Love in the Midst of Misery

With crazy zig zag tearing and 4 sutures in my "lady parts" I had quite a challenging first week after baby was born. At one point I felt so much pain I was in tears and the next day my husband made a call to my OB Doctor to see if he could prescribe a pain med for me. I have been taking 600 mg of Motrin every 6 hours and that was just not cutting it for me. Thankfully my Dr. asked me to come in to take a look and didn't just give me pain pills.

When I went in there were a couple stitches actually pulling at and cutting into my skin. The Dr. was able to cut and remove two right there in the examination room. As soon as he did that I felt immediate relief. But he still gave me a prescription for some pain meds anyways, luckily so. By the time JD and I got back to the car I was about to pass out just from the pain I experienced when he found the offending stitches (he had to press on them and investigate the cause of the pain and that caused further pain). I took a Vicodin when I got home and after a good nap I felt much better. And I only needed one more later that night and since then have avoided taking anymore.

Just when I thought the worst was over, the next day I felt horrible cramps in my abdomen, causing me a lot of misery. I was laying in bed, having only taken some Motrin at this point, when my daughter came and wanted to give me a hug. I found myself in tears as my daughter hugged me, and this caused the poor sensitive girl to cry as well. She probably thought she had hurt me, because I had been telling her not to push on me or touch me certain ways for the past few days. I told KD that I liked the hug and the tears were good tears. It was like a healing hug from her. I can't explain the power of that hug... I have no words. I pulled her into my chest again for a hug and we laid there together and just breathed the healing in.

I decided to hop in the shower while the baby was still asleep, and after KD felt better again. I figured a nice hot shower would help the cramping and I hoped I wouldn't need another Vicodin for the pain. While I was in the hot water I started crying again, just letting it out. And while I felt the misery I prayed and thanked God for the love in my life. I have a wonderful daughter, a healthy new baby boy, a husband who is doing everything around the house for me... taking care of me, our toddler and our new baby, as well as cooking and cleaning! I felt blessed by God, even though I was in a miserable state with all the stitches and the pains that come with your body attempting to snap back into it's former shape. It's a pain that seems like it has no purpose, but it does have meaning. It is a necessary pain when you have a child. To get the family that we want and to enjoy the blessing of a new baby I have to go through this pain.

I don't know why, but finding purpose in the pain makes it more bearable. Like enduring the pain of labor. I didn't get an epidural with either of my kids. I don't need one, my labor goes so fast! When I am feeling I am at the highest point of pain its over in 15 minutes anyway, so why get some drug put in me for just 15 minutes of pain that has a good purpose to it? I can handle it, so I figure I don't need the epidural. I don't hold it against any woman who wants the epidural... if I had 12 or 24 hours of labor and it took me an hour to push out my baby I would want it too!! But for me, the pain isn't meaningless and something I just want to push out of my mind. Its a part of the process, feeling the need to push, feeling the pressure of the baby coming down... all of that is information that helps me know when to push and informs me of what is going on. The pain, like I said, has a purpose. Therefore it is bearable. Plus I know it has an end... it will go away, it is not for an eternity.