Emotional Breakdown

Last night I had a rough time with KD. She was challenging me all afternoon, saying "no" to every request and refusing to obey me or do what I asked. I think this is a normal part of childhood and what kids just do, test their boundaries. But I don't like dealing with it. I finally put her in a time out, after multiple warnings to coax her into obeying me several times already, when we were about to head out the door and she had a fit about the shoes I had put on her. She had a melt down actually. So I said, "Forget it then, we are staying home and you can just stay there in a time out." Then I took off the shoes she was so upset about and left her there in her time out spot. And then while she was in a time out she threw herself on the ground and held one of her shoes and was crying that she wanted it back on. I came over while she was on the ground pouting and gave her one good swat on the butt, I was fed up with the whole show and she needed to know I meant business. Goodness! What goes on in that 2 year old brain of hers I will never know. One minute she hates her shoes and the other she wants them back on (probably so we could go out). And such drama over, what seems to me, nothing.

I was upset, but remained calm the rest of the evening while I got some dinner stuff out for her and told her she had to eat what I gave her or she would be going to bed hungry (we were on our way out the door for tacos). She was pleasant and cuddly with me and wanted my hugs and affection the rest of the night. I think she realized she was being a pill and she wanted reassurance that I still loved her and wasn't mad anymore. I was drained though, I was ready for her bed time to come quick. She did finally eat what I put out for her, 5 minutes before she had to get ready for bed of course. So, I patiently waited for her to eat and then ushered her into her room to get her pajamas on and read her books and all that. She still stretched my patience as she decided on one pair of pajamas and just before I was about to stop rocking her and put her down on her bed she said she wanted a different pair of pajamas. So, we changed, and then I layed her down and gave her hugs and kisses. Then, 15 minutes later she was crying for me. When I went in to her room she said she wanted her hair brushed (which I had done after each pajama dressing already). I appeased her and then told her it was time for her to sleep. I was ready to crawl into bed and just curl up in a ball by that point. My patience and my energy had been taxed to the max.

Then I ate what was left of my Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies (comfort food) and watched a brainless show on TV to wind down. While I was watching TV JD messaged me on my Blackberry and the subject came up on our plans for learning the sex of the baby. When he comes home (next week Thursday) we have an ultrasound the following Monday and we will most likely be able to find out the sex of the baby. He can't wait to know and I want to find out on the day the baby is born, or at least delay the information as long as possible. Maybe once we go shopping for crib stuff and start setting up the baby's room I will finally want to know for sure. But right now I am in no hurry to find out. And another person that is dying to find out is JD's Mom, almost more than he wants to find out. I can understand his desire, he is gone a month at a time and this would be a way to start bonding with his future baby and to connect to the pregnancy more. I get it. His Mom, she's just impatient and I don't know why it matters so much to her.

We had been talking about how to reveal the gender to me, and everyone else, and had decided just the evening before to find out this way: JD would be told by the technician doing the ultrasound what we are having. He keeps secrets really well, so I am not worried about him spilling the beans early to me. Then he will go out and buy a gift for the baby that is gender appropriate. (I had the idea of him buying either pink booties or blue booties and then he suggested a little toy or gift for the baby. Which is cute too.) Then, he will wrap it up and give it to me as a gift at a party with our family and close friends there. The idea sounded more fun than me laying there on the table with the gel on my belly and the Doctor telling us what we are having. We did that with KD, and it was fine, but I want it to be more fun and exciting this time.

Well, last night we were talking and I told JD that half the people have responded to the potential dates of the BBQ that they wouldn't be able to come. One of which is his sister, which we are both very close to. I don't like that she won't be able to be there. And half of the friends I asked couldn't come either, and the friends I invited are as close to family as it gets. So its all turning into a let down, in my eyes. I told JD I didn't want some half-assed party thrown together without the people we want to be there. I only have one chance to find out the baby's sex and I don't want it to be a disappointing affair. I want it to be joyous and exciting, I want people there anxious to find out what we are having and then to burst out with joy as the news is revealed.

So, after the chat I tried to go to sleep but I started crying. I wasn't sure if it was due to lack of sleep (haven't been able to get to sleep at a decent hour for several nights, and KD keeps getting up early these days) or if it was the pregnancy hormones or if there a valid reason for the tears. Was I really that upset that I wasn't going to be able to wait until the baby is born to find out? Why did it matter if I found out now rather later? What was the big deal?

I figured it out. I like fantasizing and dreaming about the possibility of having another girl, and then fantasizing about having a boy the next moment. When I do find out then one of those dreams is going to pop like a bubble. And I am not having another child after this, as far as I can help it. So if its two girls, that's it. Or if its a girl and a boy then yippee, we have one of each. And I am happy with either scenario. But its nice to wonder and not know and be able to have a little dream of each in my heart. I remember when we found out our first was a girl, a little disappointment came over me, because I really wanted a boy first. But then I was happy because then for sure I knew I was going to have the little girl I always wanted. With the next one if its not a boy then there are no more chances for another boy. I am not going to keep getting pregnant in the hopes of having a boy, I am not into that idea at all. I think that is crazy... we could end up with a house full of hormonal teenage girls! And one bathroom for them all to share! No way am I going to head down that road. Haha

I guess I think that by waiting for the day the baby is born I won't have a chance to feel that tinge of disappointment. I will hear my baby cry, someone will yell, "It's a ____ !" and I be filled with joy and love as I hold my baby and look at their face for the first time. It won't matter at all, the little boy dream or the little girl dream that is gone. They have arrived, they are here, and its all a new adventure to be discovered. Nothing but pure joy and bliss. That is the dream I have in my head about about waiting. And maybe that will be the way it goes, and maybe not. Who really knows? But its a nice little dream, isn't it?

So, there you have it. I am going to have to get over this dream thing and just deal with what happens with the reveal day and whoever can come to the party, and whoever can't, I will just have to be happy with what we get as a turn out. The important thing is that I am surprised, that there is no spoiler and that I have a few people to share the happy (and the somewhat sad) moment. I need a couple friends there that understand the little sad bit that will be there and be able to smile and congratulate me and point me towards happy thoughts about the future little girl or boy that is on their way. I know I can't change what he or she is anyways. Its not like waiting is going to change the baby's gender. And no matter what way I want it to go in my heart, at the moment I find out, it is what it is. And I know I will be happy with either way it goes.