My blogging has stopped being about my life as a stay at home mom, and a pilot's wife. My husband use to work in the Middle East for 5 weeks at at time, and was home for 4 weeks before he went back. When I started this blog I was new to being a mother and new to being at home full time. Now I have two kids, AD is 4, and KD is almost 7. And my husband is home pretty much every night with his new job. So, I feel like life is pretty normal... my husband just happens to be a pilot! :) I also work full time now.
I started running in 2011, and then this blog turned into a running blog. And then I was posting thoughts from a Christian perspective, as I learned lessons during my runs, and through the grieving of my brother and my mother. (Those stories are still on this blog, July 2009 and July 2011. But I moved the running focused stories to the other blog.)
So... I have moved. If you still wish to read what I have to say about life, running, my faith, grief etc. you can visit me at my I Am Only Half Crazy blog.
If you want to read about life as a SAHM, and a being a Pilot's wife please feel free to browse around. I will keep it up. It may still help others to have these stories posted somewhere.
And thank you, to those of you who have followed me on this journey.
Take care! God bless!
-Anna
Wednesday, September 17, 2014
Tuesday, September 17, 2013
News from June
My last post I mentioned that we were waiting for JD to finally start his new job. As of June 15, 2013 the company that hired him back in November 2012 finally got off the ground (quite literally). We were both so very happy! He hadn't worked since October 2011. We had enough money saved to glide through 5 months. The following months we lived mostly on the line of credit we had left on our credit cards, and then after those were maxed out we lived on the kindness of family and friends and our church family as they offered us money to pay our mortgage, our bills, and for food. In January 2013 I finally took a part time job to try and plug up the rupturing artery of our finances. Of course part time at $10.50 per hour wasn't going to do much, but at least it helped buy food and gas for the car. We still had to get help with the bills and the mortgage. Its amazing we didn't lose our house! In fact, in November 2012 we started to ask our bank for assistance in modifying our home loan. That effort failed after several attempts and at this point we have given up trying anymore.
After almost a year at the part time, $10.50 per hour, job I looked for a full time job with better pay. I was hoping to be moved into a full time position at that job, but when a spot opened up that I was qualified for the store manager transferred a buddy of his to the store and gave her that position I wanted. So, I decided not to wait around anymore. I found another part time job, but with better pay and a promise from my new boss that she would never work me less than 29 hours per week. (My current job was in the midst of a change to make all part time positions only 22 hours per week.) She also said that a full time spot would be opening up soon. After only a couple months at that new job I was made full time. I was greatly relieved to have finally achieved full time. That was in May 2013, and then finally June 2013 my husband found out his job would be starting. The light at the end of the tunnel finally was headed our way.
JD found great satisfaction and joy working for his new company, something he rarely had in past jobs. I was envious of him. My workplace was stressful and a lot of favoritism was rampant in that job, just as it was in my previous job. Again I was overlooked for a position because a buddy of the manager was promoted over me (the woman who hired me quit due to this new manager's treatment of her). This person was not qualified for the job, I pushed against the decision and was pegged as a "drama" maker. I just wanted the person to be evaluated on merit, education and experience. I didn't even care if I was the one who got the job. I mainly wanted someone qualified to do the job, even if it wasn't me they chose. Even after I gave up pushing for this to be looked into I was being targeted by the store manager and this new, unqualified, department manager over me. I was very stressed, so stressed I lost 7 pounds in two months! Not that I mind losing the weight, but it kind of freaked me out that I had lost so much so quickly without dieting or exercising. The only thing I have been doing is running one to two times per week. I had to stop boot camp because of the financial cost. I was eating junk food even, and I still lost weight.
I started sending out resumes, 1 to 4 per day. One day I was so stressed out and so upset that I sent 16 out in one day! I was desperate to get out of there! But on the other hand I wanted to go to a place where I would be happy and would stay for a while. So, even though I was desperate I wanted to be smart about where I applied and where I would finally choose to work. I got one interview, and I didn't get the job, but I didn't think I wanted to work there anyways. So, that worked out in the end. I got calls and emails for sales positions in areas outside of my field, and I wasn't interested. I finally got an interview with a company that has a stellar reputation and I was excited. It was for a VERY entry level position, and even the manager asked me why I would want to take a step back in my career like that. For me it was a no brainer, they pay better, the hours are better, I would have weekends off, the company has a great reputation in the Interior Design Industry (I have a BA degree in Interior Design), the employees have stayed around for decades (which speaks volumes), and I know that opportunities for advancement would be there for many years to come. I wouldn't be stuck in the entry level position forever, and besides that I didn't mind working my way from the bottom up. I enjoy working hard and being part of a team environment and helping the company and people I work with thrive and be successful. No job is too small. Change a light bulb? No problem. Cut tile for samples? No problem. Make coffee for clients? No problem. Nothing they said the job would entail scared me off or made me feel like it was beneath me.
I started my new job on September 3, 2013. Its only been two weeks and I am already loving it here! I believe that I will be happy at my new place for many years to come. No more job hopping because of poor management and favoritism. I believe I will be promoted based on hard work, experience and knowledge. I am making $475 more per month at my new job, and I will do whatever they want me to do for that kind of raise!! Haha... I really don't have any issues with manual labor. I am exhausted at the end of my day, but that is good. I am busy, never bored, and maybe burning a few calories while I am running around. Bonus! Nothing I am doing is overly difficult to do. So its kind of fun! I think I need to take advantage of that aspect, because If I get promoted one day that may not be there so much (the "easy" part). I told my new bosses in the interview that if I decided to take the job that I decided I won't be bothering them to promote me, as long as I am being paid fairly and I enjoy my workplace I will stick around until there is a place to promote me into. Until then I will be content, even if it is an entry level position. I told them this because the previous gal they hired quit after 90 days and they said they do not want to hire anyone that won't stick around for at least a couple years.
A lot of drama at my old job I have spared you by not blogging about it... I don't even want to write about it. It is over. I vented to my husband and my friends and I got through it. I am glad I am in a better situation, my husband is employed, my MIL watches the kids when we both work, and our financial situation should be turning around very soon. Praise the Lord!
After almost a year at the part time, $10.50 per hour, job I looked for a full time job with better pay. I was hoping to be moved into a full time position at that job, but when a spot opened up that I was qualified for the store manager transferred a buddy of his to the store and gave her that position I wanted. So, I decided not to wait around anymore. I found another part time job, but with better pay and a promise from my new boss that she would never work me less than 29 hours per week. (My current job was in the midst of a change to make all part time positions only 22 hours per week.) She also said that a full time spot would be opening up soon. After only a couple months at that new job I was made full time. I was greatly relieved to have finally achieved full time. That was in May 2013, and then finally June 2013 my husband found out his job would be starting. The light at the end of the tunnel finally was headed our way.
JD found great satisfaction and joy working for his new company, something he rarely had in past jobs. I was envious of him. My workplace was stressful and a lot of favoritism was rampant in that job, just as it was in my previous job. Again I was overlooked for a position because a buddy of the manager was promoted over me (the woman who hired me quit due to this new manager's treatment of her). This person was not qualified for the job, I pushed against the decision and was pegged as a "drama" maker. I just wanted the person to be evaluated on merit, education and experience. I didn't even care if I was the one who got the job. I mainly wanted someone qualified to do the job, even if it wasn't me they chose. Even after I gave up pushing for this to be looked into I was being targeted by the store manager and this new, unqualified, department manager over me. I was very stressed, so stressed I lost 7 pounds in two months! Not that I mind losing the weight, but it kind of freaked me out that I had lost so much so quickly without dieting or exercising. The only thing I have been doing is running one to two times per week. I had to stop boot camp because of the financial cost. I was eating junk food even, and I still lost weight.
I started sending out resumes, 1 to 4 per day. One day I was so stressed out and so upset that I sent 16 out in one day! I was desperate to get out of there! But on the other hand I wanted to go to a place where I would be happy and would stay for a while. So, even though I was desperate I wanted to be smart about where I applied and where I would finally choose to work. I got one interview, and I didn't get the job, but I didn't think I wanted to work there anyways. So, that worked out in the end. I got calls and emails for sales positions in areas outside of my field, and I wasn't interested. I finally got an interview with a company that has a stellar reputation and I was excited. It was for a VERY entry level position, and even the manager asked me why I would want to take a step back in my career like that. For me it was a no brainer, they pay better, the hours are better, I would have weekends off, the company has a great reputation in the Interior Design Industry (I have a BA degree in Interior Design), the employees have stayed around for decades (which speaks volumes), and I know that opportunities for advancement would be there for many years to come. I wouldn't be stuck in the entry level position forever, and besides that I didn't mind working my way from the bottom up. I enjoy working hard and being part of a team environment and helping the company and people I work with thrive and be successful. No job is too small. Change a light bulb? No problem. Cut tile for samples? No problem. Make coffee for clients? No problem. Nothing they said the job would entail scared me off or made me feel like it was beneath me.
I started my new job on September 3, 2013. Its only been two weeks and I am already loving it here! I believe that I will be happy at my new place for many years to come. No more job hopping because of poor management and favoritism. I believe I will be promoted based on hard work, experience and knowledge. I am making $475 more per month at my new job, and I will do whatever they want me to do for that kind of raise!! Haha... I really don't have any issues with manual labor. I am exhausted at the end of my day, but that is good. I am busy, never bored, and maybe burning a few calories while I am running around. Bonus! Nothing I am doing is overly difficult to do. So its kind of fun! I think I need to take advantage of that aspect, because If I get promoted one day that may not be there so much (the "easy" part). I told my new bosses in the interview that if I decided to take the job that I decided I won't be bothering them to promote me, as long as I am being paid fairly and I enjoy my workplace I will stick around until there is a place to promote me into. Until then I will be content, even if it is an entry level position. I told them this because the previous gal they hired quit after 90 days and they said they do not want to hire anyone that won't stick around for at least a couple years.
A lot of drama at my old job I have spared you by not blogging about it... I don't even want to write about it. It is over. I vented to my husband and my friends and I got through it. I am glad I am in a better situation, my husband is employed, my MIL watches the kids when we both work, and our financial situation should be turning around very soon. Praise the Lord!
Friday, February 22, 2013
A newer new job... for me
JD still doesn't have a job... Well, he has a job offer that he accepted, but he isn't getting paid yet. The company is a new start up commuter airline and they are waiting for the FAA to approve their certificate. This may take some time. JD took the job offer in November and we are still waiting for a training date. In the mean time I left my job at Home Depot for a better paying job at a place called Floor and Decor. I am a design consultant and am back in my realm as an interior designer. Although its not full remodeling, I get to help people put together ideas for bathroom tile designs, flooring for the whole house, and backsplash designs for the kitchen. The store is all hard surface flooring products, nothing else. It feels good to be in a position that allows me to use my creative talents.
Although my new job pays better it doesn't pay all the bills. We have been relying on financial gifts from friends and family, and right now we are able to use our tax refund to take care of our current house mortgage payment and some bills. I am really hoping that JD's job will start in the next 60 days. He does have another potential job in the near future working for his Dad, but that is a new start up company as well. In fact, we are thinking his Dad's new business and the flying job will end up starting up at the same time. So he will have two jobs to choose from!
In other news my brother's wife, the brother who passed away from cancer, she passed away just before Christmas from the SAME type of cancer he died from! Talk about a weird coincidence. I am really sad to see her go. She was such a sweet lady. I never got to meet up with her again after Paul died, and my daughter KD was really looking forward to hanging out with her Auntie Ruth again. She lived up in Northern California, so we never had the time to get up there to see her. She had told us a couple times she was coming down to Southern California to visit her son, but then we never saw her. I wonder if it was hard for her to keep in communication with me due to the fact that I was her deceased husband's sister. Maybe I reminded her of him too much or something. I am sad I didn't get to hang out with her again before she died.
Also, just a few months before Ruth passed away my Step Mother passed away. I didn't always get along with her, but she meant a lot to my Dad and I really feel for him. I know he misses her greatly and there is a hole in his heart right now. After my Step Mother dying and then Ruth dying I am done with family members dying! Good grief! I wonder some times, "Who's next?!" I hope this is the end of it for a while. I don't think I could take anymore!
For more positive news I just recently finished my third 1/2 marathon! February 2013 I ran the third one and got my "Beach Cities Challenge" medal. You have to run the OC 1/2, the Long Beach 1/2, and the Surf City 1/2 consecutively to qualify. I was sick for two weeks before this last race so I hadn't been running, and after mile 6 my right knee started hurting and I had to walk until mile 9. Then I started slowly jogging again and ran all the way straight to the end, mile 13.1! It took me 3 hours this time, it took me 2 hrs 28 min the previous two times. But I was just happy to complete the race and finish the challenge! Now I am dreaming about running a FULL marathon!! I started up a running day on Thursdays and am recruiting other women to run with me and prepare for either a full or half marathon too. I joined two women's running clubs and am talking to all my girlfriends who run at all on their own, hoping to make a nice sized running group out of them. It would be nice to have friends to train with. I trained for all my 1/2 marathons pretty much all on my own. Only occasionally did I have someone to run with.
My goal is to run a full marathon this time next year, at the Surf City Marathon in February 2014. I figured that would be long enough to work up my mileage and get use to running 18 miles (gulp!)... or even 20! A full marathon is 26.2 miles long, but you generally only work your way up to 18 or 20 miles at most before the big event. I hear the last 6 miles are the most difficult. I bet!! I feel like I am crazy for wanting to even try, but it feels good to go for a goal that is so big. I know I will feel awesome once I conquer it! And I think my brother Paul would be amazed and proud of me that I did that. I think he is already proud of me for finishing the Beach Cities Challenge. (I never was much of an athlete or very sporty while he was alive. Paul was a rock climber, a very intense rock climber.)
I would like to actually complete the Beach Cities Challenge again. I would start with the Long Beach 1/2, do the Surf City full, and end with the OC 1/2 in 2014. As long as Jason gets a job by this summer I can do it. It takes money to sign up for those events, and right now I don't have the money to pay for them. I got friends to sponsor the last two 1/2 marathons, so I didn't have to pay for them. That was awesome of them to help me out like that. When I do my full I want to ask people to sponsor me by donating to the Stand Up to Cancer foundation and dedicate my run to Paul. I think that would be cool. Especially if I got a good sized group to run with me and we all raised money for the foundation and ran in his honor. Wouldn't that be awesome?
Well, that's my long over due update for now. I hope to share more often in the future. Take care!
Although my new job pays better it doesn't pay all the bills. We have been relying on financial gifts from friends and family, and right now we are able to use our tax refund to take care of our current house mortgage payment and some bills. I am really hoping that JD's job will start in the next 60 days. He does have another potential job in the near future working for his Dad, but that is a new start up company as well. In fact, we are thinking his Dad's new business and the flying job will end up starting up at the same time. So he will have two jobs to choose from!
In other news my brother's wife, the brother who passed away from cancer, she passed away just before Christmas from the SAME type of cancer he died from! Talk about a weird coincidence. I am really sad to see her go. She was such a sweet lady. I never got to meet up with her again after Paul died, and my daughter KD was really looking forward to hanging out with her Auntie Ruth again. She lived up in Northern California, so we never had the time to get up there to see her. She had told us a couple times she was coming down to Southern California to visit her son, but then we never saw her. I wonder if it was hard for her to keep in communication with me due to the fact that I was her deceased husband's sister. Maybe I reminded her of him too much or something. I am sad I didn't get to hang out with her again before she died.
Also, just a few months before Ruth passed away my Step Mother passed away. I didn't always get along with her, but she meant a lot to my Dad and I really feel for him. I know he misses her greatly and there is a hole in his heart right now. After my Step Mother dying and then Ruth dying I am done with family members dying! Good grief! I wonder some times, "Who's next?!" I hope this is the end of it for a while. I don't think I could take anymore!
For more positive news I just recently finished my third 1/2 marathon! February 2013 I ran the third one and got my "Beach Cities Challenge" medal. You have to run the OC 1/2, the Long Beach 1/2, and the Surf City 1/2 consecutively to qualify. I was sick for two weeks before this last race so I hadn't been running, and after mile 6 my right knee started hurting and I had to walk until mile 9. Then I started slowly jogging again and ran all the way straight to the end, mile 13.1! It took me 3 hours this time, it took me 2 hrs 28 min the previous two times. But I was just happy to complete the race and finish the challenge! Now I am dreaming about running a FULL marathon!! I started up a running day on Thursdays and am recruiting other women to run with me and prepare for either a full or half marathon too. I joined two women's running clubs and am talking to all my girlfriends who run at all on their own, hoping to make a nice sized running group out of them. It would be nice to have friends to train with. I trained for all my 1/2 marathons pretty much all on my own. Only occasionally did I have someone to run with.
My goal is to run a full marathon this time next year, at the Surf City Marathon in February 2014. I figured that would be long enough to work up my mileage and get use to running 18 miles (gulp!)... or even 20! A full marathon is 26.2 miles long, but you generally only work your way up to 18 or 20 miles at most before the big event. I hear the last 6 miles are the most difficult. I bet!! I feel like I am crazy for wanting to even try, but it feels good to go for a goal that is so big. I know I will feel awesome once I conquer it! And I think my brother Paul would be amazed and proud of me that I did that. I think he is already proud of me for finishing the Beach Cities Challenge. (I never was much of an athlete or very sporty while he was alive. Paul was a rock climber, a very intense rock climber.)
I would like to actually complete the Beach Cities Challenge again. I would start with the Long Beach 1/2, do the Surf City full, and end with the OC 1/2 in 2014. As long as Jason gets a job by this summer I can do it. It takes money to sign up for those events, and right now I don't have the money to pay for them. I got friends to sponsor the last two 1/2 marathons, so I didn't have to pay for them. That was awesome of them to help me out like that. When I do my full I want to ask people to sponsor me by donating to the Stand Up to Cancer foundation and dedicate my run to Paul. I think that would be cool. Especially if I got a good sized group to run with me and we all raised money for the foundation and ran in his honor. Wouldn't that be awesome?
Well, that's my long over due update for now. I hope to share more often in the future. Take care!
Wednesday, June 27, 2012
More Job Drama
Since my last post I got a part time job at Home Depot. So I have been a little too busy to write. JD is still looking for a job, any job, any where in the USA. Yes, he is still looking for a flying job, but we aren't ruling out jobs outside his profession. Unfortunately no one wants to hire a pilot to bag groceries or do data entry. On the bright side I have a job.
I use to work at Home Depot, so I am just going back to what I did before. I am going to be going full time soon. I started 3 months ago thinking that part time would be all I want to do or all I would be able to do. But since JD is still out of a job I think going full time would be good for us. I enjoy working again, but I don't enjoy being away from my family. And the extra time off that I have from work I have a lot to do, so even my time off I don't see my family that much.
Right now I am working on a mural at my church for the preschool room. When I have a day off I go work out at my boot camp and then I go to the church and paint until dinner. JD and the kids come bring me lunch and hang out for a couple hours until nap time. Sometimes I go paint after lunch, but then I lose some valuable time that I need to put in on the mural.
JD does have a prospect for a job, he is on the top of the list. But if he gets the job we will be moving out of state. That will be interesting. We shall see what happens. I am not sure I am ready to leave the cushy lifestyle of Orange County California. I must admit I am spoiled living here. I have my boot camp, my half marathons (I finished my first half marathon May 6th and I want to do more). I have my family, friends, church, and my job. Not to mention all the restaurants and things around here to do... including the beach and the mountains only a short distance away. Not to mention good weather 345 days out of the year, pretty much.
But, as I said, we shall see... you never know what God has up his sleave.
I use to work at Home Depot, so I am just going back to what I did before. I am going to be going full time soon. I started 3 months ago thinking that part time would be all I want to do or all I would be able to do. But since JD is still out of a job I think going full time would be good for us. I enjoy working again, but I don't enjoy being away from my family. And the extra time off that I have from work I have a lot to do, so even my time off I don't see my family that much.
Right now I am working on a mural at my church for the preschool room. When I have a day off I go work out at my boot camp and then I go to the church and paint until dinner. JD and the kids come bring me lunch and hang out for a couple hours until nap time. Sometimes I go paint after lunch, but then I lose some valuable time that I need to put in on the mural.
JD does have a prospect for a job, he is on the top of the list. But if he gets the job we will be moving out of state. That will be interesting. We shall see what happens. I am not sure I am ready to leave the cushy lifestyle of Orange County California. I must admit I am spoiled living here. I have my boot camp, my half marathons (I finished my first half marathon May 6th and I want to do more). I have my family, friends, church, and my job. Not to mention all the restaurants and things around here to do... including the beach and the mountains only a short distance away. Not to mention good weather 345 days out of the year, pretty much.
But, as I said, we shall see... you never know what God has up his sleave.
Monday, February 27, 2012
New Job
JD didn't end up putting out the money for training. We both ended up feeling uncomfortable with going into debt for a job that we weren't even sure he would get much flying out of. The work could be good or it could be sparse. Not knowing for sure made it hard to commit to our previous decsion to do the training.
JD now has a job offer for a charter company. He is going to do an interview with them and go from there. The biggest down side is that there are no health benefits and I need the coverage. So I will be applying for a part time job that has benefits. I would rather not work, but if I have to work I would rather it be part time than full. With this new job JD would be making enough that I only need to work part time, praise God.
So here we are on the cusp of another chapter in our life and careers. I will update you again once things are finalized. I am just happy he finally has a job offer that is in the states and pays well enough.
JD now has a job offer for a charter company. He is going to do an interview with them and go from there. The biggest down side is that there are no health benefits and I need the coverage. So I will be applying for a part time job that has benefits. I would rather not work, but if I have to work I would rather it be part time than full. With this new job JD would be making enough that I only need to work part time, praise God.
So here we are on the cusp of another chapter in our life and careers. I will update you again once things are finalized. I am just happy he finally has a job offer that is in the states and pays well enough.
Thursday, January 12, 2012
Hello Again
I don't know if anyone will start reading my blog again, but I figured I would try to update everyone and keep posting at least once a month.
My husband is about to go to training and pay thousands of dollars out his own pocket to get current on his certificates for certain planes. He is doing this in hopes that a company he applied to work for can use him for flights. This company gets calls from people with private planes than need a pilot to fly for them for a few days, or whatever the need is, and then the company calls pilots from a database they have. JD would be in their database and would hopefully get enough calls to merit paying for his own training. We are putting his training on a 0% interest credit card and we are hoping he gets to fly 12 to 15 days a month. Then he will be able to support our household and make monthly payments towards the training bill.
I didn't end up going to work part time after all. JD didn't want me to start doing that until we absolutely needed me to. For the past few months we have been living off his end of service pay. As of February that runs out, however, so hopefully this new gig will pan out for us. Or he will have to go with plan B and call a friend of the family that owns a car dealership and see if he can work for him. That would be quite a change!
Its been nice having JD home full time for the past few months. I am not looking forward to having to go days without him. I wish he could find a job that brings him home every night for dinner and to put the kids to bed. He has been cooking dinner for us all every night, he says he enjoys doing that. So now I've been spoiled and don't look forward to handling that on my own. I don't cook hot meals for myself when he is gone. The kids don't eat what we eat, they eat chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese... so I usually make a salad or a sandwich or a frozen lean cuisine dinner for myself. Not exactly exciting stuff.
Oh well, I guess my perfect life bubble is about to end soon. I am not happy about it. But that is life. Someone has to work to have a house and feed the family. And someone needs to watch the kids and take care of them. Just have to suck it up and dig in my heals. I've done it before... for 35 days at a time, I can do it again. Hopefully this time it will only be a couple days or a week or two max at a time.
My husband is about to go to training and pay thousands of dollars out his own pocket to get current on his certificates for certain planes. He is doing this in hopes that a company he applied to work for can use him for flights. This company gets calls from people with private planes than need a pilot to fly for them for a few days, or whatever the need is, and then the company calls pilots from a database they have. JD would be in their database and would hopefully get enough calls to merit paying for his own training. We are putting his training on a 0% interest credit card and we are hoping he gets to fly 12 to 15 days a month. Then he will be able to support our household and make monthly payments towards the training bill.
I didn't end up going to work part time after all. JD didn't want me to start doing that until we absolutely needed me to. For the past few months we have been living off his end of service pay. As of February that runs out, however, so hopefully this new gig will pan out for us. Or he will have to go with plan B and call a friend of the family that owns a car dealership and see if he can work for him. That would be quite a change!
Its been nice having JD home full time for the past few months. I am not looking forward to having to go days without him. I wish he could find a job that brings him home every night for dinner and to put the kids to bed. He has been cooking dinner for us all every night, he says he enjoys doing that. So now I've been spoiled and don't look forward to handling that on my own. I don't cook hot meals for myself when he is gone. The kids don't eat what we eat, they eat chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese... so I usually make a salad or a sandwich or a frozen lean cuisine dinner for myself. Not exactly exciting stuff.
Oh well, I guess my perfect life bubble is about to end soon. I am not happy about it. But that is life. Someone has to work to have a house and feed the family. And someone needs to watch the kids and take care of them. Just have to suck it up and dig in my heals. I've done it before... for 35 days at a time, I can do it again. Hopefully this time it will only be a couple days or a week or two max at a time.
Wednesday, September 28, 2011
Changes... BIG changes
My husband is going to be quitting his job soon... in about a week. That means he may no longer be a pilot. He is open to doing other jobs and being home more. He may fly here and there some as a contractor pilot, but we don't know for sure if that's going to open up for him as an opportunity. We are going out on a leap of faith that he will find a new job before his end of service pay runs out, and that will be in about four months.
The last time he was home I had wanted him to quit, but then he couldn't find a new job to transition over to. My husband made the point that at least he had a job and it pays well. I agreed that quitting seemed irrational and not the prudent thing to do. So I let him go back to work for 5 weeks... again. Then during this rotation he informed me he would only be home for 3 weeks when he got back and then gone again for 6 weeks because he would be going to recurrent training the week before his work rotation started again. I just didn't see how I could handle 6 weeks, especially after only getting him home for 3 in stead of 4 weeks. My ability to hold it together while he is gone is dwindling. I am lonely and depressed. I miss my husband, I don't like being alone at night while the kids are sleeping. I miss having him around. I am depressed by the daily routine of kids: wake them up, feed them, play with them or take the older one to school, feed them, give them a nap, wake them up, take them to lessons or on errands, feed them, bath time, book time, bed time REPEAT. The routine depresses me, I don't like it.
It hasn't always been this way for me but over this past year it seems every rotation my husband leaves it gets worse. And I kind of feel bad for doing this... but I told him that sometimes I think, "How can I get out of this? Where could I go?" Because sometimes I feel like running away from my life. I'm not really going to leave my children or my husband, its just a feeling. But again, you never know where the breaking point is and perhaps I am capable of doing something like that. I, of course, want to take action before that point comes. And having my husband come home and not work for 5 or 6 weeks at a time is part of taking that action.
When my husband heard my musings it concerned him. I don't blame him. I made it seem like I was leaving him. He said he didn't want to lose me to another man and he didn't want to lose his family. So that did make him decide pretty quickly that he needed to quit. I told him a few times that I wasn't actually going to leave him for another man. He said he knows that. But I sure did scare the guy! Poor guy. Either way, he needs to come home and not leave me alone anymore. I am too lonely for that to keep happening. I need my husband.
When my husband heard my musings it concerned him. I don't blame him. I made it seem like I was leaving him. He said he didn't want to lose me to another man and he didn't want to lose his family. So that did make him decide pretty quickly that he needed to quit. I told him a few times that I wasn't actually going to leave him for another man. He said he knows that. But I sure did scare the guy! Poor guy. Either way, he needs to come home and not leave me alone anymore. I am too lonely for that to keep happening. I need my husband.
It will be stressful for us to have to look for jobs. I am going to have to work part time and he is going to have to figure out how to make ends meet with a lesser paying job. We do have high hopes that his Dad will be starting up a business soon. JD's Dad has been trying to get funding for his business for a while now, it seems like he is almost there... but we still don't have the actual money to say it's a done deal and to rely on. Once the money comes then JD will be hired to work for his Dad and we will be fine financially. But, in the mean time... as we wait for JD's Dad's business to start up, we both will need to find work.
So, I guess this means I may not be a pilot's wife anymore. But that is fine with me. And JD is ready to be done too. He has been stressed out with this job for more than a year now. It's wearing on him too. The time away from his family, living out of hotels and no home cooked meals, away from his friends and all comforts of American living. Then there is the way his company runs things, not good. Sometimes you can put up with all those things I listed when you work for a great company that treats you well. That is not the case here.
So, I guess wish us luck and say a prayer. This is going to be interesting.
Tuesday, August 9, 2011
July 29, 2011
July 13th my brother Paul called me to say happy birthday. I was shocked and honored that he made the effort to call me when he was in so much pain and on so many drugs he could hardly stay awake. He said he wanted to see me and the family again. He even said he wanted to come out my way for a visit. I thought for sure that was never going to happen, but I assured him JD and I were planning on a trip out to see him early August.
July 20th was my brother Nathan's birthday and Paul did the same thing, he said he wanted to see him again. This prompted Nathan to hop on a plane right away and visit him the following week. I wish I could have done the same but JD was far away flying and wouldn't be home until August 2nd. My Dad was already out there to stay with Paul and his now wife, Ruth (another great story I should tell soon). Dad planned to stay there until Paul's final day. At this point no one knew how far off or close that day was.
July 29th My Dad told me the hospice nurse said Paul had maybe 24 - 48 hours to live and Nathan's plane was due to land that evening. He wasn't sure Nathan would even make it to see Paul, his breath was labored and shallow. I again wished I could hop on a plane to see Paul right away but I wasn't sure if I would even make it in time to see him if I did that and I couldn't think of who could watch my kids, since the in-laws were busy for the next two days.
3pm July 29th I said, "Screw it... I'm going." This was after a neighbor of mine offered to take care of the kids for me. Amazing when neighbors offer help like that. She has 3 triplets of her own to take care of, but she does live with her husband and parents to help her out. But my MIL suggested I call my Dad to see how Paul was doing and maybe rushing out there to see him wouldn't be worth it. I considered what she said about rushing out there to maybe see my brother one last time before his final breath and maybe not making it in all my rushing and also what scene I would happen on if my brother had passed and how would I feel about that? I called my Dad and he said he didn't think Paul would make it another hour and doubted if Nathan was going to make it. Nathan's plane was almost landed and he would have another hour drive to go from that point. The flight I was planning on catching left at 6pm and arrived at 8:10pm, so I just gave up at that point trying to catch a flight and waited to hear from my Dad.
Nathan called me once he had arrived at Paul's and said he was still alive but not talking. He asked if I wanted to say anything to Paul and he then held up the phone to Paul's ear. I could hear him breathing heavily. I told him I wish I could be there to give him a hug and told him I love him. I was sorry i couldn't be there with him and the family. I then spoke to Nathan again about my dilemma in my head over whether I should run out there on the next flight or if I should just stay home and be at peace with the fact that the last time I saw Paul held good memories for me. Nathan said only I could really answer those questions and there was no right answer. I told him I would call if I decided to come out there.
Later I called one of my best friends and she said I should go and I would regret it if I didn't. I started crying. She was right. It didn't even matter if Paul was still alive by the time I got there. It was about being there with my whole family during this time and not alone in my house with no husband and feeling distant from all that was going on. So I called my neighbor up to let her know I still wanted to leave and she came over and helped me look up flights, this was around 6:30pm. We found a flight that was due to leave around 9pm. I called my Dad and Nathan and let them know my plans. I could wait to leave in the morning or the next evening but I felt I wanted to at least try to make it there as soon as I could for the possibility of being there with Paul one last time before he passed.
I frantically packed my bags and my neighbor got the kids things ready to go to her house and then my in-laws came over to help. My FIL offered to take me to the airport, so I rushed out the door with my one carry on bag and hopped into his car. On the way to the airport my phone rang, it was my Dad, he said Paul had just passed away. I told my FIL to not rush and to just turn around and take me home. I hadn't purchased the tickets yet due to the last minute plans, so I could just wait until tomorrow.
Later I learned that the time Paul departed from this earth was 8:20pm, just 10 minutes after my flight would have landed if I had taken the flight earlier that evening. I would have just missed seeing him and someone else would have missed being with him in those final moments because they would have been picking me up at the airport. I was glad I didn't take that flight. It was meant to happen the way it happened.
I purchased tickets that night for a flight that landed the next day at 8:10pm, it was the most direct flight. And the next morning Paul's wife Ruth called me to let me know how peaceful Paul looked finally. No more pain in his face, finally. I told her I would be visiting for a few days and landing that night. She was very glad to hear that. I was glad I finally would make it out there to be with everyone. I knew, even if Paul was gone, that the family would need me and I would need them to deal with the grief of Paul's absence.
The following days we all spent together memorializing Paul in unique ways. Paul didn't want a memorial service where everyone stood around and cried over him. So we went to a burger joint to each lunch one day that was the place Paul and Ruth went to just after they got married. (They got married one month and two days before Paul died.) Then we went to the fair where Ruth and Paul had gone a year ago just after he had started chemo. Then we all decided to take a Bikram yoga class together at the studio where Ruth taught. Ruth's son was there to help teach a class while the owner was gone, so that made is special on another level as well. So there we were, Nathan, me, Ruth, and Dad all in a row on yoga mats. We had never taken a hot yoga class before (except Ruth of course) and I bet Paul would have been tickled pink to see his Dad in there... not to mention Nathan! Then the next day Nathan had to leave for home and Dad and I decided to take another Bikram yoga class that Ruth was teaching that day at another studio. The class was dedicated to Paul and there were people there that knew Paul and were touched by the experience. It was very special. Paul had taught at that yoga studio when he just first found out he had cancer. That afternoon I flew back home.
I had spent a couple days going through Paul's belongings and photos and found a whole stack of his poetry, he was very gifted. One that I found really hit home and seemed appropriate for the time.
July 20th was my brother Nathan's birthday and Paul did the same thing, he said he wanted to see him again. This prompted Nathan to hop on a plane right away and visit him the following week. I wish I could have done the same but JD was far away flying and wouldn't be home until August 2nd. My Dad was already out there to stay with Paul and his now wife, Ruth (another great story I should tell soon). Dad planned to stay there until Paul's final day. At this point no one knew how far off or close that day was.
July 29th My Dad told me the hospice nurse said Paul had maybe 24 - 48 hours to live and Nathan's plane was due to land that evening. He wasn't sure Nathan would even make it to see Paul, his breath was labored and shallow. I again wished I could hop on a plane to see Paul right away but I wasn't sure if I would even make it in time to see him if I did that and I couldn't think of who could watch my kids, since the in-laws were busy for the next two days.
3pm July 29th I said, "Screw it... I'm going." This was after a neighbor of mine offered to take care of the kids for me. Amazing when neighbors offer help like that. She has 3 triplets of her own to take care of, but she does live with her husband and parents to help her out. But my MIL suggested I call my Dad to see how Paul was doing and maybe rushing out there to see him wouldn't be worth it. I considered what she said about rushing out there to maybe see my brother one last time before his final breath and maybe not making it in all my rushing and also what scene I would happen on if my brother had passed and how would I feel about that? I called my Dad and he said he didn't think Paul would make it another hour and doubted if Nathan was going to make it. Nathan's plane was almost landed and he would have another hour drive to go from that point. The flight I was planning on catching left at 6pm and arrived at 8:10pm, so I just gave up at that point trying to catch a flight and waited to hear from my Dad.
Nathan called me once he had arrived at Paul's and said he was still alive but not talking. He asked if I wanted to say anything to Paul and he then held up the phone to Paul's ear. I could hear him breathing heavily. I told him I wish I could be there to give him a hug and told him I love him. I was sorry i couldn't be there with him and the family. I then spoke to Nathan again about my dilemma in my head over whether I should run out there on the next flight or if I should just stay home and be at peace with the fact that the last time I saw Paul held good memories for me. Nathan said only I could really answer those questions and there was no right answer. I told him I would call if I decided to come out there.
Later I called one of my best friends and she said I should go and I would regret it if I didn't. I started crying. She was right. It didn't even matter if Paul was still alive by the time I got there. It was about being there with my whole family during this time and not alone in my house with no husband and feeling distant from all that was going on. So I called my neighbor up to let her know I still wanted to leave and she came over and helped me look up flights, this was around 6:30pm. We found a flight that was due to leave around 9pm. I called my Dad and Nathan and let them know my plans. I could wait to leave in the morning or the next evening but I felt I wanted to at least try to make it there as soon as I could for the possibility of being there with Paul one last time before he passed.
I frantically packed my bags and my neighbor got the kids things ready to go to her house and then my in-laws came over to help. My FIL offered to take me to the airport, so I rushed out the door with my one carry on bag and hopped into his car. On the way to the airport my phone rang, it was my Dad, he said Paul had just passed away. I told my FIL to not rush and to just turn around and take me home. I hadn't purchased the tickets yet due to the last minute plans, so I could just wait until tomorrow.
Later I learned that the time Paul departed from this earth was 8:20pm, just 10 minutes after my flight would have landed if I had taken the flight earlier that evening. I would have just missed seeing him and someone else would have missed being with him in those final moments because they would have been picking me up at the airport. I was glad I didn't take that flight. It was meant to happen the way it happened.
I purchased tickets that night for a flight that landed the next day at 8:10pm, it was the most direct flight. And the next morning Paul's wife Ruth called me to let me know how peaceful Paul looked finally. No more pain in his face, finally. I told her I would be visiting for a few days and landing that night. She was very glad to hear that. I was glad I finally would make it out there to be with everyone. I knew, even if Paul was gone, that the family would need me and I would need them to deal with the grief of Paul's absence.
The following days we all spent together memorializing Paul in unique ways. Paul didn't want a memorial service where everyone stood around and cried over him. So we went to a burger joint to each lunch one day that was the place Paul and Ruth went to just after they got married. (They got married one month and two days before Paul died.) Then we went to the fair where Ruth and Paul had gone a year ago just after he had started chemo. Then we all decided to take a Bikram yoga class together at the studio where Ruth taught. Ruth's son was there to help teach a class while the owner was gone, so that made is special on another level as well. So there we were, Nathan, me, Ruth, and Dad all in a row on yoga mats. We had never taken a hot yoga class before (except Ruth of course) and I bet Paul would have been tickled pink to see his Dad in there... not to mention Nathan! Then the next day Nathan had to leave for home and Dad and I decided to take another Bikram yoga class that Ruth was teaching that day at another studio. The class was dedicated to Paul and there were people there that knew Paul and were touched by the experience. It was very special. Paul had taught at that yoga studio when he just first found out he had cancer. That afternoon I flew back home.
I had spent a couple days going through Paul's belongings and photos and found a whole stack of his poetry, he was very gifted. One that I found really hit home and seemed appropriate for the time.
My weight will be transcendedIn memory of Paul. You will be missed.
mended and rendered
molded and shattered.
Blowing together again
within.
Though the cloak
envelops me I will
peer through the weave.
My weight will be
transcended.
rendered and mended.
Heaviness leaves me with
my exhaled breath.
The future is an inhalation
my weight will be transcended.
P.D. Humphrey
Friday, April 29, 2011
Words of Wisdom
After learning my brother Paul was in hospice care I called my Dad and my brother Nate to see when we were going to all meet up for a visit together. We were all going to wait for my husband to get back from work but then JD called me and said he wasn't going to be home until May 20th instead of the May 4th date he was planning on. Since the schedule had changed my Dad and I wondered if meeting sooner rather than later was the prudent thing to do. So we called up Nate and asked when was the best time to get here from the East Coast in his schedule. The best time for all ended up being April 27- 30th. And of course once we had gotten that all settled JD's company decided that he didn't need to stay at work until the 20th and would be home May 4th. Oh well, at least this meant it would be a family visit. My Dad, my two brothers and I all together again. The last time we were together was at my Mom's funeral almost 2 years ago. So we were way overdue for a family meeting.
Of course a couple days before we were all set to leave I came down with a cold. The plan this time around was to leave KD with her Grandparents (JD's parents who live two doors down) and I would just bring baby AD. I was doubting if I would even be able to handle the road trip and if I would just be miserable and too sick to even visit while I was at Paul's. And then the day before we left KD's Grandma got sick! JD messaged me on how things were going and I started cussing via Blackberry messenger. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to see my brother, everything was against me and this visit and I had no idea if this was going to be my last chance to see him or not. My head was spinning and I was starting to freak out.
I had gone to KD's school that morning, despite being sick, to teach and I had forgotten my camera. KD was due to be special helper for the day and I had loaned my camera to another Mom to take pictures of her and I together at the front of the class leading circle time. This was just too much for me to handle, I was sick, Grandma was sick, the camera was lost, my brother is dying. I didn't have the keys to the school and I was leaving the next morning to see Paul, and I didn't want to have to rely on others to take pics and get me copies... anyways, I was unhappy. I finally got a call back from the Youth Pastor of the church where the school meets and he said I could come by and they would let me in and have keys to the classroom so I could fetch my camera (The Mom had put it in KD's bin for me to get it when I could). One crisis over. Now to think about what to do with KD if Grandma was going to be too sick to watch her. Do I take KD or not go or what?
Finally I remembered my neighbor offering to watch KD overnight if I had to run up to see Paul. So I called her and cashed in on the offer. She was happy to help out. I called Grandma to let her know but she said she could still watch KD and not to worry. But the next morning I got a call from Grandpa saying she was even more sick than the day before. Thank God I had talked to my neighbor the day before. I ran next door and told her I still needed her to watch KD and then I went and got KD all set up with an overnight bag. KD was so excited to be staying over with her little buddies next door, she had no problem saying goodbye to me. There is a little girl her age and another one a couple years older next door and also a little boy two years younger than KD. They all have a blast with each other. Crisis averted, now time to get in the car with the baby and my Dad and visit my brother.
We did the road trip all in one day, the baby did really well... slept through most of it. We went directly to Paul's place. When we stepped in the door my other brother, Nate, was already there visiting. It was nice to finally see Nate again too. We had a few good hours with Paul and then he just couldn't handle the pain and the small talk anymore, but at this point it was 8:45 pm anyways and time to get to the hotel and put the baby to bed.
During the next couple days there were moments when we showed up and were pretty much shooed off because Paul wasn't feeling well and in a poor mood. And then there were moments where we were all laughing and having a good time, or talking about death and crying and lifting each other up. In fact during one visit it was just my Dad and I with Paul and they were talking about the frustration of all this pain he was in and not knowing how the end was going to come and Paul was saying he wasn't the type to commit suicide or he may have gone for that route by now. I was sitting there with the baby listening and then started crying. Paul asked me what I needed to talk about, what was on my mind. I said I wished there was something I could do or that I had a solution for all of this and said it was frustrating. He said, "Don't think about what you can't do, think about what you can learn from all of this." I knew he was right, and I knew right then and there that those were some great pearls of wisdom.
I can't believe it! He's the one suffering and dying and there he is offering me words of wisdom! Shouldn't I be the one encouraging here ? Amazing. Truly amazing. He is such a special person. In fact tonight, as I hugged him goodbye, he said, "I'm okay. I know you want to do everything, but I'm okay." Almost got me crying again, but I held it together. There he goes... counseling me in my grief when he is on his death bed.
This whole process is difficult with Paul. I don't know how long we have with him, I don't know how this cancer is going to take him, I don't know long he is going to have to suffer. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that there will be plenty of lessons to learn from my big brother still and I just need to keep myself open to those learning moments and keep showing him I love him. That's all he needs, for me to love him and to not worry about him. Hard to do, not worry. But I must say I do see that he is in good hands with Ruth, his girlfriend, and I also see he is strong enough to go through this challenge without his baby sister nearby holding his hand. I want to be there for him, holding his hand, but that's not my job. I'm going to miss my big brother. He is wise and amazing and I love him so much.
Of course a couple days before we were all set to leave I came down with a cold. The plan this time around was to leave KD with her Grandparents (JD's parents who live two doors down) and I would just bring baby AD. I was doubting if I would even be able to handle the road trip and if I would just be miserable and too sick to even visit while I was at Paul's. And then the day before we left KD's Grandma got sick! JD messaged me on how things were going and I started cussing via Blackberry messenger. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to see my brother, everything was against me and this visit and I had no idea if this was going to be my last chance to see him or not. My head was spinning and I was starting to freak out.
I had gone to KD's school that morning, despite being sick, to teach and I had forgotten my camera. KD was due to be special helper for the day and I had loaned my camera to another Mom to take pictures of her and I together at the front of the class leading circle time. This was just too much for me to handle, I was sick, Grandma was sick, the camera was lost, my brother is dying. I didn't have the keys to the school and I was leaving the next morning to see Paul, and I didn't want to have to rely on others to take pics and get me copies... anyways, I was unhappy. I finally got a call back from the Youth Pastor of the church where the school meets and he said I could come by and they would let me in and have keys to the classroom so I could fetch my camera (The Mom had put it in KD's bin for me to get it when I could). One crisis over. Now to think about what to do with KD if Grandma was going to be too sick to watch her. Do I take KD or not go or what?
Finally I remembered my neighbor offering to watch KD overnight if I had to run up to see Paul. So I called her and cashed in on the offer. She was happy to help out. I called Grandma to let her know but she said she could still watch KD and not to worry. But the next morning I got a call from Grandpa saying she was even more sick than the day before. Thank God I had talked to my neighbor the day before. I ran next door and told her I still needed her to watch KD and then I went and got KD all set up with an overnight bag. KD was so excited to be staying over with her little buddies next door, she had no problem saying goodbye to me. There is a little girl her age and another one a couple years older next door and also a little boy two years younger than KD. They all have a blast with each other. Crisis averted, now time to get in the car with the baby and my Dad and visit my brother.
We did the road trip all in one day, the baby did really well... slept through most of it. We went directly to Paul's place. When we stepped in the door my other brother, Nate, was already there visiting. It was nice to finally see Nate again too. We had a few good hours with Paul and then he just couldn't handle the pain and the small talk anymore, but at this point it was 8:45 pm anyways and time to get to the hotel and put the baby to bed.
During the next couple days there were moments when we showed up and were pretty much shooed off because Paul wasn't feeling well and in a poor mood. And then there were moments where we were all laughing and having a good time, or talking about death and crying and lifting each other up. In fact during one visit it was just my Dad and I with Paul and they were talking about the frustration of all this pain he was in and not knowing how the end was going to come and Paul was saying he wasn't the type to commit suicide or he may have gone for that route by now. I was sitting there with the baby listening and then started crying. Paul asked me what I needed to talk about, what was on my mind. I said I wished there was something I could do or that I had a solution for all of this and said it was frustrating. He said, "Don't think about what you can't do, think about what you can learn from all of this." I knew he was right, and I knew right then and there that those were some great pearls of wisdom.
I can't believe it! He's the one suffering and dying and there he is offering me words of wisdom! Shouldn't I be the one encouraging here ? Amazing. Truly amazing. He is such a special person. In fact tonight, as I hugged him goodbye, he said, "I'm okay. I know you want to do everything, but I'm okay." Almost got me crying again, but I held it together. There he goes... counseling me in my grief when he is on his death bed.
This whole process is difficult with Paul. I don't know how long we have with him, I don't know how this cancer is going to take him, I don't know long he is going to have to suffer. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that there will be plenty of lessons to learn from my big brother still and I just need to keep myself open to those learning moments and keep showing him I love him. That's all he needs, for me to love him and to not worry about him. Hard to do, not worry. But I must say I do see that he is in good hands with Ruth, his girlfriend, and I also see he is strong enough to go through this challenge without his baby sister nearby holding his hand. I want to be there for him, holding his hand, but that's not my job. I'm going to miss my big brother. He is wise and amazing and I love him so much.
Thursday, April 21, 2011
Brother in Hospice Care
I found out today, via an online forum my brother Paul uses to keep everyone updated, that he started hospice care yesterday. He said he was all hopped up on drugs and in a hospital bed at home. It just hit me hard at that point. Like I mentioned before, I was on the edge of being a sobbing mess and that just did it for me. My daughter was at preschool and fortunately my neighbor, who was working there today, said she would bring her home for me. When my neighbor pulled into the driveway to drop off KD she saw me crying and it was good to have someone offer some words of support at that point. She even offered to watch KD if I wanted to hop on a plane and go see my brother. WOW! I really appreciated her saying that.
I called my MIL and asked her if she could take the baby and KD and give them their lunch, I needed to collect myself and not be crying like that in front of them. I also wasn't in the mood to make lunch and figure all that out for everyone. She came over right away and I had a chance to call my other brother Nate and let him know what I read, and then I called my Aunt (my Mom's sister) to let her know what was going on. It has been too long since I gave her an update.
I called my brother's GF, Ruth, to see what was going on from her perspective. She didn't answer her phone but did call back while I was at church for the Maundy Thursday service. She explained that Paul was really out of it on the drugs and wasn't sure what his post said, but that he is going to get the radiation treatment that he has been wanting. Apparently it was going to cost them a lot of money to get the radiation for him and then she called the hospice people and they are going to take care of the majority of the cost! I think they have to pay $1500 upfront and then hospice will pay the balance. That is great news! I have my concerns that the treatment will do more harm than good, but praying that isn't the case.
Paul has a very large tumor (about the size of half a gallon of milk) in his groin. That is causing him a lot of pain and also a lot of difficulty when going to the bathroom. So the radiation treatment is happening in hopes that it will shrink the tumor enough to give him some relief. It will probably just grow back, but he is hoping that maybe it will grow back in a different shape and not cause so much problems with his bowel movements. That would be nice.
Hospice has started treating his pain, which is good. He was in so much pain he was in tears when I saw him. But I hope also that this radiation will reduce his pain to a level where he doesn't have to be so heavily doped up and therefore not as delusional as he has been because of the heavy medication.
I pray and I thank those of you who pray for my brother.
I called my MIL and asked her if she could take the baby and KD and give them their lunch, I needed to collect myself and not be crying like that in front of them. I also wasn't in the mood to make lunch and figure all that out for everyone. She came over right away and I had a chance to call my other brother Nate and let him know what I read, and then I called my Aunt (my Mom's sister) to let her know what was going on. It has been too long since I gave her an update.
I called my brother's GF, Ruth, to see what was going on from her perspective. She didn't answer her phone but did call back while I was at church for the Maundy Thursday service. She explained that Paul was really out of it on the drugs and wasn't sure what his post said, but that he is going to get the radiation treatment that he has been wanting. Apparently it was going to cost them a lot of money to get the radiation for him and then she called the hospice people and they are going to take care of the majority of the cost! I think they have to pay $1500 upfront and then hospice will pay the balance. That is great news! I have my concerns that the treatment will do more harm than good, but praying that isn't the case.
Paul has a very large tumor (about the size of half a gallon of milk) in his groin. That is causing him a lot of pain and also a lot of difficulty when going to the bathroom. So the radiation treatment is happening in hopes that it will shrink the tumor enough to give him some relief. It will probably just grow back, but he is hoping that maybe it will grow back in a different shape and not cause so much problems with his bowel movements. That would be nice.
Hospice has started treating his pain, which is good. He was in so much pain he was in tears when I saw him. But I hope also that this radiation will reduce his pain to a level where he doesn't have to be so heavily doped up and therefore not as delusional as he has been because of the heavy medication.
I pray and I thank those of you who pray for my brother.
Wednesday, April 20, 2011
Visit With Brother
I learned that my brother got off the clinical trial. He wasn't able to stay on it and get radiation or surgery at the same time. He wanted to stay on the trial to keep his tumors from growing as rapidly as they do when he isn't on the clinical trial's pill. But alas, this was not an option if he wanted to do something about the main tumor that is causing him a lot of pain. After I found this information out his GF called the family and encouraged us to make a visit... quickly!
I was on Spring Break from teaching at KD's school, so I had the free time to make the drive up to see him. He is an 8-10 hour drive away up in Northern CA. But JD couldn't go with me and the kids. Although JD was home he was still "on call" for work. They didn't need him for the majority of his rotation due to plane maintenance and co-workers getting surgery or out sick. He didn't have a date for when he was due back, so he had to just sit around at home and wait while I hopped in a car and left to see my dying brother. How sucky is that?! My Dad said he would drive us there, so thankfully I didn't have to do the long haul driving and I had company. My Step-Mother came along too. I get along okay with her, but we aren't very close. KD was cute with her during the trip though. She wanted to sit on her lap or brush her hair for her, or would ask her to take her to the bathroom. Kids are good to have around when making a difficult trip. They keep your mind on happier things.
The drive up was split into two parts, so the first night we stayed at a hotel mid way up and the second night we were at my brother's place. During the drive the kids did fine. In the hotel room I was a bit apprehensive about how things were going to go. KD hadn't been traveling like that since she was 6 months old (and now she is 3 and a half!). And baby AD I have only done over nights with him in a hotel. But I haven't done both kids, and myself, all sleeping in one room. I got a room with two double beds but didn't know if KD would sleep in hers alone in a strange hotel. AD slept just fine in his pack-n-play crib. KD I had to finally just shut all the lights off and get in bed with her to get her to settle down and sleep. She was homesick and didn't want to be alone, but I warned her that after she fell asleep I would be using the other bed to sleep in. She did fine once she was asleep.
When we finally arrived in my brother's town we went over for a visit. He lives in a 5th wheel trailer that belongs to his GF. He was in bed and in pain when we got there. During the 2 day visit he was either in his bed or in a chair in a reclined position. And moving from one spot to the other was painful for him. At one point he cried and then I cried. It was so hard to see him hurting like that.
That second night I was in a hotel room that had two rooms, one for my Dad and his wife and the other had two beds for me and KD, and then of course AD was in that room with us. I was tired from driving all day and then mentally drained after seeing my brother and KD was saying, "I wanna take a shower." I had given her a shower at the first hotel so she didn't need another one, plus it was getting late, and I was very tired, so I said, "NO, not tonight." AD was also ready to be fed and crying his eyes out. My Dad and his wife retired to their bedroom and then all hell broke loose. KD started whining and crying, basically throwing a tantrum about not getting to take a shower, and AD was crying and wanting me to pick him up. I was trying to get KD to get ready for bed and take her clothes off and use the potty while I made a bottle for AD. Anyways, this whole scene started escalating and I tore off KD's clothes while I yelled at her to use the potty and then spanking her twice on her bare bum while she cried and refused to do what I asked. Finally my Dad came out of his room, as I was in the kitchen making a bottle for the crying baby, and asked if everything was alright. I started crying and saying, "NO! It's not alright!" And he then proceeded to get KD to calm down for me. These are the moments that make me realize I need the medication I started taking and the moments that make me think I need my husband home! Thank God my Dad stepped in and helped calm us all down. He even said I was a good Mom and that I am doing better than I think I am. That was nice.
I am sure I was just stressed and tired etc from the travel. But I hate freaking out on my kid and spanking her in anger. I told my Dad that if anything like that starts to happen again to remind me about time-outs. What I should have done is told her she had to get ready for bed or she would get a time-out. There is no reason for her to be in a fit and for me to yell and spank her without any warning. (At this point I wasn't feeling the effects of my new meds and was starting a new dosage. Obviously, it wasn't working for me yet. I started another medication in addition to that new dosage and now seem to be feeling much better. JD left for work a couple days ago and I have been fine with the kids.)
Back to the visit... We were all shocked on the second day when my brother decided he wanted to go out to dinner with all of us! He made it through his meal and then had to go lay down in his GF's camper/ truck. But I am glad he made the effort. I am hoping that he finds something to help him with the main tumor and the pain SOON! Talks of hospice care and plans for cremation were topics of conversation between he and my Dad, not something I wanted to hear. I am so confused as to what I should feel. I feel like I want to mourn but then my brother isn't dead, but then I realize he is in the process of dying. Very strange emotions. I feel like I am about to cry at any moment, just push me a little bit over that line and I am going to be a blubbering fool.
When it was time to leave I wasn't even able to give my brother a hug, it hurts him to even be touched. But we did an "air hug" and said we loved each other. It was good visit, but difficult at the same time. He was sitting or lying down in pain most of the time, but he was able to talk to us and have some conversations with a clear head. That is one thing that I don't look forward to, the day he is in hospice care and he can't even talk because he is so drugged up. I told his GF that if she wanted to move him down near myself and my Dad that I wouldn't object. I don't want her to have to go through those end days by herself. And I don't want to have my brother dying and in a place where I am unable to see him as often as I want. I want to be able to sit by his bed and talk to him and encourage him, even if he isn't able to talk back. I want to be there holding his hand as he journeys from this life to the next. I would want my family to do that for me if the tables were turned.
Of course the morning of the last leg, driving back home, I found out JD had to go back to work. This news was horrible to me. #1 It meant he could have gone on this trip with us! #2 The moment I got back with the kids he was going to be packing and heading out the door! He needed to stay at a hotel by the airport because he had an early flight the next morning. When I got home JD suggested we all stay at the hotel with him. I hated the idea of another night in a hotel, but I didn't want to miss out on seeing my husband before he left. I agreed to go with the kids, but then KD decided she wanted to stay at her Grandma's house (JD's parents live two houses down from us). JD actually let her do that! I was shocked, but I also knew KD was ready to be in familiar surroundings, and the next morning JD would be leaving and I would be in a hotel room alone with both kids to get fed and ready again. So I didn't object to her sleeping over at Grandma's. But this whole leaving right when I get home from seeing my dying brother thing just sucked. And not going with me to be an emotional support while visiting my dying brother when he could have (even though he didn't know that at the time) also sucked.
Sometimes being a pilot's wife sucks! Although the time he was home has been great. And I am blessed to have him home like that, around 24/7 with me and the kids and no job to go to every morning. And he has been kept home from his last two rotations. The last time he only had to work the last week of his rotation. This time he has only one week as well, after that he has to go to recurrent training though. We are still hoping he can quit his job soon. But for now I'm still a pilot's wife. Loving the times he is home and helping out full-time, and hating the weeks he is gone and I'm doing it all alone. Even if I have the in-laws down the street and great neighbors no one can take the place of your husband. No one else can take that role or fill his shoes.
I was on Spring Break from teaching at KD's school, so I had the free time to make the drive up to see him. He is an 8-10 hour drive away up in Northern CA. But JD couldn't go with me and the kids. Although JD was home he was still "on call" for work. They didn't need him for the majority of his rotation due to plane maintenance and co-workers getting surgery or out sick. He didn't have a date for when he was due back, so he had to just sit around at home and wait while I hopped in a car and left to see my dying brother. How sucky is that?! My Dad said he would drive us there, so thankfully I didn't have to do the long haul driving and I had company. My Step-Mother came along too. I get along okay with her, but we aren't very close. KD was cute with her during the trip though. She wanted to sit on her lap or brush her hair for her, or would ask her to take her to the bathroom. Kids are good to have around when making a difficult trip. They keep your mind on happier things.
The drive up was split into two parts, so the first night we stayed at a hotel mid way up and the second night we were at my brother's place. During the drive the kids did fine. In the hotel room I was a bit apprehensive about how things were going to go. KD hadn't been traveling like that since she was 6 months old (and now she is 3 and a half!). And baby AD I have only done over nights with him in a hotel. But I haven't done both kids, and myself, all sleeping in one room. I got a room with two double beds but didn't know if KD would sleep in hers alone in a strange hotel. AD slept just fine in his pack-n-play crib. KD I had to finally just shut all the lights off and get in bed with her to get her to settle down and sleep. She was homesick and didn't want to be alone, but I warned her that after she fell asleep I would be using the other bed to sleep in. She did fine once she was asleep.
When we finally arrived in my brother's town we went over for a visit. He lives in a 5th wheel trailer that belongs to his GF. He was in bed and in pain when we got there. During the 2 day visit he was either in his bed or in a chair in a reclined position. And moving from one spot to the other was painful for him. At one point he cried and then I cried. It was so hard to see him hurting like that.
That second night I was in a hotel room that had two rooms, one for my Dad and his wife and the other had two beds for me and KD, and then of course AD was in that room with us. I was tired from driving all day and then mentally drained after seeing my brother and KD was saying, "I wanna take a shower." I had given her a shower at the first hotel so she didn't need another one, plus it was getting late, and I was very tired, so I said, "NO, not tonight." AD was also ready to be fed and crying his eyes out. My Dad and his wife retired to their bedroom and then all hell broke loose. KD started whining and crying, basically throwing a tantrum about not getting to take a shower, and AD was crying and wanting me to pick him up. I was trying to get KD to get ready for bed and take her clothes off and use the potty while I made a bottle for AD. Anyways, this whole scene started escalating and I tore off KD's clothes while I yelled at her to use the potty and then spanking her twice on her bare bum while she cried and refused to do what I asked. Finally my Dad came out of his room, as I was in the kitchen making a bottle for the crying baby, and asked if everything was alright. I started crying and saying, "NO! It's not alright!" And he then proceeded to get KD to calm down for me. These are the moments that make me realize I need the medication I started taking and the moments that make me think I need my husband home! Thank God my Dad stepped in and helped calm us all down. He even said I was a good Mom and that I am doing better than I think I am. That was nice.
I am sure I was just stressed and tired etc from the travel. But I hate freaking out on my kid and spanking her in anger. I told my Dad that if anything like that starts to happen again to remind me about time-outs. What I should have done is told her she had to get ready for bed or she would get a time-out. There is no reason for her to be in a fit and for me to yell and spank her without any warning. (At this point I wasn't feeling the effects of my new meds and was starting a new dosage. Obviously, it wasn't working for me yet. I started another medication in addition to that new dosage and now seem to be feeling much better. JD left for work a couple days ago and I have been fine with the kids.)
Back to the visit... We were all shocked on the second day when my brother decided he wanted to go out to dinner with all of us! He made it through his meal and then had to go lay down in his GF's camper/ truck. But I am glad he made the effort. I am hoping that he finds something to help him with the main tumor and the pain SOON! Talks of hospice care and plans for cremation were topics of conversation between he and my Dad, not something I wanted to hear. I am so confused as to what I should feel. I feel like I want to mourn but then my brother isn't dead, but then I realize he is in the process of dying. Very strange emotions. I feel like I am about to cry at any moment, just push me a little bit over that line and I am going to be a blubbering fool.
When it was time to leave I wasn't even able to give my brother a hug, it hurts him to even be touched. But we did an "air hug" and said we loved each other. It was good visit, but difficult at the same time. He was sitting or lying down in pain most of the time, but he was able to talk to us and have some conversations with a clear head. That is one thing that I don't look forward to, the day he is in hospice care and he can't even talk because he is so drugged up. I told his GF that if she wanted to move him down near myself and my Dad that I wouldn't object. I don't want her to have to go through those end days by herself. And I don't want to have my brother dying and in a place where I am unable to see him as often as I want. I want to be able to sit by his bed and talk to him and encourage him, even if he isn't able to talk back. I want to be there holding his hand as he journeys from this life to the next. I would want my family to do that for me if the tables were turned.
Of course the morning of the last leg, driving back home, I found out JD had to go back to work. This news was horrible to me. #1 It meant he could have gone on this trip with us! #2 The moment I got back with the kids he was going to be packing and heading out the door! He needed to stay at a hotel by the airport because he had an early flight the next morning. When I got home JD suggested we all stay at the hotel with him. I hated the idea of another night in a hotel, but I didn't want to miss out on seeing my husband before he left. I agreed to go with the kids, but then KD decided she wanted to stay at her Grandma's house (JD's parents live two houses down from us). JD actually let her do that! I was shocked, but I also knew KD was ready to be in familiar surroundings, and the next morning JD would be leaving and I would be in a hotel room alone with both kids to get fed and ready again. So I didn't object to her sleeping over at Grandma's. But this whole leaving right when I get home from seeing my dying brother thing just sucked. And not going with me to be an emotional support while visiting my dying brother when he could have (even though he didn't know that at the time) also sucked.
Sometimes being a pilot's wife sucks! Although the time he was home has been great. And I am blessed to have him home like that, around 24/7 with me and the kids and no job to go to every morning. And he has been kept home from his last two rotations. The last time he only had to work the last week of his rotation. This time he has only one week as well, after that he has to go to recurrent training though. We are still hoping he can quit his job soon. But for now I'm still a pilot's wife. Loving the times he is home and helping out full-time, and hating the weeks he is gone and I'm doing it all alone. Even if I have the in-laws down the street and great neighbors no one can take the place of your husband. No one else can take that role or fill his shoes.
Sunday, March 20, 2011
Much Needed Update
So... its been a long time since I wrote anything. So sorry about that. Sometimes Blogging is the last thing I even want to do these days. But I do need to add some news to update everyone.
First, very good news on my SIL! She and her husband did adopt a baby finally. The paperwork is final and she is all theirs! Such a little cutie, a head full of dark spiky hair, beautiful big eyes, and just the sweetest little baby girl one could ask for. They are truly blessed. I am so glad their prayers were finally answered and their search and heartache is finally over.
Second, my husband wasn't able to give notice yet during his last rotation. But we are hopeful that this next one will indeed be his last. It is interesting though... his last rotation in February got cut down to 10 days, instead of the usual 35 days. The reason is that he went ahead and got "the snip" and them a complication arose and his Doctor said it would be better to wait another week before returning to work just to make sure everything was okay. My husband was feeling a strange pulling sensation and got some bruising in his groin and the Doctor thought perhaps it was just an infection, but if it was something worse neither one of them wanted him in the Middle East dealing with it. His man parts were not going to be trusted with a Middle Eastern Doctor if he could help it. He called in and told them, and his boss wasn't too thrilled. There were two other pilots that were off line due to illness or surgery. But it was so so so fortunate JD stayed home because the protests in Cairo started a couple days after he called in sick to work!! JD stays in Cairo about 98% of the time when he is at work. I am so thankful to God that He worked out this for our benefit and safety.
Even after that week was up and JD was ready to go back to work they told him to stay home. There were issues with the planes he flies in his fleet, so there was no reason for him to go over and just sit in a hotel until they were ready to be flown again. That is why in the end he only was over there for the last 10 days of his rotation. And the only reason that even happened was that his work Visa had to be renewed and there was an English proficiency test he had to take (which is a joke, since he is American and is definitely fluent in English).
Third, my brother with the cancer... well, his tumors re-grew. But he got on another clinical trial and the pill for that one is at least keeping them from growing any bigger. The reason he started that trial is to qualify for the next pill coming out on the next trial. Once the next pill is ready he is going to take that one and its suppose to shrink the new mutated cells in the tumors. Basically, the cancer cells changed and the first pill that was working no longer works. So, that is good and bad news. He can't even sit up for long periods of time and he is in a lot of pain. But I am hopeful for him that the next pill will work for him and he will find some relief again. Prayers for him are coveted and I thank you if you would keep him in yours. His name is Paul.
I personally needed to go see someone about my mood swings and irritability, agitation, etc. I was concerned I have Post Partum Depression, so I saw a counselor at the hospital where I had baby AD. She said I do have some symptoms of PPD but the other symptoms that were really bothering me sounded to her like Bi-polar. My Mom was bi-polar and her brother is, and my middle brother is... so I guess its a good guess for me. I was also treated for hypo-mania (a mild form of bi-polar) before I had KD, but have been off medication for 3+ years. I got off of it to get pregnant and then my symptoms hadn't reared their ugly head until after I had AD. I also saw a regular medical doctor to rule out any problems with my thyroid or vitamin deficiencies. Although he did find I was low on vitamin D he said I probably needed to go on Lithium as well. So, I gave in and went to see my psychologist that I saw when I was treated before. She ended up putting me on a low dose of Lithium and I have been on that for just a few days. Its a low enough dose that I can still nurse, so that is good. She will check in with me in 3 weeks to see how I feel and if I need more or need to add an anti-depressant or whatever. I guess we shall see soon if this helps me. I think mainly the stress of my husband being gone for five weeks, being stuck at home alone when the kids are sick (which was most of February and is still going on now) and all the other stuff that goes along with being a pilot wife/ single mother of two is what has caused my symptoms to worsen with the bi-polar. My psychologist said that can happen. Life can cause symptoms to reappear and sometimes we just need an adjustment to get all the chemicals back in line. So, that's what I am doing.
I am ready for the kids to be done with being sick. But I am so happy JD is home to help out still. He has been delayed to work for 10 days, due to the plane needing maintenance. And that is good. A rain storm is on its way, and I don't want to be stuck in the house with sick kids and no help again. Hopefully I won't catch the strep throat that KD caught this time. And since AD is still on antibiotics from his last cold hopefully he won't catch it either. I am basically sick of being sick.
Well... that was quite an update. But hopefully I will do better with keeping this blog updated on how things progress. I do have more things to talk about, but this is all I can do for now. Time for lunch!! lol
First, very good news on my SIL! She and her husband did adopt a baby finally. The paperwork is final and she is all theirs! Such a little cutie, a head full of dark spiky hair, beautiful big eyes, and just the sweetest little baby girl one could ask for. They are truly blessed. I am so glad their prayers were finally answered and their search and heartache is finally over.
Second, my husband wasn't able to give notice yet during his last rotation. But we are hopeful that this next one will indeed be his last. It is interesting though... his last rotation in February got cut down to 10 days, instead of the usual 35 days. The reason is that he went ahead and got "the snip" and them a complication arose and his Doctor said it would be better to wait another week before returning to work just to make sure everything was okay. My husband was feeling a strange pulling sensation and got some bruising in his groin and the Doctor thought perhaps it was just an infection, but if it was something worse neither one of them wanted him in the Middle East dealing with it. His man parts were not going to be trusted with a Middle Eastern Doctor if he could help it. He called in and told them, and his boss wasn't too thrilled. There were two other pilots that were off line due to illness or surgery. But it was so so so fortunate JD stayed home because the protests in Cairo started a couple days after he called in sick to work!! JD stays in Cairo about 98% of the time when he is at work. I am so thankful to God that He worked out this for our benefit and safety.
Even after that week was up and JD was ready to go back to work they told him to stay home. There were issues with the planes he flies in his fleet, so there was no reason for him to go over and just sit in a hotel until they were ready to be flown again. That is why in the end he only was over there for the last 10 days of his rotation. And the only reason that even happened was that his work Visa had to be renewed and there was an English proficiency test he had to take (which is a joke, since he is American and is definitely fluent in English).
Third, my brother with the cancer... well, his tumors re-grew. But he got on another clinical trial and the pill for that one is at least keeping them from growing any bigger. The reason he started that trial is to qualify for the next pill coming out on the next trial. Once the next pill is ready he is going to take that one and its suppose to shrink the new mutated cells in the tumors. Basically, the cancer cells changed and the first pill that was working no longer works. So, that is good and bad news. He can't even sit up for long periods of time and he is in a lot of pain. But I am hopeful for him that the next pill will work for him and he will find some relief again. Prayers for him are coveted and I thank you if you would keep him in yours. His name is Paul.
I personally needed to go see someone about my mood swings and irritability, agitation, etc. I was concerned I have Post Partum Depression, so I saw a counselor at the hospital where I had baby AD. She said I do have some symptoms of PPD but the other symptoms that were really bothering me sounded to her like Bi-polar. My Mom was bi-polar and her brother is, and my middle brother is... so I guess its a good guess for me. I was also treated for hypo-mania (a mild form of bi-polar) before I had KD, but have been off medication for 3+ years. I got off of it to get pregnant and then my symptoms hadn't reared their ugly head until after I had AD. I also saw a regular medical doctor to rule out any problems with my thyroid or vitamin deficiencies. Although he did find I was low on vitamin D he said I probably needed to go on Lithium as well. So, I gave in and went to see my psychologist that I saw when I was treated before. She ended up putting me on a low dose of Lithium and I have been on that for just a few days. Its a low enough dose that I can still nurse, so that is good. She will check in with me in 3 weeks to see how I feel and if I need more or need to add an anti-depressant or whatever. I guess we shall see soon if this helps me. I think mainly the stress of my husband being gone for five weeks, being stuck at home alone when the kids are sick (which was most of February and is still going on now) and all the other stuff that goes along with being a pilot wife/ single mother of two is what has caused my symptoms to worsen with the bi-polar. My psychologist said that can happen. Life can cause symptoms to reappear and sometimes we just need an adjustment to get all the chemicals back in line. So, that's what I am doing.
I am ready for the kids to be done with being sick. But I am so happy JD is home to help out still. He has been delayed to work for 10 days, due to the plane needing maintenance. And that is good. A rain storm is on its way, and I don't want to be stuck in the house with sick kids and no help again. Hopefully I won't catch the strep throat that KD caught this time. And since AD is still on antibiotics from his last cold hopefully he won't catch it either. I am basically sick of being sick.
Well... that was quite an update. But hopefully I will do better with keeping this blog updated on how things progress. I do have more things to talk about, but this is all I can do for now. Time for lunch!! lol
Saturday, January 1, 2011
Christmas 2010 Summary
OH! And I just realized I didn't say anything about our first Christmas together in 3 years in that last post! JD finally was home for Christmas and it was baby AD's first Christmas, and the first time KD (who is 3 years old) even understood what Christmas was!
Jason and I decided to go ahead and let KD believe in Santa. I was raised in a home where my Mother hated Santa, didn't like to hear the song, "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" or anything! So I never knew what it felt like to believe in Santa. Jason's parents did let him believe in Santa until he figured out he wasn't real, and he has some fond memories from those years he believed. We are also telling KD about the real reason for Christmas, Jesus' birth. And I am telling her that Santa is giving presents to everyone because it is Jesus' birthday, just as we all give gifts to each other for the same reason. We read her two books about Christmas, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" (the classic poem with illustrations) and another one about the birth of Jesus.
It was fun to take KD to see Santa at the mall and have her tell him what she wanted for Christmas and then get that gift for her to open Christmas day. In my house my Dad filled our stockings and pretended to be Santa, even though we knew there wasn't a real Santa. He kinda did it with a wink in his eye, telling us Santa filled our stockings and ate the cookies we left out... but we all knew it was our Dad that did that. (I don't know how he got away with doing that much, since my Mom hated the whole Santa thing so much.) I had fun getting different wrapping paper and a big gold bow to put on KD's gift, so it would look like it came from somewhere else, and then seeing her eyes pop out of her head as she opened the gift that "Santa" had brought her. You only get a few years of your life with such innocence and wonder, what does it hurt to allow your child to believe when they still have that childlike ability to actually believe in Santa? Once she figures it out I won't be trying to force the belief on her, its just something fun to do for a while. And I am sure I will keep "playing Santa" like my Dad did, even after she stops believing he is real. And I will be sure to keep the focus of Christmas on Jesus' birth, even if we do "play Santa."
The only downer was that the Santa we brought KD and AD to see was rather grumpy. He took off his glasses and was rubbing his eyes between kids coming to sit on his lap. And we even got there right after his lunch break! You would think he got to have his break and would be refreshed enough to at least smile for the camera. But he made no effort to smile as the kids sat on his lap. He just held them there like a big lump and had a frown on his face. But I don't think KD even noticed. She was just in awe that she got to see Santa in person. And it will be a funny story and picture to show the kids in the years to come. And at least the kids were both looking at the camera and looked happy... and cute.
JD and I didn't have gifts for each other, but I am joking with him that what he is about to do in the next week is our gift to each other. He is going to get "the snip"... as we call it. LOL We both have decided we are done having kids. We have one girl and one boy, and they are both healthy. And my pregnancies were difficult on me, as were the deliveries (I tore very badly with both). I tell people all the time, if I were to get pregnant again I would ask the Doctor to cut me open and take the kid out, there is no way I would push another kid through my lady parts and be tore all up again and have all that pain and recovery that follows... not to mention the pain that comes with having sex again. It sucks when you want to be with your husband physically and you have pain down there that makes it almost unbearable. It makes me very unenthusiastic when it comes to being intimate again. I know I need to do that, and the more we are intimate the better it gets... but its like doing my homework. And who wants to do homework?! I just want it to feel good, not like work. I know, "TMI!"... right? Sorry about that. So... very soon JD will be laid up with an ice pack on his privates. LOL
And with that I again wish you a Happy and Hopeful New Year! ;-) God bless you!
Jason and I decided to go ahead and let KD believe in Santa. I was raised in a home where my Mother hated Santa, didn't like to hear the song, "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" or anything! So I never knew what it felt like to believe in Santa. Jason's parents did let him believe in Santa until he figured out he wasn't real, and he has some fond memories from those years he believed. We are also telling KD about the real reason for Christmas, Jesus' birth. And I am telling her that Santa is giving presents to everyone because it is Jesus' birthday, just as we all give gifts to each other for the same reason. We read her two books about Christmas, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" (the classic poem with illustrations) and another one about the birth of Jesus.
It was fun to take KD to see Santa at the mall and have her tell him what she wanted for Christmas and then get that gift for her to open Christmas day. In my house my Dad filled our stockings and pretended to be Santa, even though we knew there wasn't a real Santa. He kinda did it with a wink in his eye, telling us Santa filled our stockings and ate the cookies we left out... but we all knew it was our Dad that did that. (I don't know how he got away with doing that much, since my Mom hated the whole Santa thing so much.) I had fun getting different wrapping paper and a big gold bow to put on KD's gift, so it would look like it came from somewhere else, and then seeing her eyes pop out of her head as she opened the gift that "Santa" had brought her. You only get a few years of your life with such innocence and wonder, what does it hurt to allow your child to believe when they still have that childlike ability to actually believe in Santa? Once she figures it out I won't be trying to force the belief on her, its just something fun to do for a while. And I am sure I will keep "playing Santa" like my Dad did, even after she stops believing he is real. And I will be sure to keep the focus of Christmas on Jesus' birth, even if we do "play Santa."
The only downer was that the Santa we brought KD and AD to see was rather grumpy. He took off his glasses and was rubbing his eyes between kids coming to sit on his lap. And we even got there right after his lunch break! You would think he got to have his break and would be refreshed enough to at least smile for the camera. But he made no effort to smile as the kids sat on his lap. He just held them there like a big lump and had a frown on his face. But I don't think KD even noticed. She was just in awe that she got to see Santa in person. And it will be a funny story and picture to show the kids in the years to come. And at least the kids were both looking at the camera and looked happy... and cute.
JD and I didn't have gifts for each other, but I am joking with him that what he is about to do in the next week is our gift to each other. He is going to get "the snip"... as we call it. LOL We both have decided we are done having kids. We have one girl and one boy, and they are both healthy. And my pregnancies were difficult on me, as were the deliveries (I tore very badly with both). I tell people all the time, if I were to get pregnant again I would ask the Doctor to cut me open and take the kid out, there is no way I would push another kid through my lady parts and be tore all up again and have all that pain and recovery that follows... not to mention the pain that comes with having sex again. It sucks when you want to be with your husband physically and you have pain down there that makes it almost unbearable. It makes me very unenthusiastic when it comes to being intimate again. I know I need to do that, and the more we are intimate the better it gets... but its like doing my homework. And who wants to do homework?! I just want it to feel good, not like work. I know, "TMI!"... right? Sorry about that. So... very soon JD will be laid up with an ice pack on his privates. LOL
And with that I again wish you a Happy and Hopeful New Year! ;-) God bless you!
A Hopeful New Year (2011)
The last blog, if you read it, is pretty bleak. The news, not so great. But as we turn a corner and enter the new year the situations have greatly changed on all fronts.
My brother with the stage 4 Melanoma cancer did get into that clinical trial in San Francisco and the pill he is taking has shrunk his tumors and seems to be keeping them at bay. The down side is the side effects of prickly feet and sores on his head, but the Doctors are trying to figure out a dosage that minimizes the side effects while keeping his tumors shrinking, or at least keep them from growing any larger. And the bright side to all this, of course, is that he is still alive! He is such a strong person, able to handle a lot of pain. I can't imagine going through all he has gone through, but I am happy he is still with us... whatever condition his body is in.
My sister-in-law and her husband have been chosen again by another pregnant lady to adopt her baby, which is a girl! Which is very good... since the last baby they prepared for (and lost, when the birth parents changed their minds) was a girl and the room is not suitable at all for a boy baby. This time the woman is divorced, her husband left her because she got pregnant, and she has no family or the means to raise a baby. Very sad story. I am now praying that this time the birth Mom doesn't change her mind and that my sister and brother in law get their baby that they have been waiting for and praying for all these years. I don't know if I could handle seeing another baby being torn from their arms. But I am hopeful that 2011 is going to be the year that turns all this sad stuff around.
My husband will be leaving for his last 5 week long rotation with his current employer (knock on wood... that it will be his last). More than likely he will be giving his notice this time when he goes back and then we will either live off his severance pay for a few months, until a new job comes along or until JD's Dad has his company started. JD's Dad has been looking for financial backers, and it seems he is on the cusp of getting that money from some interested investors. So, I will be praying for that to all come through in perfect timing, for JD to leave his current job and hop into that job with his Dad when he gets home (at least before his severance pay runs out). And both JD and I are okay with saying, "Good riddance!" to his career as a pilot and the crazy rotation schedules and time away from home. I guess that may mean I won't be a pilot's wife anymore and I will have to start a new blog. Ha!
This last rotation JD was gone I went nuts a few times. I wasn't handling it very well. I found handling my daughter's tantrums and mood swings difficult while trying to juggle the needs of a baby at the same time, and trying to eat well and sleep well was a challenge. When I don't sleep or eat well I don't function well. I tried my hardest to find someone that can come into my home and watch the kids for a couple hours a day, for at least a few days a week, but no luck in finding such a person. I got tons of offers from neighbors and friends to take the kids or got references for daycare places that were run by friends of friends in their homes. Those kinds of offers are somewhat helpful. But I don't always want to be separated from my kids just to get the household chores together, or just to get a nap in. It would be nice to be in our own home all together and have someone around to just handle the kids and play with them or feed them while I either do some laundry and cook meals, or have some alone time in my room and take a rest or a mental break. It would be very very nice to have someone here at night when its time to put KD to bed. Its hard to deal with a crying baby on my lap and try to read a book to KD and rock both of them together, sometimes while the baby is nursing. And that neighbor who was around the prior rotation was either sick herself or one of her 3 kids was sick. She didn't help me ONCE! Ugh.... and KD and I both got sick at the beginning of JD's rotation away and at the end of his rotation away. And of course JD's parents were sick when we were sick, or when we weren't sick, or they were busy when I was at my end and needed a break. It was a horrible rotation. Plus JD missed Thanksgiving with all of us. But he did come home for Christmas, so I will take that trade off. (Although we did get JD sick when he got home... he had no chance, with the baby, KD, and myself all being sick.)
This next time JD is gone KD will be starting in a pre-school. They meet Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri for school and then Wed they do field trips. I have to work one day a week, since its a co-op preschool, and that day will be Tuesday. So, it will be very different from the last rotation with this new school adventure. Once KD is comfortable enough I can drop her off at 9am, on my non-work days, and pick her up at 11:45am. That will give me a couple hours of free time, I can even drop off the baby during that time at a neighbor's house or with my Mother-in-law if I want to do something "kid free." And my MIL is even going to get a car seat so she can take KD to school or be able to pick her up for me, if needed. So now I am thinking at least once a week she can take KD to school, I can drop the baby off at the neighbor's down the street, and I can take one of my favorite exercises classes at the local gym that is from 9am to 10am. And then two other days of the week I can drop KD off and then when I get home pop in an exercise DVD and work out that way (if I can work that around the baby's feeding schedule as well). Or I can just be alone with the baby for a few hours with no pressure to do anything, that is good too... especially if I had a rough nights sleep the night before or whatever.
So, you can see, I am hopeful that things will be different in 2011. And I hope things will be better for everyone this coming year. I think 2010 has been rough on a lot of people. I pray God brings everything around full circle and we see the many blessings He has been planning for us to enjoy. God bless, and Happy hopeful new year!!!
My brother with the stage 4 Melanoma cancer did get into that clinical trial in San Francisco and the pill he is taking has shrunk his tumors and seems to be keeping them at bay. The down side is the side effects of prickly feet and sores on his head, but the Doctors are trying to figure out a dosage that minimizes the side effects while keeping his tumors shrinking, or at least keep them from growing any larger. And the bright side to all this, of course, is that he is still alive! He is such a strong person, able to handle a lot of pain. I can't imagine going through all he has gone through, but I am happy he is still with us... whatever condition his body is in.
My sister-in-law and her husband have been chosen again by another pregnant lady to adopt her baby, which is a girl! Which is very good... since the last baby they prepared for (and lost, when the birth parents changed their minds) was a girl and the room is not suitable at all for a boy baby. This time the woman is divorced, her husband left her because she got pregnant, and she has no family or the means to raise a baby. Very sad story. I am now praying that this time the birth Mom doesn't change her mind and that my sister and brother in law get their baby that they have been waiting for and praying for all these years. I don't know if I could handle seeing another baby being torn from their arms. But I am hopeful that 2011 is going to be the year that turns all this sad stuff around.
My husband will be leaving for his last 5 week long rotation with his current employer (knock on wood... that it will be his last). More than likely he will be giving his notice this time when he goes back and then we will either live off his severance pay for a few months, until a new job comes along or until JD's Dad has his company started. JD's Dad has been looking for financial backers, and it seems he is on the cusp of getting that money from some interested investors. So, I will be praying for that to all come through in perfect timing, for JD to leave his current job and hop into that job with his Dad when he gets home (at least before his severance pay runs out). And both JD and I are okay with saying, "Good riddance!" to his career as a pilot and the crazy rotation schedules and time away from home. I guess that may mean I won't be a pilot's wife anymore and I will have to start a new blog. Ha!
This last rotation JD was gone I went nuts a few times. I wasn't handling it very well. I found handling my daughter's tantrums and mood swings difficult while trying to juggle the needs of a baby at the same time, and trying to eat well and sleep well was a challenge. When I don't sleep or eat well I don't function well. I tried my hardest to find someone that can come into my home and watch the kids for a couple hours a day, for at least a few days a week, but no luck in finding such a person. I got tons of offers from neighbors and friends to take the kids or got references for daycare places that were run by friends of friends in their homes. Those kinds of offers are somewhat helpful. But I don't always want to be separated from my kids just to get the household chores together, or just to get a nap in. It would be nice to be in our own home all together and have someone around to just handle the kids and play with them or feed them while I either do some laundry and cook meals, or have some alone time in my room and take a rest or a mental break. It would be very very nice to have someone here at night when its time to put KD to bed. Its hard to deal with a crying baby on my lap and try to read a book to KD and rock both of them together, sometimes while the baby is nursing. And that neighbor who was around the prior rotation was either sick herself or one of her 3 kids was sick. She didn't help me ONCE! Ugh.... and KD and I both got sick at the beginning of JD's rotation away and at the end of his rotation away. And of course JD's parents were sick when we were sick, or when we weren't sick, or they were busy when I was at my end and needed a break. It was a horrible rotation. Plus JD missed Thanksgiving with all of us. But he did come home for Christmas, so I will take that trade off. (Although we did get JD sick when he got home... he had no chance, with the baby, KD, and myself all being sick.)
This next time JD is gone KD will be starting in a pre-school. They meet Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri for school and then Wed they do field trips. I have to work one day a week, since its a co-op preschool, and that day will be Tuesday. So, it will be very different from the last rotation with this new school adventure. Once KD is comfortable enough I can drop her off at 9am, on my non-work days, and pick her up at 11:45am. That will give me a couple hours of free time, I can even drop off the baby during that time at a neighbor's house or with my Mother-in-law if I want to do something "kid free." And my MIL is even going to get a car seat so she can take KD to school or be able to pick her up for me, if needed. So now I am thinking at least once a week she can take KD to school, I can drop the baby off at the neighbor's down the street, and I can take one of my favorite exercises classes at the local gym that is from 9am to 10am. And then two other days of the week I can drop KD off and then when I get home pop in an exercise DVD and work out that way (if I can work that around the baby's feeding schedule as well). Or I can just be alone with the baby for a few hours with no pressure to do anything, that is good too... especially if I had a rough nights sleep the night before or whatever.
So, you can see, I am hopeful that things will be different in 2011. And I hope things will be better for everyone this coming year. I think 2010 has been rough on a lot of people. I pray God brings everything around full circle and we see the many blessings He has been planning for us to enjoy. God bless, and Happy hopeful new year!!!
Friday, October 15, 2010
Need Prayer by the Buckets
So much drama lately... guess that is why I haven't had the time to write on my blog. My husband was gone 6 weeks this last time. I was home alone with a 2 week old and a 34 month old. I ended up hiring a neighbor lady, who was great with baby AD and my toddler, KD. She came and helped any day, weekday or weekend, any time I needed her. That was great, because so many times I was about to lose it. With the baby crying and needing to be nursed, and my daughter potty training and getting jealous of the attention and time I had to give the baby... I was going nuts. I didn't have much money to pay my neighbor, but she was volunteering to help me for free... so any money I gave her was appreciated. I just didn't feel like taking advantage of her help. By paying her I felt much better about picking up the phone at any un-godly hour or on the weekend and asking for help. And she was always happy to come on over. She only lives on the other side of the street I live on... one street over. So it didn't take her long to get to my place. But even with that stressful situation resolved that wasn't the end of the drama, much more to come.
My husband and I found out, near the end of his rotation, that the delivery of our son wasn't fully covered by our insurance and we owe thousands of dollars now! Plus, the two pediatrician visits in the hospital and the initial well baby check up wasn't covered at all. Come to find out JD's insurance through his company doesn't cover the new baby, and they won't add him on! If we want them to cover the baby we have to pay for the insurance ourselves up front for a whole year. So, we started looking for insurance in the states, instead of paying his employer for coverage. When we found a company to go with they all of a sudden decided to not cover new babies either, because of the new health coverage plan Obama is coming out with. I don't really get how all this stuff works, its just so annoying. All I know is our President's health care plan is screwing with our insurance companies and the ability of people like me to get health coverage for our new born!
Now we have submitted paperwork to another company to see if they will cover the baby before they change their policies. And of course, just after we did that JD's employer said we could pay monthly for baby AD's insurance through them. But we don't trust his employer and the insurance company they use anyway, and if JD gets a new job and we need to pay for coverage for our family our self then we need to get in the door now before the Obama plans take effect and the only option we have is to go through a government run insurance plan, which sounds like a nightmare to me. Well, this is only the beginning of the drama surrounding my life.
My older brother, the one who has stage 4 melanoma cancer, visited me recently. He was on a road trip that was suppose to last until he died... happy thought, right? And while on his way towards me he found out that he qualifies for a clinical trial that has a 60%+ success rate. So he was stoked about that and had to run off for more tests... shortly after arriving to my house on a Sunday, he had to leave Wednesday. When I saw my brother I was taken back a bit. He looks like a skeleton walking. He had no body fat and was very muscular before he went on this other clinical trial, which included chemo therapy and a trial drug. He lost 30 lbs and it aged him by at least 30 years, so now instead of a healthy 38 year old he looked like an aging 68 year old! His hair was growing in kind of patchy and was a strange dark gray color. And his beard was all wiry and salt and pepper gray.
Just before my brother left I took him and his girlfriend (who is amazing, by the way, and takes great care of him) out to dinner. The next morning they took off for San Francisco for the clinical trial tests. While on their way my brother realized he was missing his wallet. I looked through my house, my car, and called the restaurant where we ate... no wallet. It sucked for one major reason... I had just given him $100 from an account that I have for him of money from our Mother's estate, she passed a couple years ago. I was keeping it safe for him until he needed the money. He initially wasn't going to even ask for any of the money but I suggested he think about if he needed some extra cash for gas or food on his way back home. And then JD and I gave him $40 to help with parking when he got to his hotel in San Fran. So, now $140 was gone, and I didn't even need to be giving that to him in the first place, wish I just left the money suggestion to myself. And I took him out to eat and paid for the meal, if I had let him look for his wallet and pay for even a part of the meal he may have discovered his wallet had fallen out of his pocket, I am thinking it may have gotten lost at the restaurant and someone stole it and the cash inside. I feel like I made some stupid errors that caused this loss. On his way to the clinical trial, he was already stressed about passing all the pre-qualifying tests, he now was pissed off and cursing and feeling like God or fate or something was against him. I felt so bad for him. I now am hoping that the wallet turns up for him in his belongings. The restaurant manager has already said he would tear apart the booth where we were sitting to see if he can find it. I know I can't blame myself for this accidental loss of the money and his wallet and identifications etc., but I wish I could make it better for him so he wouldn't stress.
Then later the same day, my husband had just gotten home Wednesday after my brother took off (like two ships passing in the night), my sister-in-law and husband (JD's sister) said they would be bringing home the new baby they were adopting. She was born Saturday and they had just gotten the paperwork signed for the adoption and wanted us to come see their new baby girl. We were going to go with JD's parents, but then KD ended up still having a runny nose from her cold that she seemed to had just gotten a day before. So, I said we shouldn't go and visit another day when KD wasn't sick, didn't want the baby to get sick. JD's parents ended up going without us, and we were a little bummed about not being there for the baby's homecoming. And then later that night, as JD was giving KD her bath, we got a call from his sister, she was crying... that was not a good sign. I was getting nervous, wondering what had happened to her or the baby or both. JD hung up the phone and said he was going straight over to her house, Social Services were on their way to pick up the baby... the birth parents changed their minds and wanted her back!!! OMG! That was the worst news ever! I knew that was a possibility, but was praying constantly for that not to happen. JD was there as the baby was torn from their arms. Everyone was sobbing. Thankfully JD's parents got the news from him and turned the car around and went over as well. His sister's parents in law were also there, as well as her husband's sister. It was great that the whole family on both sides were able to be there for moral support and to counsel them through this rough time. I was at home with the kids alone again, which I was unhappy about, but I was more angry at the situation for my sister-in-law and wanted to cry.
I was able to get KD to bed, with no help from the crying baby. I almost lost it as he was crying and she was wanting to read this crazy flip out book while sitting on my lap, with the crying baby, and read it to her. It was just something I couldn't do for her... but kept it together after pacing KD's room and taking a deep breath. I told her I wasn't angry with her, but wanted her to help me out by choosing a "normal" book (one that didn't unfold into a mile long book and was hard to read while balancing two kids on my lap) and then I was able to get AD to stop crying long enough to read the new book to her. I was just upset because of the situation happening while I was at home. I wanted to run out the door with JD and hug his sister and hold her hand and be there for her and her husband. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful about being there with the kids, stuck. Seemed like a mini repeat of the previous weeks without JD home, plus the added stress of what was happening that very moment. I was not a happy camper. The next day JD said his sister and husband were feeling a bit better, but I have no idea how they could. I think they must be in shock and just all cried out over it.
Needless to say, that Wednesday was the worst ever. And it just capped off the whole stressful month before with a bang... but not a good one. I just prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray. I don't know why God allows these things to happen, but I have to believe its for a good reason and that my brother will beat the cancer and my sister-in-law will finally get her baby... and that JD and I will figure out a way to pay for all these bills and for the insurance, and that JD will get a better job, one that he isn't gone for a 5 to 6 weeks at a time. Until all those things happen I will be praying fervently. And if none of those things comes to be I will have to realize it wasn't God's will and I have to look for God's ultimate plan and meaning in it all. I know God loves me, and I won't let these things take away my faith in Him, and that in the end all things work for good for those who love Him. Amen.
My husband and I found out, near the end of his rotation, that the delivery of our son wasn't fully covered by our insurance and we owe thousands of dollars now! Plus, the two pediatrician visits in the hospital and the initial well baby check up wasn't covered at all. Come to find out JD's insurance through his company doesn't cover the new baby, and they won't add him on! If we want them to cover the baby we have to pay for the insurance ourselves up front for a whole year. So, we started looking for insurance in the states, instead of paying his employer for coverage. When we found a company to go with they all of a sudden decided to not cover new babies either, because of the new health coverage plan Obama is coming out with. I don't really get how all this stuff works, its just so annoying. All I know is our President's health care plan is screwing with our insurance companies and the ability of people like me to get health coverage for our new born!
Now we have submitted paperwork to another company to see if they will cover the baby before they change their policies. And of course, just after we did that JD's employer said we could pay monthly for baby AD's insurance through them. But we don't trust his employer and the insurance company they use anyway, and if JD gets a new job and we need to pay for coverage for our family our self then we need to get in the door now before the Obama plans take effect and the only option we have is to go through a government run insurance plan, which sounds like a nightmare to me. Well, this is only the beginning of the drama surrounding my life.
My older brother, the one who has stage 4 melanoma cancer, visited me recently. He was on a road trip that was suppose to last until he died... happy thought, right? And while on his way towards me he found out that he qualifies for a clinical trial that has a 60%+ success rate. So he was stoked about that and had to run off for more tests... shortly after arriving to my house on a Sunday, he had to leave Wednesday. When I saw my brother I was taken back a bit. He looks like a skeleton walking. He had no body fat and was very muscular before he went on this other clinical trial, which included chemo therapy and a trial drug. He lost 30 lbs and it aged him by at least 30 years, so now instead of a healthy 38 year old he looked like an aging 68 year old! His hair was growing in kind of patchy and was a strange dark gray color. And his beard was all wiry and salt and pepper gray.
Just before my brother left I took him and his girlfriend (who is amazing, by the way, and takes great care of him) out to dinner. The next morning they took off for San Francisco for the clinical trial tests. While on their way my brother realized he was missing his wallet. I looked through my house, my car, and called the restaurant where we ate... no wallet. It sucked for one major reason... I had just given him $100 from an account that I have for him of money from our Mother's estate, she passed a couple years ago. I was keeping it safe for him until he needed the money. He initially wasn't going to even ask for any of the money but I suggested he think about if he needed some extra cash for gas or food on his way back home. And then JD and I gave him $40 to help with parking when he got to his hotel in San Fran. So, now $140 was gone, and I didn't even need to be giving that to him in the first place, wish I just left the money suggestion to myself. And I took him out to eat and paid for the meal, if I had let him look for his wallet and pay for even a part of the meal he may have discovered his wallet had fallen out of his pocket, I am thinking it may have gotten lost at the restaurant and someone stole it and the cash inside. I feel like I made some stupid errors that caused this loss. On his way to the clinical trial, he was already stressed about passing all the pre-qualifying tests, he now was pissed off and cursing and feeling like God or fate or something was against him. I felt so bad for him. I now am hoping that the wallet turns up for him in his belongings. The restaurant manager has already said he would tear apart the booth where we were sitting to see if he can find it. I know I can't blame myself for this accidental loss of the money and his wallet and identifications etc., but I wish I could make it better for him so he wouldn't stress.
Then later the same day, my husband had just gotten home Wednesday after my brother took off (like two ships passing in the night), my sister-in-law and husband (JD's sister) said they would be bringing home the new baby they were adopting. She was born Saturday and they had just gotten the paperwork signed for the adoption and wanted us to come see their new baby girl. We were going to go with JD's parents, but then KD ended up still having a runny nose from her cold that she seemed to had just gotten a day before. So, I said we shouldn't go and visit another day when KD wasn't sick, didn't want the baby to get sick. JD's parents ended up going without us, and we were a little bummed about not being there for the baby's homecoming. And then later that night, as JD was giving KD her bath, we got a call from his sister, she was crying... that was not a good sign. I was getting nervous, wondering what had happened to her or the baby or both. JD hung up the phone and said he was going straight over to her house, Social Services were on their way to pick up the baby... the birth parents changed their minds and wanted her back!!! OMG! That was the worst news ever! I knew that was a possibility, but was praying constantly for that not to happen. JD was there as the baby was torn from their arms. Everyone was sobbing. Thankfully JD's parents got the news from him and turned the car around and went over as well. His sister's parents in law were also there, as well as her husband's sister. It was great that the whole family on both sides were able to be there for moral support and to counsel them through this rough time. I was at home with the kids alone again, which I was unhappy about, but I was more angry at the situation for my sister-in-law and wanted to cry.
I was able to get KD to bed, with no help from the crying baby. I almost lost it as he was crying and she was wanting to read this crazy flip out book while sitting on my lap, with the crying baby, and read it to her. It was just something I couldn't do for her... but kept it together after pacing KD's room and taking a deep breath. I told her I wasn't angry with her, but wanted her to help me out by choosing a "normal" book (one that didn't unfold into a mile long book and was hard to read while balancing two kids on my lap) and then I was able to get AD to stop crying long enough to read the new book to her. I was just upset because of the situation happening while I was at home. I wanted to run out the door with JD and hug his sister and hold her hand and be there for her and her husband. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful about being there with the kids, stuck. Seemed like a mini repeat of the previous weeks without JD home, plus the added stress of what was happening that very moment. I was not a happy camper. The next day JD said his sister and husband were feeling a bit better, but I have no idea how they could. I think they must be in shock and just all cried out over it.
Needless to say, that Wednesday was the worst ever. And it just capped off the whole stressful month before with a bang... but not a good one. I just prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray. I don't know why God allows these things to happen, but I have to believe its for a good reason and that my brother will beat the cancer and my sister-in-law will finally get her baby... and that JD and I will figure out a way to pay for all these bills and for the insurance, and that JD will get a better job, one that he isn't gone for a 5 to 6 weeks at a time. Until all those things happen I will be praying fervently. And if none of those things comes to be I will have to realize it wasn't God's will and I have to look for God's ultimate plan and meaning in it all. I know God loves me, and I won't let these things take away my faith in Him, and that in the end all things work for good for those who love Him. Amen.
Thursday, August 26, 2010
Love in the Midst of Misery
With crazy zig zag tearing and 4 sutures in my "lady parts" I had quite a challenging first week after baby was born. At one point I felt so much pain I was in tears and the next day my husband made a call to my OB Doctor to see if he could prescribe a pain med for me. I have been taking 600 mg of Motrin every 6 hours and that was just not cutting it for me. Thankfully my Dr. asked me to come in to take a look and didn't just give me pain pills.
When I went in there were a couple stitches actually pulling at and cutting into my skin. The Dr. was able to cut and remove two right there in the examination room. As soon as he did that I felt immediate relief. But he still gave me a prescription for some pain meds anyways, luckily so. By the time JD and I got back to the car I was about to pass out just from the pain I experienced when he found the offending stitches (he had to press on them and investigate the cause of the pain and that caused further pain). I took a Vicodin when I got home and after a good nap I felt much better. And I only needed one more later that night and since then have avoided taking anymore.
Just when I thought the worst was over, the next day I felt horrible cramps in my abdomen, causing me a lot of misery. I was laying in bed, having only taken some Motrin at this point, when my daughter came and wanted to give me a hug. I found myself in tears as my daughter hugged me, and this caused the poor sensitive girl to cry as well. She probably thought she had hurt me, because I had been telling her not to push on me or touch me certain ways for the past few days. I told KD that I liked the hug and the tears were good tears. It was like a healing hug from her. I can't explain the power of that hug... I have no words. I pulled her into my chest again for a hug and we laid there together and just breathed the healing in.
I decided to hop in the shower while the baby was still asleep, and after KD felt better again. I figured a nice hot shower would help the cramping and I hoped I wouldn't need another Vicodin for the pain. While I was in the hot water I started crying again, just letting it out. And while I felt the misery I prayed and thanked God for the love in my life. I have a wonderful daughter, a healthy new baby boy, a husband who is doing everything around the house for me... taking care of me, our toddler and our new baby, as well as cooking and cleaning! I felt blessed by God, even though I was in a miserable state with all the stitches and the pains that come with your body attempting to snap back into it's former shape. It's a pain that seems like it has no purpose, but it does have meaning. It is a necessary pain when you have a child. To get the family that we want and to enjoy the blessing of a new baby I have to go through this pain.
I don't know why, but finding purpose in the pain makes it more bearable. Like enduring the pain of labor. I didn't get an epidural with either of my kids. I don't need one, my labor goes so fast! When I am feeling I am at the highest point of pain its over in 15 minutes anyway, so why get some drug put in me for just 15 minutes of pain that has a good purpose to it? I can handle it, so I figure I don't need the epidural. I don't hold it against any woman who wants the epidural... if I had 12 or 24 hours of labor and it took me an hour to push out my baby I would want it too!! But for me, the pain isn't meaningless and something I just want to push out of my mind. Its a part of the process, feeling the need to push, feeling the pressure of the baby coming down... all of that is information that helps me know when to push and informs me of what is going on. The pain, like I said, has a purpose. Therefore it is bearable. Plus I know it has an end... it will go away, it is not for an eternity.
When I went in there were a couple stitches actually pulling at and cutting into my skin. The Dr. was able to cut and remove two right there in the examination room. As soon as he did that I felt immediate relief. But he still gave me a prescription for some pain meds anyways, luckily so. By the time JD and I got back to the car I was about to pass out just from the pain I experienced when he found the offending stitches (he had to press on them and investigate the cause of the pain and that caused further pain). I took a Vicodin when I got home and after a good nap I felt much better. And I only needed one more later that night and since then have avoided taking anymore.
Just when I thought the worst was over, the next day I felt horrible cramps in my abdomen, causing me a lot of misery. I was laying in bed, having only taken some Motrin at this point, when my daughter came and wanted to give me a hug. I found myself in tears as my daughter hugged me, and this caused the poor sensitive girl to cry as well. She probably thought she had hurt me, because I had been telling her not to push on me or touch me certain ways for the past few days. I told KD that I liked the hug and the tears were good tears. It was like a healing hug from her. I can't explain the power of that hug... I have no words. I pulled her into my chest again for a hug and we laid there together and just breathed the healing in.
I decided to hop in the shower while the baby was still asleep, and after KD felt better again. I figured a nice hot shower would help the cramping and I hoped I wouldn't need another Vicodin for the pain. While I was in the hot water I started crying again, just letting it out. And while I felt the misery I prayed and thanked God for the love in my life. I have a wonderful daughter, a healthy new baby boy, a husband who is doing everything around the house for me... taking care of me, our toddler and our new baby, as well as cooking and cleaning! I felt blessed by God, even though I was in a miserable state with all the stitches and the pains that come with your body attempting to snap back into it's former shape. It's a pain that seems like it has no purpose, but it does have meaning. It is a necessary pain when you have a child. To get the family that we want and to enjoy the blessing of a new baby I have to go through this pain.
I don't know why, but finding purpose in the pain makes it more bearable. Like enduring the pain of labor. I didn't get an epidural with either of my kids. I don't need one, my labor goes so fast! When I am feeling I am at the highest point of pain its over in 15 minutes anyway, so why get some drug put in me for just 15 minutes of pain that has a good purpose to it? I can handle it, so I figure I don't need the epidural. I don't hold it against any woman who wants the epidural... if I had 12 or 24 hours of labor and it took me an hour to push out my baby I would want it too!! But for me, the pain isn't meaningless and something I just want to push out of my mind. Its a part of the process, feeling the need to push, feeling the pressure of the baby coming down... all of that is information that helps me know when to push and informs me of what is going on. The pain, like I said, has a purpose. Therefore it is bearable. Plus I know it has an end... it will go away, it is not for an eternity.
Tuesday, August 24, 2010
Baby is Here! (the big story)
Ironically the same day I wrote the last blog entry I was actually in labor and didn't realize it yet. I had abdominal cramping when I woke up and was relaxing at home thinking they were Braxton Hicks contractions and waiting for them to go away. My husband had taken KD out with him to do a few errands and I stayed home hoping to feel better soon. But when I laid down they didn't stop. I decided to start timing the sharp pains when they hit, since they seemed to come and go, and at first there was no pattern, but kept timing things. I messaged JD on his Blackberry to let him have a heads up, just in case this was it.
I started timing things at 11:20am and by the time he was home, around noon, they seemed to be coming and going in a pattern. I was still unsure because I only felt sharp menstrual type pains and no rise and fall of labor pains, like I did with my first... there was a definite build up and a peak of pain and then a lowering and relaxing of the abdomen. But soon enough I started to get that feeling, that "I think another one is coming" feeling, and sure enough there emerged a pattern. At this point they were coming every 7 to 8 minutes apart and it was nearing 1pm. JD's sister arrived just as we were waiting for the contractions to be 5 min apart. JD and I agreed to wait until I felt two labor pains 5 minutes apart in a consecutive row before we left for the hospital. And by around 1pm I had felt that and we decided to head out the door. JD's Mom came over to go with us and JD's Dad took over KD watching and was ready to put her down for her nap for us.
We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me in to the check-in office. There I filled out and signed all kinds of paperwork. I wasn't in hard labor, thank goodness... but the check in lady said she would send me right to my room if I needed to. My contractions were soon just 2 or 3 minutes apart when we finally got finished with the check in process. By the time we made it in the the L&D (labor and delivery) room it was 2:15pm. I crossed my fingers and hoped this was actually it and that they wouldn't be sending me home.
Once the nurse came in and checked me out I was 4cm dilated... hurray!! I could stay!! JD said he thought I would be at 4cm, I was at that point with our first when the contractions were as close. But I felt so relaxed, and nothing eventful had happened yet (like my water breaking or getting that "bloody show" thing), that I wasn't very sure. But I was happy this was the real deal and that it was finally confirmed.
I continued through the beginning stage of labor with a smile and good humor, knowing that the hard labor would be coming soon and that I wouldn't be doing much talking eventually. My sister-in-law and Mother-in-law stayed in the room and were there for the whole thing. JD was wonderfully supportive, as he always is, and my in-laws took turns letting me squeeze their hands or rubbing my arm or leg or whatever they could do for me... such as getting more ice chips and whatnot.
We warned the nurse that I had quick labor with my first and that the Doctor hadn't made it into the room last time. So, by the time she checked me and I was almost 8cm dilated (around 4pm) everyone was placing their bets that the baby would be coming in 15 to 30 minutes. When the nurse called the Doctor she told him to come right over and not stop to talk to anyone (his office is across the street from the hospital.) And just when he stepped into the room I had the urge to push!!
I had to breath "who who who" to try to stop from pushing until he got his gloves on, but that urge to push is very hard to stop. When he was pulled up to me and set to go I was already in the midst of another contraction and starting to push. I was still breathing a bit and grunting and he said to stop all noise and breathing to put my energy into pushing the baby out. While we waited for the next contraction to come the Doctor said the baby's heart rate was dropping and if I did it right the baby could come out in the next push. So I concentrated all my energy on getting baby A out (his name starts with an "A"). I knew it there was no time to mess around and ease him out. So with the next push I said in my head, "C'moooon baby A____!" and soon he popped right out with a gush of liquid. My water hadn't even really broken before this point, I had felt a small trickle of water earlier and the Doctor (I think) may have pierced it somewhere in all this commotion, I heard him say something about breaking my water and then saying "her water broke" but I am not sure when all that happened. But no matter, baby A was finally here... at 4:15pm!
He was weighed and we all gasped as the nurse called out "9 pounds 4 ounces!" He was also measured at 20" long. Big boy!! Then the Doctor started stitching me up, he said I tore in a zig zag all over the place and ended up using 4 suture spools! He told me that was due to a few things 1. I had scar tissue from the tears my first baby caused me, which doesn't stretch 2. I had a big baby and 3. I had to get him out fast and didn't have time to ease him out. So, that is the "fun" and painful mess I have to deal with now. But I was happy to finally have my baby boy in my arms.
When KD was brought in to see me and the baby for the first time she was very excited. She wanted to kiss and hug the baby. She looked at me and said, "He came out!" So cute. I had been saying to her for a couple weeks, "Tell your brother he can come out anytime now." So I guess she picked that up from me. I am glad she was so excited and took to him right away.
The next couple days in the hospital I was in a very good mood and was able to get minimal rest throughout the nights, but that was expected... I was happy for any amount of sleep. Baby A has been a very good nurser, just like his big sis KD. He even stayed in his bassinet without crying (KD didn't do that), so between feedings I could have him out of the bed to get some sleep without worrying about him in my bed or trying to hold him while sleeping.
When I was released from the hospital I was very impatient and ready to go home. I had to wait for everything, the nurse to come in and do the papers, the wheelchair to get there to wheel me out, and then JD had a struggle getting the baby's straps tight on his car seat, and I was ready to see KD and have lunch! I got pretty restless at this point. When we finally got home I was happy to see KD run up and greet me and get into the house with Baby A. JD's Dad leaned over to me and asked if I wanted my sandwich (which he had picked up for us for lunch) and I was very eager and said, "Yes! Please... ASAP!" Haha. And so concludes the birth story of my very big boy!
I started timing things at 11:20am and by the time he was home, around noon, they seemed to be coming and going in a pattern. I was still unsure because I only felt sharp menstrual type pains and no rise and fall of labor pains, like I did with my first... there was a definite build up and a peak of pain and then a lowering and relaxing of the abdomen. But soon enough I started to get that feeling, that "I think another one is coming" feeling, and sure enough there emerged a pattern. At this point they were coming every 7 to 8 minutes apart and it was nearing 1pm. JD's sister arrived just as we were waiting for the contractions to be 5 min apart. JD and I agreed to wait until I felt two labor pains 5 minutes apart in a consecutive row before we left for the hospital. And by around 1pm I had felt that and we decided to head out the door. JD's Mom came over to go with us and JD's Dad took over KD watching and was ready to put her down for her nap for us.
We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me in to the check-in office. There I filled out and signed all kinds of paperwork. I wasn't in hard labor, thank goodness... but the check in lady said she would send me right to my room if I needed to. My contractions were soon just 2 or 3 minutes apart when we finally got finished with the check in process. By the time we made it in the the L&D (labor and delivery) room it was 2:15pm. I crossed my fingers and hoped this was actually it and that they wouldn't be sending me home.
Once the nurse came in and checked me out I was 4cm dilated... hurray!! I could stay!! JD said he thought I would be at 4cm, I was at that point with our first when the contractions were as close. But I felt so relaxed, and nothing eventful had happened yet (like my water breaking or getting that "bloody show" thing), that I wasn't very sure. But I was happy this was the real deal and that it was finally confirmed.
I continued through the beginning stage of labor with a smile and good humor, knowing that the hard labor would be coming soon and that I wouldn't be doing much talking eventually. My sister-in-law and Mother-in-law stayed in the room and were there for the whole thing. JD was wonderfully supportive, as he always is, and my in-laws took turns letting me squeeze their hands or rubbing my arm or leg or whatever they could do for me... such as getting more ice chips and whatnot.
We warned the nurse that I had quick labor with my first and that the Doctor hadn't made it into the room last time. So, by the time she checked me and I was almost 8cm dilated (around 4pm) everyone was placing their bets that the baby would be coming in 15 to 30 minutes. When the nurse called the Doctor she told him to come right over and not stop to talk to anyone (his office is across the street from the hospital.) And just when he stepped into the room I had the urge to push!!
I had to breath "who who who" to try to stop from pushing until he got his gloves on, but that urge to push is very hard to stop. When he was pulled up to me and set to go I was already in the midst of another contraction and starting to push. I was still breathing a bit and grunting and he said to stop all noise and breathing to put my energy into pushing the baby out. While we waited for the next contraction to come the Doctor said the baby's heart rate was dropping and if I did it right the baby could come out in the next push. So I concentrated all my energy on getting baby A out (his name starts with an "A"). I knew it there was no time to mess around and ease him out. So with the next push I said in my head, "C'moooon baby A____!" and soon he popped right out with a gush of liquid. My water hadn't even really broken before this point, I had felt a small trickle of water earlier and the Doctor (I think) may have pierced it somewhere in all this commotion, I heard him say something about breaking my water and then saying "her water broke" but I am not sure when all that happened. But no matter, baby A was finally here... at 4:15pm!
He was weighed and we all gasped as the nurse called out "9 pounds 4 ounces!" He was also measured at 20" long. Big boy!! Then the Doctor started stitching me up, he said I tore in a zig zag all over the place and ended up using 4 suture spools! He told me that was due to a few things 1. I had scar tissue from the tears my first baby caused me, which doesn't stretch 2. I had a big baby and 3. I had to get him out fast and didn't have time to ease him out. So, that is the "fun" and painful mess I have to deal with now. But I was happy to finally have my baby boy in my arms.
When KD was brought in to see me and the baby for the first time she was very excited. She wanted to kiss and hug the baby. She looked at me and said, "He came out!" So cute. I had been saying to her for a couple weeks, "Tell your brother he can come out anytime now." So I guess she picked that up from me. I am glad she was so excited and took to him right away.
The next couple days in the hospital I was in a very good mood and was able to get minimal rest throughout the nights, but that was expected... I was happy for any amount of sleep. Baby A has been a very good nurser, just like his big sis KD. He even stayed in his bassinet without crying (KD didn't do that), so between feedings I could have him out of the bed to get some sleep without worrying about him in my bed or trying to hold him while sleeping.
When I was released from the hospital I was very impatient and ready to go home. I had to wait for everything, the nurse to come in and do the papers, the wheelchair to get there to wheel me out, and then JD had a struggle getting the baby's straps tight on his car seat, and I was ready to see KD and have lunch! I got pretty restless at this point. When we finally got home I was happy to see KD run up and greet me and get into the house with Baby A. JD's Dad leaned over to me and asked if I wanted my sandwich (which he had picked up for us for lunch) and I was very eager and said, "Yes! Please... ASAP!" Haha. And so concludes the birth story of my very big boy!
Thursday, August 19, 2010
Final Days of Waiting
I am now 39 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy, the baby is due in 5 more days. I am very uncomfortable and ready for this little guy to come out! My first only showed up 1 day before her due date, but I am hoping this baby will show up a few days early. I would like him to come Saturday or Sunday... or even Friday (tomorrow).
Every night is a challenge to sleep, I am very uncomfortable right now. I have insomnia issues most nights, and I can't turn off my brain if there is anything left to prepare before the baby's arrival. I am very emotional as well. There was some drama earlier this week when JD's parents (who live two houses down from us) started telling us that Grandpa wants to be at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born. Which doesn't sound like a big deal, but what made it a big deal to me is that Grandpa is the only person we can count on day or night to be here to take care of KD while we run off to the hospital. Grandma is one of the people that I am going to allow in the delivery room, so she will be running off with me and JD.
So there was one night that I didn't sleep AT ALL! I was upset that the grandparents were making their plans and demands and I just wanted to get tot he hospital and know KD was taken care of. I sent off a long email at 5:30am describing "the plan" for when I went into labor, the times people could be at the hospital, and who would be allowed in the labor and delivery room and when. I also mentioned who would be available to watch KD if it was a work night versus a weekend. Anyways, after that I was told KD is a priority and so am I and all will be taken care of. But then a call similar to the one that made me sleepless all night came again to JD from his Mom. I was pissed at this point. I get it already, JD's Dad wants to be at the hospital waiting for his first grandson to be born.
After crying to a couple people (while JD was out of the house) I called a couple neighbors that are Moms and have watched KD before for several hours. One of them actually offered to help even if it was in the middle of the night/ early morning! This was amazing and such a great relief to me, I can't even tell you. I absolutely trust her with KD and I know KD is very comfortable with her and her kids. So I email JD's Dad and let him know these two ladies could be called to hand off KD to and that the one could even take her in the middle of the night. I just asked that he be the one KD wakes up to. I don't want her waking up in a house without her Mommy and Daddy and a neighbor not a family member. She may need some reassureance that her Mommy is ok and have everything explained about her baby brother being on the way.
So, now that that is all taken care of I feel much better. I don't have to worry if its a work day or a weekend that the baby decides to come, or what time of day. During the work week KD's Uncle wouldn't be able to do much if the time frame ran into the hours he has to be at work. He was the only other person besides Grandpa, who is a family member, that could be here when she wakes up and be a reassurance to her. I know that Grandpa is the go to person for KD and I can rush out the door with JD and Grandma knowing he has people I trust to call once KD is awake to take over watching her.
Now its just the waiting game. Every night I go to bed I wonder if that will be the night. And every time we make a plan to go somewhere or do something I wonder if we will be having a baby instead of making the appointment/ date. Its hard to keep myself busy when I feel so miserable (lots of pressure on my hips and sharp shooting pains in my pelvis when the baby lowers a little bit more...) but if I sit around the house 24 hrs a day it only makes the waiting seem even longer. A pizza/movie party may be in order soon... when we did that when waiting for KD she came the next day! And it was a great way to get my mind off the wait and to hang out with friends.
Every night is a challenge to sleep, I am very uncomfortable right now. I have insomnia issues most nights, and I can't turn off my brain if there is anything left to prepare before the baby's arrival. I am very emotional as well. There was some drama earlier this week when JD's parents (who live two houses down from us) started telling us that Grandpa wants to be at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born. Which doesn't sound like a big deal, but what made it a big deal to me is that Grandpa is the only person we can count on day or night to be here to take care of KD while we run off to the hospital. Grandma is one of the people that I am going to allow in the delivery room, so she will be running off with me and JD.
So there was one night that I didn't sleep AT ALL! I was upset that the grandparents were making their plans and demands and I just wanted to get tot he hospital and know KD was taken care of. I sent off a long email at 5:30am describing "the plan" for when I went into labor, the times people could be at the hospital, and who would be allowed in the labor and delivery room and when. I also mentioned who would be available to watch KD if it was a work night versus a weekend. Anyways, after that I was told KD is a priority and so am I and all will be taken care of. But then a call similar to the one that made me sleepless all night came again to JD from his Mom. I was pissed at this point. I get it already, JD's Dad wants to be at the hospital waiting for his first grandson to be born.
After crying to a couple people (while JD was out of the house) I called a couple neighbors that are Moms and have watched KD before for several hours. One of them actually offered to help even if it was in the middle of the night/ early morning! This was amazing and such a great relief to me, I can't even tell you. I absolutely trust her with KD and I know KD is very comfortable with her and her kids. So I email JD's Dad and let him know these two ladies could be called to hand off KD to and that the one could even take her in the middle of the night. I just asked that he be the one KD wakes up to. I don't want her waking up in a house without her Mommy and Daddy and a neighbor not a family member. She may need some reassureance that her Mommy is ok and have everything explained about her baby brother being on the way.
So, now that that is all taken care of I feel much better. I don't have to worry if its a work day or a weekend that the baby decides to come, or what time of day. During the work week KD's Uncle wouldn't be able to do much if the time frame ran into the hours he has to be at work. He was the only other person besides Grandpa, who is a family member, that could be here when she wakes up and be a reassurance to her. I know that Grandpa is the go to person for KD and I can rush out the door with JD and Grandma knowing he has people I trust to call once KD is awake to take over watching her.
Now its just the waiting game. Every night I go to bed I wonder if that will be the night. And every time we make a plan to go somewhere or do something I wonder if we will be having a baby instead of making the appointment/ date. Its hard to keep myself busy when I feel so miserable (lots of pressure on my hips and sharp shooting pains in my pelvis when the baby lowers a little bit more...) but if I sit around the house 24 hrs a day it only makes the waiting seem even longer. A pizza/movie party may be in order soon... when we did that when waiting for KD she came the next day! And it was a great way to get my mind off the wait and to hang out with friends.
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