Saturday, October 31, 2009

Happy Halloween!

I have been a busy gal for Halloween. I haven't decorated my own house, just a pumpkin (one inside and one outside). And the one inside I drew the face on. The one outside is on a shelf under a window with a few scarecrows hanging out in the planter. So I look like a Halloween grouch LOL. But I have been busy painting and creating for other projects.

A friend of mine commissioned me to do some photo op items for her church's Harvest Festival. One of them you stick your face through different characters (like a scarecrow, a pumpkin, a farmer) and the other one was a row of corn stalks and they are going to place a couple bales of hay in front of it for people to sit on and have their picture taken. Those were fun, but took a lot of my free time. I had to do them during the hours my daughter took her nap and after she went to bed. I often stayed up until 2am to finish. But that is normal for me, to be up that late. But man did my bum hurt! I think I squatted too much during the painting of those. (They were both around 4' x 7'... so rather large.)

After those were completed I headed over to my own church to help decorate for our Harvest Festival, this was pro-bono. I volunteered to decorate a couple doors in themes for the "treasure or treat" hunt the kids will be doing. I chose the music and art theme doors. Since I play the piano and sing, and compose music I thought I could handle that. And since I am an artist I thought I could swing the other one too :-) They did turn out cute. I used craft paper for those. I was DONE with the painting! Those I did mostly during the day time, while KD played with the other Mom's (who were doing other doors) kids or with Grandma at home. I did stay up late last night cutting out music notes and staff lines etc, for my music door, until about 1:30am. I think painting would have been easier, but it looked better with the paper.

My hubby is still gone flying, trying to accumulate those training hours so he can come home. He has been gone from home for over 5 weeks so he is getting antsy. He has 15 hours down and 10 to go. He is a bit sad about not being able to go with me and KD to our church's Harvest Festival. It should be fun. There will be a bounce house, the prizes at the themed doors, some games, a cake walk, BBQ, a live rock-a-billy band, face painting (I might be wrangled in for that job too). Sounds like a good time to me! I don't have a cute costume for KD to wear. I have a shirt that says "Boo-tiful" on it and some black leggings that have silver sparkles in it and some pumpkin socks. So she will be dressed in Halloween themed items. She likes to dress up, but only for a few minutes and then she wants out of her tutu or whatever she put on. So, maybe next year when she is three she will be ready for a cute costume. Last year we stayed home so I put on her ladybug dress that my cousin gave her and she wore that around the house and the front yard and helped up pass out candy to the kiddos when they rang the door. This year I didn't buy any candy since we won't be home tonight. So glad about that... don't want left over sweets to be tempting me. And I hope that what KD gets tonight isn't that much. In fact I will make sure it isn't. I will be the one ending up eating it or just tossing it. I still have 6 lbs to lose and I am going to really focus this next month on exercising and doing more cardio to lose that last bit of flab on my belly. Otherwise I am looking pretty good these days.

I hope JD gets home soon, it would be nice to have him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And to have another chance or two for baby making hee hee. The more chances we have the better, right?

Have a Happy Halloween everybody! Stay safe!

Thursday, October 15, 2009

Texas visit

I got to go to Texas this past Monday to today (Thursday). My hubs is there training for the new plane he has been promoted to fly. He will be flying a Falcon now, he was flying the Hawker. I got to sit in a sim while he "flew." It was really cool, this box on hydraulic legs that bounced you around and shook and all kinds of things. If you have ever been on the "Star Tours" ride at Disneyland it was kind of like that.

We were able to time my visit with the time of month that I am suppose to be ovulating, but who knows if we "hit the target" or not? We tried our best to not talk about it and just hang out, have fun, no pressure. I really don't want it to become a chore to be intimate. If we aren't in the mood... then we aren't in the mood, no biggie. But we hadn't seen each other for a couple weeks, so getting into the mood wasn't that difficult... hee hee. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high and then get the blues again.

Today I heard that another friend of mine had a miscarriage... so sad. She was past the first trimester and just started into the 2nd trimester. So, that couple must feel devastated right now. She has two kids already, but I don't think that makes it any easier when you lose a baby beyond the first few weeks of pregnancy. At this point she may have even seen her baby bouncing around on the ultrasound, and I am sure she at least has heard the heart beat. It just makes you realize how delicate the whole process is of having a baby. Its more amazing when nothing goes wrong and Mom does fine and baby turns out perfectly healthy.

Like with my first pregnancy... Our first try and we get preggers right away, and I didn't have any complications at all during my pregnancy, and when KD was born she didn't have any problems. When she had her first check-up the Pediatrician was like, "Its really amazing when a child is born completely healthy... absolutely no problems." We did feel very blessed. Today's news just further spurred me to be thankful to God for giving us such a wonderful daughter. She is smart as a whip and ahead of the curve for most of her developmental mile stones. Can't help but feel blessed.

I also realized today that even if I get preggers it doesn't mean that we are "out of the woods" just yet. Its pretty common to have a miscarriage, 1 in 4 pregnant women end up having one. So, I do want to get pregnant, and I want to be excited about it if it happens, but I will have to realize that our dreams of a second baby may fall flat even just after finding out I am pregnant. I will have to continue to brace myself for the worse, while hoping for the best. You just never know what can happen. I know my husband and I have even had the conversation... if he had to decide between me living or the baby living who would he choose? Its a horrible thought, and one I hope he will never be put in the position to make, but its good to talk about these things. He decided he would rather have me, we can always make another baby... but he doesn't want to lose his wife. I would probably want my baby to live over me, but I think that is the Motherly instinct, and I agreed with my husband's wishes and said if we are ever in that position I support his decision to save me, his wife, over our baby. I am sure I would be devastated though, if it was a scenario where I was 9 months along and ready to bring a baby home and then lost the little one instead. Very sad. Okay... enough depressing talk.

Friday, October 9, 2009

My Aunt, doing better

I got to visit my Aunt today, thanks to a friend from my church who volunteered to watch KD. She is talking using a voice box "button" that is in the place where her trachea tube use to be. So her voice didn't sound like her, but it was wonderful to be able to talk to her again. When she was awake, when I visited before, she had to mouth everything and it was difficult to understand what she was trying to say. While I was there the Physical Therapist came in and had her sit up and get into a wheelchair. It was good to see her starting to gain some strength, although just that task alone was difficult and she needed his assistance quite a bit. He mentioned that her neck brace could probably come off at this point, but they have to do some x-rays first and the Doctor has to sign off on it, of course. But its good, I think, if the PT already thinks she could handle supporting her neck without the brace.

She asked if my Mom was at home when she passed away, I said, "Yes. It was a quick and painless death. They think it was a heart attack." But I didn't tell her any more details about Mom's passing. I figured she didn't need to know all those things, just needed to know she died painlessly and to continue to be happy for her, that she is in Heaven. My Aunt seemed to be okay with the news, happy that her sister is now in a better place and no longer suffering from mental illness and the other physical ailments that she was acquiring towards the end of her life. I feel the same way. Even if I do miss my Mom at least I don't have to worry about her anymore, which I often did. I was always concerned about her being lonely or if she was taking her meds properly, if she was eating well enough etc. So, its nice to not have to be worried about those things anymore. I am blessed that I had a Mother for as long as I did.

I brought a collage board I made to set up at my Mom's memorial service, she liked looking at that. I left it there for my Aunt, so she can see my Mom whenever she thinks about her. I have all those pictures on my computer, so I don't need the board. I also set up my laptop so my Aunt could see KD, since I can't bring my little girl in due to the amount of germs in that environment. My Aunt enjoyed that as well. I would have brought pictures, but it would take days to print as many as I have of KD! So this way she could see more pics and even saw a couple little videos I made of KD singing in the tub, and sitting at the piano playing and singing. It was a good visit.

My Aunt said she feels the prayers of everyone, after I told her many people have been keeping her in their prayers. I am glad she feels encouraged and loved by everyone, even though she is alone most of the day in the hospital. I can't explain how happy I am to have seen her in the condition she is in! There are no words to explain it all. Although she is not fully recovered she has come so far since I last saw her, and that is very encouraging. And it is wonderful hearing her say, "I love you" and be able to give her kisses. I would have given her a big bear hug, but didn't want to pull any tubes loose, or wrench her neck. It was just nice to see her awake and talking and sitting up again. I am very pleased to see her doing better!

Thursday, October 8, 2009

Anxiety lifted

I found out today that my Uncle already told my Aunt about my Mom's passing. So now I don't have to be stressed about breaking the news to her tomorrow when I see her. It would have been nice if he told me when he broke the news so I wouldn't be worried about it. Oh well, at least now I can go enjoy a nice visit with my Aunt.

He didn't tell her the truth, he said my Mom passed away in her sleep (she had a heart attack and the story is a bit more complicated than just saying she died in her sleep). But I am not going to bother my Aunt with the details right now, she doesn't need to get worried about any of this. My Uncle said she took the news okay. I am kind of surprised about that, but then again my Mom's life wasn't all peachy keen and my Aunt knows as well as I do that Mom was a Christian and we both believe that she is in Heaven and a whole person again. So it really is more of a time to rejoice than a time to mourn. But I am sure some sort of grief about it will hit at some point. Its hard not to miss a loved one, even if you are happy they are in Heaven.

I am very excited to see my Auntie Pat now... can't wait for tomorrow!

Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Anxiety about breaking bad news

I have been really emotional lately, partly because we are trying to get pregnant. I think the other part of the equation is that I may be telling my Aunt the bad news about my Mom, her sister, soon. She doesn't know yet that my Mom passed away in July. And here we are in October already.

I haven't seen my Aunt since she got her halo-brace removed, a few weeks ago, and since she has been able to talk again. She recently got her trachea tube removed and now can talk and not just mouth words, that I can't read half the time. The last three times I saw her she was asleep and if she opened her eyes it wasn't for long, and I don't think she realized I was there. So I am excited to see her now that she is more awake and aware of what happened and where she is. She is also walking using a walker and with assistance from nurses! I can't wait to see her! I am so happy she has turned the corner and isn't at the doorstep of death anymore. She had so many close calls that sometimes I really thought she was going to die.

But when I go see her she may ask me about my Mom. She already asked about her when talking to her husband, and he said she wanted to visit but wasn't able to get a ride. I don't want to lie to her, but I understand why he doesn't want her to know the bad news yet, he is afraid she isn't strong enough for the news yet. I can tell her, if she even asks, that my Mom isn't able to come visit. And if she asks why then I may try, "Don't worry about her, she wants you to get better and loves you." And if that doesn't do the job to deflect the questions I may end up telling her that her sister has passed away and that is why she hasn't seen her. I know eventually this is going to happen, and I don't want to lie to her because I don't want her to be angry at us for keeping this from her. Its hard to know what to do in this situation. I guess if she presses and demands to know why my Mom can't come see her she may be strong enough to get the truth.

The other part of my anxiety lately is not only about potentially telling my Aunt but knowing how hard she is going to take it and how hard its going to be to see her cry. I think its going to make me relive the experience a bit again, and that will be hard for me as well. But I really want to be there whenever she gets the news because I want to be able to hug her and hold her hand and cry with her and talk about it. Since my Mom, my Aunt, and I were all so close to each other I feel that it will be important for her to have me as a support to get through the grief. We took many vacations together and they were both there when my daughter was born. When my parents divorced I chose to live with my Mom (while my brothers chose to live with my Dad) and my Aunt often came over to read the Bible to my Mom and pray for her, and she was there for me when my Mom (who was Manic Depressive) ended up in the mental hospital a couple times. I would stay at my Aunt's house and she would make sure I got to school and would take care of me until my Mom was out of the hospital again. I guess she is like a second Mom to me, and also kind of like a sister to me as well. She is just the best Auntie a girl could ever wish for and I love her to pieces, I would literally die for her and trade places with her in a second to give her relief from this whole painful process. I love her that much. She means to world to me! And with my Mom gone I am really glad that she is recovering and that I won't be losing her too.

I am planning, at this time, to drive out to see her Friday. It will take about 45 minutes to get there with no traffic, which I hope to avoid by leaving at 10am. And I have a friend that is able to watch KD so I don't have to take her to the hospital and expose her to possible diseases. She hasn't gotten her flu shot yet and I don't want KD to be getting sick. And I have left messages for my Uncle, my Cousin, and my Mother-in-law about going with me. If I can have someone there to help me with all this that would be great. But I feel that I really need to see my Aunt no matter what, even if I have to see her alone. Its been too long and I haven't seen her since she has made progress.

Tuesday, October 6, 2009

Beating the Blues

I am attempting to get back into gear and not let the fact that I am not pregnant get me down. I only did my exercise two days last week, and only for a half our. The day I got my period was the last day I worked out. The rest of the week I ate too much sweets and was drinking a wine cooler every night before bed, and I don't drink on a daily basis. I drink only on social occasions, and even then not every time. So for me to be drinking at all says a lot. (I had the alcohol from a Bunco party that I hosted at my house Friday night, and the ladies left it for me. I should have sent it out the door with whoever brought it.)

I gained 1.5 lbs from all the slacking last week. So I definitely can't keep that up and need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my butt in gear again. My next weight goal (I am below my first goal) was only 6 pounds away, but now its almost 8 pounds away... I am headed in the wrong direction. But I know it was just because I was feeling down. I need to reset my focus and strive towards this new weight loss goal and not think about getting pregnant.

Today, even though I was tempted to just get my P.J.'s on and hop into bed tonight, I finally did my workout like a good girl. I even didn't eat that bad and when tempted to reach for one of the last two wine coolers I decided that a tall glass of water would be a better option and allowed myself a Diet Coke with a scoop of trail mix as a "good job" treat, for getting back into the routine.

Next week I am going to go visit my husband in Texas, where he is training. He is leaving next week Friday for work again and I won't be seeing him until November sometime. I am not sure when in November either, since he has to get 25 hours in the new plane he is training for first. What I am going to TRY to do is put baby-making out of my brain, and encourage him to not think about it either, and just have fun, relax, and enjoy the time I have before he leaves. (Even though, yes, it happens to be the week that I should be ovulating.)

After thinking it all through, in my last post, I have decided there is nothing to be blue about, we have plenty of time still to get pregnant and I don't need to put any pressure on myself or my husband to get this accomplished in the next few months. Having kids 3 to 5 years apart isn't the worse thing that could happen.

Today I also received news that the girlfriend who got pregnant after just one try had a miscarriage. (I think I mentioned her before.) Her first daughter is the same age as my first daughter, they are 3 days apart. I was a bit sad to hear she got pregnant right away (excited for her, but sad for me) and was hoping to be close behind her and have our next kids around the same time. It goes to show you, even if I do get pregnant there are no guarantees that everything will go perfectly well. I can't put so much pressure on myself that if I do get pregnant and then miscarry that I end up being miserable and horribly depressed about it. If I am already feeling blue every time my period comes around how much worse would I take it if I ended up miscarrying? Time to get it together and get back on track with my life.

Saturday, October 3, 2009

Chances came and went

So far 5 chances have come and gone for me to get pregnant. there are 7 more opportunities to get pregnant and have a baby by the time KD turns 3. Out of those 7 I have no idea when the hubs will be home to take advantage of them. And I was wondering, how long am I willing to try for a second baby?

I wanted my kids to be two years apart, and I was hoping three years apart would be the max separation between them. Also, I will be turning 35 next year, and they say if you get pregnant at that age its considered a high risk pregnancy. I was hoping to avoid that time. I know there are more tests, more invasive procedures and I really didn't want to have to go through those with the second pregnancy. And at this point I also am wondering if I will get pregnant again at all. I know I haven't tried as long as other people, that it takes most women 6 to 12 months to get pregnant. With my first it took us two tries. So I am probably prematurely freaking out. But the question of how long am I willing to try still remains.

Am I willing to be 36 and pregnant? Yes. How about 37 and pregnant? Sure. How about 38? Ummm now we are pushing it. Or how about 39 or 40 years old and pregnant? Definitely not! So that means I am willing to keep the possibility open (not get on the pill or talk my husband into a vasectomy) until I am around 36 1/2 to 37 years old. So I have another 2 1/2 years to get pregnant before shutting the baby factory down. And that means there would be a maximum possible age gap of 5 years between my kids. I guess that's not that bad. I know many people that have said that happened to them. The first came easily and the second they tried for five years before being successful.

I look at the future and calculate out things like: When will kid#2 be in Kindergarten? If my kids are 5 years apart then I would be 42 years old with a kid in Kindergarten and the other one in 3rd grade. Another calculation that is scary to look at is, how old will I be when KD is 13? I will be 45! And kid #2 will only be 8 years old (with the 5 year gap scenario). Another fun one is that when I am 50 then kid#2 will be 15! Wow... that one is scary. HAHA

One major reason for capping off the time I am willing to get pregnant is that I want to get back into Interior Design before I am too old to get a career off the ground and actually enjoy it! It also would be nice to be ready to open my own in home business and be there for my kids when they are teenagers. So I look at when the second kid will be in Kindergarten because that is when I can start working, at least part time, again. Being 40 years old and starting back into the design field would be preferable to being 42, but I guess having a second kid is important enough to me to be willing to wait two more years to start working again. And then I am looking at how long it may take me to pick things up again and be able to have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet and run my own personal Interior Design firm... So that I will be able to be home when they are in the crucial teenage years and really need their parents to watch out for them again and be there for them. All things that I am hoping to accomplish, yet am afraid it won't happen if I wait too long and get pregnant too late in life.

Its not that a career is the most important thing in life. But I barely got a chance to get that part of my life going. I did design work while I went to school to get my BA degree, and only had a year of experience as a Kitchen Designer under my belt once I was done with school and got pregnant with my first. But I was not willing to wait any longer to start a family, so I was happy to stop working to do that. I like being a stay-at-home-Mom. Being a SAHM is a privilege and and honor. But it is wearisome to be home all day, week in and week out. And to be a SAHM for the rest of my life isn't something that I was planning. What I am thinking is, if I have kid#2 too late then that is what will happen. I will have one kid, send her off to college and then waiting another decade for the other kid in the house to go off to college and by the time that all happens my husband will be ready to retire and my schooling will be so long ago that no one cares anymore, and my experience will be so dated that it won't cause any employer to be impressed, and I won't have enough contacts and experience to just swing open the doors of my own business and start getting clients. Is that my future? I am really hoping its not.

I guess with my "have second kid by age 38" plan then I will be 53 when the second one is off to college, will have at least 10 years of work experience back in the Interior Design field at that point. And who knows, perhaps within those 10 years I will have gained enough experience and been able to open my in home design studio, so I could be at home more during the kids' teen years. OR... I could at least work part time during those 10 years and be home by the time they are out of school. And once they are off to college then I could turn one of their bedrooms into my office and start my own business, with plenty of confidence and experience under my belt for people to feel they can trust me and hire me to do design work for them. Then I would have at least another 10+ years of a career as an Independent Interior Designer and be able to happily retire whenever I felt like it and enjoy the rest of my days as a Grandma (if the Lord blesses me and my husband with grandchildren). That sounds pretty good, actually. I hope it all turns out like that. That would be a dream come true for me. And who knows, perhaps one or both of my kids would like to go into business with me, once they are out of college, and it will be a family business? That would just take the cake!

Okay, so now I have talked myself out of stressing about just 5 chances and only 7 more before KD is 3 etc. I can chill out and wait for things to happen for a few years and then move on with my life with the one lovely and wonderful blessing of a child I already have. I just had to think it all out and show myself that I have plenty of time before I am too old to have it all. And wouldn't I just be the luckiest woman in the world if my dreams all did come true like that? And wouldn't I be just as lucky if they didn't happen like I just dreamed, and KD grew up to be a lovely young woman and I went back to work without having a second child? Either way you slice it I will count myself blessed. I have a wonderful, loving, hard working husband and a beautiful daughter, and a BA degree in Interior Design to take advantage of in the future. The world is my oyster, as the saying goes.

I just want to take a moment to thank the Lord for all His blessings, and I will trust Him to give me a second child or to withhold that blessing from my life. And I will wait on the Lord to give me even more than my heart can imagine in ways I could never dream. He knows what I need, and what is good for me to have. So I will trust in Him, to do as He has planned for me.