Friday, December 25, 2009
Today I felt generally okay. A mild unsettled feeling in my tummy seemed to be hanging around all day, but food didn't put me off and I partook in many of the Christmas sweets that were hanging around my Aunt's house. Some treats were given as a gift and made their way home with me, thankfully I have pregnancy as an excuse to eat what would normally be off my diet. I like that excuse.
I was very happy to go to my Aunt's house and see how she is currently doing, she was in an accident on the last day of March and in the hospital from April to early December. Even though my husband is out of the country, and this being the first Christmas without my Mom, I think the visit went rather well. My Uncles were all very sociable and even interacted with my daughter a bit. That was pleasant. To explain that comment a bit...
One of my Uncles is not married and loves math and is very analytical, and makes you realize why no woman has wanted to marry him. He is just too... logical and not as sensitive as a woman would like a husband to be. But since the passing of my Mom (his sister) he has been talking to me more and engaging me in conversation, and even if it is about math half the time it has been nice. The other Uncle is severely bi-polar and was treated for schizophrenia for many years until they figured out he was being treated for the wrong mental disorder (this is greatly due to the successful treatment of my Mom for bi-polar and her Doctor saying it was very unlikely for her to have a brother with a completely different mental disorder). My Uncle lived with his Mom until she passed away and has lived across from my Aunt and her husband since then. He had almost no personality most of my life growing up, the schizophrenia medication tends to subdue one's personality. Very sad. But now every time I see him he seems to have come out of his shell a little more. He use to be very antisocial and stay at his house across the way and only visit for a few minutes at a time. But this visit he chatted away with everyone and even asked about KD and what words she was saying and asked about her general development. His face was very animated and he smiled a lot, not the Uncle I remember as a little girl. So this was very good to see.
My Aunt and her husband are very normal and loving people (nice to have SOME normal relatives). She and my Mom were very close and my Aunt is someone I have always looked up to and wanted to imitate her hospitality to family and friends and general kind and loving demeanor. I always thought she was a very special person. Even KD gravitates toward her. Even with my Aunt sitting in a wheel chair and half her teeth missing and her hair all chopped off and her voice sounding a bit strange (from having a tracheotomy done on her throat) KD wanted to go over to her and sit in her lap and play. Children can sense goodness in people, and my Aunt has a LOT of goodness in her. That warmed my heart to see them interacting together. My Aunt also was there when KD was born and practically delivered her! My Aunt was a labor and delivery nurse for over 22 years and when she came to the hospital the day I was delivering KD the Doctor didn't make it in time for KD's arrival. My Aunt and the nurse from the hospital were the ones that handled the whole thing!
I told my Aunt that she needs to get well enough for a repeat performance in August. And she said, "Definitely!" I told her how much she helped me out, with my breathing, and keeping me calm, and just that she was there when the Doctor wasn't I am sure helped out that nurse attending to me! She was glad she helped me out so much. And I truly do hope she is capable of doing the same thing when August rolls around. I can't imagine going through that without her the next time! I am sure I would be fine, but I would rather her be there. She was such a great coach!
My Aunt and Unlce's kids came and went. At the middle of my visit my Cousin and his wife were there to exchange gifts and have some lunch. They are fun people. Very animated in the way they talk and have a lot of things to chat with you about. No lack of conversation when they are around. And later in the evening my other Cousin came with her gifts to exchange, but most of the family had made their exit by then. Her kids weren't with her, but it was good to see her at least. She played with KD and I had a chance to play the piano for my Aunt. My Aunt always asks me to play her baby grand piano for her when I visit, and I gladly oblige. The TV was even muted for me as my Uncle, Aunt, and Cousin all listened and enjoyed. It was a small gathering of family, but it didn't feel like Christmas until I did that. They even said the same. The only thing that was missing was my Mom standing beside the piano singing along with the Christmas carols and my Aunt joining in on the alto in harmony. (My Aunt can't very well sing right now.) But the nostalgia was still felt as I sat there and played in the dimly lit room where the Christmas tree was lit and the piano sits waiting for someone to come along and tickle it's ivory keys. Poor lonely piano. My Aunt was learning how to play but never got to be that proficient in it. My Mom was the pianist of her family and then I took it up when I was 6 and took lessons all the way into my college years. So then I became the pianist of the family. It's nice to be that person, the one that plays the Christmas carols as family gathers around and sings along. I would have played earlier when my Uncles were still there, but KD was napping and so was my Aunt at one point. So I didn't want to wake anyone.
Overall I would say I am very blessed to have my family to visit and spend time with this Christmas and I hope everyone else had a very Merry Christmas as well. God bless!
Sunday, December 20, 2009
This is how the day goes "Mommy hold me." I pick her up. "I want juice, I want snack, I want crackers, I want chicken, I want orange." Yes, these demands are all in one string and I have barely a chance to get a word in edge wise. I say, "You want juice?" KD, "Yeah!" with a big smile. I say, "Say please." KD, "Pleeeaase!!" I get up to get her the juice. KD in the living room starts to rattle off her other requests, I am in the kitchen and about to go nuts. KD then says, "Mommy hold me!" and starts to whine... I want juice, snack, orange! I yell back, "I am getting it! I can't hold you and get your food at the same time!" I know I shouldn't yell back, but I am getting frustrated. The preggie hormones make me feel like I am PMS-ing, getting really emotional and irritable. At this point I am wishing JD was home to help out. But he will be gone for another month, so I know that isn't going to happen. KD then cries about something in the other room, "I dropped it!" she perhaps dropped a toy on the floor or a cracker and the dog is now scooping it up... and she doesn't want to get off the couch to fetch it. I usually say, "It's okay, go pick it up." or "The doggie has it now, oh well. I am getting you juice and chicken."
This routine is constant. After she gets a few foods in front of her she demands a new food. I say, "Finish your chicken. No cookies until you eat your chicken." She takes two bites and is on it again... "Cookie?" Ughhh, it's exhausting sometimes. If I give her juice she now wants milk. There is just no pleasing her, and I think she never stops eating! My goodness! I swear you would think I am starving her to hear her ask for food all the time. Even down to the last minute before bed time she is asking for another snack and a refill on her milk or juice!
I am watching the clock closely to see if its time for her nap yet or time for bed. I can't wait to get her asleep so I can have a peaceful moment to myself. And usually at her nap time I need a nap myself! Before its time for her to go to bed I am already falling asleep on the couch as she sits on my lap and eats her 100th snack and downs her milk, while watching PBS Sprouts or Nick Junior. I am lucky if she lets me get away with a little snooze too. Pretty soon she is off the couch and wants me to play with her and Mr. Potato Head, or get up and dance to the silly song that is playing on Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't wait until JD is home again and he can field the runs to the kitchen for the 100th time or take the second round of dancing. Like I said, she is going to have to learn to deal with some disappointment.
I can't hold her and prepare her food (some things I can, but not all things) and when my belly gets bigger I won't be able to do much picking up at all. And I can't run after her through the house to play tag for 15 minutes and then do a silly dance for a half hour, and I am sure that is not going to improve with the pregnancy. And I am not willing to give into every demand or whim. She is going to have to get use to only one or two food groups at a time. I am NOT getting up and down all day long to fetch her food when she hasn't finished what I just gave her. This toddler is going to be giving me tantrums and getting time outs and I am going to be at my wits ends for a bit until she gets the message! Poor girl... poor preggie ME!
I do have my in-laws down the street to help me out. Opi (the name for her Grandpa) and Grama are helpful. Tonight I made an SOS call to them when I just was fed up with the, "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna..." and her crying when she didn't get her way. I was in no mood for the whole thing. I was about to blow my top, and that is not good. I am not a good Mother when I start to lose it. Yelling and spanking are not things I want to start doing, especially in an emotional state. It's not fair to KD either for me to behave that way. She won't understand why I am so irritable or why I am blowing up at her. So, it's good to make that phone call and get the help before I get to that breaking down point. If I can't be calm and talk to her quietly, and just let her know she is due for a time out in a composed manner, I am not in a good place. She responds well to me when I am calm and when she is merely threatened with a time out. If I am about to yell at her, or I do yell at her, then the SIREN in my brain starts to go off and I know its time to call in the troops to help.
Ok, I feel better now after venting. Hopefully tonight I will get a good night's sleep and feel refreshed and revived and have a new perspective on things in the morning. I hope I can get these preggie hormones under control, dig in and be the good Mommy my toddler deserves, and pull in the reins on my little "Demanding Diva." She will be happier and I will have a more peaceful household. All will be well.
Friday, December 18, 2009
On day 28 of my cycle I decided to take the other preg test I had left, just to see it turn positive! haha... It just seems like a dream when you first see that positive and its nice to see your dreams are confirmed to be fact. The test turned positive within a millisecond LOL... definitely pregnant!
A couple days later I had some nausea and dizziness when I worked out. So I ended up doing a grocery trip for some preggie friendly foods (as well as nutritional) and added the Saltines and Ginger Ale in there too! The next day I worked out I felt fine, no dizziness and actually felt energized.
Hoping to stay focused and fit and healthy throughout pregnancy #2 and praying this one is a keeper! Which... I have a feeling it is. All symptoms so far are 100% normal and I am not too worried about a miscarriage at this time. Praying for baby #2 and thanking the Lord for His blessing, what a GREAT Christmas gift!
Monday, December 14, 2009
Even though it is early I like telling friends and family about the fact that I am pregnant. I know that the first trimester is scary because its the highest risk trimester for miscarriages. But I also know that if that happened I would want my close friends and family to know what was going on and be there for moral support as well. So, there you have it. I am still praying that all goes well and this pregnancy is as drama free as my last one. I had no problems with KD and the only thing she did that was off track was not turn around for her due date early enough. But she got there when she needed to be. Otherwise the whole thing went picture perfect.
I am so glad we got preggers this time around that JD was home. We would have had a couple more windows of opportunity coming up and then we would have stopped trying a few months to avoid overlapping with birthdays and Christmas. (I don't know if I actually would have skipped future opportunities over those reasons, but JD thinks we would have.) This baby is due at the end of August and JD's rotation shows he is suppose to be home the entire month. That is a blessing and a half. Being a pilot's wife, it can be stressful to be pregnant and know that the due date is when he will be away from home. Of course I am crossing my fingers that his rotation schedule doesn't change. That is always a possibility, but he just got this one with his new position in the Falcon.
People have been asking if we want a boy or a girl and if we want to find out before the baby is born. My feeling is I would take either. I'm 50/50 on the issue. A girl would be great because then KD would have a little sister and I think it would be fun for them to have each other as friends. But then a boy would be great because we would have one of each and I wouldn't feel bad for JD not getting his boy. JD said (after he found out I was pregnant) that he will be equally happy either way, as long as the baby is healthy. I know that is somewhat true, but I know he would like a boy next. We both only want two kids and I know he wants a boy. And on the finding out issue, I would like to wait and be told when the baby is born. Since this is the last time I will be doing this (knock on wood) I would like to know what that feels like to be told on the day the baby arrives. We found out KD was a girl very early in my pregnancy. But I am also curious about what sex the next one will be and I like to get a head start on decorating the room and I like picking out the name and not calling the baby in my belly "it" or "he/she." I think in some ways it helps you bond with your baby to call them by name during the entire pregnancy. JD is pretty sure he wants to find out before the baby is born. So, we will see what we end up doing. Probably will end up finding out early.
Wednesday, December 9, 2009
I hate these last few days where I am waiting for my period. I could take a pregnancy test but the accuracy is diminished the further away from your period start day is and since my start day has a four day swing to it it's not worth doing that and wasting money every month. So I am trying to be patient and let "mother nature" let me know if its time to take a test or not.
Tomorrow is day 25, and when my period usually shows up... except for every 6 months or so. And I am PRAYING that it doesn't show up tomorrow. (Please God!!!) So far I have had some PMS type moodiness, but no cramps or spotting, so that is good. Sunday is day 28 so that means Monday, the latest, it should start if I am not pregnant. But if JD leaves that day I may take a pregnancy test in the morning (especially if I still have no cramps or spotting before that day). That way if I AM preggers I can let him know in person and not via Skype or e-mail or Instant Message... LOL.
There is a chance JD may get a few extra days home (something about where the plane is and crew positioning etc), and if that happens then I will wait Monday out to see if the big P comes and then take a test Tuesday morning, if it hasn't already started. Of course that would be what I would pray happens! I would rather not "waste" a test when I could wait one more day to be sure its worth taking it. (I used one of two out of the box last time, so I only have one test on hand to take.) And I would rather know that we tried during a regular length, 28 day, cycle. Especially since he will be gone the next cycle, and if this time isn't the 28 day cycle then the next one probably will be and I will be bummed that he wasn't home to try during a 28 day cycle.
I am SO repeating myself, I am so sorry if anyone is reading this blog and thinking "Quit your whining!" I feel like telling myself that, "Just shut-up already!" But typing my thoughts out helps a lot, even if its a bit repetitive. I only have one more night to go and all day tomorrow to wait to know for sure I at least I am not on a short 24 day cycle (my norm). I am crossing my fingers and praying every moment that I will make it through Sunday without a period. Then I just have to wait out Monday, or even give myself permission to cave in Monday morning and just take that darn test already! Good grief, at least then I can turn off this repetitive thought process about cycle lengths, and trying during a 28 day cycle... yadda yadda. I can't wait until Monday is over and all this wondering comes to an end. And on the other hand hoping that I do have to wait until Monday for my period to come, I am going to be really sad if it starts before then.
Friday, December 4, 2009
I think part of the blues is knowing that there is nothing else we can do at this point to get pregnant and not wanting to get my hopes up and be too excited that maybe THIS time was the time that worked. If I get too excited about it and my period comes then I will not just feel the blues I will be depressed, and I don't want that to happen.
Right now my weight is oscillating between 148 and 150 lbs, and I am trying to just work out at a low level to not over stress my body and to maintain my weight, not focus on losing any more weight. I keep telling myself, "If you aren't pregnant you will have another month to work on the next few pounds while the hubs is away, and if you are pregnant then your weight is just fine where it is." My tummy is pretty flat, at least in the morning when I first wake up. By the end of the day, of course, its a bit more bloated looking due to eating and being hydrated. But that doesn't bother me. I know that I am skinnier than I have been in a long time and that I am more fit than the last time I weighed 149 lbs. I have more muscle, I have more stamina, and I am sure my metabolism is functioning much better due to the regular exercise.
I guess the exercise and focusing on losing weight is more of a way to get my mind off trying to conceive, and right now I don't have that crutch. Its a bit aggravating and makes me want to crawl in bed, and then just stay in bed. I also want to eat, but I know that won't make me feel better. If I am not pregnant and I gained 5 lbs while waiting to find out I will be very upset with myself. Ice cream is not the answer for me right now. I try to talk to JD about my blues and how I feel, but there isn't that much to say and not much we can do about it. I suppose my focus on just maintaining my weight at 148-149 lbs will have suffice for now. It does take work to keep the pounds off, just as it takes work to get rid of it. But I really don't want to do much working out at all these past few days. I am lucky if I get in a 45 min walk (doing Leslie Sansone's 3 mile "Walk Away" dvd in my living room). I would do the more challenging DVD workouts but I am 1. not in the mood and 2. don't want to hurt my chances of getting pregnant. If I work out too hard I am not sure if that is going to hurt the chance of that little egg of latching onto my uterine wall... even if the books and my internet research says it won't hurt my chances. I just don't want to hurt any chances of this working this time and wonder, "hmmm If only I didn't do those crunches or so many jumping jacks..." or whatever. I want to have no regrets and feel like I did everything in my power to get pregnant this time.
What I am dreading is if this cycle turns out to be a 24 day cycle and not the 28 day cycle I was hoping for. If it is only 24 days I am going to be really bummed because JD won't be here for the chance to try during a 28 day cycle (which I figured would either be this month or the next one). If It is a 28 day cycle and I am not pregnant at least I know its not the length of the cycles that is causing us to not be able to get pregnant again. And then I can take all my data to my Doctor and let him know what has been going on, see if he can pin point any reason or if we are doing everything right.
So, here I am... waiting waiting waiting. Ughhhh I hate waiting! I am going to go take a nap now.