I haven't been able to sleep very much, if at all, for the past three days. I got almost 3 hours of sleep from 4:45 am to 7:30 am this morning, after tossing and turning. I even took some medicine to help me fall asleep. I took a pill at 11:30pm, 12:30am, then two of another type of over the counter sleep medicine three hours later, and then another hour later two melatonin, and then FINALLY felt sleepy enough to drift off to sleep. Tonight we shall see if I get any sleep. Last week I didn't sleep at all through the night, I got up and wandered the house, checked my e-mail and watched TV until 7am. Then my husband got up and I crawled back into bed and slept until 10am. I didn't take ANY sleep medicine that night. Since then I haven't dared not to take anything. I usually take over the counter medicine, but tomorrow I am going to see a Doctor and get a prescription. Because I haven't slept I have a sore throat, and yesterday a cough joined the party. Blah... I don't like coughing, not very conducive for sleep either.
The reasons I am not sleeping may be many and complex. I am not sure what is going on. One reason I can think of is concern for my Aunt in the hospital. A few days ago she coded, they did a "code blue," meaning she wasn't breathing and they had to resuscitate her. I don't like hearing that. It makes me sad to think she could possibly die in the hospital and never get better. I do NOT want that to happen. She is in her 50's, and is a very special person. Everyone in our family looks to her for help and she freely gives of herself to all. She is a pillar of strength when everyone else is falling apart. I guess we are all learning how to do what she does. There are several family members that need help, and we are all learning to do our part now that she is in the hospital. I am happy that we are doing that, and I hope that if she does come home eventually that we won't stop doing our part. She is Type 1 Diabetic, she needs to take care of her own health. And after this accident she may need more of our help for her personally as well. She needs to start taking care of herself first before others, and that's not in her nature.
Another reason for stress is that my husband just left for his 35 day rotation, and he called me... the same day I found out about my Aunt's code blue, and told me he may possibly be gone for two months. They may decide to keep him and send him to training for a new plane, the Gulf Streams. He flies in the Hawkers now. While that is great news if they upgrade him to the Gulf fleet, its horrible news to me. #1 Because he will be gone longer and I already miss him after one week. #2 Because we started "officially trying" for baby number two and I got my period... so we need to try again. And... my period started that day that he told me about the possible extension...the same day I heard about my Aunt.
I was actually very upset that my period came, even though I knew we probably missed our chance. If we had only talked about how we felt about things three days earlier I would probably be pregnant right now. I have been working out to lose weight, and had pretty much decided to wait until the end of this rotation, until the end of July, to try to get pregnant... when he got back (of course). But I have gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and am okay with how I look. I would like another 8 pounds off of me before getting pregnant, but I realized we have very few more chances to actually try when he is home. So... the two months gone thing was really bumming me out. I was hoping to be working on "baking" the next baby in "the oven" now, while he was gone, hee hee... And the timing of his rotations, along with the extra training time, may mean we miss our opportunity in July, August and September! Ugh!!! We should have just started trying earlier and I wouldn't be wondering how this will all turn out and wishing I was pregnant right now. Screw the last 8 pounds, I want a baby! My first will be turning two in October, and I will be turning 34 this July... next month! So I feel that time is of the essence to get going on the second kid. I would like them to be close in age, and I want to have the next one before my 35th birthday. I am sure it will all work out, and I am not in control of these things anyways, so I need to just let it go. But it stressed me out more than I thought it would.
I also am stressing over the fact that its been three nights with little to no sleep. And my family has a history of bi-polar. I know that if my Mom went three nights with no sleep she would become manic, so I am almost waiting to go crazy. And that is crazy! I have been diagnosed with depression, and hypo-mania in the past, but I have been off medication since the end of 2006. My psychiatrist gave me a clean bill of health and said hopefully I wouldn't have to come back and see her after the baby was born (which I didn't) and hopefully would never have to see me again. She took me off my meds so I could get pregnant, and I was doing well without anything. So, yes... I am wondering if I am in a manic state when I am up all night not sleeping. But logic also points out that I do have a lot of things that are putting stress on my life.
When JD is away I go into single-Mom-mode and I end up taking on a lot of extra work and responsibility when he leaves. I have to watch a toddler all day, by myself, no husband to lean on. Its nice when he is home to help out. I don't have to worry about if I need a nap during the day because I didn't get any sleep the night before. I don't have to think about when I need to get up to get the baby, because he likes to get her in the morning and have Daddy and daughter time. He does my laundry, cooks half or more of our dinners, takes care of the lawn, the car, etc. etc. etc. Plus I have someone to cuddle at night when I crawl into bed. He provides a lot of emotional support to me as well, and with my Aunt not doing well recently I could use a hug from him. It would be nice to put my head on his chest and just cry about it all. But I can't.
Well, that is my saga... my story for the day. Its approaching 11pm and I need to take something that will make me sleepy for fear of staying up all night again. I have some nighttime Theraflu hot tea stuff a friend brought me today, with some soup (how sweet, right?) and I may try that. Then there is always NyQuil, that can knock a person out pretty well too. Plus tonight my in-laws have the baby, so I don't have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning to get her. That's great that they offered to do that for me tonight. They took her after her nap this afternoon, I bet they are pooped after running after her for a few hours. Awe, I miss my baby girl! Enough typing, off to bed and to sleep... hopefully.