Saturday, June 5, 2010

Good News and Bad News

My third trimester just started recently. The baby boy in my tummy has been rolling around and jabbing me in the middle of the night, making sleep a difficult task... thus the reason why I decided to get up and write in my blog at 2am. I have all the typical "joys" of pregnancy: heartburn, hemorrhoids, difficulty sleeping, occasional Braxton Hicks contractions, and the overpowering nesting instinct.

The nesting instinct is very strong in me right now. My husband just got home from his long 5 week rotation and we finally are starting the baby's room. It has been our office/ junk collector for the past 6 years. I haven't used the computer in the office for a while, pretty much since I got my laptop. The computer moves so slow I just can't stand it. You click on something to open and close and literally 15- 20 minutes later the computer reacts... very annoying. So the only thing that has been happening in there is bills gets filed, and mail gets stacked, magazines and other items that I don't know what to do with yet gets plopped down on the desk or floor until I have the time to get to it. And the closet is full of books my husband and I want to keep for reference for our jobs, and art supplies that I rarely get a chance to use, as well as the place where electronics seem to go to die. Why we keep phones and cords and boxes from new phones and electronics in there forever and ever is a mystery to me.

I have been very frustrated with not being able to implement my nesting instinct and clean out the office on my own, while JD was working this past month. But there is no way I could move all that junk out to the garage on my own, nor could I move any of the heavy pieces of furniture and file cabinets on my own. So, I had to wait patiently for him to get back home to help me out. When we started, a couple days ago, JD kept on getting side tracked with phone calls coming in and other things on his "to do" list, and I was getting very irritated and upset. I think that is part of the nesting instinct, the anger. For some reason we are mad at all the mess and piles, when in the nesting mode, and I don't know what that is about. JD was really starting to wonder about my sanity after a few things sent me into a tizzy and as I was muttering profanities under my breath at any little thing that set me off (very unlike me). He practically demanded I take a nap as soon as KD was down for hers. But in my defense I also had a very poor nights sleep the night before as well. I tossed and turned until 3am and only slept until 8am the next morning. But still, the attitude was pretty bad.

Yesterday we finally got the office to the point that I was hoping to get it to, and I felt lest irritable. All the junk is in the garage, and there is a "mini-office" set up in our dining room now. I have a little desk and our main file drawer in there. And the rest is lying around the garage in boxes or bags waiting to be sorted... practically calling my name to come out there and do just that. My home is an Interior Designer's nightmare right now. I would not call my home a showcase for my talents in that area. Wall to wall furniture, poor task lighting (on one wall in the dining room I have 4 lamps, and the overhead light is only ambient... of no use at all), kids toys shoved into every nook and cranny. Its really bad. But it is organized. And if that is all I can accomplish at the moment, then I will take it. The Interior Designer in me will just have to take a back seat to the Mommy right now.

Its interesting how the good and the bad seem to happen at the same time in my life. While I am happily buzzing around my home, making it a welcoming place for the baby due in a few months, I got the news from my Dad that my oldest brother's cancer has returned. About 5 years ago he had a huge chunk taken out of his thigh due to Melanoma. He has been regularly checked out since then, and unfortunately they found something. He has Melanoma cancer cells now residing in his abdominal wall. My Dad told me just a little bit last week and then this week I called my brother to find out further information, since he was having tests done and waiting for more news.

I was outside watching my 2 1/2 year old daughter play on her slide while I made the phone call. As my brother proceeded to tell me the latest news I started to get tears in my eyes and did my best to not let it show to my daughter, or to let my voice crack over the phone. He told me that chemo would not cure it, it would kill it off in 1 to 10 people but that in all cases it returned still anyway. And he said radiation wouldn't get rid of it either. So, neither of those things were viable options for him. And he said that he didn't know how long he has left to live. They are doing another scan in a month to see how quickly the cancer is progressing and will see if it has moved into any major organs, which at this time it isn't in any major organ. Its hard to take in the news and also have no idea how long you have left with a loved one. I don't know if he will be around to see his nephew be born or not, or if he will be around for many more years to come. It makes me want to fly him out here ASAP so I can be sure I see him at least one more time before anything horrible happens to him. I can't fly to him, and I am definitely not going on any road trips any time soon, and he lives in Northern California... which may as well be across the country.

At least he isn't feeling any pain. He said the worst thing is that he has a little less energy and that his appetite isn't as good as it was. But he is still active, hiking and teaching yoga. He is a very BIG outdoors man. He loves to climb rocks, and go hiking, and spend time in the forest camping. And he said he may be going off on his own into the woods sometime over the next month to collect his thoughts. I would be doing the same if I was him. He isn't married, he does have a girlfriend, and he has no kids. I can't imagine going through a trial like this in life pretty much alone. He does have me, our brother, and our Dad. But none of us live very close to each other. My Dad moved back to CA recently, so we live the closest to each other, he use to live in NM where my Grandma lived for a few years before she passed away in 2008. He is just about a 2 hour drive away now. My other brother and his wife and 2 kids live on the East coast, where he is happy as a clam and fits in very well. But I guess my brother has his friends, and his girlfriend (whom he lives with), and the forest... and the ocean. Plus he has always been an independent guy. Not a loner really, he attracts people like flies to honey, but someone who likes to have a lot of alone time to recharge his battery.

I guess I have the right to feel angry. Even if it is a part of nesting, I think some of it is knowing that my brother is dying... but not knowing how quickly this cancer will take him. And I feel frustrated that he lives so far away and I can't do much more than give him a phone call and tell him I love him. But I also feel happy that I have a baby boy on the way, and that my daughter and husband are around to keep me busy and loved. So, its all just a big jumbled emotional mess right now. Happy for the future of my family, and sad for the future without my brother. He is an amazing and talented person, I will have to write more about him later.


elsja said...

I'm so sorry :(

Anonymous said...

I am sorry too. I know I have been a bit distant whilst I have been dealing with all my own sadness, but my thoughts are often with you and I will pray that he doesn't suffer terribly x

Rambling Pilot's wife said...

Thank you ladies, I appreciate the thoughts and prayers.

Don't worry about it, Partner, I totally understand and have no ill will towards you about anything. You need to take care of yourself too.