Wednesday, September 28, 2011

Changes... BIG changes

My husband is going to be quitting his job soon... in about a week. That means he may no longer be a pilot. He is open to doing other jobs and being home more. He may fly here and there some as a contractor pilot, but we don't know for sure if that's going to open up for him as an opportunity. We are going out on a leap of faith that he will find a new job before his end of service pay runs out, and that will be in about four months.
The last time he was home I had wanted him to quit, but then he couldn't find a new job to transition over to. My husband made the point that at least he had a job and it pays well. I agreed that quitting seemed irrational and not the prudent thing to do. So I let him go back to work for 5 weeks... again. Then during this rotation he informed me he would only be home for 3 weeks when he got back and then gone again for 6 weeks because he would be going to recurrent training the week before his work rotation started again. I just didn't see how I could handle 6 weeks, especially after only getting him home for 3 in stead of 4 weeks. My ability to hold it together while he is gone is dwindling. I am lonely and depressed. I miss my husband, I don't like being alone at night while the kids are sleeping. I miss having him around. I am depressed by the daily routine of kids: wake them up, feed them, play with them or take the older one to school, feed them, give them a nap, wake them up, take them to lessons or on errands, feed them, bath time, book time, bed time REPEAT. The routine depresses me, I don't like it.
It hasn't always been this way for me but over this past year it seems every rotation my husband leaves it gets worse. And I kind of feel bad for doing this... but I told him that sometimes I think, "How can I get out of this? Where could I go?" Because sometimes I feel like running away from my life. I'm not really going to leave my children or my husband, its just a feeling. But again, you never know where the breaking point is and perhaps I am capable of doing something like that. I, of course, want to take action before that point comes. And having my husband come home and not work for 5 or 6 weeks at a time is part of taking that action. 

When my husband heard my musings it concerned him.  I don't blame him.  I made it seem like I was leaving him.  He said he didn't want to lose me to another man and he didn't want to lose his family.  So that did make him decide pretty quickly that he needed to quit.  I told him a few times that I wasn't actually going to leave him for another man.  He said he knows that.  But I sure did scare the guy!  Poor guy.  Either way, he needs to come home and not leave me alone anymore.  I am too lonely for that to keep happening.  I need my husband.
It will be stressful for us to have to look for jobs. I am going to have to work part time and he is going to have to figure out how to make ends meet with a lesser paying job. We do have high hopes that his Dad will be starting up a business soon. JD's Dad has been trying to get funding for his business for a while now, it seems like he is almost there... but we still don't have the actual money to say it's a done deal and to rely on. Once the money comes then JD will be hired to work for his Dad and we will be fine financially. But, in the mean time... as we wait for JD's Dad's business to start up, we both will need to find work.
So, I guess this means I may not be a pilot's wife anymore. But that is fine with me. And JD is ready to be done too. He has been stressed out with this job for more than a year now. It's wearing on him too. The time away from his family, living out of hotels and no home cooked meals, away from his friends and all comforts of American living. Then there is the way his company runs things, not good. Sometimes you can put up with all those things I listed when you work for a great company that treats you well. That is not the case here.
So, I guess wish us luck and say a prayer. This is going to be interesting.