost maybe... at most... 1/2 a lb. Sunday showed no change on the scale but Monday morning it showed a 1/2 lb difference compared to the previous week. So, we will see what happens next week. But the exciting thing is when I measured my belly area (where I want to lose the extra flab) I lost 1 1/2" from that area! So that is fabulous!! I really am trying to keep my focus on the inches, even though I would love to finally break the 150 lb barrier, which is what I supposedly weigh at the moment... or maybe 150.5 lbs.

So the excercise continues! I did weights with some cardio involved 5 days a week and cardio with some weights involved 5 days a week (for my 2 workouts a day). Since my muscles were constantly sore every day last week and Monday were practically crying at me for all the abuse (and therefore I didn't do the weights that day, just the cardio) I have decided to just keep up the weights 3 workouts per week and the 7 other workouts focus on cardio. This should be a successful plan. I don't want to lose the muscle tone I already have, but I want to blast off the last layer of fat on my tummy. And we all know (or should) that the only way to get rid of that is not doing a bunch of crunches and lifting weights, but by doing your cardio and eating a low fat/ low calorie/ healthy diet. BUT I also know that the muscle is important in maintaining my metabolism, muscle burns more fat! So its a balancing act.

My husband should be home soon, this Friday. So that makes me happy. I can't wait to see him again! By the time he is home it will almost be 7 full weeks since he left. I am use to 35 days of him being gone. So its been rough for me. And KD has been hurting herself in random ways lately too. The other day she walked right into the corner of a bar ledge at her grandparent's house, and then while she was throwing tantrums throughout the house the other day (after being told "no" a couple times) she got some sort of rug burn on her forehead (hahah... have to laugh, its just ridiculous), and then today to top it off she fell off a chair as she lurched forward to get off and smacked her face on the cement and cut her lip open on her teeth... so she has a black eye from the ledge, a red mark from her tantrums, and a fat lip from the fall today. Such a pretty picture. And I did take a picture to show her Daddy just how crazy big that fat lip was today! She handles all the bumps like a pro. She shakes it off pretty easily. But she does also milk it for sympathy and wants to be cuddled and pampered. But that is okay with me, she isn't that cuddly that often since she became a busy toddler. :-) I just want her to stop injuring herself... at least until her Daddy comes home, then he can deal with it. Hahah

Happy things

I like it when so many things go well in life. So much of the time we hear the bad news and never enough good news! So here is all my good news :)

My husband is finally coming home! Yay!! He arrives home on his birthday, November 13th! Happy birthday, I arranged that especially for you, Hun. Ok, well... maybe not. But that is a great birthday present! He got signed off to the line early, he needed 6 more training hours in the plane and his fleet manager signed him off because it seems like he had been "flying the falcon for years" ...impressive! So I guess my husband is a good pilot after all. Haha... I knew that already. He says enough things that I can tell. And I have flown with him before, he is very professional and knowledgeable. And this means he will be home for Thanksgiving this year. He leaves again December 14th for his rotation, but I will take what I can get :-)

One very good thing about JD coming home is that we have another chance to try for that baby #2 we have been wanting. I am wondering if this is our time? I have short cycles, but every 6 months or so I have a normal length one. I wonder if when its a normal 28 day cycle (which it should be during the time he is home) that I am more fertile? Perhaps the lining isn't thick enough for that egg to stick to and that's why I have my period 4 to 5 days early every month? Someone mentioned her sister had short periods and that is what the Dr. was thinking for her situation. So, I don't know for sure if that is happening with me, but this will be interesting. Of course, I don't know if my cycle will be 28 days this time... but looking at past history I am due for that regular cycle very soon.

My Aunt Pattie, who has been in the hospital since April this year, is now at a rehab facility and is off all tubes and the trachea things are gone out of her neck! Yay!! So happy she has been doing so well and turning that corner like she is in the Indie 500... haha. She may even be home to celebrate Thanksgiving with us! Double Yay!!! I don't know if that will actually happen, but it means a lot for someone to say its possible. I am sure if she comes home she will still need to go to physical therapy, but I know she wants to come home, and we all want her home too.

I also am planning on having lunch with a couple fellow bloggers who actually follow my blog! So cool! I am so stoked about that!! They are also pilot wives and its fun to meet other PWs who know where you are coming from on certain areas that others just have no clue about. And my hubby will be home to watch the munchkin, so I don't have to worry about her coming with me and getting antsy at the restaurant and not being able to pay attention to everyone and have a good chat. Yay!!

This month I also decided to pick up the pace and try to lose 5 more pounds and make my belly flab go away for good! After the months and months of crunches and other ab work my abs are hard as a rock! I can see some definition occurring on the sides of my abs and there is just this little pudgy area around my belly button (from being pregnant with KD) that is being super stubborn. I want to see all my hard work under there :-) So, I have committed myself to doing two 30 to 45 min workouts a day, five days a week. This week is my first week and I have done 3 out of 5 days so far. Plus I am watching what I eat, of course... counting those calories (so annoying, but necessary). Also, I am happy to say I weigh less today than I have in YEARS! I don't even remember the last time I was this close to being under the 150 lbs mark. I am guessing it was in 2004 or 2005. I weigh 150.5 lbs right now and am SO close to getting under that this week. I am so excited, I can't even tell you! Just... so excited!!

Life is good :-) Hope you find your "happy things" list today too!

Happy Halloween!

I have been a busy gal for Halloween. I haven't decorated my own house, just a pumpkin (one inside and one outside). And the one inside I drew the face on. The one outside is on a shelf under a window with a few scarecrows hanging out in the planter. So I look like a Halloween grouch LOL. But I have been busy painting and creating for other projects.

A friend of mine commissioned me to do some photo op items for her church's Harvest Festival. One of them you stick your face through different characters (like a scarecrow, a pumpkin, a farmer) and the other one was a row of corn stalks and they are going to place a couple bales of hay in front of it for people to sit on and have their picture taken. Those were fun, but took a lot of my free time. I had to do them during the hours my daughter took her nap and after she went to bed. I often stayed up until 2am to finish. But that is normal for me, to be up that late. But man did my bum hurt! I think I squatted too much during the painting of those. (They were both around 4' x 7'... so rather large.)

After those were completed I headed over to my own church to help decorate for our Harvest Festival, this was pro-bono. I volunteered to decorate a couple doors in themes for the "treasure or treat" hunt the kids will be doing. I chose the music and art theme doors. Since I play the piano and sing, and compose music I thought I could handle that. And since I am an artist I thought I could swing the other one too :-) They did turn out cute. I used craft paper for those. I was DONE with the painting! Those I did mostly during the day time, while KD played with the other Mom's (who were doing other doors) kids or with Grandma at home. I did stay up late last night cutting out music notes and staff lines etc, for my music door, until about 1:30am. I think painting would have been easier, but it looked better with the paper.

My hubby is still gone flying, trying to accumulate those training hours so he can come home. He has been gone from home for over 5 weeks so he is getting antsy. He has 15 hours down and 10 to go. He is a bit sad about not being able to go with me and KD to our church's Harvest Festival. It should be fun. There will be a bounce house, the prizes at the themed doors, some games, a cake walk, BBQ, a live rock-a-billy band, face painting (I might be wrangled in for that job too). Sounds like a good time to me! I don't have a cute costume for KD to wear. I have a shirt that says "Boo-tiful" on it and some black leggings that have silver sparkles in it and some pumpkin socks. So she will be dressed in Halloween themed items. She likes to dress up, but only for a few minutes and then she wants out of her tutu or whatever she put on. So, maybe next year when she is three she will be ready for a cute costume. Last year we stayed home so I put on her ladybug dress that my cousin gave her and she wore that around the house and the front yard and helped up pass out candy to the kiddos when they rang the door. This year I didn't buy any candy since we won't be home tonight. So glad about that... don't want left over sweets to be tempting me. And I hope that what KD gets tonight isn't that much. In fact I will make sure it isn't. I will be the one ending up eating it or just tossing it. I still have 6 lbs to lose and I am going to really focus this next month on exercising and doing more cardio to lose that last bit of flab on my belly. Otherwise I am looking pretty good these days.

I hope JD gets home soon, it would be nice to have him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And to have another chance or two for baby making hee hee. The more chances we have the better, right?

Have a Happy Halloween everybody! Stay safe!

Texas visit

I got to go to Texas this past Monday to today (Thursday). My hubs is there training for the new plane he has been promoted to fly. He will be flying a Falcon now, he was flying the Hawker. I got to sit in a sim while he "flew." It was really cool, this box on hydraulic legs that bounced you around and shook and all kinds of things. If you have ever been on the "Star Tours" ride at Disneyland it was kind of like that.

We were able to time my visit with the time of month that I am suppose to be ovulating, but who knows if we "hit the target" or not? We tried our best to not talk about it and just hang out, have fun, no pressure. I really don't want it to become a chore to be intimate. If we aren't in the mood... then we aren't in the mood, no biggie. But we hadn't seen each other for a couple weeks, so getting into the mood wasn't that difficult... hee hee. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high and then get the blues again.

Today I heard that another friend of mine had a miscarriage... so sad. She was past the first trimester and just started into the 2nd trimester. So, that couple must feel devastated right now. She has two kids already, but I don't think that makes it any easier when you lose a baby beyond the first few weeks of pregnancy. At this point she may have even seen her baby bouncing around on the ultrasound, and I am sure she at least has heard the heart beat. It just makes you realize how delicate the whole process is of having a baby. Its more amazing when nothing goes wrong and Mom does fine and baby turns out perfectly healthy.

Like with my first pregnancy... Our first try and we get preggers right away, and I didn't have any complications at all during my pregnancy, and when KD was born she didn't have any problems. When she had her first check-up the Pediatrician was like, "Its really amazing when a child is born completely healthy... absolutely no problems." We did feel very blessed. Today's news just further spurred me to be thankful to God for giving us such a wonderful daughter. She is smart as a whip and ahead of the curve for most of her developmental mile stones. Can't help but feel blessed.

I also realized today that even if I get preggers it doesn't mean that we are "out of the woods" just yet. Its pretty common to have a miscarriage, 1 in 4 pregnant women end up having one. So, I do want to get pregnant, and I want to be excited about it if it happens, but I will have to realize that our dreams of a second baby may fall flat even just after finding out I am pregnant. I will have to continue to brace myself for the worse, while hoping for the best. You just never know what can happen. I know my husband and I have even had the conversation... if he had to decide between me living or the baby living who would he choose? Its a horrible thought, and one I hope he will never be put in the position to make, but its good to talk about these things. He decided he would rather have me, we can always make another baby... but he doesn't want to lose his wife. I would probably want my baby to live over me, but I think that is the Motherly instinct, and I agreed with my husband's wishes and said if we are ever in that position I support his decision to save me, his wife, over our baby. I am sure I would be devastated though, if it was a scenario where I was 9 months along and ready to bring a baby home and then lost the little one instead. Very sad. Okay... enough depressing talk.

My Aunt, doing better

I got to visit my Aunt today, thanks to a friend from my church who volunteered to watch KD. She is talking using a voice box "button" that is in the place where her trachea tube use to be. So her voice didn't sound like her, but it was wonderful to be able to talk to her again. When she was awake, when I visited before, she had to mouth everything and it was difficult to understand what she was trying to say. While I was there the Physical Therapist came in and had her sit up and get into a wheelchair. It was good to see her starting to gain some strength, although just that task alone was difficult and she needed his assistance quite a bit. He mentioned that her neck brace could probably come off at this point, but they have to do some x-rays first and the Doctor has to sign off on it, of course. But its good, I think, if the PT already thinks she could handle supporting her neck without the brace.

She asked if my Mom was at home when she passed away, I said, "Yes. It was a quick and painless death. They think it was a heart attack." But I didn't tell her any more details about Mom's passing. I figured she didn't need to know all those things, just needed to know she died painlessly and to continue to be happy for her, that she is in Heaven. My Aunt seemed to be okay with the news, happy that her sister is now in a better place and no longer suffering from mental illness and the other physical ailments that she was acquiring towards the end of her life. I feel the same way. Even if I do miss my Mom at least I don't have to worry about her anymore, which I often did. I was always concerned about her being lonely or if she was taking her meds properly, if she was eating well enough etc. So, its nice to not have to be worried about those things anymore. I am blessed that I had a Mother for as long as I did.

I brought a collage board I made to set up at my Mom's memorial service, she liked looking at that. I left it there for my Aunt, so she can see my Mom whenever she thinks about her. I have all those pictures on my computer, so I don't need the board. I also set up my laptop so my Aunt could see KD, since I can't bring my little girl in due to the amount of germs in that environment. My Aunt enjoyed that as well. I would have brought pictures, but it would take days to print as many as I have of KD! So this way she could see more pics and even saw a couple little videos I made of KD singing in the tub, and sitting at the piano playing and singing. It was a good visit.

My Aunt said she feels the prayers of everyone, after I told her many people have been keeping her in their prayers. I am glad she feels encouraged and loved by everyone, even though she is alone most of the day in the hospital. I can't explain how happy I am to have seen her in the condition she is in! There are no words to explain it all. Although she is not fully recovered she has come so far since I last saw her, and that is very encouraging. And it is wonderful hearing her say, "I love you" and be able to give her kisses. I would have given her a big bear hug, but didn't want to pull any tubes loose, or wrench her neck. It was just nice to see her awake and talking and sitting up again. I am very pleased to see her doing better!

Anxiety lifted

I found out today that my Uncle already told my Aunt about my Mom's passing. So now I don't have to be stressed about breaking the news to her tomorrow when I see her. It would have been nice if he told me when he broke the news so I wouldn't be worried about it. Oh well, at least now I can go enjoy a nice visit with my Aunt.

He didn't tell her the truth, he said my Mom passed away in her sleep (she had a heart attack and the story is a bit more complicated than just saying she died in her sleep). But I am not going to bother my Aunt with the details right now, she doesn't need to get worried about any of this. My Uncle said she took the news okay. I am kind of surprised about that, but then again my Mom's life wasn't all peachy keen and my Aunt knows as well as I do that Mom was a Christian and we both believe that she is in Heaven and a whole person again. So it really is more of a time to rejoice than a time to mourn. But I am sure some sort of grief about it will hit at some point. Its hard not to miss a loved one, even if you are happy they are in Heaven.

I am very excited to see my Auntie Pat now... can't wait for tomorrow!

Anxiety about breaking bad news

I have been really emotional lately, partly because we are trying to get pregnant. I think the other part of the equation is that I may be telling my Aunt the bad news about my Mom, her sister, soon. She doesn't know yet that my Mom passed away in July. And here we are in October already.

I haven't seen my Aunt since she got her halo-brace removed, a few weeks ago, and since she has been able to talk again. She recently got her trachea tube removed and now can talk and not just mouth words, that I can't read half the time. The last three times I saw her she was asleep and if she opened her eyes it wasn't for long, and I don't think she realized I was there. So I am excited to see her now that she is more awake and aware of what happened and where she is. She is also walking using a walker and with assistance from nurses! I can't wait to see her! I am so happy she has turned the corner and isn't at the doorstep of death anymore. She had so many close calls that sometimes I really thought she was going to die.

But when I go see her she may ask me about my Mom. She already asked about her when talking to her husband, and he said she wanted to visit but wasn't able to get a ride. I don't want to lie to her, but I understand why he doesn't want her to know the bad news yet, he is afraid she isn't strong enough for the news yet. I can tell her, if she even asks, that my Mom isn't able to come visit. And if she asks why then I may try, "Don't worry about her, she wants you to get better and loves you." And if that doesn't do the job to deflect the questions I may end up telling her that her sister has passed away and that is why she hasn't seen her. I know eventually this is going to happen, and I don't want to lie to her because I don't want her to be angry at us for keeping this from her. Its hard to know what to do in this situation. I guess if she presses and demands to know why my Mom can't come see her she may be strong enough to get the truth.

The other part of my anxiety lately is not only about potentially telling my Aunt but knowing how hard she is going to take it and how hard its going to be to see her cry. I think its going to make me relive the experience a bit again, and that will be hard for me as well. But I really want to be there whenever she gets the news because I want to be able to hug her and hold her hand and cry with her and talk about it. Since my Mom, my Aunt, and I were all so close to each other I feel that it will be important for her to have me as a support to get through the grief. We took many vacations together and they were both there when my daughter was born. When my parents divorced I chose to live with my Mom (while my brothers chose to live with my Dad) and my Aunt often came over to read the Bible to my Mom and pray for her, and she was there for me when my Mom (who was Manic Depressive) ended up in the mental hospital a couple times. I would stay at my Aunt's house and she would make sure I got to school and would take care of me until my Mom was out of the hospital again. I guess she is like a second Mom to me, and also kind of like a sister to me as well. She is just the best Auntie a girl could ever wish for and I love her to pieces, I would literally die for her and trade places with her in a second to give her relief from this whole painful process. I love her that much. She means to world to me! And with my Mom gone I am really glad that she is recovering and that I won't be losing her too.

I am planning, at this time, to drive out to see her Friday. It will take about 45 minutes to get there with no traffic, which I hope to avoid by leaving at 10am. And I have a friend that is able to watch KD so I don't have to take her to the hospital and expose her to possible diseases. She hasn't gotten her flu shot yet and I don't want KD to be getting sick. And I have left messages for my Uncle, my Cousin, and my Mother-in-law about going with me. If I can have someone there to help me with all this that would be great. But I feel that I really need to see my Aunt no matter what, even if I have to see her alone. Its been too long and I haven't seen her since she has made progress.

Beating the Blues

I am attempting to get back into gear and not let the fact that I am not pregnant get me down. I only did my exercise two days last week, and only for a half our. The day I got my period was the last day I worked out. The rest of the week I ate too much sweets and was drinking a wine cooler every night before bed, and I don't drink on a daily basis. I drink only on social occasions, and even then not every time. So for me to be drinking at all says a lot. (I had the alcohol from a Bunco party that I hosted at my house Friday night, and the ladies left it for me. I should have sent it out the door with whoever brought it.)

I gained 1.5 lbs from all the slacking last week. So I definitely can't keep that up and need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my butt in gear again. My next weight goal (I am below my first goal) was only 6 pounds away, but now its almost 8 pounds away... I am headed in the wrong direction. But I know it was just because I was feeling down. I need to reset my focus and strive towards this new weight loss goal and not think about getting pregnant.

Today, even though I was tempted to just get my P.J.'s on and hop into bed tonight, I finally did my workout like a good girl. I even didn't eat that bad and when tempted to reach for one of the last two wine coolers I decided that a tall glass of water would be a better option and allowed myself a Diet Coke with a scoop of trail mix as a "good job" treat, for getting back into the routine.

Next week I am going to go visit my husband in Texas, where he is training. He is leaving next week Friday for work again and I won't be seeing him until November sometime. I am not sure when in November either, since he has to get 25 hours in the new plane he is training for first. What I am going to TRY to do is put baby-making out of my brain, and encourage him to not think about it either, and just have fun, relax, and enjoy the time I have before he leaves. (Even though, yes, it happens to be the week that I should be ovulating.)

After thinking it all through, in my last post, I have decided there is nothing to be blue about, we have plenty of time still to get pregnant and I don't need to put any pressure on myself or my husband to get this accomplished in the next few months. Having kids 3 to 5 years apart isn't the worse thing that could happen.

Today I also received news that the girlfriend who got pregnant after just one try had a miscarriage. (I think I mentioned her before.) Her first daughter is the same age as my first daughter, they are 3 days apart. I was a bit sad to hear she got pregnant right away (excited for her, but sad for me) and was hoping to be close behind her and have our next kids around the same time. It goes to show you, even if I do get pregnant there are no guarantees that everything will go perfectly well. I can't put so much pressure on myself that if I do get pregnant and then miscarry that I end up being miserable and horribly depressed about it. If I am already feeling blue every time my period comes around how much worse would I take it if I ended up miscarrying? Time to get it together and get back on track with my life.

Chances came and went

So far 5 chances have come and gone for me to get pregnant. there are 7 more opportunities to get pregnant and have a baby by the time KD turns 3. Out of those 7 I have no idea when the hubs will be home to take advantage of them. And I was wondering, how long am I willing to try for a second baby?

I wanted my kids to be two years apart, and I was hoping three years apart would be the max separation between them. Also, I will be turning 35 next year, and they say if you get pregnant at that age its considered a high risk pregnancy. I was hoping to avoid that time. I know there are more tests, more invasive procedures and I really didn't want to have to go through those with the second pregnancy. And at this point I also am wondering if I will get pregnant again at all. I know I haven't tried as long as other people, that it takes most women 6 to 12 months to get pregnant. With my first it took us two tries. So I am probably prematurely freaking out. But the question of how long am I willing to try still remains.

Am I willing to be 36 and pregnant? Yes. How about 37 and pregnant? Sure. How about 38? Ummm now we are pushing it. Or how about 39 or 40 years old and pregnant? Definitely not! So that means I am willing to keep the possibility open (not get on the pill or talk my husband into a vasectomy) until I am around 36 1/2 to 37 years old. So I have another 2 1/2 years to get pregnant before shutting the baby factory down. And that means there would be a maximum possible age gap of 5 years between my kids. I guess that's not that bad. I know many people that have said that happened to them. The first came easily and the second they tried for five years before being successful.

I look at the future and calculate out things like: When will kid#2 be in Kindergarten? If my kids are 5 years apart then I would be 42 years old with a kid in Kindergarten and the other one in 3rd grade. Another calculation that is scary to look at is, how old will I be when KD is 13? I will be 45! And kid #2 will only be 8 years old (with the 5 year gap scenario). Another fun one is that when I am 50 then kid#2 will be 15! Wow... that one is scary. HAHA

One major reason for capping off the time I am willing to get pregnant is that I want to get back into Interior Design before I am too old to get a career off the ground and actually enjoy it! It also would be nice to be ready to open my own in home business and be there for my kids when they are teenagers. So I look at when the second kid will be in Kindergarten because that is when I can start working, at least part time, again. Being 40 years old and starting back into the design field would be preferable to being 42, but I guess having a second kid is important enough to me to be willing to wait two more years to start working again. And then I am looking at how long it may take me to pick things up again and be able to have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet and run my own personal Interior Design firm... So that I will be able to be home when they are in the crucial teenage years and really need their parents to watch out for them again and be there for them. All things that I am hoping to accomplish, yet am afraid it won't happen if I wait too long and get pregnant too late in life.

Its not that a career is the most important thing in life. But I barely got a chance to get that part of my life going. I did design work while I went to school to get my BA degree, and only had a year of experience as a Kitchen Designer under my belt once I was done with school and got pregnant with my first. But I was not willing to wait any longer to start a family, so I was happy to stop working to do that. I like being a stay-at-home-Mom. Being a SAHM is a privilege and and honor. But it is wearisome to be home all day, week in and week out. And to be a SAHM for the rest of my life isn't something that I was planning. What I am thinking is, if I have kid#2 too late then that is what will happen. I will have one kid, send her off to college and then waiting another decade for the other kid in the house to go off to college and by the time that all happens my husband will be ready to retire and my schooling will be so long ago that no one cares anymore, and my experience will be so dated that it won't cause any employer to be impressed, and I won't have enough contacts and experience to just swing open the doors of my own business and start getting clients. Is that my future? I am really hoping its not.

I guess with my "have second kid by age 38" plan then I will be 53 when the second one is off to college, will have at least 10 years of work experience back in the Interior Design field at that point. And who knows, perhaps within those 10 years I will have gained enough experience and been able to open my in home design studio, so I could be at home more during the kids' teen years. OR... I could at least work part time during those 10 years and be home by the time they are out of school. And once they are off to college then I could turn one of their bedrooms into my office and start my own business, with plenty of confidence and experience under my belt for people to feel they can trust me and hire me to do design work for them. Then I would have at least another 10+ years of a career as an Independent Interior Designer and be able to happily retire whenever I felt like it and enjoy the rest of my days as a Grandma (if the Lord blesses me and my husband with grandchildren). That sounds pretty good, actually. I hope it all turns out like that. That would be a dream come true for me. And who knows, perhaps one or both of my kids would like to go into business with me, once they are out of college, and it will be a family business? That would just take the cake!

Okay, so now I have talked myself out of stressing about just 5 chances and only 7 more before KD is 3 etc. I can chill out and wait for things to happen for a few years and then move on with my life with the one lovely and wonderful blessing of a child I already have. I just had to think it all out and show myself that I have plenty of time before I am too old to have it all. And wouldn't I just be the luckiest woman in the world if my dreams all did come true like that? And wouldn't I be just as lucky if they didn't happen like I just dreamed, and KD grew up to be a lovely young woman and I went back to work without having a second child? Either way you slice it I will count myself blessed. I have a wonderful, loving, hard working husband and a beautiful daughter, and a BA degree in Interior Design to take advantage of in the future. The world is my oyster, as the saying goes.

I just want to take a moment to thank the Lord for all His blessings, and I will trust Him to give me a second child or to withhold that blessing from my life. And I will wait on the Lord to give me even more than my heart can imagine in ways I could never dream. He knows what I need, and what is good for me to have. So I will trust in Him, to do as He has planned for me.

Here we go again

The hubs got sent home early because they are upgrading him to a larger plane and his training starts a couple days before the end of his regular rotation. It was nice of them to send him home for a break because once he goes to training he will be there for 25 days and then they send him back to work to get 25 hours of flight hours with a training captain. So, he would've been gone for a long time if he wasn't sent home first. Its going to be long enough as it is!

Just so happens that the two weeks home happens to land us in that window of opportunity to get me pregnant. I am suppose to be ovulating and he has been home for a few days already. So, here we go again... I am all happy and sad and all over the map. I don't want to get up my hopes too high only to be disappointed again when my period comes, but I want to stay positive and not get depressed or stressed out over it. Like I said before, knowing when you ovulate is more of a curse than a blessing. There is so much pressure to try to make a baby when that time arrives. At least we have been able to keep the romance in the equation, I'm glad its not turning into some sort of business transaction... hahahah

I just hate that wait for the period to start. Its just torture!!!!

Bummer

I'm not pregnant. This last try before my husband left for his 35 day rotation didn't take. I guess we will see if it ever happens. I hope I get pregnant before the end of this year, but I don't know if I want to keep trying for a long time. I really was hoping to avoid being 35 years old when got preggers again, that is the "high risk" age... it starts there. And the later I get pregnant the older KD is, obviously. I don't really want to send a kid off to school and then end up pregnant and have to stay home until that one starts school. I wanted to go back to work eventually and use my Interior Design BA degree and get more experience so I could run my own business out of my home. I think staying home is really important for the first 4 or 5 years of a kids life, if one is able to financially do that. I am happy I am able to do that for KD, and the next one I would want to put the same time and effort into raising. So... I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up, and yet want to keep trying, but don't want to stress out over the idea of trying for another kid.

The one kid we ended up with is pretty great. She is so great that sometimes we joke that our next kid will be "special" lol... It's kind of off color humor, but we joke about it. We just mean to say that KD is so smart, so cute, so great that we just don't know how we will ever top that! It makes me want to not try sometimes because we may not end up with such a happy, easy going kid that likes to nap and sleeps 12 hours a night, and all that stuff. Sure, she isn't perfect... and she has her moments. But doesn't every kid? I think she is as good as it gets. It would be nice though (I think) for her to have a sibling. I think that is the main reason I am even trying to get pregnant again. The second reason is that I have a girl and my hubby would like to have boy. Of course, having another one doesn't guarantee that we would have a boy, so he would have to take what he got. And I know for sure I am not going to try for a third. That's it for me. Kudos to those moms out there who have 4 kids, 5 kids... or more. But I just don't see that working for me. I think I would be soooo stressed out. Maybe not, but that is what I think.

Well, not much more to say about the subject. I will post something later when I have something.

Almost there...!

I weighed myself today and was only 1 pound away from my weight loss goal! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!! I wanted my weight to be at a number that was considered a "normal" BMI for my height and age before I got preggers and I am almost there. I started dieting and exercising in October 2008 and then kind of tapered off a bit and then picked up the pace in April 2009. Since April I have lost 16.5 pounds! I am so proud of myself for sticking with all the calorie counting and the hour long workouts 6 days, sometimes even 7 days, a week.

I am happy to report that I didn't deprive myself of any food during this time. The very word "diet" causes me to go on a carb and sugar binge. Just thinking about not being able to eat a bite of a brownie makes me eat a whole pan... you get the idea. So, I decided at the outset that I would allow myself whatever whenever and then made a promise to myself to exercise off the extra calories instead of depriving my mouth and body of their deliciousness. That attitude actually had me considering the benefits v cost of every "naughty" treat. I ended up wanting them less as I exercised more and the healthier I felt. Also, seeing the numbers go down on the scale was often motivation enough not to eat unhealthy. Because the better I ate the quicker the pounds came off.

I counted calories, I even counted every deliciously naughty treat. My husband would warn me, "You don't want to know how many calories you just ate" and I would say, "knowledge is better than being ignorant." So I guess I don't believe in the old adage "ignorance is bliss." My thinking was, even if today I went waaaaaaayyyy over my calorie allowance tomorrow I can work out a little bit more, or add 10 minutes to every work out for the rest of the week and know that those cals won't count by the time I do my weigh in. And that thinking actually worked! So, yes, I did have to eat better the rest of the week and not tip the calorie scale again, and yes I did have to exercise more. But in the end I was happy because I could go to a BBQ and eat whatever I wanted and I could roast a few marshmallows and eat a few s'mores at a summer campfire and not bat an eye. I ALWAYS counted how many I ate and recorded it in my food journal later, but never regretted the decision.

As far as the exercise part I found several DVDs that I liked and rotated through them as I got bored with one. And I also added walking, and yoga, and the occasional gym circuit to the mix when I could. I get bored really easy with doing the same thing over and over, so I had to change it every couple weeks. But I also think that was part of my success. I have heard about that process called "muscle confusion" and figured that was pretty much what I was doing. I was engaging my brain and my muscles in a different way every couple weeks, so just as I got use to a certain order of exercises and routine I switched it up on myself. I also am a stay at home mom and have a 22 month old, so I didn't have time to run out to the gym every day. So I did what worked for me. It was soooooo easy just to turn on the DVD as soon as she went down for a nap or went to bed for the night and exercise for 30 to 60 minutes. I literally would lay her down for her nap or for bed at night, turn on the DVD player, walk over to my room, put on my exercise clothes and tennis shoes and then go to the living room and work out with my DVDs. If I was tired a particular day I skipped it, or if it was too hot in the middle of the day I waited until the night. I would give myself permission to take a nap, take a break, or eat an extra snack if I really wanted to. The freedom to do as I please but also the ability to see the goal ahead was the magical combination for me.

One other thing I think made it work for me was tracking my progress and writing it all down as I went. It was encouraging to look back over the past week and see that I worked out 6 times that week for 60 minutes, and I ate the allotted calories I had planned for the week, and see the number on the scale going down. For me that was TRUE motivation. It also helped during those weeks when I didn't see a change on the scale to realize I was at least getting healthier. All that exercise wasn't going to waste, even if I didn't lose any weight. Because the point of exercise and diet is to be healthy and to maintain those healthy habits for the rest of your life, not just to reach a weight goal and then to stop and wait until the next time you gain 10 or 20 pounds. I plan to keep working out for 30 minutes (minimum) a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. This is no short time plan here, this is a life changing plan. And I am glad I have this new habit formed and will be so happy to be able to keep it up, even when I get pregnant again.

So, for all of you who are like me, and hate to "diet," I want to encourage you to find an exercise program that you like, count those calories, don't deprive yourself, and give yourself permission to take a break from the routine every once in a while. Just make sure you get back on that horse if you fall off it and keep it up! I also would recommend a heart rate monitor. It takes all the guess work out of how many calories you are shedding during your work out and you know if you are working hard or hardly working hee hee. And use a free online calorie counting website, they help you look up foods easily and keep track of it all with out buying books to look foods up or using a lot of paper (but I still liked keeping a physical journal because I like to look at it all written out in my own hand writing.) I would also suggest only weighing in one day a week, at the same time of the day every week. It doesn't matter which day of the week, whatever works for you, but to accurately compare numbers and track your progress you can't compare day to day numbers or a Monday one week to a Wednesday another week and expect to see consistency in weight loss numbers. If you feel the urge to step on it on every day just shrug it off it it looks worse, or if its better take that as encouragement that you are headed in the right direction.

Of coure I have one more pound to go, but I'm not worried. I know I will do it, and I don't even care if it takes another month. This exercising, calorie countin' Momma ain't stoppin' for anything! Even if I find out I am preggers soon I will continue exercising (althought the weight LOSS part will stop, and the calorie allowance will go up... but I am looking forward to that part).

Potty Training already?!

Okay, so my daughter is 22 months old. One day my hubby put her down for her nap in a poopy diaper. He knew it was poopy and then forgot to take care of it before putting her down. Anyways, it turned out to be a good thing because since then she has told us when she is about to poop or has pooped. Before this time she was always content to walk around in a soiled diaper, which I could never figure out why. Anyways, so she became interested in the toilet as well. I bought her a toilet seat to put on the big toilet and put a stool in front and she actually peed on the toilet after one accident of playing with it and peeing next to it and I immediately put her on the toilet and told her to pee there. That was a couple weeks ago. Since then she hasn't shown much interest in actually peeing or pooping on the toilet. So then I thought I would get her the little potty that sits on the ground for easy access, I thought "perhaps that would be more appealing?" and I was right!

Last night she played with her new potty and today she came up to me and said "potty" and pointed towards the bathroom. We went in there, pulled down her shorts and pulled off the diaper and she played on the potty for a few minutes and then all of a sudden she started to poop on the floor... I immediately sat her on the potty and she finished the poop there. I showed her the one on the floor belonged in the toilet and then dumped it all in the big toilet and flushed it. She seemed a bit appalled by the whole poop incident, but I was so proud of her! She knew she had to go and told me, and ALMOST actually used it right.

So now I am on the Internet and reading my baby books to see what is next. I was wondering if she was too young, but according to what I read she is just at the right point for the early learners. She must take after her Mommy, my Mom told me that I asked to be potty trained when I was around two. I did have two older brothers though and my parents as an example, KD is an only child. Anyways, I am happy she is interested and that this could be the beginning of the potty training adventure. Of course I know she could regress or stop being interested at some point too, but I feel I should "strike while the irons hot." Sorry my blog has taken a poopy turn for now, but I may have other things to write about soon... don't you worry!

I guess I still need to buy a few items, so its off to the store for some training items: hand sanitizer, flushable wipes, pull ups, stickers for a reward, elastic waste banded shorts (for KD to pull off and on herself), and perhaps even a trip to the library for a DVD and a book or two (for her and me). Any tips from Mom's who have been down this road successfully already would be welcome. I have some concerns, she can't pull down her own pants yet, not for lack of trying (but hoping the pull ups will be easy to handle and that elastic waste bands will help her learn) and she has limited verbal skills (although she is a very good communicator with the words she does know and she knows how to say potty, poo poo, and pee pee.) I also don't know how to take this adventure on the road and if I need to fill her with water and juice for the next week to make sure she pees often or use a timer to remind us to go to the potty every 30 to 90 minutes or whatever. I don't know if I should expect her to learn this skill in a few days and go to underwear at her young age or if the pull ups are fine until she is a bit older. I don't know a lot, but I am ready to dive in!

I wanna wrap myself in bubble wrap

I have been exercising for a while now, getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight from the first kid, and now I am finally under that weight and on my way to getting to an even more decent weight. Anyways, now I am trying to get pregnant with kid #2 and every time we have tried to conceive I want to just lay horizontal and wrap myself in bubble wrap as to not jiggle anything loose that is necessary for this to work. As if jumping jacks or stomach crunches would cause me to not get pregnant. I have read over an over on Internet sites that exercising while ovulating and trying to conceive has no effect on conception, but somehow my brain wants to tell me otherwise. As if those little swimmers won't be able to make the trip if I jump around, and then if the egg gets fertilized it won't be able to grab onto my uterine wall and will fall out. I know its scientifically ridiculous to think like this, but apparently I am not the only crazy woman who thinks this way. I have found the same question posted on discussions on the Internet over and over. One woman wrote "I want to wrap myself in bubble wrap and cotton..." and its exactly how I feel! I think its because I have tried four times already and it hasn't taken yet. The first time around I got preggers on the second try, and I wasn't exercising, so this is a new neurosis for me. I worked full time and ran up and down ladders, lifted heavy boxes and the such, and I went to school in the evenings and stayed up late doing homework, but I wasn't exercising... so I was never worried about my physically activity level. I even had just gotten off the pill and my periods weren't even regular when I got preggers last time. So, I think its the length of time that has gone by this time that is turning me into a worry wart about the exercise. Its the only factor that is really different this time around.

I have read that if you are an athlete and have very low body fat that this could effect fertility. But I am still in the "overweight" category on the BMI chart, so that's not a worry for me. Everything else has said that if you have been exercising for a while before trying to get pregnant than you should be fine continuing your program during conception and pregnancy, and its best for your health and the future baby's to not halt it. And I also know that it takes an average of 6 months to a year for a woman at my age to conceive, so I am not out of the bounds of normal... just out of the bounds of what my previous experience was. So, today I did my workout at full tilt (except the jumping jacks, still couldn't bring myself to do those) even though I don't really want to. If this round doesn't take then I am going to be really paranoid next time and not move for three weeks and lay as flat as possible! LOL!!! :-D And on the other hand, if it doesn't take this round and I do lay flat for three weeks then I won't lose those final 4 pounds that put me at "normal" weight according to the BMI chart, which would be fabulous! So I can't get lazy yet. I still have goals to work on while I am waiting for this baby thing to happen.

I just need to think about this rationally for a moment. Women get pregnant all the time that don't know when they ovulated or aren't tracking their periods. Women do all kinds of crazy things that would make you think they would be the least likely to get pregnant in their situation, like smoking, drinking, taking all kinds of various medications, strange menstrual cycles etc. And back in the stone ages women probably had no clue as to when they were ovulating and were probably doing more physical work than any of us average types do today. Even crazy fit athletes get pregnant and keep going in their sport during pregnancy and everything is fine. So why should I think that my 45 minute aerobic exercise would make such a huge impact on my ability to get pregnant? Its just silly. I think those ovulation tracking kits are more a curse than a blessing. Knowing its actually very possible to get pregnant at a certain time of the month just makes you stress out over it, and that is probably the worse thing you can do when trying to get pregnant. Its better when you are clueless and it just happens!

Well, I guess for the next two weeks its back to normal for me and my exercise and eating habits. Then I get to see if mother nature has brought my monthly gift to me or not, and if not then I get to pee on a stick! (I know I can pee on a stick like 5 days before my period, but waiting for it is cheaper than doing that every time we try to get preggers... that pink box is under my bathroom sink waiting for me still.) I hope we got the job done this time, I really don't want to wait another month until the hubs is home (he just left yesterday for his 35 day rotation.) And I really don't want to have the next baby in July, a spring due date sounds so much nicer than being 9 months preggers during one of the hottest months of the year. But whatever God's will is I am sure it will happen accordingly. I just have to be patient, and that isn't always that easy. Especially since we put off trying until the timing was more ideal, and now we are past the "ideal" and are like... "happen already!" I would like to have the next one before I turn 35 or at least before my first goes into Kindergarten... or worse, college. Please, Lord... Please?!!!