Saturday, October 3, 2009

Chances came and went

So far 5 chances have come and gone for me to get pregnant. there are 7 more opportunities to get pregnant and have a baby by the time KD turns 3. Out of those 7 I have no idea when the hubs will be home to take advantage of them. And I was wondering, how long am I willing to try for a second baby?

I wanted my kids to be two years apart, and I was hoping three years apart would be the max separation between them. Also, I will be turning 35 next year, and they say if you get pregnant at that age its considered a high risk pregnancy. I was hoping to avoid that time. I know there are more tests, more invasive procedures and I really didn't want to have to go through those with the second pregnancy. And at this point I also am wondering if I will get pregnant again at all. I know I haven't tried as long as other people, that it takes most women 6 to 12 months to get pregnant. With my first it took us two tries. So I am probably prematurely freaking out. But the question of how long am I willing to try still remains.

Am I willing to be 36 and pregnant? Yes. How about 37 and pregnant? Sure. How about 38? Ummm now we are pushing it. Or how about 39 or 40 years old and pregnant? Definitely not! So that means I am willing to keep the possibility open (not get on the pill or talk my husband into a vasectomy) until I am around 36 1/2 to 37 years old. So I have another 2 1/2 years to get pregnant before shutting the baby factory down. And that means there would be a maximum possible age gap of 5 years between my kids. I guess that's not that bad. I know many people that have said that happened to them. The first came easily and the second they tried for five years before being successful.

I look at the future and calculate out things like: When will kid#2 be in Kindergarten? If my kids are 5 years apart then I would be 42 years old with a kid in Kindergarten and the other one in 3rd grade. Another calculation that is scary to look at is, how old will I be when KD is 13? I will be 45! And kid #2 will only be 8 years old (with the 5 year gap scenario). Another fun one is that when I am 50 then kid#2 will be 15! Wow... that one is scary. HAHA

One major reason for capping off the time I am willing to get pregnant is that I want to get back into Interior Design before I am too old to get a career off the ground and actually enjoy it! It also would be nice to be ready to open my own in home business and be there for my kids when they are teenagers. So I look at when the second kid will be in Kindergarten because that is when I can start working, at least part time, again. Being 40 years old and starting back into the design field would be preferable to being 42, but I guess having a second kid is important enough to me to be willing to wait two more years to start working again. And then I am looking at how long it may take me to pick things up again and be able to have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet and run my own personal Interior Design firm... So that I will be able to be home when they are in the crucial teenage years and really need their parents to watch out for them again and be there for them. All things that I am hoping to accomplish, yet am afraid it won't happen if I wait too long and get pregnant too late in life.

Its not that a career is the most important thing in life. But I barely got a chance to get that part of my life going. I did design work while I went to school to get my BA degree, and only had a year of experience as a Kitchen Designer under my belt once I was done with school and got pregnant with my first. But I was not willing to wait any longer to start a family, so I was happy to stop working to do that. I like being a stay-at-home-Mom. Being a SAHM is a privilege and and honor. But it is wearisome to be home all day, week in and week out. And to be a SAHM for the rest of my life isn't something that I was planning. What I am thinking is, if I have kid#2 too late then that is what will happen. I will have one kid, send her off to college and then waiting another decade for the other kid in the house to go off to college and by the time that all happens my husband will be ready to retire and my schooling will be so long ago that no one cares anymore, and my experience will be so dated that it won't cause any employer to be impressed, and I won't have enough contacts and experience to just swing open the doors of my own business and start getting clients. Is that my future? I am really hoping its not.

I guess with my "have second kid by age 38" plan then I will be 53 when the second one is off to college, will have at least 10 years of work experience back in the Interior Design field at that point. And who knows, perhaps within those 10 years I will have gained enough experience and been able to open my in home design studio, so I could be at home more during the kids' teen years. OR... I could at least work part time during those 10 years and be home by the time they are out of school. And once they are off to college then I could turn one of their bedrooms into my office and start my own business, with plenty of confidence and experience under my belt for people to feel they can trust me and hire me to do design work for them. Then I would have at least another 10+ years of a career as an Independent Interior Designer and be able to happily retire whenever I felt like it and enjoy the rest of my days as a Grandma (if the Lord blesses me and my husband with grandchildren). That sounds pretty good, actually. I hope it all turns out like that. That would be a dream come true for me. And who knows, perhaps one or both of my kids would like to go into business with me, once they are out of college, and it will be a family business? That would just take the cake!

Okay, so now I have talked myself out of stressing about just 5 chances and only 7 more before KD is 3 etc. I can chill out and wait for things to happen for a few years and then move on with my life with the one lovely and wonderful blessing of a child I already have. I just had to think it all out and show myself that I have plenty of time before I am too old to have it all. And wouldn't I just be the luckiest woman in the world if my dreams all did come true like that? And wouldn't I be just as lucky if they didn't happen like I just dreamed, and KD grew up to be a lovely young woman and I went back to work without having a second child? Either way you slice it I will count myself blessed. I have a wonderful, loving, hard working husband and a beautiful daughter, and a BA degree in Interior Design to take advantage of in the future. The world is my oyster, as the saying goes.

I just want to take a moment to thank the Lord for all His blessings, and I will trust Him to give me a second child or to withhold that blessing from my life. And I will wait on the Lord to give me even more than my heart can imagine in ways I could never dream. He knows what I need, and what is good for me to have. So I will trust in Him, to do as He has planned for me.

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