Wednesday, October 7, 2009

Anxiety about breaking bad news

I have been really emotional lately, partly because we are trying to get pregnant. I think the other part of the equation is that I may be telling my Aunt the bad news about my Mom, her sister, soon. She doesn't know yet that my Mom passed away in July. And here we are in October already.

I haven't seen my Aunt since she got her halo-brace removed, a few weeks ago, and since she has been able to talk again. She recently got her trachea tube removed and now can talk and not just mouth words, that I can't read half the time. The last three times I saw her she was asleep and if she opened her eyes it wasn't for long, and I don't think she realized I was there. So I am excited to see her now that she is more awake and aware of what happened and where she is. She is also walking using a walker and with assistance from nurses! I can't wait to see her! I am so happy she has turned the corner and isn't at the doorstep of death anymore. She had so many close calls that sometimes I really thought she was going to die.

But when I go see her she may ask me about my Mom. She already asked about her when talking to her husband, and he said she wanted to visit but wasn't able to get a ride. I don't want to lie to her, but I understand why he doesn't want her to know the bad news yet, he is afraid she isn't strong enough for the news yet. I can tell her, if she even asks, that my Mom isn't able to come visit. And if she asks why then I may try, "Don't worry about her, she wants you to get better and loves you." And if that doesn't do the job to deflect the questions I may end up telling her that her sister has passed away and that is why she hasn't seen her. I know eventually this is going to happen, and I don't want to lie to her because I don't want her to be angry at us for keeping this from her. Its hard to know what to do in this situation. I guess if she presses and demands to know why my Mom can't come see her she may be strong enough to get the truth.

The other part of my anxiety lately is not only about potentially telling my Aunt but knowing how hard she is going to take it and how hard its going to be to see her cry. I think its going to make me relive the experience a bit again, and that will be hard for me as well. But I really want to be there whenever she gets the news because I want to be able to hug her and hold her hand and cry with her and talk about it. Since my Mom, my Aunt, and I were all so close to each other I feel that it will be important for her to have me as a support to get through the grief. We took many vacations together and they were both there when my daughter was born. When my parents divorced I chose to live with my Mom (while my brothers chose to live with my Dad) and my Aunt often came over to read the Bible to my Mom and pray for her, and she was there for me when my Mom (who was Manic Depressive) ended up in the mental hospital a couple times. I would stay at my Aunt's house and she would make sure I got to school and would take care of me until my Mom was out of the hospital again. I guess she is like a second Mom to me, and also kind of like a sister to me as well. She is just the best Auntie a girl could ever wish for and I love her to pieces, I would literally die for her and trade places with her in a second to give her relief from this whole painful process. I love her that much. She means to world to me! And with my Mom gone I am really glad that she is recovering and that I won't be losing her too.

I am planning, at this time, to drive out to see her Friday. It will take about 45 minutes to get there with no traffic, which I hope to avoid by leaving at 10am. And I have a friend that is able to watch KD so I don't have to take her to the hospital and expose her to possible diseases. She hasn't gotten her flu shot yet and I don't want KD to be getting sick. And I have left messages for my Uncle, my Cousin, and my Mother-in-law about going with me. If I can have someone there to help me with all this that would be great. But I feel that I really need to see my Aunt no matter what, even if I have to see her alone. Its been too long and I haven't seen her since she has made progress.

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