I was so excited when we had our next chance to try to get pregnant. Now that the window of opportunity has passed and its waiting time I have the blues. Such a let down once you know all your efforts don't count after the ovulation window has closed. Now all I want to do is sleep and hope that the next time I wake up two weeks have passed so I will know if I am pregnant or not. I hate waiting.
I think part of the blues is knowing that there is nothing else we can do at this point to get pregnant and not wanting to get my hopes up and be too excited that maybe THIS time was the time that worked. If I get too excited about it and my period comes then I will not just feel the blues I will be depressed, and I don't want that to happen.
Right now my weight is oscillating between 148 and 150 lbs, and I am trying to just work out at a low level to not over stress my body and to maintain my weight, not focus on losing any more weight. I keep telling myself, "If you aren't pregnant you will have another month to work on the next few pounds while the hubs is away, and if you are pregnant then your weight is just fine where it is." My tummy is pretty flat, at least in the morning when I first wake up. By the end of the day, of course, its a bit more bloated looking due to eating and being hydrated. But that doesn't bother me. I know that I am skinnier than I have been in a long time and that I am more fit than the last time I weighed 149 lbs. I have more muscle, I have more stamina, and I am sure my metabolism is functioning much better due to the regular exercise.
I guess the exercise and focusing on losing weight is more of a way to get my mind off trying to conceive, and right now I don't have that crutch. Its a bit aggravating and makes me want to crawl in bed, and then just stay in bed. I also want to eat, but I know that won't make me feel better. If I am not pregnant and I gained 5 lbs while waiting to find out I will be very upset with myself. Ice cream is not the answer for me right now. I try to talk to JD about my blues and how I feel, but there isn't that much to say and not much we can do about it. I suppose my focus on just maintaining my weight at 148-149 lbs will have suffice for now. It does take work to keep the pounds off, just as it takes work to get rid of it. But I really don't want to do much working out at all these past few days. I am lucky if I get in a 45 min walk (doing Leslie Sansone's 3 mile "Walk Away" dvd in my living room). I would do the more challenging DVD workouts but I am 1. not in the mood and 2. don't want to hurt my chances of getting pregnant. If I work out too hard I am not sure if that is going to hurt the chance of that little egg of latching onto my uterine wall... even if the books and my internet research says it won't hurt my chances. I just don't want to hurt any chances of this working this time and wonder, "hmmm If only I didn't do those crunches or so many jumping jacks..." or whatever. I want to have no regrets and feel like I did everything in my power to get pregnant this time.
What I am dreading is if this cycle turns out to be a 24 day cycle and not the 28 day cycle I was hoping for. If it is only 24 days I am going to be really bummed because JD won't be here for the chance to try during a 28 day cycle (which I figured would either be this month or the next one). If It is a 28 day cycle and I am not pregnant at least I know its not the length of the cycles that is causing us to not be able to get pregnant again. And then I can take all my data to my Doctor and let him know what has been going on, see if he can pin point any reason or if we are doing everything right.
So, here I am... waiting waiting waiting. Ughhhh I hate waiting! I am going to go take a nap now.