Tuesday, February 23, 2010

Baby Dreams/ Genetics Scare

I had my first dream about my future baby a few nights ago. I am just starting into my 2nd trimester now and there is an ultrasound coming up at the end of March (around week 19) that may confirm if we are having a boy or a girl. Apparently my subconscious thinks I am having a boy. In my dream that is what I had.

It was a strange dream. At first I thought I was having two babies, and then I realized I was only having one baby. But I was in the hospital for some reason and had to be put under. When I woke up from whatever surgery I had to undergo I had my baby sitting in front of me. I was like, "Wow! There is my baby! What happened?" I was told that they had to take the baby out early. I had a healthy baby boy and he was chubby and cherub like with blonde hair and light green eyes. I said, "He's a big baby for being born early. He is only 20 weeks!" And the nurse said, "Yes he is big for 20 weeks." He was sitting upright in my dream and I could see his chubby legs and cute little face. Weird how dreams are. There is no way I would have a chubby, healthy baby if they took him out at 20 weeks. But there you have it.

When I was pregnant with KD I had a dream about her birth too. In that dream I was on a couch and all my family was crowded around me and I refused to push her out until Jason got there. I was looking for him and very perturbed that he wasn't there yet. When he got there and I pushed she came out in what looked like a mailing tube... LOL. And I pushed her through the tube with my hand and then she expanded, like those toys that are sponges and you add water and watch them expand. And she went from infant to a toddler in a few seconds. In that dream she was standing up in her crib and looking at me, she had curly reddish brown hair and blue eyes. What is interesting is that she had reddish brown hair when she was born, although it is blonde now. And she has blue eyes and a little curl to her hair too, not as much as in the dream. Makes me wonder if my dream about the boy will come true. JD has light hazel eyes, he says to KD that they are green all the time.. but they are more like the color of honey. So perhaps that is where I got the light green thought from. So, perhaps we will have a boy with JD's eye color this time. (KD has the color of my Mom's eyes. I have brown eyes, the color of my Maternal Grandmother's eyes. My Dad has light blue eyes.) Anyways... just a few interesting thoughts. It's fun to dream about my future baby.

What IS NOT fun is genetics testing. I was going to write about this a few days ago when we found out some news. But now JD and I are kinda over it. But what happened is we got a first trimester blood screen done by a genetics center and my chances went from 1 in 384 of having a baby with Down Syndrome to 1 in 68. Its because I will be 35 when this baby is born that the statistics are worse than what I had with KD. The number scared JD and he was stressing out. I wasn't worried that much about it, but his concern transferred to me a bit. But when we were told about the tests that can be done, there is one that takes placenta tissue to figure out if your baby actually has Downs and the Amnioscentesis that can be done later, I didn't want to do the first test because that has a 1 in 100 chance of a miscarriage. The Amnio isn't as bad, a 1 in 400 chance, but I was thinking about it and I told JD that it seemed silly to even do the test and chance a miscarriage when we both agree that if the child does have Downs we wouldn't terminate the pregnancy. He was like, "NO... we wouldn't terminate it, but it would be nice to know and to prepare." I wasn't convinced it was necessary to know 100% beforehand, and to freak out over a number like a 1 in 68 chance, or to introduce a chance of a miscarriage to a baby that I would be distraught over if I lost it just because I wanted to know "for sure." So we waited to see the OBGYN and get his opinion.

The Doctor thought the way I did. He asked, "If you did the Amnio and found out the baby has Downs Syndrome what would you do about it?" He then said, "If you wouldn't terminate the pregnancy then there is no point to performing the procedure." I agreed and the only thing JD was thinking was that it would be nice to know ahead of time to prepare and be sure. The Doctor said that if the baby is born with Downs there would be plenty of support and information given to us to be able to properly take care of our baby and there isn't much pre-planning that one can do beforehand. So, that settled the issue for both of us. Plus, the Doctor said that chances are we will have a perfectly healthy baby and the genetics testing just freaked us out for no reason. I agree.

I think if I were to do it over again I would tell them to go ahead and test for the more detrimental genetic problems, like the ones that would show your baby is going to die within 3 months of birth due to a lack of a certain gene, and to leave the info on the Downs out of the picture. Even if they had to do the test I wouldn't want to know the results. I know there is a higher risk as I get older for me having a baby with Downs Syndrome, but I don't need to know my statistical number. There is still a greater chance for me to have a normally healthy baby than for me to have a Downs baby. And even if I have a Downs baby there is no way I would love him or her any less. I already love this baby! Plus, having the Amnio doesn't tell you how severe the Downs is. There is such a large spectrum of mild to severe problems that come with that, you wouldn't even be able to know until they are born, or even until they were older and could have their I.Q. tested. And Downs people are so sweet and good natured. I think I would be able to handle it if I had a kid with DS. If that is what God chooses to give me then I will gladly take on the challenge. I mean, after all, the baby is here already. Whatever he or she is or has is set already. Nothing can be done to change that outcome. Nothing I can do now to make my baby a boy or a girl, or to choose their hair color, or their eye color, or if they are perfectly healthy or have some kind of genetic problem or other physical problem. The baby is here, he/ she is coming, and I love him/ her already. And that is that. Whatever happens I know God has prepared me to be this child's Mother. I was meant to have this child in my life and everything will be fine. If the child needs extra special care over it's lifetime the Lord will provide the means to support that. I have that faith in God to take care of it all. It's out of my control anyway, no use in worrying about it. Worrying is useless. I think JD is starting to see that too. I really hope he is able to stop being concerned about this and put it in God's hands.

Saturday, February 6, 2010

First Trimester Coming to an End!

I have one week left and the first trimester is over! I am going to be very happy to see the preggie sickness go away. I am approaching the end of the 12th week and already my energy has picked up. I still have moments of feeling queasy, but even that seems to have lessened. Today I actually didn't nap!

My husband came home January 18th and has been doing EVERYTHING around the house as I crawl into bed every chance I get. He has been home to see me have severe migraines and throw up and to feel ill all day and all night. It gets worse right around 6pm and I don't have the strength to even make dinner. Tonight was the first night I have cooked dinner since he got home, and the first day I didn't take a nap in the middle of the day along with KD. There were even nights when I just had to crawl into bed and let him do all the work of giving KD her bath and getting her ready for bed. I know he can handle it, I just feel like I should be there doing that along side him and to be there for KD. But Jason has been a really great help.

There was one night, about a week after JD got home, that I cried after he crawled into bed after me. I had been sucking it up for a month and holding myself together as much as possible to keep the house clean and take care of KD and myself. When JD gets home I try to help him acclimate because he has sever jet lag and I want to give him time to rest. Well, after a week of continuing to "hold it together" for KD and JD and be "Super Mom" I started to get migraines almost every night. This one night I had left to go lie down for a bit before it was time to get KD ready for bed. When I went in to help JD put KD in her pajamas and to help read her books, KD looked at me and knew I didn't feel well. She asked, "Mommy sick?" I said, "My head hurts" and she reached up and started to rub my forehead, very sweet of her. JD then looked at KD and jokingly said, "Tell Mommy to suck it up." I took offense to that and said, "You've never had a migraine before have you? You have no idea what this is like." I finished up story time and hugs with KD and then crawled back into bed in our pitch black bedroom. Once JD came in he turned on the bathroom light and left the door open as he proceeded to get ready for a shower. I balked at him and said, "Shut the door!" The light over the sink bounces over to the mirrored closet doors and directly into my eyes. I then thought to myself, "What a jerk!"

When he finally crawled into bed and asked if it was okay to watch TV (which also hurts my head, even with my eyes shut, when I have a migraine) I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. He groaned impatiently back and then turned on the TV. I then proceeded to cry. The thing about starting to cry when you are pregnant is that it is hard to stop. As I was blubbering, he turned off the TV, I told him that I HAVE been "sucking it up" for a month and holding it together for a month while he was gone. I was angry that he couldn't see how I was in pain and that it was bad enough of a pain for me to not participate in evening activities with him and KD. I had hoped that he would see me suffering and say, "Honey why don't you go to bed, I can take care of KD and put her to bed tonight." But I also realized expecting your husband to have the emotional awareness of a woman is not a realistic expectation. I took the blame for not voicing my discomfort and not simply telling him "I cannot handle this right now, I feel sick to my stomach and I have a migraine, I need to go to bed and be in complete darkness and quiet." He said that if I need to do that then he can handle the bed time stuff, even though KD may not be too happy about it. And I agreed to participate in the book reading time and the final hugs goodnight if he did everything else and didn't get me until all the lights were off except her dim side table lamp... in the event of a future migraine or major stomach sickness. I also take the blame for thinking I have to be "Super Mom" and try to do everything for KD, even when JD is home. I know he can handle the bedtime routine without me. He is a big boy. And if KD cries about me leaving to go lie down, then tough crackers. Mommy needs to take care of herself sometimes. So... the crying stopped and he apologized. I joked, "Why can't you act like a woman sometimes?" and we went to bed.

Other than that particular night it has been a great help to have Jason home. He has done all the laundry, washed all the dishes, cooked all the dinners, gone grocery shopping with me (which he hates to do) taken KD to her swim lessons when I was too sick to go, and has cleaned and vacuumed the house several times over while he has been home. So, I really do have a great husband. I am very happy that he has been here to do all that. Now I am crossing my fingers that after next week I will feel like my normal self again. Then when he leaves February 18th I won't have to "suck it up" again when I feel like I am about to fall apart.

Oh, and exciting news... I have an ultrasound coming up on Monday. We may be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl at that time! I know I have said that I would like to wait, but I know JD wants to find out and if we can find out this time, right before he leaves for work again, I think that would be a great early Valentine's gift for each other. And I gotta admit, I am curious if this is a boy that has been giving me such a hassle or if we are having another girl. And then I can stop thinking about possible boy and girl names and just focus on one gender's name. And the other bonus is starting to decide on how to decorate the baby's room and plan out what I am going to paint as a mural over this baby's bed, like I did in KD's room. Ahhhh, I love that part. So, I am glad we are going to find out early. Well, if the baby cooperates and the technician can tell us. I know its possible that we may not find out this time around. Finding out on the day the baby is born would be very exciting and something that I would like to experience, but... there are pros and cons to either scenario. And as JD is excited to find out, I am starting to get excited as well.