The Ramblings of a Pilot's Wife

New Job

2012-02-27T13:21:00.000-08:00

JD didn't end up putting out the money for training. We both ended up feeling uncomfortable with going into debt for a job that we weren't even sure he would get much flying out of. The work could be good or it could be sparse. Not knowing for sure made it hard to commit to our previous decsion to do the training.

JD now has a job offer for a charter company. He is going to do an interview with them and go from there. The biggest down side is that there are no health benefits and I need the coverage. So I will be applying for a part time job that has benefits. I would rather not work, but if I have to work I would rather it be part time than full. With this new job JD would be making enough that I only need to work part time, praise God.

So here we are on the cusp of another chapter in our life and careers. I will update you again once things are finalized. I am just happy he finally has a job offer that is in the states and pays well enough.

Hello Again

2012-01-12T23:17:00.000-08:00

I don't know if anyone will start reading my blog again, but I figured I would try to update everyone and keep posting at least once a month.

My husband is about to go to training and pay thousands of dollars out his own pocket to get current on his certificates for certain planes. He is doing this in hopes that a company he applied to work for can use him for flights. This company gets calls from people with private planes than need a pilot to fly for them for a few days, or whatever the need is, and then the company calls pilots from a database they have. JD would be in their database and would hopefully get enough calls to merit paying for his own training. We are putting his training on a 0% interest credit card and we are hoping he gets to fly 12 to 15 days a month. Then he will be able to support our household and make monthly payments towards the training bill.

I didn't end up going to work part time after all. JD didn't want me to start doing that until we absolutely needed me to. For the past few months we have been living off his end of service pay. As of February that runs out, however, so hopefully this new gig will pan out for us. Or he will have to go with plan B and call a friend of the family that owns a car dealership and see if he can work for him. That would be quite a change!

Its been nice having JD home full time for the past few months. I am not looking forward to having to go days without him. I wish he could find a job that brings him home every night for dinner and to put the kids to bed. He has been cooking dinner for us all every night, he says he enjoys doing that. So now I've been spoiled and don't look forward to handling that on my own. I don't cook hot meals for myself when he is gone. The kids don't eat what we eat, they eat chicken nuggets and macaroni and cheese... so I usually make a salad or a sandwich or a frozen lean cuisine dinner for myself. Not exactly exciting stuff.

Oh well, I guess my perfect life bubble is about to end soon. I am not happy about it. But that is life. Someone has to work to have a house and feed the family. And someone needs to watch the kids and take care of them. Just have to suck it up and dig in my heals. I've done it before... for 35 days at a time, I can do it again. Hopefully this time it will only be a couple days or a week or two max at a time.

Changes... BIG changes

2011-09-28T22:58:00.000-07:00

My husband is going to be quitting his job soon... in about a week. That means he may no longer be a pilot. He is open to doing other jobs and being home more. He may fly here and there some as a contractor pilot, but we don't know for sure if that's going to open up for him as an opportunity. We are going out on a leap of faith that he will find a new job before his end of service pay runs out, and that will be in about four months.

The last time he was home I had wanted him to quit, but then he couldn't find a new job to transition over to. My husband made the point that at least he had a job and it pays well. I agreed that quitting seemed irrational and not the prudent thing to do. So I let him go back to work for 5 weeks... again. Then during this rotation he informed me he would only be home for 3 weeks when he got back and then gone again for 6 weeks because he would be going to recurrent training the week before his work rotation started again. I just didn't see how I could handle 6 weeks, especially after only getting him home for 3 in stead of 4 weeks. My ability to hold it together while he is gone is dwindling. I am lonely and depressed. I miss my husband, I don't like being alone at night while the kids are sleeping. I miss having him around. I am depressed by the daily routine of kids: wake them up, feed them, play with them or take the older one to school, feed them, give them a nap, wake them up, take them to lessons or on errands, feed them, bath time, book time, bed time REPEAT. The routine depresses me, I don't like it.

It hasn't always been this way for me but over this past year it seems every rotation my husband leaves it gets worse. And I kind of feel bad for doing this... but I told him that sometimes I think, "How can I get out of this? Where could I go?" Because sometimes I feel like running away from my life. I'm not really going to leave my children or my husband, its just a feeling. But again, you never know where the breaking point is and perhaps I am capable of doing something like that. I, of course, want to take action before that point comes. And having my husband come home and not work for 5 or 6 weeks at a time is part of taking that action.

When my husband heard my musings it concerned him. I don't blame him. I made it seem like I was leaving him. He said he didn't want to lose me to another man and he didn't want to lose his family. So that did make him decide pretty quickly that he needed to quit. I told him a few times that I wasn't actually going to leave him for another man. He said he knows that. But I sure did scare the guy! Poor guy. Either way, he needs to come home and not leave me alone anymore. I am too lonely for that to keep happening. I need my husband.

It will be stressful for us to have to look for jobs. I am going to have to work part time and he is going to have to figure out how to make ends meet with a lesser paying job. We do have high hopes that his Dad will be starting up a business soon. JD's Dad has been trying to get funding for his business for a while now, it seems like he is almost there... but we still don't have the actual money to say it's a done deal and to rely on. Once the money comes then JD will be hired to work for his Dad and we will be fine financially. But, in the mean time... as we wait for JD's Dad's business to start up, we both will need to find work.

So, I guess this means I may not be a pilot's wife anymore. But that is fine with me. And JD is ready to be done too. He has been stressed out with this job for more than a year now. It's wearing on him too. The time away from his family, living out of hotels and no home cooked meals, away from his friends and all comforts of American living. Then there is the way his company runs things, not good. Sometimes you can put up with all those things I listed when you work for a great company that treats you well. That is not the case here.

So, I guess wish us luck and say a prayer. This is going to be interesting.

July 29, 2011

2011-08-09T13:47:00.000-07:00

July 13th my brother Paul called me to say happy birthday. I was shocked and honored that he made the effort to call me when he was in so much pain and on so many drugs he could hardly stay awake. He said he wanted to see me and the family again. He even said he wanted to come out my way for a visit. I thought for sure that was never going to happen, but I assured him JD and I were planning on a trip out to see him early August.

July 20th was my brother Nathan's birthday and Paul did the same thing, he said he wanted to see him again. This prompted Nathan to hop on a plane right away and visit him the following week. I wish I could have done the same but JD was far away flying and wouldn't be home until August 2nd. My Dad was already out there to stay with Paul and his now wife, Ruth (another great story I should tell soon). Dad planned to stay there until Paul's final day. At this point no one knew how far off or close that day was.

July 29th My Dad told me the hospice nurse said Paul had maybe 24 - 48 hours to live and Nathan's plane was due to land that evening. He wasn't sure Nathan would even make it to see Paul, his breath was labored and shallow. I again wished I could hop on a plane to see Paul right away but I wasn't sure if I would even make it in time to see him if I did that and I couldn't think of who could watch my kids, since the in-laws were busy for the next two days.

3pm July 29th I said, "Screw it... I'm going." This was after a neighbor of mine offered to take care of the kids for me. Amazing when neighbors offer help like that. She has 3 triplets of her own to take care of, but she does live with her husband and parents to help her out. But my MIL suggested I call my Dad to see how Paul was doing and maybe rushing out there to see him wouldn't be worth it. I considered what she said about rushing out there to maybe see my brother one last time before his final breath and maybe not making it in all my rushing and also what scene I would happen on if my brother had passed and how would I feel about that? I called my Dad and he said he didn't think Paul would make it another hour and doubted if Nathan was going to make it. Nathan's plane was almost landed and he would have another hour drive to go from that point. The flight I was planning on catching left at 6pm and arrived at 8:10pm, so I just gave up at that point trying to catch a flight and waited to hear from my Dad.

Nathan called me once he had arrived at Paul's and said he was still alive but not talking. He asked if I wanted to say anything to Paul and he then held up the phone to Paul's ear. I could hear him breathing heavily. I told him I wish I could be there to give him a hug and told him I love him. I was sorry i couldn't be there with him and the family. I then spoke to Nathan again about my dilemma in my head over whether I should run out there on the next flight or if I should just stay home and be at peace with the fact that the last time I saw Paul held good memories for me. Nathan said only I could really answer those questions and there was no right answer. I told him I would call if I decided to come out there.

Later I called one of my best friends and she said I should go and I would regret it if I didn't. I started crying. She was right. It didn't even matter if Paul was still alive by the time I got there. It was about being there with my whole family during this time and not alone in my house with no husband and feeling distant from all that was going on. So I called my neighbor up to let her know I still wanted to leave and she came over and helped me look up flights, this was around 6:30pm. We found a flight that was due to leave around 9pm. I called my Dad and Nathan and let them know my plans. I could wait to leave in the morning or the next evening but I felt I wanted to at least try to make it there as soon as I could for the possibility of being there with Paul one last time before he passed.

I frantically packed my bags and my neighbor got the kids things ready to go to her house and then my in-laws came over to help. My FIL offered to take me to the airport, so I rushed out the door with my one carry on bag and hopped into his car. On the way to the airport my phone rang, it was my Dad, he said Paul had just passed away. I told my FIL to not rush and to just turn around and take me home. I hadn't purchased the tickets yet due to the last minute plans, so I could just wait until tomorrow.

Later I learned that the time Paul departed from this earth was 8:20pm, just 10 minutes after my flight would have landed if I had taken the flight earlier that evening. I would have just missed seeing him and someone else would have missed being with him in those final moments because they would have been picking me up at the airport. I was glad I didn't take that flight. It was meant to happen the way it happened.

I purchased tickets that night for a flight that landed the next day at 8:10pm, it was the most direct flight. And the next morning Paul's wife Ruth called me to let me know how peaceful Paul looked finally. No more pain in his face, finally. I told her I would be visiting for a few days and landing that night. She was very glad to hear that. I was glad I finally would make it out there to be with everyone. I knew, even if Paul was gone, that the family would need me and I would need them to deal with the grief of Paul's absence.

The following days we all spent together memorializing Paul in unique ways. Paul didn't want a memorial service where everyone stood around and cried over him. So we went to a burger joint to each lunch one day that was the place Paul and Ruth went to just after they got married. (They got married one month and two days before Paul died.) Then we went to the fair where Ruth and Paul had gone a year ago just after he had started chemo. Then we all decided to take a Bikram yoga class together at the studio where Ruth taught. Ruth's son was there to help teach a class while the owner was gone, so that made is special on another level as well. So there we were, Nathan, me, Ruth, and Dad all in a row on yoga mats. We had never taken a hot yoga class before (except Ruth of course) and I bet Paul would have been tickled pink to see his Dad in there... not to mention Nathan! Then the next day Nathan had to leave for home and Dad and I decided to take another Bikram yoga class that Ruth was teaching that day at another studio. The class was dedicated to Paul and there were people there that knew Paul and were touched by the experience. It was very special. Paul had taught at that yoga studio when he just first found out he had cancer. That afternoon I flew back home.

I had spent a couple days going through Paul's belongings and photos and found a whole stack of his poetry, he was very gifted. One that I found really hit home and seemed appropriate for the time.

My weight will be transcended
mended and rendered
molded and shattered.

Blowing together again
within.

Though the cloak
envelops me I will
peer through the weave.

My weight will be
transcended.
rendered and mended.

Heaviness leaves me with
my exhaled breath.
The future is an inhalation
my weight will be transcended.

P.D. Humphrey

In memory of Paul. You will be missed.

Words of Wisdom

2011-04-29T22:25:00.001-07:00

After learning my brother Paul was in hospice care I called my Dad and my brother Nate to see when we were going to all meet up for a visit together. We were all going to wait for my husband to get back from work but then JD called me and said he wasn't going to be home until May 20th instead of the May 4th date he was planning on. Since the schedule had changed my Dad and I wondered if meeting sooner rather than later was the prudent thing to do. So we called up Nate and asked when was the best time to get here from the East Coast in his schedule. The best time for all ended up being April 27- 30th. And of course once we had gotten that all settled JD's company decided that he didn't need to stay at work until the 20th and would be home May 4th. Oh well, at least this meant it would be a family visit. My Dad, my two brothers and I all together again. The last time we were together was at my Mom's funeral almost 2 years ago. So we were way overdue for a family meeting.

Of course a couple days before we were all set to leave I came down with a cold. The plan this time around was to leave KD with her Grandparents (JD's parents who live two doors down) and I would just bring baby AD. I was doubting if I would even be able to handle the road trip and if I would just be miserable and too sick to even visit while I was at Paul's. And then the day before we left KD's Grandma got sick! JD messaged me on how things were going and I started cussing via Blackberry messenger. I felt like I wasn't going to be able to see my brother, everything was against me and this visit and I had no idea if this was going to be my last chance to see him or not. My head was spinning and I was starting to freak out.

I had gone to KD's school that morning, despite being sick, to teach and I had forgotten my camera. KD was due to be special helper for the day and I had loaned my camera to another Mom to take pictures of her and I together at the front of the class leading circle time. This was just too much for me to handle, I was sick, Grandma was sick, the camera was lost, my brother is dying. I didn't have the keys to the school and I was leaving the next morning to see Paul, and I didn't want to have to rely on others to take pics and get me copies... anyways, I was unhappy. I finally got a call back from the Youth Pastor of the church where the school meets and he said I could come by and they would let me in and have keys to the classroom so I could fetch my camera (The Mom had put it in KD's bin for me to get it when I could). One crisis over. Now to think about what to do with KD if Grandma was going to be too sick to watch her. Do I take KD or not go or what?

Finally I remembered my neighbor offering to watch KD overnight if I had to run up to see Paul. So I called her and cashed in on the offer. She was happy to help out. I called Grandma to let her know but she said she could still watch KD and not to worry. But the next morning I got a call from Grandpa saying she was even more sick than the day before. Thank God I had talked to my neighbor the day before. I ran next door and told her I still needed her to watch KD and then I went and got KD all set up with an overnight bag. KD was so excited to be staying over with her little buddies next door, she had no problem saying goodbye to me. There is a little girl her age and another one a couple years older next door and also a little boy two years younger than KD. They all have a blast with each other. Crisis averted, now time to get in the car with the baby and my Dad and visit my brother.

We did the road trip all in one day, the baby did really well... slept through most of it. We went directly to Paul's place. When we stepped in the door my other brother, Nate, was already there visiting. It was nice to finally see Nate again too. We had a few good hours with Paul and then he just couldn't handle the pain and the small talk anymore, but at this point it was 8:45 pm anyways and time to get to the hotel and put the baby to bed.

During the next couple days there were moments when we showed up and were pretty much shooed off because Paul wasn't feeling well and in a poor mood. And then there were moments where we were all laughing and having a good time, or talking about death and crying and lifting each other up. In fact during one visit it was just my Dad and I with Paul and they were talking about the frustration of all this pain he was in and not knowing how the end was going to come and Paul was saying he wasn't the type to commit suicide or he may have gone for that route by now. I was sitting there with the baby listening and then started crying. Paul asked me what I needed to talk about, what was on my mind. I said I wished there was something I could do or that I had a solution for all of this and said it was frustrating. He said, "Don't think about what you can't do, think about what you can learn from all of this." I knew he was right, and I knew right then and there that those were some great pearls of wisdom.

I can't believe it! He's the one suffering and dying and there he is offering me words of wisdom! Shouldn't I be the one encouraging here ? Amazing. Truly amazing. He is such a special person. In fact tonight, as I hugged him goodbye, he said, "I'm okay. I know you want to do everything, but I'm okay." Almost got me crying again, but I held it together. There he goes... counseling me in my grief when he is on his death bed.

This whole process is difficult with Paul. I don't know how long we have with him, I don't know how this cancer is going to take him, I don't know long he is going to have to suffer. I don't know a lot of things. But I do know that there will be plenty of lessons to learn from my big brother still and I just need to keep myself open to those learning moments and keep showing him I love him. That's all he needs, for me to love him and to not worry about him. Hard to do, not worry. But I must say I do see that he is in good hands with Ruth, his girlfriend, and I also see he is strong enough to go through this challenge without his baby sister nearby holding his hand. I want to be there for him, holding his hand, but that's not my job. I'm going to miss my big brother. He is wise and amazing and I love him so much.

Brother in Hospice Care

2011-04-21T23:31:00.001-07:00

I found out today, via an online forum my brother Paul uses to keep everyone updated, that he started hospice care yesterday. He said he was all hopped up on drugs and in a hospital bed at home. It just hit me hard at that point. Like I mentioned before, I was on the edge of being a sobbing mess and that just did it for me. My daughter was at preschool and fortunately my neighbor, who was working there today, said she would bring her home for me. When my neighbor pulled into the driveway to drop off KD she saw me crying and it was good to have someone offer some words of support at that point. She even offered to watch KD if I wanted to hop on a plane and go see my brother. WOW! I really appreciated her saying that.

I called my MIL and asked her if she could take the baby and KD and give them their lunch, I needed to collect myself and not be crying like that in front of them. I also wasn't in the mood to make lunch and figure all that out for everyone. She came over right away and I had a chance to call my other brother Nate and let him know what I read, and then I called my Aunt (my Mom's sister) to let her know what was going on. It has been too long since I gave her an update.

I called my brother's GF, Ruth, to see what was going on from her perspective. She didn't answer her phone but did call back while I was at church for the Maundy Thursday service. She explained that Paul was really out of it on the drugs and wasn't sure what his post said, but that he is going to get the radiation treatment that he has been wanting. Apparently it was going to cost them a lot of money to get the radiation for him and then she called the hospice people and they are going to take care of the majority of the cost! I think they have to pay $1500 upfront and then hospice will pay the balance. That is great news! I have my concerns that the treatment will do more harm than good, but praying that isn't the case.

Paul has a very large tumor (about the size of half a gallon of milk) in his groin. That is causing him a lot of pain and also a lot of difficulty when going to the bathroom. So the radiation treatment is happening in hopes that it will shrink the tumor enough to give him some relief. It will probably just grow back, but he is hoping that maybe it will grow back in a different shape and not cause so much problems with his bowel movements. That would be nice.

Hospice has started treating his pain, which is good. He was in so much pain he was in tears when I saw him. But I hope also that this radiation will reduce his pain to a level where he doesn't have to be so heavily doped up and therefore not as delusional as he has been because of the heavy medication.

I pray and I thank those of you who pray for my brother.

Visit With Brother

2011-04-20T23:30:00.001-07:00

I learned that my brother got off the clinical trial. He wasn't able to stay on it and get radiation or surgery at the same time. He wanted to stay on the trial to keep his tumors from growing as rapidly as they do when he isn't on the clinical trial's pill. But alas, this was not an option if he wanted to do something about the main tumor that is causing him a lot of pain. After I found this information out his GF called the family and encouraged us to make a visit... quickly!

I was on Spring Break from teaching at KD's school, so I had the free time to make the drive up to see him. He is an 8-10 hour drive away up in Northern CA. But JD couldn't go with me and the kids. Although JD was home he was still "on call" for work. They didn't need him for the majority of his rotation due to plane maintenance and co-workers getting surgery or out sick. He didn't have a date for when he was due back, so he had to just sit around at home and wait while I hopped in a car and left to see my dying brother. How sucky is that?! My Dad said he would drive us there, so thankfully I didn't have to do the long haul driving and I had company. My Step-Mother came along too. I get along okay with her, but we aren't very close. KD was cute with her during the trip though. She wanted to sit on her lap or brush her hair for her, or would ask her to take her to the bathroom. Kids are good to have around when making a difficult trip. They keep your mind on happier things.

The drive up was split into two parts, so the first night we stayed at a hotel mid way up and the second night we were at my brother's place. During the drive the kids did fine. In the hotel room I was a bit apprehensive about how things were going to go. KD hadn't been traveling like that since she was 6 months old (and now she is 3 and a half!). And baby AD I have only done over nights with him in a hotel. But I haven't done both kids, and myself, all sleeping in one room. I got a room with two double beds but didn't know if KD would sleep in hers alone in a strange hotel. AD slept just fine in his pack-n-play crib. KD I had to finally just shut all the lights off and get in bed with her to get her to settle down and sleep. She was homesick and didn't want to be alone, but I warned her that after she fell asleep I would be using the other bed to sleep in. She did fine once she was asleep.

When we finally arrived in my brother's town we went over for a visit. He lives in a 5th wheel trailer that belongs to his GF. He was in bed and in pain when we got there. During the 2 day visit he was either in his bed or in a chair in a reclined position. And moving from one spot to the other was painful for him. At one point he cried and then I cried. It was so hard to see him hurting like that.

That second night I was in a hotel room that had two rooms, one for my Dad and his wife and the other had two beds for me and KD, and then of course AD was in that room with us. I was tired from driving all day and then mentally drained after seeing my brother and KD was saying, "I wanna take a shower." I had given her a shower at the first hotel so she didn't need another one, plus it was getting late, and I was very tired, so I said, "NO, not tonight." AD was also ready to be fed and crying his eyes out. My Dad and his wife retired to their bedroom and then all hell broke loose. KD started whining and crying, basically throwing a tantrum about not getting to take a shower, and AD was crying and wanting me to pick him up. I was trying to get KD to get ready for bed and take her clothes off and use the potty while I made a bottle for AD. Anyways, this whole scene started escalating and I tore off KD's clothes while I yelled at her to use the potty and then spanking her twice on her bare bum while she cried and refused to do what I asked. Finally my Dad came out of his room, as I was in the kitchen making a bottle for the crying baby, and asked if everything was alright. I started crying and saying, "NO! It's not alright!" And he then proceeded to get KD to calm down for me. These are the moments that make me realize I need the medication I started taking and the moments that make me think I need my husband home! Thank God my Dad stepped in and helped calm us all down. He even said I was a good Mom and that I am doing better than I think I am. That was nice.

I am sure I was just stressed and tired etc from the travel. But I hate freaking out on my kid and spanking her in anger. I told my Dad that if anything like that starts to happen again to remind me about time-outs. What I should have done is told her she had to get ready for bed or she would get a time-out. There is no reason for her to be in a fit and for me to yell and spank her without any warning. (At this point I wasn't feeling the effects of my new meds and was starting a new dosage. Obviously, it wasn't working for me yet. I started another medication in addition to that new dosage and now seem to be feeling much better. JD left for work a couple days ago and I have been fine with the kids.)

Back to the visit... We were all shocked on the second day when my brother decided he wanted to go out to dinner with all of us! He made it through his meal and then had to go lay down in his GF's camper/ truck. But I am glad he made the effort. I am hoping that he finds something to help him with the main tumor and the pain SOON! Talks of hospice care and plans for cremation were topics of conversation between he and my Dad, not something I wanted to hear. I am so confused as to what I should feel. I feel like I want to mourn but then my brother isn't dead, but then I realize he is in the process of dying. Very strange emotions. I feel like I am about to cry at any moment, just push me a little bit over that line and I am going to be a blubbering fool.

When it was time to leave I wasn't even able to give my brother a hug, it hurts him to even be touched. But we did an "air hug" and said we loved each other. It was good visit, but difficult at the same time. He was sitting or lying down in pain most of the time, but he was able to talk to us and have some conversations with a clear head. That is one thing that I don't look forward to, the day he is in hospice care and he can't even talk because he is so drugged up. I told his GF that if she wanted to move him down near myself and my Dad that I wouldn't object. I don't want her to have to go through those end days by herself. And I don't want to have my brother dying and in a place where I am unable to see him as often as I want. I want to be able to sit by his bed and talk to him and encourage him, even if he isn't able to talk back. I want to be there holding his hand as he journeys from this life to the next. I would want my family to do that for me if the tables were turned.

Of course the morning of the last leg, driving back home, I found out JD had to go back to work. This news was horrible to me. #1 It meant he could have gone on this trip with us! #2 The moment I got back with the kids he was going to be packing and heading out the door! He needed to stay at a hotel by the airport because he had an early flight the next morning. When I got home JD suggested we all stay at the hotel with him. I hated the idea of another night in a hotel, but I didn't want to miss out on seeing my husband before he left. I agreed to go with the kids, but then KD decided she wanted to stay at her Grandma's house (JD's parents live two houses down from us). JD actually let her do that! I was shocked, but I also knew KD was ready to be in familiar surroundings, and the next morning JD would be leaving and I would be in a hotel room alone with both kids to get fed and ready again. So I didn't object to her sleeping over at Grandma's. But this whole leaving right when I get home from seeing my dying brother thing just sucked. And not going with me to be an emotional support while visiting my dying brother when he could have (even though he didn't know that at the time) also sucked.

Sometimes being a pilot's wife sucks! Although the time he was home has been great. And I am blessed to have him home like that, around 24/7 with me and the kids and no job to go to every morning. And he has been kept home from his last two rotations. The last time he only had to work the last week of his rotation. This time he has only one week as well, after that he has to go to recurrent training though. We are still hoping he can quit his job soon. But for now I'm still a pilot's wife. Loving the times he is home and helping out full-time, and hating the weeks he is gone and I'm doing it all alone. Even if I have the in-laws down the street and great neighbors no one can take the place of your husband. No one else can take that role or fill his shoes.

Much Needed Update

2011-03-20T11:33:00.000-07:00

So... its been a long time since I wrote anything. So sorry about that. Sometimes Blogging is the last thing I even want to do these days. But I do need to add some news to update everyone.

First, very good news on my SIL! She and her husband did adopt a baby finally. The paperwork is final and she is all theirs! Such a little cutie, a head full of dark spiky hair, beautiful big eyes, and just the sweetest little baby girl one could ask for. They are truly blessed. I am so glad their prayers were finally answered and their search and heartache is finally over.

Second, my husband wasn't able to give notice yet during his last rotation. But we are hopeful that this next one will indeed be his last. It is interesting though... his last rotation in February got cut down to 10 days, instead of the usual 35 days. The reason is that he went ahead and got "the snip" and them a complication arose and his Doctor said it would be better to wait another week before returning to work just to make sure everything was okay. My husband was feeling a strange pulling sensation and got some bruising in his groin and the Doctor thought perhaps it was just an infection, but if it was something worse neither one of them wanted him in the Middle East dealing with it. His man parts were not going to be trusted with a Middle Eastern Doctor if he could help it. He called in and told them, and his boss wasn't too thrilled. There were two other pilots that were off line due to illness or surgery. But it was so so so fortunate JD stayed home because the protests in Cairo started a couple days after he called in sick to work!! JD stays in Cairo about 98% of the time when he is at work. I am so thankful to God that He worked out this for our benefit and safety.

Even after that week was up and JD was ready to go back to work they told him to stay home. There were issues with the planes he flies in his fleet, so there was no reason for him to go over and just sit in a hotel until they were ready to be flown again. That is why in the end he only was over there for the last 10 days of his rotation. And the only reason that even happened was that his work Visa had to be renewed and there was an English proficiency test he had to take (which is a joke, since he is American and is definitely fluent in English).

Third, my brother with the cancer... well, his tumors re-grew. But he got on another clinical trial and the pill for that one is at least keeping them from growing any bigger. The reason he started that trial is to qualify for the next pill coming out on the next trial. Once the next pill is ready he is going to take that one and its suppose to shrink the new mutated cells in the tumors. Basically, the cancer cells changed and the first pill that was working no longer works. So, that is good and bad news. He can't even sit up for long periods of time and he is in a lot of pain. But I am hopeful for him that the next pill will work for him and he will find some relief again. Prayers for him are coveted and I thank you if you would keep him in yours. His name is Paul.

I personally needed to go see someone about my mood swings and irritability, agitation, etc. I was concerned I have Post Partum Depression, so I saw a counselor at the hospital where I had baby AD. She said I do have some symptoms of PPD but the other symptoms that were really bothering me sounded to her like Bi-polar. My Mom was bi-polar and her brother is, and my middle brother is... so I guess its a good guess for me. I was also treated for hypo-mania (a mild form of bi-polar) before I had KD, but have been off medication for 3+ years. I got off of it to get pregnant and then my symptoms hadn't reared their ugly head until after I had AD. I also saw a regular medical doctor to rule out any problems with my thyroid or vitamin deficiencies. Although he did find I was low on vitamin D he said I probably needed to go on Lithium as well. So, I gave in and went to see my psychologist that I saw when I was treated before. She ended up putting me on a low dose of Lithium and I have been on that for just a few days. Its a low enough dose that I can still nurse, so that is good. She will check in with me in 3 weeks to see how I feel and if I need more or need to add an anti-depressant or whatever. I guess we shall see soon if this helps me. I think mainly the stress of my husband being gone for five weeks, being stuck at home alone when the kids are sick (which was most of February and is still going on now) and all the other stuff that goes along with being a pilot wife/ single mother of two is what has caused my symptoms to worsen with the bi-polar. My psychologist said that can happen. Life can cause symptoms to reappear and sometimes we just need an adjustment to get all the chemicals back in line. So, that's what I am doing.

I am ready for the kids to be done with being sick. But I am so happy JD is home to help out still. He has been delayed to work for 10 days, due to the plane needing maintenance. And that is good. A rain storm is on its way, and I don't want to be stuck in the house with sick kids and no help again. Hopefully I won't catch the strep throat that KD caught this time. And since AD is still on antibiotics from his last cold hopefully he won't catch it either. I am basically sick of being sick.

Well... that was quite an update. But hopefully I will do better with keeping this blog updated on how things progress. I do have more things to talk about, but this is all I can do for now. Time for lunch!! lol

Christmas 2010 Summary

2011-01-01T11:07:00.000-08:00

OH! And I just realized I didn't say anything about our first Christmas together in 3 years in that last post! JD finally was home for Christmas and it was baby AD's first Christmas, and the first time KD (who is 3 years old) even understood what Christmas was!

Jason and I decided to go ahead and let KD believe in Santa. I was raised in a home where my Mother hated Santa, didn't like to hear the song, "Santa Clause is Coming to Town" or anything! So I never knew what it felt like to believe in Santa. Jason's parents did let him believe in Santa until he figured out he wasn't real, and he has some fond memories from those years he believed. We are also telling KD about the real reason for Christmas, Jesus' birth. And I am telling her that Santa is giving presents to everyone because it is Jesus' birthday, just as we all give gifts to each other for the same reason. We read her two books about Christmas, "Twas the Night Before Christmas" (the classic poem with illustrations) and another one about the birth of Jesus.

It was fun to take KD to see Santa at the mall and have her tell him what she wanted for Christmas and then get that gift for her to open Christmas day. In my house my Dad filled our stockings and pretended to be Santa, even though we knew there wasn't a real Santa. He kinda did it with a wink in his eye, telling us Santa filled our stockings and ate the cookies we left out... but we all knew it was our Dad that did that. (I don't know how he got away with doing that much, since my Mom hated the whole Santa thing so much.) I had fun getting different wrapping paper and a big gold bow to put on KD's gift, so it would look like it came from somewhere else, and then seeing her eyes pop out of her head as she opened the gift that "Santa" had brought her. You only get a few years of your life with such innocence and wonder, what does it hurt to allow your child to believe when they still have that childlike ability to actually believe in Santa? Once she figures it out I won't be trying to force the belief on her, its just something fun to do for a while. And I am sure I will keep "playing Santa" like my Dad did, even after she stops believing he is real. And I will be sure to keep the focus of Christmas on Jesus' birth, even if we do "play Santa."

The only downer was that the Santa we brought KD and AD to see was rather grumpy. He took off his glasses and was rubbing his eyes between kids coming to sit on his lap. And we even got there right after his lunch break! You would think he got to have his break and would be refreshed enough to at least smile for the camera. But he made no effort to smile as the kids sat on his lap. He just held them there like a big lump and had a frown on his face. But I don't think KD even noticed. She was just in awe that she got to see Santa in person. And it will be a funny story and picture to show the kids in the years to come. And at least the kids were both looking at the camera and looked happy... and cute.

JD and I didn't have gifts for each other, but I am joking with him that what he is about to do in the next week is our gift to each other. He is going to get "the snip"... as we call it. LOL We both have decided we are done having kids. We have one girl and one boy, and they are both healthy. And my pregnancies were difficult on me, as were the deliveries (I tore very badly with both). I tell people all the time, if I were to get pregnant again I would ask the Doctor to cut me open and take the kid out, there is no way I would push another kid through my lady parts and be tore all up again and have all that pain and recovery that follows... not to mention the pain that comes with having sex again. It sucks when you want to be with your husband physically and you have pain down there that makes it almost unbearable. It makes me very unenthusiastic when it comes to being intimate again. I know I need to do that, and the more we are intimate the better it gets... but its like doing my homework. And who wants to do homework?! I just want it to feel good, not like work. I know, "TMI!"... right? Sorry about that. So... very soon JD will be laid up with an ice pack on his privates. LOL

And with that I again wish you a Happy and Hopeful New Year! ;-) God bless you!

A Hopeful New Year (2011)

2011-01-01T10:13:00.001-08:00

The last blog, if you read it, is pretty bleak. The news, not so great. But as we turn a corner and enter the new year the situations have greatly changed on all fronts.

My brother with the stage 4 Melanoma cancer did get into that clinical trial in San Francisco and the pill he is taking has shrunk his tumors and seems to be keeping them at bay. The down side is the side effects of prickly feet and sores on his head, but the Doctors are trying to figure out a dosage that minimizes the side effects while keeping his tumors shrinking, or at least keep them from growing any larger. And the bright side to all this, of course, is that he is still alive! He is such a strong person, able to handle a lot of pain. I can't imagine going through all he has gone through, but I am happy he is still with us... whatever condition his body is in.

My sister-in-law and her husband have been chosen again by another pregnant lady to adopt her baby, which is a girl! Which is very good... since the last baby they prepared for (and lost, when the birth parents changed their minds) was a girl and the room is not suitable at all for a boy baby. This time the woman is divorced, her husband left her because she got pregnant, and she has no family or the means to raise a baby. Very sad story. I am now praying that this time the birth Mom doesn't change her mind and that my sister and brother in law get their baby that they have been waiting for and praying for all these years. I don't know if I could handle seeing another baby being torn from their arms. But I am hopeful that 2011 is going to be the year that turns all this sad stuff around.

My husband will be leaving for his last 5 week long rotation with his current employer (knock on wood... that it will be his last). More than likely he will be giving his notice this time when he goes back and then we will either live off his severance pay for a few months, until a new job comes along or until JD's Dad has his company started. JD's Dad has been looking for financial backers, and it seems he is on the cusp of getting that money from some interested investors. So, I will be praying for that to all come through in perfect timing, for JD to leave his current job and hop into that job with his Dad when he gets home (at least before his severance pay runs out). And both JD and I are okay with saying, "Good riddance!" to his career as a pilot and the crazy rotation schedules and time away from home. I guess that may mean I won't be a pilot's wife anymore and I will have to start a new blog. Ha!

This last rotation JD was gone I went nuts a few times. I wasn't handling it very well. I found handling my daughter's tantrums and mood swings difficult while trying to juggle the needs of a baby at the same time, and trying to eat well and sleep well was a challenge. When I don't sleep or eat well I don't function well. I tried my hardest to find someone that can come into my home and watch the kids for a couple hours a day, for at least a few days a week, but no luck in finding such a person. I got tons of offers from neighbors and friends to take the kids or got references for daycare places that were run by friends of friends in their homes. Those kinds of offers are somewhat helpful. But I don't always want to be separated from my kids just to get the household chores together, or just to get a nap in. It would be nice to be in our own home all together and have someone around to just handle the kids and play with them or feed them while I either do some laundry and cook meals, or have some alone time in my room and take a rest or a mental break. It would be very very nice to have someone here at night when its time to put KD to bed. Its hard to deal with a crying baby on my lap and try to read a book to KD and rock both of them together, sometimes while the baby is nursing. And that neighbor who was around the prior rotation was either sick herself or one of her 3 kids was sick. She didn't help me ONCE! Ugh.... and KD and I both got sick at the beginning of JD's rotation away and at the end of his rotation away. And of course JD's parents were sick when we were sick, or when we weren't sick, or they were busy when I was at my end and needed a break. It was a horrible rotation. Plus JD missed Thanksgiving with all of us. But he did come home for Christmas, so I will take that trade off. (Although we did get JD sick when he got home... he had no chance, with the baby, KD, and myself all being sick.)

This next time JD is gone KD will be starting in a pre-school. They meet Mon, Tue, Thu, Fri for school and then Wed they do field trips. I have to work one day a week, since its a co-op preschool, and that day will be Tuesday. So, it will be very different from the last rotation with this new school adventure. Once KD is comfortable enough I can drop her off at 9am, on my non-work days, and pick her up at 11:45am. That will give me a couple hours of free time, I can even drop off the baby during that time at a neighbor's house or with my Mother-in-law if I want to do something "kid free." And my MIL is even going to get a car seat so she can take KD to school or be able to pick her up for me, if needed. So now I am thinking at least once a week she can take KD to school, I can drop the baby off at the neighbor's down the street, and I can take one of my favorite exercises classes at the local gym that is from 9am to 10am. And then two other days of the week I can drop KD off and then when I get home pop in an exercise DVD and work out that way (if I can work that around the baby's feeding schedule as well). Or I can just be alone with the baby for a few hours with no pressure to do anything, that is good too... especially if I had a rough nights sleep the night before or whatever.

So, you can see, I am hopeful that things will be different in 2011. And I hope things will be better for everyone this coming year. I think 2010 has been rough on a lot of people. I pray God brings everything around full circle and we see the many blessings He has been planning for us to enjoy. God bless, and Happy hopeful new year!!!

Need Prayer by the Buckets

2010-10-15T09:32:00.001-07:00

So much drama lately... guess that is why I haven't had the time to write on my blog. My husband was gone 6 weeks this last time. I was home alone with a 2 week old and a 34 month old. I ended up hiring a neighbor lady, who was great with baby AD and my toddler, KD. She came and helped any day, weekday or weekend, any time I needed her. That was great, because so many times I was about to lose it. With the baby crying and needing to be nursed, and my daughter potty training and getting jealous of the attention and time I had to give the baby... I was going nuts. I didn't have much money to pay my neighbor, but she was volunteering to help me for free... so any money I gave her was appreciated. I just didn't feel like taking advantage of her help. By paying her I felt much better about picking up the phone at any un-godly hour or on the weekend and asking for help. And she was always happy to come on over. She only lives on the other side of the street I live on... one street over. So it didn't take her long to get to my place. But even with that stressful situation resolved that wasn't the end of the drama, much more to come.

My husband and I found out, near the end of his rotation, that the delivery of our son wasn't fully covered by our insurance and we owe thousands of dollars now! Plus, the two pediatrician visits in the hospital and the initial well baby check up wasn't covered at all. Come to find out JD's insurance through his company doesn't cover the new baby, and they won't add him on! If we want them to cover the baby we have to pay for the insurance ourselves up front for a whole year. So, we started looking for insurance in the states, instead of paying his employer for coverage. When we found a company to go with they all of a sudden decided to not cover new babies either, because of the new health coverage plan Obama is coming out with. I don't really get how all this stuff works, its just so annoying. All I know is our President's health care plan is screwing with our insurance companies and the ability of people like me to get health coverage for our new born!

Now we have submitted paperwork to another company to see if they will cover the baby before they change their policies. And of course, just after we did that JD's employer said we could pay monthly for baby AD's insurance through them. But we don't trust his employer and the insurance company they use anyway, and if JD gets a new job and we need to pay for coverage for our family our self then we need to get in the door now before the Obama plans take effect and the only option we have is to go through a government run insurance plan, which sounds like a nightmare to me. Well, this is only the beginning of the drama surrounding my life.

My older brother, the one who has stage 4 melanoma cancer, visited me recently. He was on a road trip that was suppose to last until he died... happy thought, right? And while on his way towards me he found out that he qualifies for a clinical trial that has a 60%+ success rate. So he was stoked about that and had to run off for more tests... shortly after arriving to my house on a Sunday, he had to leave Wednesday. When I saw my brother I was taken back a bit. He looks like a skeleton walking. He had no body fat and was very muscular before he went on this other clinical trial, which included chemo therapy and a trial drug. He lost 30 lbs and it aged him by at least 30 years, so now instead of a healthy 38 year old he looked like an aging 68 year old! His hair was growing in kind of patchy and was a strange dark gray color. And his beard was all wiry and salt and pepper gray.

Just before my brother left I took him and his girlfriend (who is amazing, by the way, and takes great care of him) out to dinner. The next morning they took off for San Francisco for the clinical trial tests. While on their way my brother realized he was missing his wallet. I looked through my house, my car, and called the restaurant where we ate... no wallet. It sucked for one major reason... I had just given him $100 from an account that I have for him of money from our Mother's estate, she passed a couple years ago. I was keeping it safe for him until he needed the money. He initially wasn't going to even ask for any of the money but I suggested he think about if he needed some extra cash for gas or food on his way back home. And then JD and I gave him $40 to help with parking when he got to his hotel in San Fran. So, now $140 was gone, and I didn't even need to be giving that to him in the first place, wish I just left the money suggestion to myself. And I took him out to eat and paid for the meal, if I had let him look for his wallet and pay for even a part of the meal he may have discovered his wallet had fallen out of his pocket, I am thinking it may have gotten lost at the restaurant and someone stole it and the cash inside. I feel like I made some stupid errors that caused this loss. On his way to the clinical trial, he was already stressed about passing all the pre-qualifying tests, he now was pissed off and cursing and feeling like God or fate or something was against him. I felt so bad for him. I now am hoping that the wallet turns up for him in his belongings. The restaurant manager has already said he would tear apart the booth where we were sitting to see if he can find it. I know I can't blame myself for this accidental loss of the money and his wallet and identifications etc., but I wish I could make it better for him so he wouldn't stress.

Then later the same day, my husband had just gotten home Wednesday after my brother took off (like two ships passing in the night), my sister-in-law and husband (JD's sister) said they would be bringing home the new baby they were adopting. She was born Saturday and they had just gotten the paperwork signed for the adoption and wanted us to come see their new baby girl. We were going to go with JD's parents, but then KD ended up still having a runny nose from her cold that she seemed to had just gotten a day before. So, I said we shouldn't go and visit another day when KD wasn't sick, didn't want the baby to get sick. JD's parents ended up going without us, and we were a little bummed about not being there for the baby's homecoming. And then later that night, as JD was giving KD her bath, we got a call from his sister, she was crying... that was not a good sign. I was getting nervous, wondering what had happened to her or the baby or both. JD hung up the phone and said he was going straight over to her house, Social Services were on their way to pick up the baby... the birth parents changed their minds and wanted her back!!! OMG! That was the worst news ever! I knew that was a possibility, but was praying constantly for that not to happen. JD was there as the baby was torn from their arms. Everyone was sobbing. Thankfully JD's parents got the news from him and turned the car around and went over as well. His sister's parents in law were also there, as well as her husband's sister. It was great that the whole family on both sides were able to be there for moral support and to counsel them through this rough time. I was at home with the kids alone again, which I was unhappy about, but I was more angry at the situation for my sister-in-law and wanted to cry.

I was able to get KD to bed, with no help from the crying baby. I almost lost it as he was crying and she was wanting to read this crazy flip out book while sitting on my lap, with the crying baby, and read it to her. It was just something I couldn't do for her... but kept it together after pacing KD's room and taking a deep breath. I told her I wasn't angry with her, but wanted her to help me out by choosing a "normal" book (one that didn't unfold into a mile long book and was hard to read while balancing two kids on my lap) and then I was able to get AD to stop crying long enough to read the new book to her. I was just upset because of the situation happening while I was at home. I wanted to run out the door with JD and hug his sister and hold her hand and be there for her and her husband. It was hard not to feel a bit resentful about being there with the kids, stuck. Seemed like a mini repeat of the previous weeks without JD home, plus the added stress of what was happening that very moment. I was not a happy camper. The next day JD said his sister and husband were feeling a bit better, but I have no idea how they could. I think they must be in shock and just all cried out over it.

Needless to say, that Wednesday was the worst ever. And it just capped off the whole stressful month before with a bang... but not a good one. I just prayed and prayed, and asked others to pray. I don't know why God allows these things to happen, but I have to believe its for a good reason and that my brother will beat the cancer and my sister-in-law will finally get her baby... and that JD and I will figure out a way to pay for all these bills and for the insurance, and that JD will get a better job, one that he isn't gone for a 5 to 6 weeks at a time. Until all those things happen I will be praying fervently. And if none of those things comes to be I will have to realize it wasn't God's will and I have to look for God's ultimate plan and meaning in it all. I know God loves me, and I won't let these things take away my faith in Him, and that in the end all things work for good for those who love Him. Amen.

Love in the Midst of Misery

2010-08-26T17:34:00.000-07:00

With crazy zig zag tearing and 4 sutures in my "lady parts" I had quite a challenging first week after baby was born. At one point I felt so much pain I was in tears and the next day my husband made a call to my OB Doctor to see if he could prescribe a pain med for me. I have been taking 600 mg of Motrin every 6 hours and that was just not cutting it for me. Thankfully my Dr. asked me to come in to take a look and didn't just give me pain pills.

When I went in there were a couple stitches actually pulling at and cutting into my skin. The Dr. was able to cut and remove two right there in the examination room. As soon as he did that I felt immediate relief. But he still gave me a prescription for some pain meds anyways, luckily so. By the time JD and I got back to the car I was about to pass out just from the pain I experienced when he found the offending stitches (he had to press on them and investigate the cause of the pain and that caused further pain). I took a Vicodin when I got home and after a good nap I felt much better. And I only needed one more later that night and since then have avoided taking anymore.

Just when I thought the worst was over, the next day I felt horrible cramps in my abdomen, causing me a lot of misery. I was laying in bed, having only taken some Motrin at this point, when my daughter came and wanted to give me a hug. I found myself in tears as my daughter hugged me, and this caused the poor sensitive girl to cry as well. She probably thought she had hurt me, because I had been telling her not to push on me or touch me certain ways for the past few days. I told KD that I liked the hug and the tears were good tears. It was like a healing hug from her. I can't explain the power of that hug... I have no words. I pulled her into my chest again for a hug and we laid there together and just breathed the healing in.

I decided to hop in the shower while the baby was still asleep, and after KD felt better again. I figured a nice hot shower would help the cramping and I hoped I wouldn't need another Vicodin for the pain. While I was in the hot water I started crying again, just letting it out. And while I felt the misery I prayed and thanked God for the love in my life. I have a wonderful daughter, a healthy new baby boy, a husband who is doing everything around the house for me... taking care of me, our toddler and our new baby, as well as cooking and cleaning! I felt blessed by God, even though I was in a miserable state with all the stitches and the pains that come with your body attempting to snap back into it's former shape. It's a pain that seems like it has no purpose, but it does have meaning. It is a necessary pain when you have a child. To get the family that we want and to enjoy the blessing of a new baby I have to go through this pain.

I don't know why, but finding purpose in the pain makes it more bearable. Like enduring the pain of labor. I didn't get an epidural with either of my kids. I don't need one, my labor goes so fast! When I am feeling I am at the highest point of pain its over in 15 minutes anyway, so why get some drug put in me for just 15 minutes of pain that has a good purpose to it? I can handle it, so I figure I don't need the epidural. I don't hold it against any woman who wants the epidural... if I had 12 or 24 hours of labor and it took me an hour to push out my baby I would want it too!! But for me, the pain isn't meaningless and something I just want to push out of my mind. Its a part of the process, feeling the need to push, feeling the pressure of the baby coming down... all of that is information that helps me know when to push and informs me of what is going on. The pain, like I said, has a purpose. Therefore it is bearable. Plus I know it has an end... it will go away, it is not for an eternity.

Baby is Here! (the big story)

2010-08-24T23:39:00.000-07:00

Ironically the same day I wrote the last blog entry I was actually in labor and didn't realize it yet. I had abdominal cramping when I woke up and was relaxing at home thinking they were Braxton Hicks contractions and waiting for them to go away. My husband had taken KD out with him to do a few errands and I stayed home hoping to feel better soon. But when I laid down they didn't stop. I decided to start timing the sharp pains when they hit, since they seemed to come and go, and at first there was no pattern, but kept timing things. I messaged JD on his Blackberry to let him have a heads up, just in case this was it.

I started timing things at 11:20am and by the time he was home, around noon, they seemed to be coming and going in a pattern. I was still unsure because I only felt sharp menstrual type pains and no rise and fall of labor pains, like I did with my first... there was a definite build up and a peak of pain and then a lowering and relaxing of the abdomen. But soon enough I started to get that feeling, that "I think another one is coming" feeling, and sure enough there emerged a pattern. At this point they were coming every 7 to 8 minutes apart and it was nearing 1pm. JD's sister arrived just as we were waiting for the contractions to be 5 min apart. JD and I agreed to wait until I felt two labor pains 5 minutes apart in a consecutive row before we left for the hospital. And by around 1pm I had felt that and we decided to head out the door. JD's Mom came over to go with us and JD's Dad took over KD watching and was ready to put her down for her nap for us.

We arrived at the hospital and they wheeled me in to the check-in office. There I filled out and signed all kinds of paperwork. I wasn't in hard labor, thank goodness... but the check in lady said she would send me right to my room if I needed to. My contractions were soon just 2 or 3 minutes apart when we finally got finished with the check in process. By the time we made it in the the L&D (labor and delivery) room it was 2:15pm. I crossed my fingers and hoped this was actually it and that they wouldn't be sending me home.

Once the nurse came in and checked me out I was 4cm dilated... hurray!! I could stay!! JD said he thought I would be at 4cm, I was at that point with our first when the contractions were as close. But I felt so relaxed, and nothing eventful had happened yet (like my water breaking or getting that "bloody show" thing), that I wasn't very sure. But I was happy this was the real deal and that it was finally confirmed.

I continued through the beginning stage of labor with a smile and good humor, knowing that the hard labor would be coming soon and that I wouldn't be doing much talking eventually. My sister-in-law and Mother-in-law stayed in the room and were there for the whole thing. JD was wonderfully supportive, as he always is, and my in-laws took turns letting me squeeze their hands or rubbing my arm or leg or whatever they could do for me... such as getting more ice chips and whatnot.

We warned the nurse that I had quick labor with my first and that the Doctor hadn't made it into the room last time. So, by the time she checked me and I was almost 8cm dilated (around 4pm) everyone was placing their bets that the baby would be coming in 15 to 30 minutes. When the nurse called the Doctor she told him to come right over and not stop to talk to anyone (his office is across the street from the hospital.) And just when he stepped into the room I had the urge to push!!

I had to breath "who who who" to try to stop from pushing until he got his gloves on, but that urge to push is very hard to stop. When he was pulled up to me and set to go I was already in the midst of another contraction and starting to push. I was still breathing a bit and grunting and he said to stop all noise and breathing to put my energy into pushing the baby out. While we waited for the next contraction to come the Doctor said the baby's heart rate was dropping and if I did it right the baby could come out in the next push. So I concentrated all my energy on getting baby A out (his name starts with an "A"). I knew it there was no time to mess around and ease him out. So with the next push I said in my head, "C'moooon baby A____!" and soon he popped right out with a gush of liquid. My water hadn't even really broken before this point, I had felt a small trickle of water earlier and the Doctor (I think) may have pierced it somewhere in all this commotion, I heard him say something about breaking my water and then saying "her water broke" but I am not sure when all that happened. But no matter, baby A was finally here... at 4:15pm!

He was weighed and we all gasped as the nurse called out "9 pounds 4 ounces!" He was also measured at 20" long. Big boy!! Then the Doctor started stitching me up, he said I tore in a zig zag all over the place and ended up using 4 suture spools! He told me that was due to a few things 1. I had scar tissue from the tears my first baby caused me, which doesn't stretch 2. I had a big baby and 3. I had to get him out fast and didn't have time to ease him out. So, that is the "fun" and painful mess I have to deal with now. But I was happy to finally have my baby boy in my arms.

When KD was brought in to see me and the baby for the first time she was very excited. She wanted to kiss and hug the baby. She looked at me and said, "He came out!" So cute. I had been saying to her for a couple weeks, "Tell your brother he can come out anytime now." So I guess she picked that up from me. I am glad she was so excited and took to him right away.

The next couple days in the hospital I was in a very good mood and was able to get minimal rest throughout the nights, but that was expected... I was happy for any amount of sleep. Baby A has been a very good nurser, just like his big sis KD. He even stayed in his bassinet without crying (KD didn't do that), so between feedings I could have him out of the bed to get some sleep without worrying about him in my bed or trying to hold him while sleeping.

When I was released from the hospital I was very impatient and ready to go home. I had to wait for everything, the nurse to come in and do the papers, the wheelchair to get there to wheel me out, and then JD had a struggle getting the baby's straps tight on his car seat, and I was ready to see KD and have lunch! I got pretty restless at this point. When we finally got home I was happy to see KD run up and greet me and get into the house with Baby A. JD's Dad leaned over to me and asked if I wanted my sandwich (which he had picked up for us for lunch) and I was very eager and said, "Yes! Please... ASAP!" Haha. And so concludes the birth story of my very big boy!

Final Days of Waiting

2010-08-19T10:47:00.000-07:00

I am now 39 1/2 weeks into my pregnancy, the baby is due in 5 more days. I am very uncomfortable and ready for this little guy to come out! My first only showed up 1 day before her due date, but I am hoping this baby will show up a few days early. I would like him to come Saturday or Sunday... or even Friday (tomorrow).

Every night is a challenge to sleep, I am very uncomfortable right now. I have insomnia issues most nights, and I can't turn off my brain if there is anything left to prepare before the baby's arrival. I am very emotional as well. There was some drama earlier this week when JD's parents (who live two houses down from us) started telling us that Grandpa wants to be at the hospital waiting for the baby to be born. Which doesn't sound like a big deal, but what made it a big deal to me is that Grandpa is the only person we can count on day or night to be here to take care of KD while we run off to the hospital. Grandma is one of the people that I am going to allow in the delivery room, so she will be running off with me and JD.

So there was one night that I didn't sleep AT ALL! I was upset that the grandparents were making their plans and demands and I just wanted to get tot he hospital and know KD was taken care of. I sent off a long email at 5:30am describing "the plan" for when I went into labor, the times people could be at the hospital, and who would be allowed in the labor and delivery room and when. I also mentioned who would be available to watch KD if it was a work night versus a weekend. Anyways, after that I was told KD is a priority and so am I and all will be taken care of. But then a call similar to the one that made me sleepless all night came again to JD from his Mom. I was pissed at this point. I get it already, JD's Dad wants to be at the hospital waiting for his first grandson to be born.

After crying to a couple people (while JD was out of the house) I called a couple neighbors that are Moms and have watched KD before for several hours. One of them actually offered to help even if it was in the middle of the night/ early morning! This was amazing and such a great relief to me, I can't even tell you. I absolutely trust her with KD and I know KD is very comfortable with her and her kids. So I email JD's Dad and let him know these two ladies could be called to hand off KD to and that the one could even take her in the middle of the night. I just asked that he be the one KD wakes up to. I don't want her waking up in a house without her Mommy and Daddy and a neighbor not a family member. She may need some reassureance that her Mommy is ok and have everything explained about her baby brother being on the way.

So, now that that is all taken care of I feel much better. I don't have to worry if its a work day or a weekend that the baby decides to come, or what time of day. During the work week KD's Uncle wouldn't be able to do much if the time frame ran into the hours he has to be at work. He was the only other person besides Grandpa, who is a family member, that could be here when she wakes up and be a reassurance to her. I know that Grandpa is the go to person for KD and I can rush out the door with JD and Grandma knowing he has people I trust to call once KD is awake to take over watching her.

Now its just the waiting game. Every night I go to bed I wonder if that will be the night. And every time we make a plan to go somewhere or do something I wonder if we will be having a baby instead of making the appointment/ date. Its hard to keep myself busy when I feel so miserable (lots of pressure on my hips and sharp shooting pains in my pelvis when the baby lowers a little bit more...) but if I sit around the house 24 hrs a day it only makes the waiting seem even longer. A pizza/movie party may be in order soon... when we did that when waiting for KD she came the next day! And it was a great way to get my mind off the wait and to hang out with friends.

Bad Preggie Day

2010-07-25T23:07:00.000-07:00

Thursday I woke up and took KD to Vacation Bible School (VBS) at church. I started having a Braxton Hicks contraction as soon as I dropped her off. BH contractions usually don't happen to me until around 6pm at night. They have been doing that pretty steadily for around a month now. It freaked me out at first, that I was doing to much... but they seemed to come whether or not I did a lot that day or did nothing. So I just gave into the fact that that was going to be happening on a regular basis. Fortunately I have had help for most of July, while JD is gone, in the evenings. A friend has been staying with me and helping with dinner, cleaning dishes, picking up toys, wiping down surfaces with cleansers that I wish to not inhale right now, and giving KD her baths and getting her in her PJs. All stuff that adds up to a lot for me right now.

Anyways, as I was saying... Thursday the BHs were coming every hour or so and only would go away if I laid down. I picked up KD from VBS at noon and then after lunch we both took a long nap. That evening happened to be one where my friend wasn't going to be home until late. So, I was trying my best to cope with the stomach tightening at every move and feeding KD and getting her ready for bed. But when it got to be KD's bed time I couldn't even bend down to get her PJs on her and I just sat down in the rocking recliner in the living room. She was playing around me, having a good time, and as my stomach was tightening she ran over to me and simply bent her head down and tapped into my hands that were laying on my belly. The simple tap of her head sent this searing pain through my belly and I just had to cry. I couldn't help it, it hurt that much! Poor kid, she said sorry and gave me kisses, and wiped tears off my cheek. (She is so stinkin' sweet.) I assured her it wasn't her fault and she didn't do anything wrong to apologize for, but I appreciated the hugs and kisses.

At that point I decided my ability to get KD ready for bed just wasn't going to happen. I called my in-laws two houses down. Thank God for them being so close. I try not to bother them unless I really need them (or I would be calling every day, every minute). Grandma was ready and willing to come to my rescue. I got to lay down in bed as she dressed KD and rocked her for a while to calm her down.

Unfortunately it got to be 10pm at night and KD was still up with Grandma in the living room. I walked out there wondering when Grandma was going to be taking KD into her room to put her into bed. I guess she was waiting for my friend to come home and help out??? Anyways, at that point I said I would take KD to her room and do the deed myself. Grandma offered to stay just in case I needed help, which was good. I told her that if KD was running around and not calming down there was no way I was going to be dealing with that. I was just going to turn on KD's music and rock her with the lights out for a couple songs and then put her into bed, that was it. If I had to get out of that rocking chair I was going to go grab Grandma and have her deal with getting KD settled back down and putting her into bed. Fortunately KD actually did go straight to bed after the few minutes of rocking. So, I guess Grandma needed a bit more instruction on what I wanted and needed her to do. But at least the intentions of helping me were there. I tried to not let it get to me too much.

That night my friend came home with another close friend to stay the night. They were staying over because the next day they were throwing a baby shower for me. It was just easier for everything to get done if they stayed, and I didn't mind that! And as it happened I needed the extra help all day the next day to rest and recuperate from Thursday.

What did peeve me off a bit was the next morning... the "other close friend" that I mentioned informed me that my husband had posted "worried" as his status on Facebook and she then started instant messaging him to see why. Well, its because Grandma (my husband's mother, the worrier) decided to freak him out and say I was having contractions the night before and was in a lot of pain. She was thinking I was going to go into labor, or that I had pre-eclampsia or whatever. And he is on the other side of the world and can't do anything about it. UGH! Since when did she become a doctor? She does this a lot, she diagnoses you with something instead of being calm and just saying, "Call the doctor." I had told her the night before that my Doctor knows about the BHs and his instructions were, "If they go away when you sit or lay down you are fine. If you start feeling them 5 minutes apart for an hour then go to the hospital." And the only reason I was in pain was because KD tapped her head against my belly at the same moment my stomach was getting hard as a basketball. The BHs are annoying, but not THAT painful.

So I had to start messaging JD that I was okay and that his Mom was over reacting. His Mom, while I was talking to him, called and asked if she could bring over her blood pressure machine for me. I said, "Whatever helps you sleep at night." I knew it would be fine. And after she took it she said, "Its good... now we know its not pre-eclampsia." LOL!! I just had to laugh at the woman. Again, at least she means well. Better that she is over protective than not care about me at all. But the down side is that she has sent my husband into worry mode. So I gave the Doctor's office a call and talked to the nurse. She said everything that I was saying about it and mentioned a couple practical tips. She said being dehydrated can irritate the uterus too, so make sure to drink plenty of water. And I must admit, the day before I didn't drink much water. I had helped out at VBS that one day... Wednesday, and though I just sat for 3 hours pushing a soundtrack button and occasionally stood to write on a white board or pass out a snack, I didn't do much at all! But what I didn't do, and should have, was drink anything or eat anything during those few hours. And even though that doesn't sound like a big deal, for me at 36 weeks preggers it apparently was a big deal. My body was just yelling at me the next day to take it easy. The nurse also said that me taking care of a toddler on my own (for the majority of the day and month) takes its toll and I am probably doing too much. She said, "Let your friends and in-laws do the laundry, wash the dishes, cook dinner, and pick up the toys." I was thinking, yeah right. I mean, I have my friend there doing that most nights, but not all. And my in-laws can't baby me all day long and do my house work and take care of KD for me. I take advantage of the help when I can, but its not around 24/7!! At this point I would need JD to come back home for that kind of help. And he won't be back for another week and a half.

I guess I will have to figure out how to pare things down as best I can, not over work myself (even though it seems like I am barely doing anything already), and drink plenty of water and get as much rest as possible. I have called friends and neighbors, and signed up Grandma, for time to take KD for a few hours or to come over and make dinner or help out as needed during the day or night. Hopefully the few hours of help a day will be enough to keep the all day BH contractions at bay. I don't want to trigger early labor... baby has to stay put until Daddy comes home! The nurse told me at this point if I do go into labor they won't stop it, the baby is at a point that he would be fine if he came early. But I won't be!! And JD would be so upset if he missed the birth of his son when he was planning on being home 20 days before the due date anyways! OMG... don't let that happen! I just have to make it through a little while longer and then all will be fine. JD will take care of me and KD and our baby will be born at full term, as he is meant to be.

A Toddler's Imagination

2010-07-18T22:21:00.000-07:00

Tonight, as I was rocking KD in her room before bed, KD told me about a dream she had. She started out with a comment, "Cars don't fit in my room." I said, "No, you are right, they don't." (This was from a conversation over a week ago that I had with her when she heard loud cars or motorcycles outside. I told her that she didn't need to be afraid of loud cars because even if the sound scares her the cars don't fit in the house, they can't fit in our house. They stay on the street.) Then she started talking about a green car that fell upside down and hit her closet doors and got a boo boo on it. Then she said there was also a pink car, a yellow car, and a blue car there too. I said, "A green car was in your room and hit your closet doors?" And she said, "Yeah!" I told her that was a dream, and that she is right about cars not being able to fit in her room. I told her it was her imagination and when she wakes up it ends and she can go back to sleep knowing it was just a dream and she is okay. Then she told me more. "I was at the beach and I saw a dolphin. I waved, 'H!i' Then a whale jumped out of the water and flew over my head and got my hand." I wasn't sure if she meant he bit her hand or what, but she would just repeat that he "got it." Then she said the dolphin turned a pink color. I asked her if the dolphin and whale dream made her feel happy or sad, she said it made her feel sad. So I knew that was another bad dream she must have had.

No wonder she has been waking up crying at night! What a wild and vivid imagination she has. I've been trying to get her to talk about her bad dreams when she wakes up, but she usually says nothing. But I am able to calm her down pretty quickly and get her back to sleep in 5 minutes or less. I am glad she finally talked about her bad dreams, I was wondering what was going on in that head of hers. And this way we can talk about what is real versus what is imagined and how to handle bad dreams. I also found her imagination fascinating.

You would think I was letting her watch cop shows and shark week on the National Geographic channel!

33 Weeks and Counting

2010-07-07T22:01:00.001-07:00

I have just about competed 33 weeks of pregnancy. I can't believe I only have 7 weeks to go until I meet my baby boy! Amazing how time flies! I still have issues with sleep. Last few nights have been really rough. Two nights ago I didn't even get a wink of sleep until after 4am. Last night I fell asleep after midnight sometime, but then KD decided to wake up just before 6am and I wasn't ready to get up. After a few nights of poor sleep its seems to get all backed up on you. I was able to get a snooze on the couch while she ate her breakfast, and then she snuggled up next to me and ended up sleeping a little too.

After being up today for a few hours I still felt like I could fall asleep any second and wasn't very entertaining for KD. She was getting bored (tossing around crayons and toys) and not listening to me when I said to stop doing something she shouldn't. I decided to call a neighbor for some interventions before I went nuts and KD ended up getting time outs or spankings for poor behavior. Thankfully I found a neighbor home and willing to take KD on an outing with her two kids and another neighbor's kid that she was doing anyways. I got to stay home and sleep for a couple hours and then she said after KD's nap I could bring her over again, if I needed more time to recoup. So I ended up taking her up on that offer as well and had KD stay over at her house until dinner time. That woman is a Godsend... a veritable saint! I am so blessed to have her as my neighbor.

Besides my own sleep issues, KD has been waking up crying almost every night. I think she is having nightmares, but I have no idea how to help her stop. Last night she said something about falling, so perhaps she is having that dream where you feel like you are falling, and then waking up in a dark room feeling disoriented? I go in and rock her for a few minutes and she is okay again, but I feel so helpless. I may go find a night light for her soon and see if that helps. If she wakes up and sees familiar surroundings perhaps that will help soothe her and just go back to sleep on her own. Unfortunately, many times she wakes up just when I am about to fall asleep myself, or even before I get any sleep at all! Like the night I didn't sleep until after 4am, she woke up with a nightmare. That doesn't really help me sleep too well, my heart races when I hear that cry. Its so guttural and I can tell she is frightened and needs me. It makes me really feel empathy for her when she cries like that. I hope these bad dreams end soon for her.

JD left for his 35 day rotation again just last week. I have a friend coming over at night to stay with me this week. She has to go out of town for work next week, but will be back for another week, and then gone again for about 5 days, then back again until JD is home. I was happy for her help, even if she has to leave for work a couple weeks this month. Since Braxton Hicks contractions seem to be hitting me in the evening I am letting her do any bending, stooping, giving KD a bath and any cleaning she can help with. Those things all set off the BH contractions. My Doctor says they are fine, as long as they are going away when I change a position or stop activity. So, for now, its just another annoying thing to have to put up with. Along with the shortness of breath from just a short walk. I can't even go half way up my street without feeling winded and a BH contraction! "Really?!" Is what I say to that. It's just ridiculous, I am not doing anything strenuous!

In other news, my oldest brother, who has stage 4 Melanoma cancer, is going to be starting Chemo tomorrow. It's part of a clinical trial he has decided to go ahead and participate in. He has been told nothing will permenantly take away the Melanoma and at first he wasn't sure if he wanted to put himself through any chemo and be sick during what few precious months he has left. But I am glad he decided to try something out. Who knows, maybe a miracle will happen, or he will get some extra time to live. Even if it doesn't cure him, hopefully this can help them find a cure for the next person. And to top off this "wonderful news," July 1st was the anniverary of my Mom's death. I am handling the year marker okay, but I can't imagine its helping my brother cope with things any easier. For some reason I think it hit him the hardest. Probably because he lived farther away and was less of a communicator and wishes he had spent more time with her or calling her. I am sure the stress of her death has been a factor in the reappearance of his cancer. For me Mother's Day this year was harder than the anniversary of her death.

My husband has been looking for a new job, and if you have read my older blog postings you know we almost made a move to Jeddah. But that job seems to have taken a nose dive. The company, which is a new start up, is not doing as well as his friend had hoped. (His friend is their Director of Ops and was hoping to hire JD on as soon as they got some planes purchased and ready to go.) Now this same friend has been approached by another guy that wants to start a commuter/ business flight company out of Carlsbad, California. JD's friend has accepted that position and is in the midst of background checks etc. If he ends up working as their Director of Ops he is going to see what they are willing to pay for a Captain position and see if its worth it for JD to start working there.

I told JD that even if this new company doesn't end up being successful that he should take the job. We can even deal with a small paycut for a while. JD needs to get out of the Middle East. The company he is working for treats their pilots horribly... and financially they seem to be going down hill fast too. And JD and I really want him to work closer to home so we can see each other more. This Carlsbad company is only a couple hours drive from our house and the owner says that he wants his pilots to be home every night. Apperantly he is a big family man, which is a HUGE difference than what he has to deal with now. JD's current company couldn't care less about their pilot's wives or children.

It would be amazing to have my husband home every night. And it sounds like if this happens it will be in September! Right after the baby is born!! Such good timing. I am praying hard for that to happen. I know the job may not be around forever, but it would get JD home and buy him more time to look for something else that will work for us. I also think that getting paid less is worth it for him to be home every night. I just can't handle this 5 weeks gone, 4 weeks home situation anymore, especially with a 2nd child on the way. I have no idea how I am going to cope without him.

Well, that's my news for now. Here's to some good sleep, miracle healings, and husband being home more! Cheers! (Imagine a glass of wine in our hands and me clinking it with you... except mine has sparkling cider in it, haha.)

Good News and Bad News

2010-06-05T01:48:00.000-07:00

My third trimester just started recently. The baby boy in my tummy has been rolling around and jabbing me in the middle of the night, making sleep a difficult task... thus the reason why I decided to get up and write in my blog at 2am. I have all the typical "joys" of pregnancy: heartburn, hemorrhoids, difficulty sleeping, occasional Braxton Hicks contractions, and the overpowering nesting instinct.

The nesting instinct is very strong in me right now. My husband just got home from his long 5 week rotation and we finally are starting the baby's room. It has been our office/ junk collector for the past 6 years. I haven't used the computer in the office for a while, pretty much since I got my laptop. The computer moves so slow I just can't stand it. You click on something to open and close and literally 15- 20 minutes later the computer reacts... very annoying. So the only thing that has been happening in there is bills gets filed, and mail gets stacked, magazines and other items that I don't know what to do with yet gets plopped down on the desk or floor until I have the time to get to it. And the closet is full of books my husband and I want to keep for reference for our jobs, and art supplies that I rarely get a chance to use, as well as the place where electronics seem to go to die. Why we keep phones and cords and boxes from new phones and electronics in there forever and ever is a mystery to me.

I have been very frustrated with not being able to implement my nesting instinct and clean out the office on my own, while JD was working this past month. But there is no way I could move all that junk out to the garage on my own, nor could I move any of the heavy pieces of furniture and file cabinets on my own. So, I had to wait patiently for him to get back home to help me out. When we started, a couple days ago, JD kept on getting side tracked with phone calls coming in and other things on his "to do" list, and I was getting very irritated and upset. I think that is part of the nesting instinct, the anger. For some reason we are mad at all the mess and piles, when in the nesting mode, and I don't know what that is about. JD was really starting to wonder about my sanity after a few things sent me into a tizzy and as I was muttering profanities under my breath at any little thing that set me off (very unlike me). He practically demanded I take a nap as soon as KD was down for hers. But in my defense I also had a very poor nights sleep the night before as well. I tossed and turned until 3am and only slept until 8am the next morning. But still, the attitude was pretty bad.

Yesterday we finally got the office to the point that I was hoping to get it to, and I felt lest irritable. All the junk is in the garage, and there is a "mini-office" set up in our dining room now. I have a little desk and our main file drawer in there. And the rest is lying around the garage in boxes or bags waiting to be sorted... practically calling my name to come out there and do just that. My home is an Interior Designer's nightmare right now. I would not call my home a showcase for my talents in that area. Wall to wall furniture, poor task lighting (on one wall in the dining room I have 4 lamps, and the overhead light is only ambient... of no use at all), kids toys shoved into every nook and cranny. Its really bad. But it is organized. And if that is all I can accomplish at the moment, then I will take it. The Interior Designer in me will just have to take a back seat to the Mommy right now.

Its interesting how the good and the bad seem to happen at the same time in my life. While I am happily buzzing around my home, making it a welcoming place for the baby due in a few months, I got the news from my Dad that my oldest brother's cancer has returned. About 5 years ago he had a huge chunk taken out of his thigh due to Melanoma. He has been regularly checked out since then, and unfortunately they found something. He has Melanoma cancer cells now residing in his abdominal wall. My Dad told me just a little bit last week and then this week I called my brother to find out further information, since he was having tests done and waiting for more news.

I was outside watching my 2 1/2 year old daughter play on her slide while I made the phone call. As my brother proceeded to tell me the latest news I started to get tears in my eyes and did my best to not let it show to my daughter, or to let my voice crack over the phone. He told me that chemo would not cure it, it would kill it off in 1 to 10 people but that in all cases it returned still anyway. And he said radiation wouldn't get rid of it either. So, neither of those things were viable options for him. And he said that he didn't know how long he has left to live. They are doing another scan in a month to see how quickly the cancer is progressing and will see if it has moved into any major organs, which at this time it isn't in any major organ. Its hard to take in the news and also have no idea how long you have left with a loved one. I don't know if he will be around to see his nephew be born or not, or if he will be around for many more years to come. It makes me want to fly him out here ASAP so I can be sure I see him at least one more time before anything horrible happens to him. I can't fly to him, and I am definitely not going on any road trips any time soon, and he lives in Northern California... which may as well be across the country.

At least he isn't feeling any pain. He said the worst thing is that he has a little less energy and that his appetite isn't as good as it was. But he is still active, hiking and teaching yoga. He is a very BIG outdoors man. He loves to climb rocks, and go hiking, and spend time in the forest camping. And he said he may be going off on his own into the woods sometime over the next month to collect his thoughts. I would be doing the same if I was him. He isn't married, he does have a girlfriend, and he has no kids. I can't imagine going through a trial like this in life pretty much alone. He does have me, our brother, and our Dad. But none of us live very close to each other. My Dad moved back to CA recently, so we live the closest to each other, he use to live in NM where my Grandma lived for a few years before she passed away in 2008. He is just about a 2 hour drive away now. My other brother and his wife and 2 kids live on the East coast, where he is happy as a clam and fits in very well. But I guess my brother has his friends, and his girlfriend (whom he lives with), and the forest... and the ocean. Plus he has always been an independent guy. Not a loner really, he attracts people like flies to honey, but someone who likes to have a lot of alone time to recharge his battery.

I guess I have the right to feel angry. Even if it is a part of nesting, I think some of it is knowing that my brother is dying... but not knowing how quickly this cancer will take him. And I feel frustrated that he lives so far away and I can't do much more than give him a phone call and tell him I love him. But I also feel happy that I have a baby boy on the way, and that my daughter and husband are around to keep me busy and loved. So, its all just a big jumbled emotional mess right now. Happy for the future of my family, and sad for the future without my brother. He is an amazing and talented person, I will have to write more about him later.

Mother's Day Blues

2010-05-16T22:54:00.000-07:00

Last week was Mother's Day, it wasn't such a happy day for me. It was the first Mother's Day without my Mom (she passed away July last year). I was okay until I hopped on Facebook and saw everyone's status comments about where they were taking their Mom for dinner or what they were getting or doing for Mother's Day. It just sucked because I realized I have no Mom to buy anything for or to call to wish a Happy Mother's Day, or to take to lunch. And then on top of that my husband is gone this month, so I had no one to do that for me either. I have my 2 1/2 year old and I am pregnant, so its not like I am going to be getting any special treatment from my kids any time soon.

The night before Mother's Day is when it hit me and I started weeping, not just crying... weeping. Unfortunately KD saw me crying and it made her cry. I sunk onto the floor in the hallway as she turned and saw me crying, and then walked toward me and started to cry herself. She sat in my lap and I tried my best to find the words to tell my 2 1/2 year old why her Mommy was crying. I ended up telling her, "I miss my Mommy. She is in Heaven with Jesus." Then I explained that my Mommy was her Grandma Lois and showed her pictures. And for the past week every once in a while she would say, "I sad, I miss Mommy Lois." Such a sweetie. I would say back, "I miss her too, but she is happy. Jesus loves her and is taking care of her. Don't be sad."

On the actual day of Mother's Day I went to choir practice at church and ended up crying through most of the rehearsal. I eventually started cracking jokes to get my mind off the sad thoughts in my mind. The people in the choir are a fun bunch and we like to give each other a hard time. So, I ended up with a smile on my face. A few, of course, did give me hugs and words of encouragement. When I went to pick up KD from Sunday School she handed me a handmade card and a gift back. She said, "I made you this!" and was all proud. She actually said, "Happy Mother's Day," which I didn't think I would be hearing out of her mouth at all. And in the bag was a little candle that they had made in class. When I got home my Mother-in-law gave me some yellow tulips (my favorite) and a homemade card that she and KD had worked on together. The card had a finger painting done by KD on it. And she also gave me some lilies that a friend from church dropped off to give to me. So, my little pity party about having no one to wish me a Mother's Day was very unfounded. And the lilies in memory of my Mother was very touching.

Then my in-laws took me and KD to lunch at Olive Garden, one of my favorite places to eat, and when we got home my Aunt and Uncle were driving down our street! They turned around when they realized I was on my way home. They were visiting friends in a nearby city and on their way back home decided to make a surprise visit. I had almost called my Aunt the night before when I was missing my Mom, she is my Mom's sister and the one who got in a horrible car accident a few months before my Mom passed, but I didn't want to make her sad and cry too. It was so wonderful to see her and talk to her in person, I hadn't seen her for a couple months! She is like a Mother to me and I have missed her terribly. She is such a sweet spirit, I love being around her.

So, I guess Mother's Day ended up not being to horrible after all. But that was rough the night before. Not only did I cry that night in front of my daughter, but I had woken up at 3am and started bawling into my pillow for a while and it was hard to get a good nights sleep. You just never know what is going to hit you and make you miss a loved one. One day I am doing fine and the next something will happen or come up that makes me not only remember her but miss her to my core!

I love you and miss you, Mom. xoxo

Ever Changing News

2010-05-02T23:40:00.000-07:00

So... I mentioned in earlier posts about a possible move to Saudi Arabia. And Now I don't think it will happen. If things go down the way my husband thinks they will then I will end up staying at home. Thank the Lord! But we won't know for sure for another couple weeks, at least.

His friend, the newly hired Director of Ops of the new company, is saying that they should be adding more planes than originally projected and will be starting rotations sooner than JD had thought. But its all hinging on a couple decisions that are yet to be solidified, of course. He is hoping to hire some other guy to be the president of the company and I guess this new person effects a lot of these decisions. So I can't say anything for sure about our future situation and where we will be living. But I do know that our goal is to keep the family where we are if at all possible, but not at the sacrifice of being together as much as possible.

If JD gets this new job then he says within a year they should have rotation schedules, which is good. If he is on-call, part of the only crew for the one plane they have so far, then we have no idea when he will be able to fly back home to the states to be with us. Thus the pressure to move us all to Saudi Arabia where he would be based. But, if its going to be less than a year we have to wait for him to get a rotation like he has now, 5 weeks on 4 weeks off, then we don't feel it's prudent to pick up and move us all over with him. What we do need to figure out is how often I will be able to come visit him with the kids and make sure he has a two bedroom home, at least, in his offer so we have a place to stay with him when we go over there. And then I would hope he would occasionally have some time off to come back here for a few weeks in the States. It would royally suck to have him gone that first year with an unpredictable schedule, but we will see how this all plays out.

So many unknowns still. And everything is just talk at this point. Tomorrow, or next week, he could give me a whole different story. I am just praying I don't have to move to Saudi and uproot myself and my kids from friends and family. Every day I think about all the people and things I would miss if we moved. Even just the conveniences and familiar things we have now that we wouldn't have there, like a huge Babies R Us to get all the baby stuff from, or Dairy Queen LOL. Plus there is the fact that we have this awesome dog, Chewie, that we would be leaving behind and I know he would be so depressed if we left him, even if just for a year. And if we left for a long period of time we may have to give him up, and that would be depressing. I would hope we could find someone to take care of him for us while we are away, but there is that possiblity that no one would be willing to do that for us and we would have to find him a new home.

For now I am at least breathing a bit easier and not on edge waiting for the news to come that, "Yes, honey, I got the job and we need to start planning the move to Saudi." I suppose that could still happen, but I sure hope not!

Scheduling Time for Sanity

2010-04-21T23:47:00.000-07:00

I have decided, until I know for sure about the move to Saudi and JD's job, I need to make some plans that will keep me sane until the baby is born, and the couple months following. I know for sure we aren't moving until baby boy is born, so why not do something about the here and now?

Recently I have felt more lonely and even bored when JD leaves. Usually I am pretty independent, don't mind the alone time, and even enjoy that at night I can type away on my computer in bed without bothering him, or keep the TV on at a level where I can actually hear my recorded TV shows, and not hear him snoring louder than either of those activities. But I think pregnancy, combined with the fact that I have a very active toddler on my hands, has made me a bit more needy for companionship than usual.

I have put out an "APB" to four Moms to schedule in play dates with me once a week during the 35 day rotations Jason is gone... for the couple months left before baby is due that he is gone and one more rotation that he is gone shortly after the baby is born. For my own sanity I believe this is necessary. I am trying to find a pre-school for KD to attend during the week, and the one that I really want her to go to hasn't gotten back to me yet... and I know there is a waiting list. I also am looking into the local city community guide, that we get in the mail, for some activities I can sign KD up for that will fill her time. I've done one class with her before and she loved it. But besides KD needing some stimulation I need some too! I thought of four Moms that I like to hang out with and talk to that have kids that like to play with KD. So far two have replied and will get back to me with some dates to hang out. That is a good start.

And besides those four Moms I have my in-laws next door. Sometimes they can help out, and sometimes they can't. They aren't retired and have stuff of their own to attend to. But today my MIL called to say she can watch KD from 11:30am to 2pm for me, and the break was nice. So, I can count on her for times I need occasional alone time. And I have a neighbor that I can run over to anytime they are home and their two girls love to play with KD. They are very hospitable. So, I don't have to schedule anything for them really. If I am bored and need to visit with someone I can just walk next door and see if they are home, or call to see if its a good time for a visit. So those are two more people that I have as "flexible" play dates, or people to go to for "me time".

I am also thinking of asking my in-laws if they can take KD for an overnight once a week to give me a break and one night of assured rest. But I may not ask until I really feel I need that. right now its mostly during the day that I need some distractions from the fact that my husband isn't home. I already have a friend lined up for July to come over 4 nights a week and help with dinner and getting KD up in the morning before she goes to work. (I am paying her.) That will be my 8th month of pregnancy. So, perhaps the in-laws can help out that month as well and do the overnight idea. We will see.

Well... that is the plan to keep me sane over the next 4 months and the 2 months following after the baby is born. Sounds like a good one to me :-) Then after that I can think of how to keep my sanity with a new baby and a toddler in Saudi Arabia... YIKES! If that even happens.

More on the Move

2010-04-16T22:28:00.000-07:00

So... I've been pondering this move and all the pros and cons that come with moving to Saudi Arabia. And no matter how many cons are stacked against it the pros still are stronger than any con I can come up with.

The pros for my husbands career are blaring at us and are obviously the best thing for him to do... of course he hasn't gotten an official offer yet, and until that happens all my thoughts about this move are still just a practice in theory. And I know if JD could get a job that didn't require him to move us to Saudi he would do it in a second. But no other opportunity is going to be coming our way (as far as we know) that provides us with the income and stability and set him up as wonderfully for his career in the future as this job opportunity will provide. That is a huge part of this whole decision.

The pros for me is that I will see my husband more if I move to Saudi. If I stay in the States I will never know when I will see him, since he won't have a rotation schedule and the times off won't be worth the travel back and forth from California to Saudi. And there is no "pro" that is stronger than keeping the family unit close together. I can't be without my husband indefinitely and I can't do that to our kids either. My kids need their Daddy in their life more than anyone else in the world, including Grandparents, Aunts, Uncles, Cousins, or friends. Even though extended family is a blessing to have around its not the MOST important relationship compared to the one with their own Daddy.

I can think of a hundred things in a day that I would miss doing, or having, or people I would miss seeing, but nothing can keep me here over being with my husband. That is the bottom line for me. There is no other choice to make but to move to Saudi. So, no matter how uncomfortable it may be, or what sacrifices I will have to make, I have to do it. I just simply HAVE to. And I am not unhappy about that either. I am not bitter about it. I am actually at peace about that decision. It feels right in my bones, in my gut... and the same goes for JD.

So, for now... we wait. But I really think that this job offer will come by the end of the year and the move by the first couple months of next year the latest. I hate waiting for life changing news, this is going to stink. But I suppose the longer the wait for the offer the more time we have to research things and to get questions answered as they pop up and to be prepared. But... I still hate waiting ;-)

Possible Move

2010-04-12T16:05:00.000-07:00

I know I am not the first pilot's wife to have to consider the real possibility of uprooting from my home and move to a foreign country, but its all new to me. JD may be getting a new job in the next few months that would require us all to move to Saudi Arabia. That would be quite a change! Not my first choice in foreign countries to live in either.

He is working for a company that is in that area already, but he has a rotation of 35 days working and 30 days home, so it didn't make any sense to uproot me and the family when he is pretty much home half the time. This new job wouldn't have more than one crew to man the one plane they have, so he would be on call and therefore no rotation schedule. The good thing is that a good friend of his has accepted the Director of Operations position there, so he is second in command. And that means he would be hiring JD and negotiating his contract, so we would be taken care of and not have to worry about the horrible politics that are going on with his current company. Plus, his current company seem to not be doing too well financially and who knows how secure his job or pay or current rotation schedule would be if he stayed? And the new company is just starting up, so JD would be on the top of the seniority list, and that is always a good thing.

But this is such a new thing for me that I had a million questions about what it would be like if we moved. I don't like the idea of leaving friends and family and all the comforts of home, but we are talking about it being only a year to 3 years at most. So, really... its short term. He would get great experience in a bigger plane and a possible future move to management within the company, when they need a training captain. This would make him very marketable here in the USA. That is all good stuff. And I suppose if I have to suck it up for a few years in the best interest of our family and JD's career I will do it. What's most important is my family being together as much as possible and to look towards the future and do what will benefit us the most there as well.

Too many things going through my brain to process and write down. I will have to write more later when it all congeals a bit more.

It's a......!!

2010-04-06T17:18:00.000-07:00

Saturday night we had our "Baby Gender Reveal Party" and I found out the gender of my baby finally. JD found out last Monday at the ultrasound and decided on a way to surprise me at the party. He was actually quite clever about it. And while waiting to find out the news, and as all our friends were asking, "Do you know the sex yet?" I felt like I was in labor and everyone was in the waiting room or sitting by the phone to find out if it's a boy or a girl.

We had dinner with family and then waited for some of our close friends to come over later (they had other plans that kept them from arriving for dinner). They had some late dinner and then finally everyone had eaten and I motioned to JD to get the ball rolling. He handed me a pen and a paper and passed out eggs to our guests that he had put either a pink ring or a blue ring into. I kept a tally of how many pink vs. how many blue rings there were as people opened their eggs. JD had enough for a couple rounds, so the second round I got really confused because some people started telling me both colors they had gotten and I had no idea what color that had given me first. JD was very pleased at the confusion. He asked me how many I had of each, I showed 9 blue and 10 pink, he said there should be 9 blue and 9 pink. Then he handed KD, our two year old, the final egg that would reveal the gender.

When she opened the egg I called her over to see what color the ring was, when I looked in her hands she was holding a toy airplane, not a ring. Most people were like, "What does that mean?" But I knew it meant we are having a boy. I said, "It's a boy!" and everyone got all excited and cheered. My Dad was actually the only other one who got the plane reference as meaning specifically "boy." My friends were confused by the color, it looked blue and pink and yellow in the lighting we had, and they were looking for something either blue or pink. So it was perfect, the way the whole thing happened. Everyone was in anticipation, got confused, didn't know what was going on, and in the end I was the one who got to break the news to everyone.

Isn't my husband clever? I loved how it all happened. All my fears about hearing "boy" or "girl" and if I was going to feel any disappiointment didn't happen. And the surprise element was definitely there and a close second to finding out on the day of the baby's birth. I am happy we have our boy, I know my husband was really wanting a boy and I don't plan on getting pregnant again, I am done at two. So, this way I know we are both happy, I got my girl first, then he got his boy. And now, as they say, we have a "perfect set." haha... like we are buying a salt and pepper shaker set. But I must say I am very happy to have one of each gender. I feel like we are really done with having kids and there is no question as to whether we should try for another child later. It feels like our family is very complete and well balanced. God has blessed us.

My Husband Has a Secret

2010-03-30T22:00:00.000-07:00

On Monday my husband, my daughter, and I went to the ultrasound appointment for baby. KD enjoyed seeing the baby on the screen, but got a bit squirmy after a few minutes. JD was dying to know the gender of the baby so we told the technician to let him know but not me. At the end of the ultrasound she wrote it down on a piece of paper for him. She handed me a pic of the baby's face, a front view that looked like a skull, or an alien, and not much like a baby. I don't know why she thought that would make a good keepsake, but JD did notice the baby never really got into a good position for a side pic. And then she handed him a full body pic with the baby front faced still, looked like a skull and a belly and some folded legs. But he quickly pocketed it, saying I may be able to tell what the sex of the baby is if I look at it. That made me think it must be a boy, but I really wasn't ready for the news yet. So I tried to push that out of my mind.

This Saturday we will be throwing the "Baby Gender Reveal Party" and I will know for sure at that point. JD is thinking of another idea of how to break the news to me, so it may not be a present wrapped up for a boy or a girl, as I had thought I was going to get. Should be interesting. All I get to plan is the decorations and the food, the revealing part is up to him. He said he ran his idea by a few people to see if it was a good idea and everyone likes it so far. I don't care how he does it, as long as I know in the end. I am just preparing myself for the news to go either way. I think its a boy at this point, but if the news comes out that its a girl I don't want to feel disappointed. So, I am trying to be open minded to the idea of a girl still.

In other news, today KD decided to throw the fit of all fits and I am so glad JD was home to help me handle the situation. I think it happened due to poor sleep patterns over the past few days and the fact that last night was the first night she had her Binky (pacifier) taken away overnight. And due to the fact that she hasn't been wanting to eat much. She was having a mini fit this morning over the fact that she wanted to wear her pajamas all day and we told her no because we were going to meet her Auntie for lunch. She was okay when we left and during lunch she did fine, but while we were waiting for the check I took her to the arcade area in the restaurant (they had a few games in the lobby). When her Daddy and Auntie came over to tell us we were ready to go she didn't want to leave. But I picked her up and took her out anyways, after a few warnings to say goodbye to the games and leave on her own. In the car she had a full melt down over not getting her way. She was hitting herself in the face, slapping her arms and legs and kicking her feet. I had to sit in the back next to her and hold her hands to her side so she would stop doing that. We told her she was getting a time out when she got home and a spanking if she kept up the hitting. It just got worse and worse during the 20 minute ride home and she was turning red and screaming. At home it was a battle just to keep her in the time out and she got a spanking at one point when she got up and ran around the house to get away from her time out.

Yes, it was a full on def-con 5 level tantrum. JD was great with her. Towards the end of her time out he just held her and walked around the house until it was done. Then we went into soothing mode to calm her down and I got her some fruit snacks and some milk to get some food in her. She was due for a nap soon, and we knew that is what she really needed. After a two hour nap she woke up smiling and back to her cuddly self. She even ate pretty well during dinner. She is now asleep without her Binky again for the 2nd night in a row, I just hope she sleeps well and doesn't get up at 3am like she has been. We are able to get her back to sleep again after she wakes up, but I think that the disruption in her sleep isn't good for her. Anyways, so far so good... she hasn't woken up crying (like last night, from 9:30pm to 11:30pm where she cried every time I left her room). I just hope this behavior gets out of her system before the baby arrives. Its exhausting!

Emotional Breakdown

2010-03-19T13:10:00.000-07:00

Last night I had a rough time with KD. She was challenging me all afternoon, saying "no" to every request and refusing to obey me or do what I asked. I think this is a normal part of childhood and what kids just do, test their boundaries. But I don't like dealing with it. I finally put her in a time out, after multiple warnings to coax her into obeying me several times already, when we were about to head out the door and she had a fit about the shoes I had put on her. She had a melt down actually. So I said, "Forget it then, we are staying home and you can just stay there in a time out." Then I took off the shoes she was so upset about and left her there in her time out spot. And then while she was in a time out she threw herself on the ground and held one of her shoes and was crying that she wanted it back on. I came over while she was on the ground pouting and gave her one good swat on the butt, I was fed up with the whole show and she needed to know I meant business. Goodness! What goes on in that 2 year old brain of hers I will never know. One minute she hates her shoes and the other she wants them back on (probably so we could go out). And such drama over, what seems to me, nothing.

I was upset, but remained calm the rest of the evening while I got some dinner stuff out for her and told her she had to eat what I gave her or she would be going to bed hungry (we were on our way out the door for tacos). She was pleasant and cuddly with me and wanted my hugs and affection the rest of the night. I think she realized she was being a pill and she wanted reassurance that I still loved her and wasn't mad anymore. I was drained though, I was ready for her bed time to come quick. She did finally eat what I put out for her, 5 minutes before she had to get ready for bed of course. So, I patiently waited for her to eat and then ushered her into her room to get her pajamas on and read her books and all that. She still stretched my patience as she decided on one pair of pajamas and just before I was about to stop rocking her and put her down on her bed she said she wanted a different pair of pajamas. So, we changed, and then I layed her down and gave her hugs and kisses. Then, 15 minutes later she was crying for me. When I went in to her room she said she wanted her hair brushed (which I had done after each pajama dressing already). I appeased her and then told her it was time for her to sleep. I was ready to crawl into bed and just curl up in a ball by that point. My patience and my energy had been taxed to the max.

Then I ate what was left of my Girl Scout Thin Mint cookies (comfort food) and watched a brainless show on TV to wind down. While I was watching TV JD messaged me on my Blackberry and the subject came up on our plans for learning the sex of the baby. When he comes home (next week Thursday) we have an ultrasound the following Monday and we will most likely be able to find out the sex of the baby. He can't wait to know and I want to find out on the day the baby is born, or at least delay the information as long as possible. Maybe once we go shopping for crib stuff and start setting up the baby's room I will finally want to know for sure. But right now I am in no hurry to find out. And another person that is dying to find out is JD's Mom, almost more than he wants to find out. I can understand his desire, he is gone a month at a time and this would be a way to start bonding with his future baby and to connect to the pregnancy more. I get it. His Mom, she's just impatient and I don't know why it matters so much to her.

We had been talking about how to reveal the gender to me, and everyone else, and had decided just the evening before to find out this way: JD would be told by the technician doing the ultrasound what we are having. He keeps secrets really well, so I am not worried about him spilling the beans early to me. Then he will go out and buy a gift for the baby that is gender appropriate. (I had the idea of him buying either pink booties or blue booties and then he suggested a little toy or gift for the baby. Which is cute too.) Then, he will wrap it up and give it to me as a gift at a party with our family and close friends there. The idea sounded more fun than me laying there on the table with the gel on my belly and the Doctor telling us what we are having. We did that with KD, and it was fine, but I want it to be more fun and exciting this time.

Well, last night we were talking and I told JD that half the people have responded to the potential dates of the BBQ that they wouldn't be able to come. One of which is his sister, which we are both very close to. I don't like that she won't be able to be there. And half of the friends I asked couldn't come either, and the friends I invited are as close to family as it gets. So its all turning into a let down, in my eyes. I told JD I didn't want some half-assed party thrown together without the people we want to be there. I only have one chance to find out the baby's sex and I don't want it to be a disappointing affair. I want it to be joyous and exciting, I want people there anxious to find out what we are having and then to burst out with joy as the news is revealed.

So, after the chat I tried to go to sleep but I started crying. I wasn't sure if it was due to lack of sleep (haven't been able to get to sleep at a decent hour for several nights, and KD keeps getting up early these days) or if it was the pregnancy hormones or if there a valid reason for the tears. Was I really that upset that I wasn't going to be able to wait until the baby is born to find out? Why did it matter if I found out now rather later? What was the big deal?

I figured it out. I like fantasizing and dreaming about the possibility of having another girl, and then fantasizing about having a boy the next moment. When I do find out then one of those dreams is going to pop like a bubble. And I am not having another child after this, as far as I can help it. So if its two girls, that's it. Or if its a girl and a boy then yippee, we have one of each. And I am happy with either scenario. But its nice to wonder and not know and be able to have a little dream of each in my heart. I remember when we found out our first was a girl, a little disappointment came over me, because I really wanted a boy first. But then I was happy because then for sure I knew I was going to have the little girl I always wanted. With the next one if its not a boy then there are no more chances for another boy. I am not going to keep getting pregnant in the hopes of having a boy, I am not into that idea at all. I think that is crazy... we could end up with a house full of hormonal teenage girls! And one bathroom for them all to share! No way am I going to head down that road. Haha

I guess I think that by waiting for the day the baby is born I won't have a chance to feel that tinge of disappointment. I will hear my baby cry, someone will yell, "It's a ____ !" and I be filled with joy and love as I hold my baby and look at their face for the first time. It won't matter at all, the little boy dream or the little girl dream that is gone. They have arrived, they are here, and its all a new adventure to be discovered. Nothing but pure joy and bliss. That is the dream I have in my head about about waiting. And maybe that will be the way it goes, and maybe not. Who really knows? But its a nice little dream, isn't it?

So, there you have it. I am going to have to get over this dream thing and just deal with what happens with the reveal day and whoever can come to the party, and whoever can't, I will just have to be happy with what we get as a turn out. The important thing is that I am surprised, that there is no spoiler and that I have a few people to share the happy (and the somewhat sad) moment. I need a couple friends there that understand the little sad bit that will be there and be able to smile and congratulate me and point me towards happy thoughts about the future little girl or boy that is on their way. I know I can't change what he or she is anyways. Its not like waiting is going to change the baby's gender. And no matter what way I want it to go in my heart, at the moment I find out, it is what it is. And I know I will be happy with either way it goes.

Baby Dreams/ Genetics Scare

2010-02-23T21:39:00.000-08:00

I had my first dream about my future baby a few nights ago. I am just starting into my 2nd trimester now and there is an ultrasound coming up at the end of March (around week 19) that may confirm if we are having a boy or a girl. Apparently my subconscious thinks I am having a boy. In my dream that is what I had.

It was a strange dream. At first I thought I was having two babies, and then I realized I was only having one baby. But I was in the hospital for some reason and had to be put under. When I woke up from whatever surgery I had to undergo I had my baby sitting in front of me. I was like, "Wow! There is my baby! What happened?" I was told that they had to take the baby out early. I had a healthy baby boy and he was chubby and cherub like with blonde hair and light green eyes. I said, "He's a big baby for being born early. He is only 20 weeks!" And the nurse said, "Yes he is big for 20 weeks." He was sitting upright in my dream and I could see his chubby legs and cute little face. Weird how dreams are. There is no way I would have a chubby, healthy baby if they took him out at 20 weeks. But there you have it.

When I was pregnant with KD I had a dream about her birth too. In that dream I was on a couch and all my family was crowded around me and I refused to push her out until Jason got there. I was looking for him and very perturbed that he wasn't there yet. When he got there and I pushed she came out in what looked like a mailing tube... LOL. And I pushed her through the tube with my hand and then she expanded, like those toys that are sponges and you add water and watch them expand. And she went from infant to a toddler in a few seconds. In that dream she was standing up in her crib and looking at me, she had curly reddish brown hair and blue eyes. What is interesting is that she had reddish brown hair when she was born, although it is blonde now. And she has blue eyes and a little curl to her hair too, not as much as in the dream. Makes me wonder if my dream about the boy will come true. JD has light hazel eyes, he says to KD that they are green all the time.. but they are more like the color of honey. So perhaps that is where I got the light green thought from. So, perhaps we will have a boy with JD's eye color this time. (KD has the color of my Mom's eyes. I have brown eyes, the color of my Maternal Grandmother's eyes. My Dad has light blue eyes.) Anyways... just a few interesting thoughts. It's fun to dream about my future baby.

What IS NOT fun is genetics testing. I was going to write about this a few days ago when we found out some news. But now JD and I are kinda over it. But what happened is we got a first trimester blood screen done by a genetics center and my chances went from 1 in 384 of having a baby with Down Syndrome to 1 in 68. Its because I will be 35 when this baby is born that the statistics are worse than what I had with KD. The number scared JD and he was stressing out. I wasn't worried that much about it, but his concern transferred to me a bit. But when we were told about the tests that can be done, there is one that takes placenta tissue to figure out if your baby actually has Downs and the Amnioscentesis that can be done later, I didn't want to do the first test because that has a 1 in 100 chance of a miscarriage. The Amnio isn't as bad, a 1 in 400 chance, but I was thinking about it and I told JD that it seemed silly to even do the test and chance a miscarriage when we both agree that if the child does have Downs we wouldn't terminate the pregnancy. He was like, "NO... we wouldn't terminate it, but it would be nice to know and to prepare." I wasn't convinced it was necessary to know 100% beforehand, and to freak out over a number like a 1 in 68 chance, or to introduce a chance of a miscarriage to a baby that I would be distraught over if I lost it just because I wanted to know "for sure." So we waited to see the OBGYN and get his opinion.

The Doctor thought the way I did. He asked, "If you did the Amnio and found out the baby has Downs Syndrome what would you do about it?" He then said, "If you wouldn't terminate the pregnancy then there is no point to performing the procedure." I agreed and the only thing JD was thinking was that it would be nice to know ahead of time to prepare and be sure. The Doctor said that if the baby is born with Downs there would be plenty of support and information given to us to be able to properly take care of our baby and there isn't much pre-planning that one can do beforehand. So, that settled the issue for both of us. Plus, the Doctor said that chances are we will have a perfectly healthy baby and the genetics testing just freaked us out for no reason. I agree.

I think if I were to do it over again I would tell them to go ahead and test for the more detrimental genetic problems, like the ones that would show your baby is going to die within 3 months of birth due to a lack of a certain gene, and to leave the info on the Downs out of the picture. Even if they had to do the test I wouldn't want to know the results. I know there is a higher risk as I get older for me having a baby with Downs Syndrome, but I don't need to know my statistical number. There is still a greater chance for me to have a normally healthy baby than for me to have a Downs baby. And even if I have a Downs baby there is no way I would love him or her any less. I already love this baby! Plus, having the Amnio doesn't tell you how severe the Downs is. There is such a large spectrum of mild to severe problems that come with that, you wouldn't even be able to know until they are born, or even until they were older and could have their I.Q. tested. And Downs people are so sweet and good natured. I think I would be able to handle it if I had a kid with DS. If that is what God chooses to give me then I will gladly take on the challenge. I mean, after all, the baby is here already. Whatever he or she is or has is set already. Nothing can be done to change that outcome. Nothing I can do now to make my baby a boy or a girl, or to choose their hair color, or their eye color, or if they are perfectly healthy or have some kind of genetic problem or other physical problem. The baby is here, he/ she is coming, and I love him/ her already. And that is that. Whatever happens I know God has prepared me to be this child's Mother. I was meant to have this child in my life and everything will be fine. If the child needs extra special care over it's lifetime the Lord will provide the means to support that. I have that faith in God to take care of it all. It's out of my control anyway, no use in worrying about it. Worrying is useless. I think JD is starting to see that too. I really hope he is able to stop being concerned about this and put it in God's hands.

First Trimester Coming to an End!

2010-02-06T21:58:00.000-08:00

I have one week left and the first trimester is over! I am going to be very happy to see the preggie sickness go away. I am approaching the end of the 12th week and already my energy has picked up. I still have moments of feeling queasy, but even that seems to have lessened. Today I actually didn't nap!

My husband came home January 18th and has been doing EVERYTHING around the house as I crawl into bed every chance I get. He has been home to see me have severe migraines and throw up and to feel ill all day and all night. It gets worse right around 6pm and I don't have the strength to even make dinner. Tonight was the first night I have cooked dinner since he got home, and the first day I didn't take a nap in the middle of the day along with KD. There were even nights when I just had to crawl into bed and let him do all the work of giving KD her bath and getting her ready for bed. I know he can handle it, I just feel like I should be there doing that along side him and to be there for KD. But Jason has been a really great help.

There was one night, about a week after JD got home, that I cried after he crawled into bed after me. I had been sucking it up for a month and holding myself together as much as possible to keep the house clean and take care of KD and myself. When JD gets home I try to help him acclimate because he has sever jet lag and I want to give him time to rest. Well, after a week of continuing to "hold it together" for KD and JD and be "Super Mom" I started to get migraines almost every night. This one night I had left to go lie down for a bit before it was time to get KD ready for bed. When I went in to help JD put KD in her pajamas and to help read her books, KD looked at me and knew I didn't feel well. She asked, "Mommy sick?" I said, "My head hurts" and she reached up and started to rub my forehead, very sweet of her. JD then looked at KD and jokingly said, "Tell Mommy to suck it up." I took offense to that and said, "You've never had a migraine before have you? You have no idea what this is like." I finished up story time and hugs with KD and then crawled back into bed in our pitch black bedroom. Once JD came in he turned on the bathroom light and left the door open as he proceeded to get ready for a shower. I balked at him and said, "Shut the door!" The light over the sink bounces over to the mirrored closet doors and directly into my eyes. I then thought to myself, "What a jerk!"

When he finally crawled into bed and asked if it was okay to watch TV (which also hurts my head, even with my eyes shut, when I have a migraine) I groaned and pulled the covers over my head. He groaned impatiently back and then turned on the TV. I then proceeded to cry. The thing about starting to cry when you are pregnant is that it is hard to stop. As I was blubbering, he turned off the TV, I told him that I HAVE been "sucking it up" for a month and holding it together for a month while he was gone. I was angry that he couldn't see how I was in pain and that it was bad enough of a pain for me to not participate in evening activities with him and KD. I had hoped that he would see me suffering and say, "Honey why don't you go to bed, I can take care of KD and put her to bed tonight." But I also realized expecting your husband to have the emotional awareness of a woman is not a realistic expectation. I took the blame for not voicing my discomfort and not simply telling him "I cannot handle this right now, I feel sick to my stomach and I have a migraine, I need to go to bed and be in complete darkness and quiet." He said that if I need to do that then he can handle the bed time stuff, even though KD may not be too happy about it. And I agreed to participate in the book reading time and the final hugs goodnight if he did everything else and didn't get me until all the lights were off except her dim side table lamp... in the event of a future migraine or major stomach sickness. I also take the blame for thinking I have to be "Super Mom" and try to do everything for KD, even when JD is home. I know he can handle the bedtime routine without me. He is a big boy. And if KD cries about me leaving to go lie down, then tough crackers. Mommy needs to take care of herself sometimes. So... the crying stopped and he apologized. I joked, "Why can't you act like a woman sometimes?" and we went to bed.

Other than that particular night it has been a great help to have Jason home. He has done all the laundry, washed all the dishes, cooked all the dinners, gone grocery shopping with me (which he hates to do) taken KD to her swim lessons when I was too sick to go, and has cleaned and vacuumed the house several times over while he has been home. So, I really do have a great husband. I am very happy that he has been here to do all that. Now I am crossing my fingers that after next week I will feel like my normal self again. Then when he leaves February 18th I won't have to "suck it up" again when I feel like I am about to fall apart.

Oh, and exciting news... I have an ultrasound coming up on Monday. We may be able to find out if we are having a boy or a girl at that time! I know I have said that I would like to wait, but I know JD wants to find out and if we can find out this time, right before he leaves for work again, I think that would be a great early Valentine's gift for each other. And I gotta admit, I am curious if this is a boy that has been giving me such a hassle or if we are having another girl. And then I can stop thinking about possible boy and girl names and just focus on one gender's name. And the other bonus is starting to decide on how to decorate the baby's room and plan out what I am going to paint as a mural over this baby's bed, like I did in KD's room. Ahhhh, I love that part. So, I am glad we are going to find out early. Well, if the baby cooperates and the technician can tell us. I know its possible that we may not find out this time around. Finding out on the day the baby is born would be very exciting and something that I would like to experience, but... there are pros and cons to either scenario. And as JD is excited to find out, I am starting to get excited as well.

ER madness

2010-01-16T23:45:00.000-08:00

My 2 year old is sick... again. She has had a fever, threw up a couple days ago, now has a cough and a runny nose and is finding it difficult to sleep... which makes it difficult for me to sleep. She had just one week of health and something new hit her. This is not fun while the hubs is away. But he will be home in a couple days. One more night without him and then he gets to join in all the sickie drama.

Tonight I ended up taking KD to the Emergency Room to check out her cough. She has had bronchitis before, so any time she is coughing a lot I wonder if she has it again. I drove over to Urgent Care first, the not so gross place you can take your sick kid, and I was too late. They close at 5pm on the weekends and I was silly enough not to check their hours before I left the house. I forget there are weekends sometimes. All my days just run together and the weekend is barely any different for me than a week day. Anyways, so I called my in-laws and my worry wart of a mother-in-law got on the phone and asked if I was headed to the ER next. I was thinking (Ugh... no! I hate waiting in ER rooms for hours, and if its not a big deal being sent home and wasting all that time, and subjecting my kid to all those germs and REALLY sick people.) I told her I didn't want to wait for hours and hours in an ER. She said, "Is she okay?" And I said, "Well she isn't about to die or anything, she is coughing, but I can go to the Urgent Care in the morning." She said, "What if she were to stop breathing in the middle of the night? Its better to be safe than sorry." She talked me into at least stopping by the "Minute Clinic" at the local pharmacy, which I thought would be a waste of time. Who are those people and what can they do? She said, "At least you can get a yup or nup on whether you should take her to the ER." So, I called and found out they were closing in 15 minutes... meanwhile I was on the freeway and it was all backed up due to an accident. I figured I wouldn't make it in time. But when I got to the exit I had 10 minutes. So I went ahead and took the exit.

When I got to the nurse at the clinic she was about to leave. I told her what was going on and finally convinced her to at least listen to KD's chest to see if she was wheezing or sounded bad enough that it could possibly be bronchitis. She said she heard a slight wheeze and that the cough sounded bad enough to have her checked out at the ER. She said she couldn't prescribe any anti-biotics since KD didn't have enough symptoms to merit that. Which is fine with me, I don't want to give my kid medicine she doesn't need "just to be safe." So, I reluctantly put KD back in the car and headed to the ER.

I called my MIL and she said she would meet me there. At least when I got the the ER it wasn't crowded and things moved along fairly quickly. The silly thing is the process that I had to go through to get to a Doctor. Step #1 Check in with a guard #2 wait to be called #3 Got called and they basically "triage you"... put you in priority for when your sick kids should be seen #4 wait to be called #5 Got called to a window for some lady to type your info into a computer and check your insurance etc #6 wait to be called in a DIFFERENT waiting area #7 called again... this time to be sent to the pediatric waiting area #8 Called by a nurse to take KD's temp and blood pressure #9 wait to be called #10 called by the Doctor to be seen (finally) #11 after seeing the Dr. wait to be called again (in a different waiting area) to be released #12 finally go home. This all took approximately 2 hours. And the Dr. told me she has a cold, she doesn't have bronchitis (her breathing wasn't that bad) and no treatments were administered or prescribed.

I don't know if the trip to the ER, and the time and silly way of getting to a Doctor, was worth the information I received. I like knowing she just has a cold, but if it weren't for my MIL I would have waited until the next morning and found out the same info and not wasted all night driving from Urgent Care, to the Minute Clinic, and then the ER. Next time I will just do what I want to do and not let the worry wart, over protective, queen of the drama queens, get to me. "What if she stops breathing in the middle of the night?" Goodness woman! We can't allow the "What ifs" in life or our worse fears to control our life! I should have said that to her. I should have said, "I am not worried about that, she is coughing but she is breathing, and she may be miserable right now but this is NOT a life or death situation that bears me taking her to the ER! I will wait until morning to take her." She would have been fine with that, let me be and not said anything more. Nor would she have been offended that I had a different opinion. She is good like that. I just have to remember to trust my own motherly gut over my husband's mother's gut... hers over reacts to the nth degree! And it bugs the heck out of me. But that is who she is, can't change that. I just have to remember to be true to who I am and not listen to a person who, although loves my child and wants the best for her as much as I do, tends to over react and think of the worse scenarios. I like the fact that I am not a worrier and that I am calm and asses the situation with facts, not "what ifs." I don't hypothesize a million different scenarios that just fill my head with dooms day thoughts. And I think that is a strength of mine.

Well, that is enough of all that. I am just glad I am not feeling overly sick lately and that I had the energy for all this. I am finished with week 9 of my pregnancy and that means only two or three more weeks of morning sickness is left in my future! Yay!

Sick and Preggie

2010-01-06T16:43:00.000-08:00

I was sick the days leading up to 2010, so Happy Belated New Year's everyone! I was already experiencing 24/7 sickness, why they call it Morning Sickness... who knows? But just as the new year was approaching I picked up some sort of stomach bug that caused me to throw up anything that hit my stomach, even a Tylenol came right up, and water barely stayed down. It was quite a challenge to keep myself hydrated and I gave up food for a few days, it didn't stay down anyway. I lost 3 pounds, but not the diet I would recommend to anyone. It has all come back since then anyways. Being dehydrated and without any food in your body isn't fun.

I knew it wouldn't last too long, the family that passed it on (thank you for that) had said they were sick throwing up for 3 days and then it stopped. So when I started doing that I decided to wait it out for 3 days and not freak out and go to the Doctor. I figured there wasn't going to be much I could do about it, or that a Doctor could do besides tell me to get plenty of rest and keep hydrated. I did call my OBGYN office and talk to a nurse about how to handle the queasiness. She had a few helpful tips, not much though. During these days my daughter was sick with a sinus infection. It didn't slow down her at all though. I just had to give her some anti-biotics.

I am glad that I have my in-laws living two houses down the street. They were able to watch her while I was held up in bed for a couple days. The last day I was sick, new year's eve, I threw up one final time after KD got up from her nap, the in-laws took her so I could rest, and then I ate some pretzels and Ginger ale, took a shower, and then for dinner decided to eat whatever I wanted. I thought, "Screw just eating bland foods and drinking liquids!" I wanted to order a pizza, sounded so good, but found a Lean Cuisine Lasagna in the freezer and decided to go with that. I ate it and kept it down and felt better since then. That was day 3 of the stomach bug and I was amazed that it left as quickly as it came! So glad that is over.

Now I am in my 8th week of pregnancy and I am still queasy almost the whole day, but nothing feels as bad as that stomach thing. So I must say I don't have too much to complain about. I will be visiting my OBGYN Friday and hope that he will have something to give me to cope with the queasies over the next month. Can't wait for week 14 to arrive... should be done with the sick and preggie part by then (knock on wood). I only had some mild sickness when pregnant with KD, lasted from when I woke up until about 10am at work. So, maybe this time I am having a boy? Now I am curious about the sex of this baby. I don't think I will be able to wait until the day he or she is born to find out.

Hope you all had a great New Years, I was happy that the 1st of the year came with no more sour stomach! Yay!

Merry Christmas!

2009-12-25T21:38:00.000-08:00

Since my last post, "The Demanding Diva," I have been handling my 2 year old much better and able to set parameters for behavior a little more clearly. Thus, she has been less of a diva, less demanding, and even a joy to be around. I have had some general queasiness to deal with due to being pregnant, and some nights I go to bed feeling sick and wake up not too much better off.

Today I felt generally okay. A mild unsettled feeling in my tummy seemed to be hanging around all day, but food didn't put me off and I partook in many of the Christmas sweets that were hanging around my Aunt's house. Some treats were given as a gift and made their way home with me, thankfully I have pregnancy as an excuse to eat what would normally be off my diet. I like that excuse.

I was very happy to go to my Aunt's house and see how she is currently doing, she was in an accident on the last day of March and in the hospital from April to early December. Even though my husband is out of the country, and this being the first Christmas without my Mom, I think the visit went rather well. My Uncles were all very sociable and even interacted with my daughter a bit. That was pleasant. To explain that comment a bit...

One of my Uncles is not married and loves math and is very analytical, and makes you realize why no woman has wanted to marry him. He is just too... logical and not as sensitive as a woman would like a husband to be. But since the passing of my Mom (his sister) he has been talking to me more and engaging me in conversation, and even if it is about math half the time it has been nice. The other Uncle is severely bi-polar and was treated for schizophrenia for many years until they figured out he was being treated for the wrong mental disorder (this is greatly due to the successful treatment of my Mom for bi-polar and her Doctor saying it was very unlikely for her to have a brother with a completely different mental disorder). My Uncle lived with his Mom until she passed away and has lived across from my Aunt and her husband since then. He had almost no personality most of my life growing up, the schizophrenia medication tends to subdue one's personality. Very sad. But now every time I see him he seems to have come out of his shell a little more. He use to be very antisocial and stay at his house across the way and only visit for a few minutes at a time. But this visit he chatted away with everyone and even asked about KD and what words she was saying and asked about her general development. His face was very animated and he smiled a lot, not the Uncle I remember as a little girl. So this was very good to see.

My Aunt and her husband are very normal and loving people (nice to have SOME normal relatives). She and my Mom were very close and my Aunt is someone I have always looked up to and wanted to imitate her hospitality to family and friends and general kind and loving demeanor. I always thought she was a very special person. Even KD gravitates toward her. Even with my Aunt sitting in a wheel chair and half her teeth missing and her hair all chopped off and her voice sounding a bit strange (from having a tracheotomy done on her throat) KD wanted to go over to her and sit in her lap and play. Children can sense goodness in people, and my Aunt has a LOT of goodness in her. That warmed my heart to see them interacting together. My Aunt also was there when KD was born and practically delivered her! My Aunt was a labor and delivery nurse for over 22 years and when she came to the hospital the day I was delivering KD the Doctor didn't make it in time for KD's arrival. My Aunt and the nurse from the hospital were the ones that handled the whole thing!

I told my Aunt that she needs to get well enough for a repeat performance in August. And she said, "Definitely!" I told her how much she helped me out, with my breathing, and keeping me calm, and just that she was there when the Doctor wasn't I am sure helped out that nurse attending to me! She was glad she helped me out so much. And I truly do hope she is capable of doing the same thing when August rolls around. I can't imagine going through that without her the next time! I am sure I would be fine, but I would rather her be there. She was such a great coach!

My Aunt and Unlce's kids came and went. At the middle of my visit my Cousin and his wife were there to exchange gifts and have some lunch. They are fun people. Very animated in the way they talk and have a lot of things to chat with you about. No lack of conversation when they are around. And later in the evening my other Cousin came with her gifts to exchange, but most of the family had made their exit by then. Her kids weren't with her, but it was good to see her at least. She played with KD and I had a chance to play the piano for my Aunt. My Aunt always asks me to play her baby grand piano for her when I visit, and I gladly oblige. The TV was even muted for me as my Uncle, Aunt, and Cousin all listened and enjoyed. It was a small gathering of family, but it didn't feel like Christmas until I did that. They even said the same. The only thing that was missing was my Mom standing beside the piano singing along with the Christmas carols and my Aunt joining in on the alto in harmony. (My Aunt can't very well sing right now.) But the nostalgia was still felt as I sat there and played in the dimly lit room where the Christmas tree was lit and the piano sits waiting for someone to come along and tickle it's ivory keys. Poor lonely piano. My Aunt was learning how to play but never got to be that proficient in it. My Mom was the pianist of her family and then I took it up when I was 6 and took lessons all the way into my college years. So then I became the pianist of the family. It's nice to be that person, the one that plays the Christmas carols as family gathers around and sings along. I would have played earlier when my Uncles were still there, but KD was napping and so was my Aunt at one point. So I didn't want to wake anyone.

Overall I would say I am very blessed to have my family to visit and spend time with this Christmas and I hope everyone else had a very Merry Christmas as well. God bless!

Demanding Diva

2009-12-20T22:22:00.000-08:00

My two year old is very demanding, and today it was bothering me quite a bit. Being preggie and tired and emotional doesn't really equip one very well to deal with the mood swings and demands of a toddler. With KD's Daddy gone a week now I think we both are feeling the void. Its nice when he is home. He is able to help me out and help me cater to our little princess' every need or whim. With him gone I am feeling the single parent pressure. She is going to have to learn to deal with some disappointments.

This is how the day goes "Mommy hold me." I pick her up. "I want juice, I want snack, I want crackers, I want chicken, I want orange." Yes, these demands are all in one string and I have barely a chance to get a word in edge wise. I say, "You want juice?" KD, "Yeah!" with a big smile. I say, "Say please." KD, "Pleeeaase!!" I get up to get her the juice. KD in the living room starts to rattle off her other requests, I am in the kitchen and about to go nuts. KD then says, "Mommy hold me!" and starts to whine... I want juice, snack, orange! I yell back, "I am getting it! I can't hold you and get your food at the same time!" I know I shouldn't yell back, but I am getting frustrated. The preggie hormones make me feel like I am PMS-ing, getting really emotional and irritable. At this point I am wishing JD was home to help out. But he will be gone for another month, so I know that isn't going to happen. KD then cries about something in the other room, "I dropped it!" she perhaps dropped a toy on the floor or a cracker and the dog is now scooping it up... and she doesn't want to get off the couch to fetch it. I usually say, "It's okay, go pick it up." or "The doggie has it now, oh well. I am getting you juice and chicken."

This routine is constant. After she gets a few foods in front of her she demands a new food. I say, "Finish your chicken. No cookies until you eat your chicken." She takes two bites and is on it again... "Cookie?" Ughhh, it's exhausting sometimes. If I give her juice she now wants milk. There is just no pleasing her, and I think she never stops eating! My goodness! I swear you would think I am starving her to hear her ask for food all the time. Even down to the last minute before bed time she is asking for another snack and a refill on her milk or juice!

I am watching the clock closely to see if its time for her nap yet or time for bed. I can't wait to get her asleep so I can have a peaceful moment to myself. And usually at her nap time I need a nap myself! Before its time for her to go to bed I am already falling asleep on the couch as she sits on my lap and eats her 100th snack and downs her milk, while watching PBS Sprouts or Nick Junior. I am lucky if she lets me get away with a little snooze too. Pretty soon she is off the couch and wants me to play with her and Mr. Potato Head, or get up and dance to the silly song that is playing on Yo Gabba Gabba. I can't wait until JD is home again and he can field the runs to the kitchen for the 100th time or take the second round of dancing. Like I said, she is going to have to learn to deal with some disappointment.

I can't hold her and prepare her food (some things I can, but not all things) and when my belly gets bigger I won't be able to do much picking up at all. And I can't run after her through the house to play tag for 15 minutes and then do a silly dance for a half hour, and I am sure that is not going to improve with the pregnancy. And I am not willing to give into every demand or whim. She is going to have to get use to only one or two food groups at a time. I am NOT getting up and down all day long to fetch her food when she hasn't finished what I just gave her. This toddler is going to be giving me tantrums and getting time outs and I am going to be at my wits ends for a bit until she gets the message! Poor girl... poor preggie ME!

I do have my in-laws down the street to help me out. Opi (the name for her Grandpa) and Grama are helpful. Tonight I made an SOS call to them when I just was fed up with the, "I wanna, I wanna, I wanna..." and her crying when she didn't get her way. I was in no mood for the whole thing. I was about to blow my top, and that is not good. I am not a good Mother when I start to lose it. Yelling and spanking are not things I want to start doing, especially in an emotional state. It's not fair to KD either for me to behave that way. She won't understand why I am so irritable or why I am blowing up at her. So, it's good to make that phone call and get the help before I get to that breaking down point. If I can't be calm and talk to her quietly, and just let her know she is due for a time out in a composed manner, I am not in a good place. She responds well to me when I am calm and when she is merely threatened with a time out. If I am about to yell at her, or I do yell at her, then the SIREN in my brain starts to go off and I know its time to call in the troops to help.

Ok, I feel better now after venting. Hopefully tonight I will get a good night's sleep and feel refreshed and revived and have a new perspective on things in the morning. I hope I can get these preggie hormones under control, dig in and be the good Mommy my toddler deserves, and pull in the reins on my little "Demanding Diva." She will be happier and I will have a more peaceful household. All will be well.

So far so good

2009-12-18T00:24:00.000-08:00

I have only known I am pregnant for less than a week now. The day before I took a pregnancy test I felt a cramp in my stomach in one specific spot in my lower abdomen (can we say "implantation"?) and then some general cramping that was lighter and radiated across my lower abdomen. I took the test the next morning and it was positive (day 26 of cycle). Yay! That day the cramping continued to radiate across my lower abdomen and then some light (very light) spotting happened a few times during that day. After that, the cramping subsided and no more spotting, thank goodness. I was happy I wasn't seeing bright red after the positive test!
On day 28 of my cycle I decided to take the other preg test I had left, just to see it turn positive! haha... It just seems like a dream when you first see that positive and its nice to see your dreams are confirmed to be fact. The test turned positive within a millisecond LOL... definitely pregnant!
A couple days later I had some nausea and dizziness when I worked out. So I ended up doing a grocery trip for some preggie friendly foods (as well as nutritional) and added the Saltines and Ginger Ale in there too! The next day I worked out I felt fine, no dizziness and actually felt energized.

Hoping to stay focused and fit and healthy throughout pregnancy #2 and praying this one is a keeper! Which... I have a feeling it is. All symptoms so far are 100% normal and I am not too worried about a miscarriage at this time. Praying for baby #2 and thanking the Lord for His blessing, what a GREAT Christmas gift!

Doing the Happy Dance!

2009-12-14T21:08:00.000-08:00

After all my moaning and whining on this blog its about time I had good news to share about trying for baby #2... I am pregnant! Whoo Hoo! It's very new, I'm just 4 weeks into it and no Doctor's appointment yet. I waited to write on my blog until I told my close friends and family members about the event. I didn't want anyone to just happen to read my blog before I got the news out.

Even though it is early I like telling friends and family about the fact that I am pregnant. I know that the first trimester is scary because its the highest risk trimester for miscarriages. But I also know that if that happened I would want my close friends and family to know what was going on and be there for moral support as well. So, there you have it. I am still praying that all goes well and this pregnancy is as drama free as my last one. I had no problems with KD and the only thing she did that was off track was not turn around for her due date early enough. But she got there when she needed to be. Otherwise the whole thing went picture perfect.

I am so glad we got preggers this time around that JD was home. We would have had a couple more windows of opportunity coming up and then we would have stopped trying a few months to avoid overlapping with birthdays and Christmas. (I don't know if I actually would have skipped future opportunities over those reasons, but JD thinks we would have.) This baby is due at the end of August and JD's rotation shows he is suppose to be home the entire month. That is a blessing and a half. Being a pilot's wife, it can be stressful to be pregnant and know that the due date is when he will be away from home. Of course I am crossing my fingers that his rotation schedule doesn't change. That is always a possibility, but he just got this one with his new position in the Falcon.

People have been asking if we want a boy or a girl and if we want to find out before the baby is born. My feeling is I would take either. I'm 50/50 on the issue. A girl would be great because then KD would have a little sister and I think it would be fun for them to have each other as friends. But then a boy would be great because we would have one of each and I wouldn't feel bad for JD not getting his boy. JD said (after he found out I was pregnant) that he will be equally happy either way, as long as the baby is healthy. I know that is somewhat true, but I know he would like a boy next. We both only want two kids and I know he wants a boy. And on the finding out issue, I would like to wait and be told when the baby is born. Since this is the last time I will be doing this (knock on wood) I would like to know what that feels like to be told on the day the baby arrives. We found out KD was a girl very early in my pregnancy. But I am also curious about what sex the next one will be and I like to get a head start on decorating the room and I like picking out the name and not calling the baby in my belly "it" or "he/she." I think in some ways it helps you bond with your baby to call them by name during the entire pregnancy. JD is pretty sure he wants to find out before the baby is born. So, we will see what we end up doing. Probably will end up finding out early.

Hate the Wait

2009-12-09T23:47:00.000-08:00

I hate these last few days where I am waiting for my period. I could take a pregnancy test but the accuracy is diminished the further away from your period start day is and since my start day has a four day swing to it it's not worth doing that and wasting money every month. So I am trying to be patient and let "mother nature" let me know if its time to take a test or not.

Tomorrow is day 25, and when my period usually shows up... except for every 6 months or so. And I am PRAYING that it doesn't show up tomorrow. (Please God!!!) So far I have had some PMS type moodiness, but no cramps or spotting, so that is good. Sunday is day 28 so that means Monday, the latest, it should start if I am not pregnant. But if JD leaves that day I may take a pregnancy test in the morning (especially if I still have no cramps or spotting before that day). That way if I AM preggers I can let him know in person and not via Skype or e-mail or Instant Message... LOL.

There is a chance JD may get a few extra days home (something about where the plane is and crew positioning etc), and if that happens then I will wait Monday out to see if the big P comes and then take a test Tuesday morning, if it hasn't already started. Of course that would be what I would pray happens! I would rather not "waste" a test when I could wait one more day to be sure its worth taking it. (I used one of two out of the box last time, so I only have one test on hand to take.) And I would rather know that we tried during a regular length, 28 day, cycle. Especially since he will be gone the next cycle, and if this time isn't the 28 day cycle then the next one probably will be and I will be bummed that he wasn't home to try during a 28 day cycle.

I am SO repeating myself, I am so sorry if anyone is reading this blog and thinking "Quit your whining!" I feel like telling myself that, "Just shut-up already!" But typing my thoughts out helps a lot, even if its a bit repetitive. I only have one more night to go and all day tomorrow to wait to know for sure I at least I am not on a short 24 day cycle (my norm). I am crossing my fingers and praying every moment that I will make it through Sunday without a period. Then I just have to wait out Monday, or even give myself permission to cave in Monday morning and just take that darn test already! Good grief, at least then I can turn off this repetitive thought process about cycle lengths, and trying during a 28 day cycle... yadda yadda. I can't wait until Monday is over and all this wondering comes to an end. And on the other hand hoping that I do have to wait until Monday for my period to come, I am going to be really sad if it starts before then.

Post-Trying-for-Baby-Blues

2009-12-04T14:22:00.000-08:00

I was so excited when we had our next chance to try to get pregnant. Now that the window of opportunity has passed and its waiting time I have the blues. Such a let down once you know all your efforts don't count after the ovulation window has closed. Now all I want to do is sleep and hope that the next time I wake up two weeks have passed so I will know if I am pregnant or not. I hate waiting.

I think part of the blues is knowing that there is nothing else we can do at this point to get pregnant and not wanting to get my hopes up and be too excited that maybe THIS time was the time that worked. If I get too excited about it and my period comes then I will not just feel the blues I will be depressed, and I don't want that to happen.

Right now my weight is oscillating between 148 and 150 lbs, and I am trying to just work out at a low level to not over stress my body and to maintain my weight, not focus on losing any more weight. I keep telling myself, "If you aren't pregnant you will have another month to work on the next few pounds while the hubs is away, and if you are pregnant then your weight is just fine where it is." My tummy is pretty flat, at least in the morning when I first wake up. By the end of the day, of course, its a bit more bloated looking due to eating and being hydrated. But that doesn't bother me. I know that I am skinnier than I have been in a long time and that I am more fit than the last time I weighed 149 lbs. I have more muscle, I have more stamina, and I am sure my metabolism is functioning much better due to the regular exercise.

I guess the exercise and focusing on losing weight is more of a way to get my mind off trying to conceive, and right now I don't have that crutch. Its a bit aggravating and makes me want to crawl in bed, and then just stay in bed. I also want to eat, but I know that won't make me feel better. If I am not pregnant and I gained 5 lbs while waiting to find out I will be very upset with myself. Ice cream is not the answer for me right now. I try to talk to JD about my blues and how I feel, but there isn't that much to say and not much we can do about it. I suppose my focus on just maintaining my weight at 148-149 lbs will have suffice for now. It does take work to keep the pounds off, just as it takes work to get rid of it. But I really don't want to do much working out at all these past few days. I am lucky if I get in a 45 min walk (doing Leslie Sansone's 3 mile "Walk Away" dvd in my living room). I would do the more challenging DVD workouts but I am 1. not in the mood and 2. don't want to hurt my chances of getting pregnant. If I work out too hard I am not sure if that is going to hurt the chance of that little egg of latching onto my uterine wall... even if the books and my internet research says it won't hurt my chances. I just don't want to hurt any chances of this working this time and wonder, "hmmm If only I didn't do those crunches or so many jumping jacks..." or whatever. I want to have no regrets and feel like I did everything in my power to get pregnant this time.

What I am dreading is if this cycle turns out to be a 24 day cycle and not the 28 day cycle I was hoping for. If it is only 24 days I am going to be really bummed because JD won't be here for the chance to try during a 28 day cycle (which I figured would either be this month or the next one). If It is a 28 day cycle and I am not pregnant at least I know its not the length of the cycles that is causing us to not be able to get pregnant again. And then I can take all my data to my Doctor and let him know what has been going on, see if he can pin point any reason or if we are doing everything right.

So, here I am... waiting waiting waiting. Ughhhh I hate waiting! I am going to go take a nap now.

Excited Insomnia

2009-11-26T00:29:00.000-08:00

I have been sleeping better lately, I have been taking melatonin at 11pm and then shutting down the computer and TV at 11:30pm and drifting off to sleep by 12am. I then wake up naturally (no alarm clock) at 7am. If I stick to that routine I usually do fine. But lately I've been too excited to fall asleep! So I am calling this "excited insomnia," since its not the usual unable to sleep for no reason type of insomnia that I usually get.

What am I excited about? Two things... The first is that I am 149.5 lbs and if I lose 1.5 pounds this week I will be 148 lbs. The scale has hit 148 lbs already, but I am talking about my Monday weigh ins. That is one of my highest weight days during the week. Thursday and Friday tend to show the lowest numbers, and I get pretty excited over those. But every Monday the scale has been around 150 lbs or higher. This past Monday it was under 150, so that made me pretty hopeful that I am finally under that mark for good. And what excites me most is that if I do actually weigh in at 148 lbs next week then its conceivably only 3 more weeks until I am at my goal weight of 145 lbs!

While that is pretty exciting enough I am also excited that today (now that its 12:26am) I may have my LH surge, which means that in the next 24 to 48 hours I will be ovulating. I am really excited about this try in particular because of the way my cycles are and I am due for a regular length cycle this month. I am thinking that may help my chances of getting pregnant.

With those two things on my mind its hard to focus on the weight loss goal. I want to work out hard enough to lose at least a pound per week, but once I am ovulating I don't want to work too hard and harm any chances of little swimmers reaching their destination or a fertilized egg's chances of hanging onto the uterine wall. And while I know that exercising isn't suppose to effect either of those things happening, I still want to tread lightly the next two weeks to not hurt my chances of getting pregnant either. If I am pregnant and weigh 148 I should be happy, since my initial pre-pregnancy weight goal was 154 lbs. If I am not pregnant I am sure I can reach 145 pounds by the beginning of the new year. So I shouldn't feel guilty about taking things easy on the bouncing around during exercise the next two weeks and giving myself the best shot possible this time around. I don't have that many opportunities with JD being gone half the year. And these long cycle months come around for me every 6 months, so this is even a rarer event, that he is home and I have a long cycle (regular length cycle, actually). So, logically I should focus on the getting pregnant goal in my life and put the weight loss goal on the back burner. But I am SOOOOO close to being my ideal weight that its hard to stop working hard to blast those last 4.5 pounds off! I get so pumped just thinking about finally weighing 145 lbs.

I guess after writing I know what I need to do though. I wanted my second child to be BORN by now, not just to be pregnant. I can afford to take the time out of my workout schedules and plans for a couple weeks to make this chance the best it can possibly be. I can always lose weight, with or without JD home... I can't say the same for getting pregnant.

Weight loss

2009-11-16T22:36:00.000-08:00

I actually saw the scale go below 150 lbs last week. Wednesday I saw 149. Thursday and Friday I saw 148! Today the scale said 150.5 lbs, but last Monday it was 152... so even though Mondays seems to be the highest weight of the week I can see a 1.5 lb weight loss has happened since last week. That makes me happy. I want to get to 145 lbs in the next couple weeks. Then I will have another chance to try to get pregnant, since the hubs got home this past Thursday.

If I end up pregnant I will at least be at a weight that has eluded me for years now. I started out at 183 lbs when my daughter was born (October 2007), and by November 2008 I was 172 lbs and ready to get things moving after maintaing that weight for 6 months. I never thought I would see the number 145 on my scale again (what I weighed when I got married over 7 years ago). I was going to be happy with 154, but the next 4 lbs came off pretty easily, and that motivated me to go for 5 more. I am doing two workouts a day to help blast that last 5 off. And so far so good. The even better news is that my husband made a bet with a co-worker that he could lose more weight by the end of January and they are now competing. Guys are funny, they compete... women get "diet buddies" or "workout buddies" and encourage. Oh well, what ever works and motivates you. Today was my husband's first day of working out again and I took his measurements and did his weigh in. He has 56 lbs to lose, but men lose weight faster than women, so he should do pretty well if he just starts to move.

If I don't get pregnant I may shoot for 140 lbs next, being 5'-6.5" tall that isn't too much. I have been 135 before and was pretty smokin' hot and had the flattest stomach! That was in college. In High School I weighed 125, but had no bodily fat on me, was on the swim team, water polo team, and that wasn't my best look. I had a flat chest and my hip bones stuck way out, boys made fun of me. But I was naturally thin until I hit college, all of a sudden the boys were hitting on me and asking me out and I was all confused about it. Then one day a guy, who was amazingly cute and all the girls were swooning over, was giving me attention and I was like "What is the deal?" and he said, "You are a woman now" and he motioned in the air an hourglass figure. Hahaha... I was so flattered, and shocked. But he was right, I got my boobs (a day I had looked forward to all my adolescent life) and I had gained some womanly fat over my bony hips and got a little junk in my trunk... LOL Men like that, not the bony look. Well... most men like that. So I was able to embrace my curvy-ness and now I don't really want to be below 140 unless my tummy is still flabby at that weight and then I will keep doing my abs and cardio until I see that happen. At least its a goal to work to attain while I wait to get pregnant again.

If this isn't my month to get pregnant our next chance, when JD is home again and I am ovulating, will not be until early February. So, I will have a chance to work on that final 140 lb goal. But I would be more than happy to be 145 or 148 pounds and pregnant! Don't get me wrong. I know being fit and having strong abs will only help me during my pregnancy, so that is why I keep working on that goal, even though I may end up with a baby in my belly soon. I am excited I will finally be able to be fit AND pregnant. When I got pregnant with KD I wasn't fit, I was 160 lbs and was working full-time and going to school full-time, so I had no time to spend on working out. I love being able to excercise again! Its something that I intend to keep up during my pregnancy so I won't have to work this hard again to lose the weight after the second baby and then I plan to maintain my figure the rest of my life. Hopefully JD will get back to his previous sexier weight. I mean, I still think he is cute, but I miss the "hot" man I met 11 years ago. And it would help him as a father to be able to keep up with his kids as they get older and more active too.

Surprise!!!

2009-11-12T22:50:00.001-08:00

My husband was due to be home Friday evening, he sent me his flight itinerary and everything. I had to go to Bible Study at church tonight and my husband told me I may not be able to get ahold of him by phone, he said his phone was dropping signal or something like that, and he would call me after I got home from Bible Study Thursday night. I was like... sure, okay, not a big deal.

I went to Bible Study, brought KD and put her in the room with the other kids and the babysitter, everyone asked about JD and when he was coming home, then... just as we got started into our study, all of a sudden there is my husband, in his pilot's uniform, standing in the open doorway! My heart lept out of my chest and I couldn't believe my eyes! I got up and went over to him to give him a hug and a kiss. My face, I am sure, was bright pink and I felt like I was having a hot flash! One of the ladies in the room was like, awwwwe... and had teary eyes. And JD said he got picked up by his Dad and was dropped off at the church and that he had tricked me. I looked at him all shocked and gave him a mock punch in the arm and said, "You jerk!" But I was smiling, and I told everyone that I actually love surprises (I mean LOOOOOOVE surprises). But it is JD's birthday tomorrow, I should be the one surprising him! haha

Needless to say, it was a bit difficult to get back on track and into the study. But I was able to in the end. And then after the study was over we went to the room to pick up KD and I was running in front of JD to get there first so I could see her reaction to him. When she saw me she smiled and stood up from her playing, then she saw her Daddy walk in and she stood there, as if in shock. Her face was priceless. Then she sat down and started playing with another toy... LOL Kids, who knows what that was about. She acted very nonchalant about the whole thing. But I am sure she felt mainly shock and disbelief.

When we got home KD had a few snacks before bed and got to sit on her Daddy's lap and talk to him and show him just how more verbal she has gotten since he left, almost seven weeks ago. Luckily it was time for her to go to bed soon, he was tired and we both were... ahem, "missing" each other. (Blush) By the time JD fell asleep it was two hours before my bedtime, so I was watching TV in bed while he slept... and then the snoring started. Nice. Ah, the joys of having your husband home again. Lucky for me I had bought a new batch of ear plugs today when at Wal-Mart, so I am prepared. And right now I am watching my recorded shows and blogging in the living room. Everything is back to normal :-)

The excercise continues

2009-11-10T22:41:00.000-08:00

I weighed in on Monday and lost maybe... at most... 1/2 a lb. Sunday showed no change on the scale but Monday morning it showed a 1/2 lb difference compared to the previous week. So, we will see what happens next week. But the exciting thing is when I measured my belly area (where I want to lose the extra flab) I lost 1 1/2" from that area! So that is fabulous!! I really am trying to keep my focus on the inches, even though I would love to finally break the 150 lb barrier, which is what I supposedly weigh at the moment... or maybe 150.5 lbs.

So the excercise continues! I did weights with some cardio involved 5 days a week and cardio with some weights involved 5 days a week (for my 2 workouts a day). Since my muscles were constantly sore every day last week and Monday were practically crying at me for all the abuse (and therefore I didn't do the weights that day, just the cardio) I have decided to just keep up the weights 3 workouts per week and the 7 other workouts focus on cardio. This should be a successful plan. I don't want to lose the muscle tone I already have, but I want to blast off the last layer of fat on my tummy. And we all know (or should) that the only way to get rid of that is not doing a bunch of crunches and lifting weights, but by doing your cardio and eating a low fat/ low calorie/ healthy diet. BUT I also know that the muscle is important in maintaining my metabolism, muscle burns more fat! So its a balancing act.

My husband should be home soon, this Friday. So that makes me happy. I can't wait to see him again! By the time he is home it will almost be 7 full weeks since he left. I am use to 35 days of him being gone. So its been rough for me. And KD has been hurting herself in random ways lately too. The other day she walked right into the corner of a bar ledge at her grandparent's house, and then while she was throwing tantrums throughout the house the other day (after being told "no" a couple times) she got some sort of rug burn on her forehead (hahah... have to laugh, its just ridiculous), and then today to top it off she fell off a chair as she lurched forward to get off and smacked her face on the cement and cut her lip open on her teeth... so she has a black eye from the ledge, a red mark from her tantrums, and a fat lip from the fall today. Such a pretty picture. And I did take a picture to show her Daddy just how crazy big that fat lip was today! She handles all the bumps like a pro. She shakes it off pretty easily. But she does also milk it for sympathy and wants to be cuddled and pampered. But that is okay with me, she isn't that cuddly that often since she became a busy toddler. :-) I just want her to stop injuring herself... at least until her Daddy comes home, then he can deal with it. Hahah

Happy things

2009-11-05T15:09:00.000-08:00

I like it when so many things go well in life. So much of the time we hear the bad news and never enough good news! So here is all my good news :)

My husband is finally coming home! Yay!! He arrives home on his birthday, November 13th! Happy birthday, I arranged that especially for you, Hun. Ok, well... maybe not. But that is a great birthday present! He got signed off to the line early, he needed 6 more training hours in the plane and his fleet manager signed him off because it seems like he had been "flying the falcon for years" ...impressive! So I guess my husband is a good pilot after all. Haha... I knew that already. He says enough things that I can tell. And I have flown with him before, he is very professional and knowledgeable. And this means he will be home for Thanksgiving this year. He leaves again December 14th for his rotation, but I will take what I can get :-)

One very good thing about JD coming home is that we have another chance to try for that baby #2 we have been wanting. I am wondering if this is our time? I have short cycles, but every 6 months or so I have a normal length one. I wonder if when its a normal 28 day cycle (which it should be during the time he is home) that I am more fertile? Perhaps the lining isn't thick enough for that egg to stick to and that's why I have my period 4 to 5 days early every month? Someone mentioned her sister had short periods and that is what the Dr. was thinking for her situation. So, I don't know for sure if that is happening with me, but this will be interesting. Of course, I don't know if my cycle will be 28 days this time... but looking at past history I am due for that regular cycle very soon.

My Aunt Pattie, who has been in the hospital since April this year, is now at a rehab facility and is off all tubes and the trachea things are gone out of her neck! Yay!! So happy she has been doing so well and turning that corner like she is in the Indie 500... haha. She may even be home to celebrate Thanksgiving with us! Double Yay!!! I don't know if that will actually happen, but it means a lot for someone to say its possible. I am sure if she comes home she will still need to go to physical therapy, but I know she wants to come home, and we all want her home too.

I also am planning on having lunch with a couple fellow bloggers who actually follow my blog! So cool! I am so stoked about that!! They are also pilot wives and its fun to meet other PWs who know where you are coming from on certain areas that others just have no clue about. And my hubby will be home to watch the munchkin, so I don't have to worry about her coming with me and getting antsy at the restaurant and not being able to pay attention to everyone and have a good chat. Yay!!

This month I also decided to pick up the pace and try to lose 5 more pounds and make my belly flab go away for good! After the months and months of crunches and other ab work my abs are hard as a rock! I can see some definition occurring on the sides of my abs and there is just this little pudgy area around my belly button (from being pregnant with KD) that is being super stubborn. I want to see all my hard work under there :-) So, I have committed myself to doing two 30 to 45 min workouts a day, five days a week. This week is my first week and I have done 3 out of 5 days so far. Plus I am watching what I eat, of course... counting those calories (so annoying, but necessary). Also, I am happy to say I weigh less today than I have in YEARS! I don't even remember the last time I was this close to being under the 150 lbs mark. I am guessing it was in 2004 or 2005. I weigh 150.5 lbs right now and am SO close to getting under that this week. I am so excited, I can't even tell you! Just... so excited!!

Life is good :-) Hope you find your "happy things" list today too!

Happy Halloween!

2009-10-31T12:57:00.000-07:00

I have been a busy gal for Halloween. I haven't decorated my own house, just a pumpkin (one inside and one outside). And the one inside I drew the face on. The one outside is on a shelf under a window with a few scarecrows hanging out in the planter. So I look like a Halloween grouch LOL. But I have been busy painting and creating for other projects.

A friend of mine commissioned me to do some photo op items for her church's Harvest Festival. One of them you stick your face through different characters (like a scarecrow, a pumpkin, a farmer) and the other one was a row of corn stalks and they are going to place a couple bales of hay in front of it for people to sit on and have their picture taken. Those were fun, but took a lot of my free time. I had to do them during the hours my daughter took her nap and after she went to bed. I often stayed up until 2am to finish. But that is normal for me, to be up that late. But man did my bum hurt! I think I squatted too much during the painting of those. (They were both around 4' x 7'... so rather large.)

After those were completed I headed over to my own church to help decorate for our Harvest Festival, this was pro-bono. I volunteered to decorate a couple doors in themes for the "treasure or treat" hunt the kids will be doing. I chose the music and art theme doors. Since I play the piano and sing, and compose music I thought I could handle that. And since I am an artist I thought I could swing the other one too :-) They did turn out cute. I used craft paper for those. I was DONE with the painting! Those I did mostly during the day time, while KD played with the other Mom's (who were doing other doors) kids or with Grandma at home. I did stay up late last night cutting out music notes and staff lines etc, for my music door, until about 1:30am. I think painting would have been easier, but it looked better with the paper.

My hubby is still gone flying, trying to accumulate those training hours so he can come home. He has been gone from home for over 5 weeks so he is getting antsy. He has 15 hours down and 10 to go. He is a bit sad about not being able to go with me and KD to our church's Harvest Festival. It should be fun. There will be a bounce house, the prizes at the themed doors, some games, a cake walk, BBQ, a live rock-a-billy band, face painting (I might be wrangled in for that job too). Sounds like a good time to me! I don't have a cute costume for KD to wear. I have a shirt that says "Boo-tiful" on it and some black leggings that have silver sparkles in it and some pumpkin socks. So she will be dressed in Halloween themed items. She likes to dress up, but only for a few minutes and then she wants out of her tutu or whatever she put on. So, maybe next year when she is three she will be ready for a cute costume. Last year we stayed home so I put on her ladybug dress that my cousin gave her and she wore that around the house and the front yard and helped up pass out candy to the kiddos when they rang the door. This year I didn't buy any candy since we won't be home tonight. So glad about that... don't want left over sweets to be tempting me. And I hope that what KD gets tonight isn't that much. In fact I will make sure it isn't. I will be the one ending up eating it or just tossing it. I still have 6 lbs to lose and I am going to really focus this next month on exercising and doing more cardio to lose that last bit of flab on my belly. Otherwise I am looking pretty good these days.

I hope JD gets home soon, it would be nice to have him home for Thanksgiving and Christmas. And to have another chance or two for baby making hee hee. The more chances we have the better, right?

Have a Happy Halloween everybody! Stay safe!

Texas visit

2009-10-15T22:26:00.000-07:00

I got to go to Texas this past Monday to today (Thursday). My hubs is there training for the new plane he has been promoted to fly. He will be flying a Falcon now, he was flying the Hawker. I got to sit in a sim while he "flew." It was really cool, this box on hydraulic legs that bounced you around and shook and all kinds of things. If you have ever been on the "Star Tours" ride at Disneyland it was kind of like that.

We were able to time my visit with the time of month that I am suppose to be ovulating, but who knows if we "hit the target" or not? We tried our best to not talk about it and just hang out, have fun, no pressure. I really don't want it to become a chore to be intimate. If we aren't in the mood... then we aren't in the mood, no biggie. But we hadn't seen each other for a couple weeks, so getting into the mood wasn't that difficult... hee hee. I just don't want to get my hopes up too high and then get the blues again.

Today I heard that another friend of mine had a miscarriage... so sad. She was past the first trimester and just started into the 2nd trimester. So, that couple must feel devastated right now. She has two kids already, but I don't think that makes it any easier when you lose a baby beyond the first few weeks of pregnancy. At this point she may have even seen her baby bouncing around on the ultrasound, and I am sure she at least has heard the heart beat. It just makes you realize how delicate the whole process is of having a baby. Its more amazing when nothing goes wrong and Mom does fine and baby turns out perfectly healthy.

Like with my first pregnancy... Our first try and we get preggers right away, and I didn't have any complications at all during my pregnancy, and when KD was born she didn't have any problems. When she had her first check-up the Pediatrician was like, "Its really amazing when a child is born completely healthy... absolutely no problems." We did feel very blessed. Today's news just further spurred me to be thankful to God for giving us such a wonderful daughter. She is smart as a whip and ahead of the curve for most of her developmental mile stones. Can't help but feel blessed.

I also realized today that even if I get preggers it doesn't mean that we are "out of the woods" just yet. Its pretty common to have a miscarriage, 1 in 4 pregnant women end up having one. So, I do want to get pregnant, and I want to be excited about it if it happens, but I will have to realize that our dreams of a second baby may fall flat even just after finding out I am pregnant. I will have to continue to brace myself for the worse, while hoping for the best. You just never know what can happen. I know my husband and I have even had the conversation... if he had to decide between me living or the baby living who would he choose? Its a horrible thought, and one I hope he will never be put in the position to make, but its good to talk about these things. He decided he would rather have me, we can always make another baby... but he doesn't want to lose his wife. I would probably want my baby to live over me, but I think that is the Motherly instinct, and I agreed with my husband's wishes and said if we are ever in that position I support his decision to save me, his wife, over our baby. I am sure I would be devastated though, if it was a scenario where I was 9 months along and ready to bring a baby home and then lost the little one instead. Very sad. Okay... enough depressing talk.

My Aunt, doing better

2009-10-09T16:16:00.000-07:00

I got to visit my Aunt today, thanks to a friend from my church who volunteered to watch KD. She is talking using a voice box "button" that is in the place where her trachea tube use to be. So her voice didn't sound like her, but it was wonderful to be able to talk to her again. When she was awake, when I visited before, she had to mouth everything and it was difficult to understand what she was trying to say. While I was there the Physical Therapist came in and had her sit up and get into a wheelchair. It was good to see her starting to gain some strength, although just that task alone was difficult and she needed his assistance quite a bit. He mentioned that her neck brace could probably come off at this point, but they have to do some x-rays first and the Doctor has to sign off on it, of course. But its good, I think, if the PT already thinks she could handle supporting her neck without the brace.

She asked if my Mom was at home when she passed away, I said, "Yes. It was a quick and painless death. They think it was a heart attack." But I didn't tell her any more details about Mom's passing. I figured she didn't need to know all those things, just needed to know she died painlessly and to continue to be happy for her, that she is in Heaven. My Aunt seemed to be okay with the news, happy that her sister is now in a better place and no longer suffering from mental illness and the other physical ailments that she was acquiring towards the end of her life. I feel the same way. Even if I do miss my Mom at least I don't have to worry about her anymore, which I often did. I was always concerned about her being lonely or if she was taking her meds properly, if she was eating well enough etc. So, its nice to not have to be worried about those things anymore. I am blessed that I had a Mother for as long as I did.

I brought a collage board I made to set up at my Mom's memorial service, she liked looking at that. I left it there for my Aunt, so she can see my Mom whenever she thinks about her. I have all those pictures on my computer, so I don't need the board. I also set up my laptop so my Aunt could see KD, since I can't bring my little girl in due to the amount of germs in that environment. My Aunt enjoyed that as well. I would have brought pictures, but it would take days to print as many as I have of KD! So this way she could see more pics and even saw a couple little videos I made of KD singing in the tub, and sitting at the piano playing and singing. It was a good visit.

My Aunt said she feels the prayers of everyone, after I told her many people have been keeping her in their prayers. I am glad she feels encouraged and loved by everyone, even though she is alone most of the day in the hospital. I can't explain how happy I am to have seen her in the condition she is in! There are no words to explain it all. Although she is not fully recovered she has come so far since I last saw her, and that is very encouraging. And it is wonderful hearing her say, "I love you" and be able to give her kisses. I would have given her a big bear hug, but didn't want to pull any tubes loose, or wrench her neck. It was just nice to see her awake and talking and sitting up again. I am very pleased to see her doing better!

Anxiety lifted

2009-10-08T12:42:00.000-07:00

I found out today that my Uncle already told my Aunt about my Mom's passing. So now I don't have to be stressed about breaking the news to her tomorrow when I see her. It would have been nice if he told me when he broke the news so I wouldn't be worried about it. Oh well, at least now I can go enjoy a nice visit with my Aunt.

He didn't tell her the truth, he said my Mom passed away in her sleep (she had a heart attack and the story is a bit more complicated than just saying she died in her sleep). But I am not going to bother my Aunt with the details right now, she doesn't need to get worried about any of this. My Uncle said she took the news okay. I am kind of surprised about that, but then again my Mom's life wasn't all peachy keen and my Aunt knows as well as I do that Mom was a Christian and we both believe that she is in Heaven and a whole person again. So it really is more of a time to rejoice than a time to mourn. But I am sure some sort of grief about it will hit at some point. Its hard not to miss a loved one, even if you are happy they are in Heaven.

I am very excited to see my Auntie Pat now... can't wait for tomorrow!

Anxiety about breaking bad news

2009-10-07T23:58:00.001-07:00

I have been really emotional lately, partly because we are trying to get pregnant. I think the other part of the equation is that I may be telling my Aunt the bad news about my Mom, her sister, soon. She doesn't know yet that my Mom passed away in July. And here we are in October already.

I haven't seen my Aunt since she got her halo-brace removed, a few weeks ago, and since she has been able to talk again. She recently got her trachea tube removed and now can talk and not just mouth words, that I can't read half the time. The last three times I saw her she was asleep and if she opened her eyes it wasn't for long, and I don't think she realized I was there. So I am excited to see her now that she is more awake and aware of what happened and where she is. She is also walking using a walker and with assistance from nurses! I can't wait to see her! I am so happy she has turned the corner and isn't at the doorstep of death anymore. She had so many close calls that sometimes I really thought she was going to die.

But when I go see her she may ask me about my Mom. She already asked about her when talking to her husband, and he said she wanted to visit but wasn't able to get a ride. I don't want to lie to her, but I understand why he doesn't want her to know the bad news yet, he is afraid she isn't strong enough for the news yet. I can tell her, if she even asks, that my Mom isn't able to come visit. And if she asks why then I may try, "Don't worry about her, she wants you to get better and loves you." And if that doesn't do the job to deflect the questions I may end up telling her that her sister has passed away and that is why she hasn't seen her. I know eventually this is going to happen, and I don't want to lie to her because I don't want her to be angry at us for keeping this from her. Its hard to know what to do in this situation. I guess if she presses and demands to know why my Mom can't come see her she may be strong enough to get the truth.

The other part of my anxiety lately is not only about potentially telling my Aunt but knowing how hard she is going to take it and how hard its going to be to see her cry. I think its going to make me relive the experience a bit again, and that will be hard for me as well. But I really want to be there whenever she gets the news because I want to be able to hug her and hold her hand and cry with her and talk about it. Since my Mom, my Aunt, and I were all so close to each other I feel that it will be important for her to have me as a support to get through the grief. We took many vacations together and they were both there when my daughter was born. When my parents divorced I chose to live with my Mom (while my brothers chose to live with my Dad) and my Aunt often came over to read the Bible to my Mom and pray for her, and she was there for me when my Mom (who was Manic Depressive) ended up in the mental hospital a couple times. I would stay at my Aunt's house and she would make sure I got to school and would take care of me until my Mom was out of the hospital again. I guess she is like a second Mom to me, and also kind of like a sister to me as well. She is just the best Auntie a girl could ever wish for and I love her to pieces, I would literally die for her and trade places with her in a second to give her relief from this whole painful process. I love her that much. She means to world to me! And with my Mom gone I am really glad that she is recovering and that I won't be losing her too.

I am planning, at this time, to drive out to see her Friday. It will take about 45 minutes to get there with no traffic, which I hope to avoid by leaving at 10am. And I have a friend that is able to watch KD so I don't have to take her to the hospital and expose her to possible diseases. She hasn't gotten her flu shot yet and I don't want KD to be getting sick. And I have left messages for my Uncle, my Cousin, and my Mother-in-law about going with me. If I can have someone there to help me with all this that would be great. But I feel that I really need to see my Aunt no matter what, even if I have to see her alone. Its been too long and I haven't seen her since she has made progress.

Beating the Blues

2009-10-06T00:23:00.001-07:00

I am attempting to get back into gear and not let the fact that I am not pregnant get me down. I only did my exercise two days last week, and only for a half our. The day I got my period was the last day I worked out. The rest of the week I ate too much sweets and was drinking a wine cooler every night before bed, and I don't drink on a daily basis. I drink only on social occasions, and even then not every time. So for me to be drinking at all says a lot. (I had the alcohol from a Bunco party that I hosted at my house Friday night, and the ladies left it for me. I should have sent it out the door with whoever brought it.)

I gained 1.5 lbs from all the slacking last week. So I definitely can't keep that up and need to pull myself up by the boot straps and get my butt in gear again. My next weight goal (I am below my first goal) was only 6 pounds away, but now its almost 8 pounds away... I am headed in the wrong direction. But I know it was just because I was feeling down. I need to reset my focus and strive towards this new weight loss goal and not think about getting pregnant.

Today, even though I was tempted to just get my P.J.'s on and hop into bed tonight, I finally did my workout like a good girl. I even didn't eat that bad and when tempted to reach for one of the last two wine coolers I decided that a tall glass of water would be a better option and allowed myself a Diet Coke with a scoop of trail mix as a "good job" treat, for getting back into the routine.

Next week I am going to go visit my husband in Texas, where he is training. He is leaving next week Friday for work again and I won't be seeing him until November sometime. I am not sure when in November either, since he has to get 25 hours in the new plane he is training for first. What I am going to TRY to do is put baby-making out of my brain, and encourage him to not think about it either, and just have fun, relax, and enjoy the time I have before he leaves. (Even though, yes, it happens to be the week that I should be ovulating.)

After thinking it all through, in my last post, I have decided there is nothing to be blue about, we have plenty of time still to get pregnant and I don't need to put any pressure on myself or my husband to get this accomplished in the next few months. Having kids 3 to 5 years apart isn't the worse thing that could happen.

Today I also received news that the girlfriend who got pregnant after just one try had a miscarriage. (I think I mentioned her before.) Her first daughter is the same age as my first daughter, they are 3 days apart. I was a bit sad to hear she got pregnant right away (excited for her, but sad for me) and was hoping to be close behind her and have our next kids around the same time. It goes to show you, even if I do get pregnant there are no guarantees that everything will go perfectly well. I can't put so much pressure on myself that if I do get pregnant and then miscarry that I end up being miserable and horribly depressed about it. If I am already feeling blue every time my period comes around how much worse would I take it if I ended up miscarrying? Time to get it together and get back on track with my life.

Chances came and went

2009-10-03T22:06:00.001-07:00

So far 5 chances have come and gone for me to get pregnant. there are 7 more opportunities to get pregnant and have a baby by the time KD turns 3. Out of those 7 I have no idea when the hubs will be home to take advantage of them. And I was wondering, how long am I willing to try for a second baby?

I wanted my kids to be two years apart, and I was hoping three years apart would be the max separation between them. Also, I will be turning 35 next year, and they say if you get pregnant at that age its considered a high risk pregnancy. I was hoping to avoid that time. I know there are more tests, more invasive procedures and I really didn't want to have to go through those with the second pregnancy. And at this point I also am wondering if I will get pregnant again at all. I know I haven't tried as long as other people, that it takes most women 6 to 12 months to get pregnant. With my first it took us two tries. So I am probably prematurely freaking out. But the question of how long am I willing to try still remains.

Am I willing to be 36 and pregnant? Yes. How about 37 and pregnant? Sure. How about 38? Ummm now we are pushing it. Or how about 39 or 40 years old and pregnant? Definitely not! So that means I am willing to keep the possibility open (not get on the pill or talk my husband into a vasectomy) until I am around 36 1/2 to 37 years old. So I have another 2 1/2 years to get pregnant before shutting the baby factory down. And that means there would be a maximum possible age gap of 5 years between my kids. I guess that's not that bad. I know many people that have said that happened to them. The first came easily and the second they tried for five years before being successful.

I look at the future and calculate out things like: When will kid#2 be in Kindergarten? If my kids are 5 years apart then I would be 42 years old with a kid in Kindergarten and the other one in 3rd grade. Another calculation that is scary to look at is, how old will I be when KD is 13? I will be 45! And kid #2 will only be 8 years old (with the 5 year gap scenario). Another fun one is that when I am 50 then kid#2 will be 15! Wow... that one is scary. HAHA

One major reason for capping off the time I am willing to get pregnant is that I want to get back into Interior Design before I am too old to get a career off the ground and actually enjoy it! It also would be nice to be ready to open my own in home business and be there for my kids when they are teenagers. So I look at when the second kid will be in Kindergarten because that is when I can start working, at least part time, again. Being 40 years old and starting back into the design field would be preferable to being 42, but I guess having a second kid is important enough to me to be willing to wait two more years to start working again. And then I am looking at how long it may take me to pick things up again and be able to have enough confidence to stand on my own two feet and run my own personal Interior Design firm... So that I will be able to be home when they are in the crucial teenage years and really need their parents to watch out for them again and be there for them. All things that I am hoping to accomplish, yet am afraid it won't happen if I wait too long and get pregnant too late in life.

Its not that a career is the most important thing in life. But I barely got a chance to get that part of my life going. I did design work while I went to school to get my BA degree, and only had a year of experience as a Kitchen Designer under my belt once I was done with school and got pregnant with my first. But I was not willing to wait any longer to start a family, so I was happy to stop working to do that. I like being a stay-at-home-Mom. Being a SAHM is a privilege and and honor. But it is wearisome to be home all day, week in and week out. And to be a SAHM for the rest of my life isn't something that I was planning. What I am thinking is, if I have kid#2 too late then that is what will happen. I will have one kid, send her off to college and then waiting another decade for the other kid in the house to go off to college and by the time that all happens my husband will be ready to retire and my schooling will be so long ago that no one cares anymore, and my experience will be so dated that it won't cause any employer to be impressed, and I won't have enough contacts and experience to just swing open the doors of my own business and start getting clients. Is that my future? I am really hoping its not.

I guess with my "have second kid by age 38" plan then I will be 53 when the second one is off to college, will have at least 10 years of work experience back in the Interior Design field at that point. And who knows, perhaps within those 10 years I will have gained enough experience and been able to open my in home design studio, so I could be at home more during the kids' teen years. OR... I could at least work part time during those 10 years and be home by the time they are out of school. And once they are off to college then I could turn one of their bedrooms into my office and start my own business, with plenty of confidence and experience under my belt for people to feel they can trust me and hire me to do design work for them. Then I would have at least another 10+ years of a career as an Independent Interior Designer and be able to happily retire whenever I felt like it and enjoy the rest of my days as a Grandma (if the Lord blesses me and my husband with grandchildren). That sounds pretty good, actually. I hope it all turns out like that. That would be a dream come true for me. And who knows, perhaps one or both of my kids would like to go into business with me, once they are out of college, and it will be a family business? That would just take the cake!

Okay, so now I have talked myself out of stressing about just 5 chances and only 7 more before KD is 3 etc. I can chill out and wait for things to happen for a few years and then move on with my life with the one lovely and wonderful blessing of a child I already have. I just had to think it all out and show myself that I have plenty of time before I am too old to have it all. And wouldn't I just be the luckiest woman in the world if my dreams all did come true like that? And wouldn't I be just as lucky if they didn't happen like I just dreamed, and KD grew up to be a lovely young woman and I went back to work without having a second child? Either way you slice it I will count myself blessed. I have a wonderful, loving, hard working husband and a beautiful daughter, and a BA degree in Interior Design to take advantage of in the future. The world is my oyster, as the saying goes.

I just want to take a moment to thank the Lord for all His blessings, and I will trust Him to give me a second child or to withhold that blessing from my life. And I will wait on the Lord to give me even more than my heart can imagine in ways I could never dream. He knows what I need, and what is good for me to have. So I will trust in Him, to do as He has planned for me.

Here we go again

2009-09-20T00:54:00.000-07:00

The hubs got sent home early because they are upgrading him to a larger plane and his training starts a couple days before the end of his regular rotation. It was nice of them to send him home for a break because once he goes to training he will be there for 25 days and then they send him back to work to get 25 hours of flight hours with a training captain. So, he would've been gone for a long time if he wasn't sent home first. Its going to be long enough as it is!

Just so happens that the two weeks home happens to land us in that window of opportunity to get me pregnant. I am suppose to be ovulating and he has been home for a few days already. So, here we go again... I am all happy and sad and all over the map. I don't want to get up my hopes too high only to be disappointed again when my period comes, but I want to stay positive and not get depressed or stressed out over it. Like I said before, knowing when you ovulate is more of a curse than a blessing. There is so much pressure to try to make a baby when that time arrives. At least we have been able to keep the romance in the equation, I'm glad its not turning into some sort of business transaction... hahahah

I just hate that wait for the period to start. Its just torture!!!!

Bummer

2009-09-06T23:37:00.000-07:00

I'm not pregnant. This last try before my husband left for his 35 day rotation didn't take. I guess we will see if it ever happens. I hope I get pregnant before the end of this year, but I don't know if I want to keep trying for a long time. I really was hoping to avoid being 35 years old when got preggers again, that is the "high risk" age... it starts there. And the later I get pregnant the older KD is, obviously. I don't really want to send a kid off to school and then end up pregnant and have to stay home until that one starts school. I wanted to go back to work eventually and use my Interior Design BA degree and get more experience so I could run my own business out of my home. I think staying home is really important for the first 4 or 5 years of a kids life, if one is able to financially do that. I am happy I am able to do that for KD, and the next one I would want to put the same time and effort into raising. So... I don't know. I don't want to get my hopes up, and yet want to keep trying, but don't want to stress out over the idea of trying for another kid.

The one kid we ended up with is pretty great. She is so great that sometimes we joke that our next kid will be "special" lol... It's kind of off color humor, but we joke about it. We just mean to say that KD is so smart, so cute, so great that we just don't know how we will ever top that! It makes me want to not try sometimes because we may not end up with such a happy, easy going kid that likes to nap and sleeps 12 hours a night, and all that stuff. Sure, she isn't perfect... and she has her moments. But doesn't every kid? I think she is as good as it gets. It would be nice though (I think) for her to have a sibling. I think that is the main reason I am even trying to get pregnant again. The second reason is that I have a girl and my hubby would like to have boy. Of course, having another one doesn't guarantee that we would have a boy, so he would have to take what he got. And I know for sure I am not going to try for a third. That's it for me. Kudos to those moms out there who have 4 kids, 5 kids... or more. But I just don't see that working for me. I think I would be soooo stressed out. Maybe not, but that is what I think.

Well, not much more to say about the subject. I will post something later when I have something.

Almost there...!

2009-08-31T21:45:00.000-07:00

I weighed myself today and was only 1 pound away from my weight loss goal! Woo Hoo!!!!!!!!!! I wanted my weight to be at a number that was considered a "normal" BMI for my height and age before I got preggers and I am almost there. I started dieting and exercising in October 2008 and then kind of tapered off a bit and then picked up the pace in April 2009. Since April I have lost 16.5 pounds! I am so proud of myself for sticking with all the calorie counting and the hour long workouts 6 days, sometimes even 7 days, a week.

I am happy to report that I didn't deprive myself of any food during this time. The very word "diet" causes me to go on a carb and sugar binge. Just thinking about not being able to eat a bite of a brownie makes me eat a whole pan... you get the idea. So, I decided at the outset that I would allow myself whatever whenever and then made a promise to myself to exercise off the extra calories instead of depriving my mouth and body of their deliciousness. That attitude actually had me considering the benefits v cost of every "naughty" treat. I ended up wanting them less as I exercised more and the healthier I felt. Also, seeing the numbers go down on the scale was often motivation enough not to eat unhealthy. Because the better I ate the quicker the pounds came off.

I counted calories, I even counted every deliciously naughty treat. My husband would warn me, "You don't want to know how many calories you just ate" and I would say, "knowledge is better than being ignorant." So I guess I don't believe in the old adage "ignorance is bliss." My thinking was, even if today I went waaaaaaayyyy over my calorie allowance tomorrow I can work out a little bit more, or add 10 minutes to every work out for the rest of the week and know that those cals won't count by the time I do my weigh in. And that thinking actually worked! So, yes, I did have to eat better the rest of the week and not tip the calorie scale again, and yes I did have to exercise more. But in the end I was happy because I could go to a BBQ and eat whatever I wanted and I could roast a few marshmallows and eat a few s'mores at a summer campfire and not bat an eye. I ALWAYS counted how many I ate and recorded it in my food journal later, but never regretted the decision.

As far as the exercise part I found several DVDs that I liked and rotated through them as I got bored with one. And I also added walking, and yoga, and the occasional gym circuit to the mix when I could. I get bored really easy with doing the same thing over and over, so I had to change it every couple weeks. But I also think that was part of my success. I have heard about that process called "muscle confusion" and figured that was pretty much what I was doing. I was engaging my brain and my muscles in a different way every couple weeks, so just as I got use to a certain order of exercises and routine I switched it up on myself. I also am a stay at home mom and have a 22 month old, so I didn't have time to run out to the gym every day. So I did what worked for me. It was soooooo easy just to turn on the DVD as soon as she went down for a nap or went to bed for the night and exercise for 30 to 60 minutes. I literally would lay her down for her nap or for bed at night, turn on the DVD player, walk over to my room, put on my exercise clothes and tennis shoes and then go to the living room and work out with my DVDs. If I was tired a particular day I skipped it, or if it was too hot in the middle of the day I waited until the night. I would give myself permission to take a nap, take a break, or eat an extra snack if I really wanted to. The freedom to do as I please but also the ability to see the goal ahead was the magical combination for me.

One other thing I think made it work for me was tracking my progress and writing it all down as I went. It was encouraging to look back over the past week and see that I worked out 6 times that week for 60 minutes, and I ate the allotted calories I had planned for the week, and see the number on the scale going down. For me that was TRUE motivation. It also helped during those weeks when I didn't see a change on the scale to realize I was at least getting healthier. All that exercise wasn't going to waste, even if I didn't lose any weight. Because the point of exercise and diet is to be healthy and to maintain those healthy habits for the rest of your life, not just to reach a weight goal and then to stop and wait until the next time you gain 10 or 20 pounds. I plan to keep working out for 30 minutes (minimum) a day, 5 days a week for the rest of my life. This is no short time plan here, this is a life changing plan. And I am glad I have this new habit formed and will be so happy to be able to keep it up, even when I get pregnant again.

So, for all of you who are like me, and hate to "diet," I want to encourage you to find an exercise program that you like, count those calories, don't deprive yourself, and give yourself permission to take a break from the routine every once in a while. Just make sure you get back on that horse if you fall off it and keep it up! I also would recommend a heart rate monitor. It takes all the guess work out of how many calories you are shedding during your work out and you know if you are working hard or hardly working hee hee. And use a free online calorie counting website, they help you look up foods easily and keep track of it all with out buying books to look foods up or using a lot of paper (but I still liked keeping a physical journal because I like to look at it all written out in my own hand writing.) I would also suggest only weighing in one day a week, at the same time of the day every week. It doesn't matter which day of the week, whatever works for you, but to accurately compare numbers and track your progress you can't compare day to day numbers or a Monday one week to a Wednesday another week and expect to see consistency in weight loss numbers. If you feel the urge to step on it on every day just shrug it off it it looks worse, or if its better take that as encouragement that you are headed in the right direction.

Of coure I have one more pound to go, but I'm not worried. I know I will do it, and I don't even care if it takes another month. This exercising, calorie countin' Momma ain't stoppin' for anything! Even if I find out I am preggers soon I will continue exercising (althought the weight LOSS part will stop, and the calorie allowance will go up... but I am looking forward to that part).

Potty Training already?!

2009-08-30T17:55:00.000-07:00

Okay, so my daughter is 22 months old. One day my hubby put her down for her nap in a poopy diaper. He knew it was poopy and then forgot to take care of it before putting her down. Anyways, it turned out to be a good thing because since then she has told us when she is about to poop or has pooped. Before this time she was always content to walk around in a soiled diaper, which I could never figure out why. Anyways, so she became interested in the toilet as well. I bought her a toilet seat to put on the big toilet and put a stool in front and she actually peed on the toilet after one accident of playing with it and peeing next to it and I immediately put her on the toilet and told her to pee there. That was a couple weeks ago. Since then she hasn't shown much interest in actually peeing or pooping on the toilet. So then I thought I would get her the little potty that sits on the ground for easy access, I thought "perhaps that would be more appealing?" and I was right!

Last night she played with her new potty and today she came up to me and said "potty" and pointed towards the bathroom. We went in there, pulled down her shorts and pulled off the diaper and she played on the potty for a few minutes and then all of a sudden she started to poop on the floor... I immediately sat her on the potty and she finished the poop there. I showed her the one on the floor belonged in the toilet and then dumped it all in the big toilet and flushed it. She seemed a bit appalled by the whole poop incident, but I was so proud of her! She knew she had to go and told me, and ALMOST actually used it right.

So now I am on the Internet and reading my baby books to see what is next. I was wondering if she was too young, but according to what I read she is just at the right point for the early learners. She must take after her Mommy, my Mom told me that I asked to be potty trained when I was around two. I did have two older brothers though and my parents as an example, KD is an only child. Anyways, I am happy she is interested and that this could be the beginning of the potty training adventure. Of course I know she could regress or stop being interested at some point too, but I feel I should "strike while the irons hot." Sorry my blog has taken a poopy turn for now, but I may have other things to write about soon... don't you worry!

I guess I still need to buy a few items, so its off to the store for some training items: hand sanitizer, flushable wipes, pull ups, stickers for a reward, elastic waste banded shorts (for KD to pull off and on herself), and perhaps even a trip to the library for a DVD and a book or two (for her and me). Any tips from Mom's who have been down this road successfully already would be welcome. I have some concerns, she can't pull down her own pants yet, not for lack of trying (but hoping the pull ups will be easy to handle and that elastic waste bands will help her learn) and she has limited verbal skills (although she is a very good communicator with the words she does know and she knows how to say potty, poo poo, and pee pee.) I also don't know how to take this adventure on the road and if I need to fill her with water and juice for the next week to make sure she pees often or use a timer to remind us to go to the potty every 30 to 90 minutes or whatever. I don't know if I should expect her to learn this skill in a few days and go to underwear at her young age or if the pull ups are fine until she is a bit older. I don't know a lot, but I am ready to dive in!

I wanna wrap myself in bubble wrap

2009-08-27T23:20:00.000-07:00

I have been exercising for a while now, getting back to my pre-pregnancy weight from the first kid, and now I am finally under that weight and on my way to getting to an even more decent weight. Anyways, now I am trying to get pregnant with kid #2 and every time we have tried to conceive I want to just lay horizontal and wrap myself in bubble wrap as to not jiggle anything loose that is necessary for this to work. As if jumping jacks or stomach crunches would cause me to not get pregnant. I have read over an over on Internet sites that exercising while ovulating and trying to conceive has no effect on conception, but somehow my brain wants to tell me otherwise. As if those little swimmers won't be able to make the trip if I jump around, and then if the egg gets fertilized it won't be able to grab onto my uterine wall and will fall out. I know its scientifically ridiculous to think like this, but apparently I am not the only crazy woman who thinks this way. I have found the same question posted on discussions on the Internet over and over. One woman wrote "I want to wrap myself in bubble wrap and cotton..." and its exactly how I feel! I think its because I have tried four times already and it hasn't taken yet. The first time around I got preggers on the second try, and I wasn't exercising, so this is a new neurosis for me. I worked full time and ran up and down ladders, lifted heavy boxes and the such, and I went to school in the evenings and stayed up late doing homework, but I wasn't exercising... so I was never worried about my physically activity level. I even had just gotten off the pill and my periods weren't even regular when I got preggers last time. So, I think its the length of time that has gone by this time that is turning me into a worry wart about the exercise. Its the only factor that is really different this time around.

I have read that if you are an athlete and have very low body fat that this could effect fertility. But I am still in the "overweight" category on the BMI chart, so that's not a worry for me. Everything else has said that if you have been exercising for a while before trying to get pregnant than you should be fine continuing your program during conception and pregnancy, and its best for your health and the future baby's to not halt it. And I also know that it takes an average of 6 months to a year for a woman at my age to conceive, so I am not out of the bounds of normal... just out of the bounds of what my previous experience was. So, today I did my workout at full tilt (except the jumping jacks, still couldn't bring myself to do those) even though I don't really want to. If this round doesn't take then I am going to be really paranoid next time and not move for three weeks and lay as flat as possible! LOL!!! :-D And on the other hand, if it doesn't take this round and I do lay flat for three weeks then I won't lose those final 4 pounds that put me at "normal" weight according to the BMI chart, which would be fabulous! So I can't get lazy yet. I still have goals to work on while I am waiting for this baby thing to happen.

I just need to think about this rationally for a moment. Women get pregnant all the time that don't know when they ovulated or aren't tracking their periods. Women do all kinds of crazy things that would make you think they would be the least likely to get pregnant in their situation, like smoking, drinking, taking all kinds of various medications, strange menstrual cycles etc. And back in the stone ages women probably had no clue as to when they were ovulating and were probably doing more physical work than any of us average types do today. Even crazy fit athletes get pregnant and keep going in their sport during pregnancy and everything is fine. So why should I think that my 45 minute aerobic exercise would make such a huge impact on my ability to get pregnant? Its just silly. I think those ovulation tracking kits are more a curse than a blessing. Knowing its actually very possible to get pregnant at a certain time of the month just makes you stress out over it, and that is probably the worse thing you can do when trying to get pregnant. Its better when you are clueless and it just happens!

Well, I guess for the next two weeks its back to normal for me and my exercise and eating habits. Then I get to see if mother nature has brought my monthly gift to me or not, and if not then I get to pee on a stick! (I know I can pee on a stick like 5 days before my period, but waiting for it is cheaper than doing that every time we try to get preggers... that pink box is under my bathroom sink waiting for me still.) I hope we got the job done this time, I really don't want to wait another month until the hubs is home (he just left yesterday for his 35 day rotation.) And I really don't want to have the next baby in July, a spring due date sounds so much nicer than being 9 months preggers during one of the hottest months of the year. But whatever God's will is I am sure it will happen accordingly. I just have to be patient, and that isn't always that easy. Especially since we put off trying until the timing was more ideal, and now we are past the "ideal" and are like... "happen already!" I would like to have the next one before I turn 35 or at least before my first goes into Kindergarten... or worse, college. Please, Lord... Please?!!!

Time for a new post

2009-08-20T22:26:00.001-07:00

I have been "off the grid" for a bit and was thinking it was time for a new post. I guess I have a good excuse, the passing of my Mom, so I don't have any apologies to make. However, there is no "juicy" news to report. But I will give this a shot for you all. Let's see what happens...

There is an "up side" to my Mom's passing... my husband came home early. He left work, they were slow anyway, after only a week or so of being there. So he has been home since the beginning of July and isn't leaving until next week. So almost two whole months home! YAY!! Its been really nice having extra time with him home. I am going to miss the extra help with KD, she is turning two in October but her "terrible twos" have arrived early. For about a week we were putting her in a time out a couple times a day! We are lucky she is as good natured as she is. But still, it can get difficult at times, especially when I have to deal with it by myself for a month!

Another "up side" is that we are now able to replace our roof, which has been falling apart for a few years, using the money that was left to me by my Mom. Without it honestly I don't know when we were going to be able to do the roof, and its been a concern of mine for a while. We had eaves that were disintegrating from termite damage, a few small leaks that were making water spots on the ceiling when it rained, and when the Santa Ana wind season came around we usually lost a tile or two. So, thanks Mom! I think she would be happy to know we have used her money to keep her family safe and sound. If she had been rich in life I am sure she would have loved to do that for us while she was alive. Right now the tiles on my roof are all torn off, they replaced all the rotting rafters and eaves today, tomorrow they are putting the plywood in. Next week we get the new tiles installed. Oh... another great thing we got to get done is tear out the rotting/ dead Olive tree we had. It was causing damage to our roof as well, with bug infestation and moisture etc. So we get to put a new tree in and I am getting a Willow tree like I always wanted... well, actually a Peppermint Willow. And when JD gets back after his next rotation we will have the house painted. The stucco has been falling off and is cracked in some places, and is this horrible pink color. I can't wait to see that done. Its not as important as the roof, so I don't mind waiting... but I am so excited to see that paint color go and get the stucco fixed. (FYI: We are painting the house a lovely light sage green color. It will be nice.)

One thing I was HOPING would be another benefit of JD coming home earlier is a chance to get pregnant. We had two very clear chances to get me knocked up (usually he is coming home or leaving right around the time I am ovulating.) But alas, neither time it took. So we have to give it another try before he leaves... while I am in the midst of an ovulation cycle. I don't have that big of hopes of it working this time if it hasn't worked the other two times and we had more time to "cover all the bases," if you will. But then again, who knows? We were not to keen on the idea of getting pregnant during this next opportunity because it would land the due date around our Anniversary date in May, and we really wanted to keep the time for our self and not have a kid that we needed to spend money and attention on instead of each other. But I was checking out the time frame for when he is home again and our next chance and the due date lands in early July, which will be one year after my Mom's passing and my birthday month (I'm July 13th). Her birthday was also July 9th, so I am like... "wouldn't that be weird if the next kid was born on my Mom's birthday?" So I figured we might as well give this round a shot, its not like either option is the "ideal" situation, but I would prefer the Anniversary connection and avoid having a baby that is a reminder of my Mom's death every time I celebrate their birthday. And perhaps it would not be that bad, but still... not that exciting of an option. Plus I was hoping to be pregnant during the cooler part of the year and not be 9 months preggers in the hottest part of the year. I was in the 2nd trimester with KD during the summer months and it was not fun. Anyways, I am not holding my breath or counting on this working this round... but I am somewhat hopeful, or I wouldn't even be trying.

As for my Aunt, which I have been writing about in previous posts, she is STILL in the hospital. Not much improvment, but at least she isn't getting any worse. She still has the halo-brace on and breathing with the help of a tube, and she is going to have that brace on for at least another month or two. They think at least 6 months she will need it on, and she got in her car accident at the end of March. When I visit her she is asleep most of the time, and I hate to wake her! It tires her out when they try to sit her up and give her a little physical therapy and I feel like she needs the sleep. What is really difficult is that we haven't told her that her sister, my Mom, is gone. She drifts in and out and sometimes doesn't seem to recognize her own family, so we don't think its wise to tell her what has happened until she is more alert and stabilized. I am not looking forward to that conversation... "About four months ago your sister passed away..." or however long its been when we tell her. Not going to be fun. I am hoping that when we tell her it won't break her heart and cause her to not progress as she should. My Mom, my Aunt, and I were all very close. We have all been there for each other through thick and thin, so it will be hard for me to talk about it with her. My Aunt is like a second Mom to me, if she were to also die I think my heart couldn't take it. I would curl up in a little ball and just cry for days... months... I don't know what I would do! I guess having KD and JD in my life would keep me going, but it would be hard.

I am praying that my Aunt will be fully recovered before my next baby is born. She was there when KD was born and was such a big help! She arrived with my Mom just in the nick of time to help me through the worst part of the labor and all the pushing. And my Aunt was a labor and delivery nurse, so she helped me with my breathing and managing the contractions in a way that was AMAZING! Plus the Doctor didn't even make it in time, it was her and the nurse at the hospital that delivered KD!!! I always felt comforted by the thought that even if JD was flying or out of town when the big day arrived at least I had her to be there for me. So, in a way... the longer it takes for me to get pregnant the better, more of a chance that she will be there. It would mean a lot to have her there for my second baby delivery for so many reasons, not just the "nurse" part of her background, but also what she means to me personally. My whole life I have always looked up to my Aunt and wanted to be just like her. She is such a wonderful and loving person, so giving and so godly. She is just the most wonderful person and I am so privileged to be related to her and be able to call her my Auntie. She is very special. I really hope she gets through this difficult time as quickly as possible. She must be so miserable lying there in the hospital with that big metal brace on her head and wishing she was home.

Well, that's enough sad thoughts for one night. I will continue to look at the positives in my life and move ahead with a smile on my face. I know all things will work out and that God will take care of me and my loved ones. He has so far! :) I am very blessed.

Out of the Blue

2009-07-01T22:33:00.000-07:00

This morning I woke up, got my baby up, prepared her breakfast and while I was waiting for my Eggos to be toasted I got a phone call. This is not the phone call you ever want to get out of the blue. I was not expecting this at all. I was told that my Mom was being taken to the Emergency Room and had just been resuscitated. I was in shock, didn't know what was going on and neither did they.

It was my Mom's apartment manager that called. She lives in a retired community home. Someone below her unit heard running water for quite a while and got concerned. The manager said they found her on the floor of the bathroom passed out, not breathing. The paramedics came, were able to get her breathing and rushed her off to the ER. I was told that was 5 minutes ago when I received the call. I waited about 10 minutes while I tried to process the information I just heard over the phone, and started to mentally prepare myself for the worse. I called the ER and the Doctor got on the phone, he said they were currently working on her. Her heart was faintly beating and he said he wasn't sure if she was going to make it and to come to the ER right away. I unfortunately live about an hour away from my Mom, so rushing to the ER to see her before she passed would be difficult. I just was hoping that by some miracle she would either pull through or I would be able to say to her one last time, "I love you" before she passed on. But I was prepared for the worse.

When I finally arrived to the ER they had me wait while they made sure it was okay to go back to see her. The receptionist told me I could go in and see her. She said she was down the hall to the right, bed 12. I was thinking, "She's in a bed, that's good. Perhaps that means she is in recovery." But when I got to the room and pulled back the curtain there was no nurse or Doctor in there with her, she was still strapped to the gurney, her eyes were slightly open, she had tubes in her mouth, she had no top on... I was with my Mother-in-law (my husband, the pilot, is in Dubai at this point.) I asked her, "Is she still alive?" I reached out to touch my Mom's wrist and check for a pulse, and I knew as soon as I touched her that she was gone. I almost didn't want to believe it. I looked at her eyes closely and touched her forehead. Here eyes were vacant. No life at all. I held her hand, and stroked her arm, and the words that came out of my mouth were, "I'm sorry Mommy, I am so sorry." As I looked at her I saw that her spirit was gone, and all of a sudden this body in front of me was no longer my mother to me, it was an empty shell where she had once resided while here on earth. I can't explain it any better than that. It was very strange. I couldn't look at her face any more after that, it was too sad and empty. She was gone already, there was no one there to say goodbye to. I had missed that opportunity to say goodbye to her before she passed away.

I turned and my Mother-in-law held me and we cried. I said, "I am so thankful that she believed in Jesus and that she is in Heaven right now." I truly believe that. If you are saved, a Christian, our home is not here on earth, it is in Heaven. Where there is no pain, no imperfect bodies that keep us down, no sadness, just the presence of God, and Love. It almost made me envious to think that she was there in such a happy place and I was still here on this imperfect globe, earth. The last couple years she had been suffering in her earthly body. She was bi-polar and in late 2007 her medication became toxic to her body, after being on it for over 30 years. She was put into a mental hospital and her mind never fully recovered to its previous state of function. I could tell it frustrated her that it hadn't improved that much since then. She had bad knees, stiff hands, and recently diagnosed with Diabetes. She was unable to handle her own mail and paperwork or tasks that took more than a couple steps. So, although she was still my mother, and I loved her dearly, she wasn't the woman I had known for the past 33 years of my life. So I am glad her suffering is over and she is in Heaven, fully functional and clear headed and has no worries. My Aunt, in the hospital, is her sister... and she doesn't need to worry about her anymore. She has no worries any more. That is what is joyous.

What saddens me is that I had planned to pick her up this weekend to spend the weekend with me and visit with her granddaughter. Her birthday was coming up, and I thought the best present would be to give her time with her family. In fact yesterday I thought about calling her to see how she was doing and to remind her that I was coming this Saturday morning for her. I know she gets lonely. She lived alone, although she had some wonderful neighbors and friends where she lived she got lonesome. It had been a few weeks since I had made a trip to her place. The last time I had free time to visit anyone I went to see my Aunt in the hospital. These thoughts of, "I should have made time last week to see her, since I haven't been over for a while." and "I should have called her yesterday when she was on my mind." kind of haunt you a bit when someone passes. But I know she knew I loved her. She often told me, "You are so good to me, you are a wonderful daughter." And I did call her several times a week, and held the phone up for KD to talk to her Grandma. They would chat and KD would say all her new words and my Mom would be so delighted to hear her talking to her over the phone. I know that made her day when I did that. So I don't have any regrets about her not knowing how much I loved her or cared for her.

Later today I thought to my self, "Why was my response to her 'I'm sorry'?" What was I sorry about? I think first of all, that I wasn't there in time to say goodbye before she died. Even if she wasn't fully conscious, I think it would have been nice for her to have family around her when she passed from this life to the next. And then I was also sorry she was alone, that she was lonely where she lived... even though she had friends and I would come to visit. Its sad to be a single person, no spouse, no roommate or relative living with you, and to just be on the floor alone waiting for someone to find you. Such a lonely picture. Also I am sorry that she was on that gurney half naked with no dignity. (My Mother-in-law grabbed a sheet right away and covered her up, that was nice of her to do.) Such a shock to walk in and see her like that. It wasn't that I felt it was shameful, or something like that... that she was half naked, just sad. But the fact that she was about to take a shower was good news to me. When she was depressed she didn't take care of herself, she didn't like to shower. But when she felt good she would take a shower. So I imagine that she was feeling positive about life, had hope that her sister would pull through and looking forward to her weekend with her daughter and granddaughter. That's good. The last time I spoke with her she was very happy sounding.

Thankfully my husband was able to leave work and come home. He is on a plane right now, on his way home. Also, one of my brothers (the more level headed and calm one of the two) is coming over from the East coast to help me sort the details out for the funeral and go through her apartment with me. I am happy for that. And my two very dearest friends in the world both dropped what they were doing as soon as I was on my way to the hospital, to be there for me. They ended up being very helpful, watching KD while I made calls and received calls, they went grocery shopping for me and cooked me dinner, made some meals to have in my fridge for later, watched KD while I took a nap. They are the best! They loved my Mom very much too, so its nice to have people around you that love you and love the person you are mourning, and can help you remember good things about them. I thank God for all my friends and family. They are so wonderful!

I will miss you, Mom. I am happy you are in a better place, and are whole again.

I NEED sleep!!!

2009-06-29T22:10:00.001-07:00

I haven't been able to sleep very much, if at all, for the past three days. I got almost 3 hours of sleep from 4:45 am to 7:30 am this morning, after tossing and turning. I even took some medicine to help me fall asleep. I took a pill at 11:30pm, 12:30am, then two of another type of over the counter sleep medicine three hours later, and then another hour later two melatonin, and then FINALLY felt sleepy enough to drift off to sleep. Tonight we shall see if I get any sleep. Last week I didn't sleep at all through the night, I got up and wandered the house, checked my e-mail and watched TV until 7am. Then my husband got up and I crawled back into bed and slept until 10am. I didn't take ANY sleep medicine that night. Since then I haven't dared not to take anything. I usually take over the counter medicine, but tomorrow I am going to see a Doctor and get a prescription. Because I haven't slept I have a sore throat, and yesterday a cough joined the party. Blah... I don't like coughing, not very conducive for sleep either.

The reasons I am not sleeping may be many and complex. I am not sure what is going on. One reason I can think of is concern for my Aunt in the hospital. A few days ago she coded, they did a "code blue," meaning she wasn't breathing and they had to resuscitate her. I don't like hearing that. It makes me sad to think she could possibly die in the hospital and never get better. I do NOT want that to happen. She is in her 50's, and is a very special person. Everyone in our family looks to her for help and she freely gives of herself to all. She is a pillar of strength when everyone else is falling apart. I guess we are all learning how to do what she does. There are several family members that need help, and we are all learning to do our part now that she is in the hospital. I am happy that we are doing that, and I hope that if she does come home eventually that we won't stop doing our part. She is Type 1 Diabetic, she needs to take care of her own health. And after this accident she may need more of our help for her personally as well. She needs to start taking care of herself first before others, and that's not in her nature.

Another reason for stress is that my husband just left for his 35 day rotation, and he called me... the same day I found out about my Aunt's code blue, and told me he may possibly be gone for two months. They may decide to keep him and send him to training for a new plane, the Gulf Streams. He flies in the Hawkers now. While that is great news if they upgrade him to the Gulf fleet, its horrible news to me. #1 Because he will be gone longer and I already miss him after one week. #2 Because we started "officially trying" for baby number two and I got my period... so we need to try again. And... my period started that day that he told me about the possible extension...the same day I heard about my Aunt.

I was actually very upset that my period came, even though I knew we probably missed our chance. If we had only talked about how we felt about things three days earlier I would probably be pregnant right now. I have been working out to lose weight, and had pretty much decided to wait until the end of this rotation, until the end of July, to try to get pregnant... when he got back (of course). But I have gotten back to my pre-pregnancy weight, and am okay with how I look. I would like another 8 pounds off of me before getting pregnant, but I realized we have very few more chances to actually try when he is home. So... the two months gone thing was really bumming me out. I was hoping to be working on "baking" the next baby in "the oven" now, while he was gone, hee hee... And the timing of his rotations, along with the extra training time, may mean we miss our opportunity in July, August and September! Ugh!!! We should have just started trying earlier and I wouldn't be wondering how this will all turn out and wishing I was pregnant right now. Screw the last 8 pounds, I want a baby! My first will be turning two in October, and I will be turning 34 this July... next month! So I feel that time is of the essence to get going on the second kid. I would like them to be close in age, and I want to have the next one before my 35th birthday. I am sure it will all work out, and I am not in control of these things anyways, so I need to just let it go. But it stressed me out more than I thought it would.

I also am stressing over the fact that its been three nights with little to no sleep. And my family has a history of bi-polar. I know that if my Mom went three nights with no sleep she would become manic, so I am almost waiting to go crazy. And that is crazy! I have been diagnosed with depression, and hypo-mania in the past, but I have been off medication since the end of 2006. My psychiatrist gave me a clean bill of health and said hopefully I wouldn't have to come back and see her after the baby was born (which I didn't) and hopefully would never have to see me again. She took me off my meds so I could get pregnant, and I was doing well without anything. So, yes... I am wondering if I am in a manic state when I am up all night not sleeping. But logic also points out that I do have a lot of things that are putting stress on my life.

When JD is away I go into single-Mom-mode and I end up taking on a lot of extra work and responsibility when he leaves. I have to watch a toddler all day, by myself, no husband to lean on. Its nice when he is home to help out. I don't have to worry about if I need a nap during the day because I didn't get any sleep the night before. I don't have to think about when I need to get up to get the baby, because he likes to get her in the morning and have Daddy and daughter time. He does my laundry, cooks half or more of our dinners, takes care of the lawn, the car, etc. etc. etc. Plus I have someone to cuddle at night when I crawl into bed. He provides a lot of emotional support to me as well, and with my Aunt not doing well recently I could use a hug from him. It would be nice to put my head on his chest and just cry about it all. But I can't.

Well, that is my saga... my story for the day. Its approaching 11pm and I need to take something that will make me sleepy for fear of staying up all night again. I have some nighttime Theraflu hot tea stuff a friend brought me today, with some soup (how sweet, right?) and I may try that. Then there is always NyQuil, that can knock a person out pretty well too. Plus tonight my in-laws have the baby, so I don't have to worry about waking up in the middle of the night or early in the morning to get her. That's great that they offered to do that for me tonight. They took her after her nap this afternoon, I bet they are pooped after running after her for a few hours. Awe, I miss my baby girl! Enough typing, off to bed and to sleep... hopefully.

More stress! Aghhhh...

2009-05-25T23:52:00.000-07:00

My Aunt is back in the ICU. She stopped breathing last week a few days after they took out her trachea breathing tube. They don't know why. But she is holding steady now. I am thankful she is still alive. My Uncle said that she told him she heard her Mom calling to her when she stopped breathing... my Nana is dead. That sent shivers down my spine! And it made me cry. She must have almost died! I'm not sure what happens in those moments between life and death, but I am sure my Nana would be waiting at the threshold of Heaven's door for her beloved daughter. They had a very special connection. My Aunt took care of her during the final years in her own home, before Parkinsons took her life.

Today my 19 month old daughter fell four feet onto her head! We took her to the ER and had a CT scan done, she is fine. She has only the injury on the top of her head, a red rash-like scrape, and nothing else! Amazing! It makes me wonder if I can handle a second child though. I mean, how do you keep your eyes on two children running around when you can't even do that for one? (For details on the incident you can visit my other blog... link to the right. Title is "Unheeded Warning Signs") I had a feeling about something and I didn't follow it. I know now to always listen to those little yellow caution flags waiving in my brain. They seem silly sometimes, but its better to be safe than sorry. To top it off today is also my 7 year anniversary... Happy Anniversary! ha ha.... not quite what I had imagined to celebrate the day. But we are planning on going out tomorrow.

My husband's work has fired a bunch of captains, and now today he heard he is getting a pay cut. That isn't good news. He has been hoping to get a promotion and make MORE... not get less. Since we are thinking of having baby #2 soon we really want to see him get a raise soon. I still hope he makes captain soon. But he is nervous now, they have been really hard on the captains lately and he doesn't want the scrutiny or the pressure. But I think he will be fine. Everyone says he is captain material, and he is a very good pilot. So we will see where things go with that. In the mean time I am still trying to lose 20 lbs before we start trying. The time it takes me to lose the weight buys him some time with work also, hopefully things will iron out in that area before I get pregnant. He will be stressed if I get pregnant and things are not going well with his job. And as we wait to start adding to our family, hopefully KD won't be getting hurt either and causing me to second guess my parenting abilities.

My Aunt and babies

2009-05-08T22:03:00.001-07:00

My Aunt has been moved out of ICU into a regular hospital room, so that is good news. Her recovery time is projected to be 6-9 months. I do not know how long she will be kept in the halo-brace. Her jaw will be wired shut for 3 months. I really feel for her and this long journey ahead of her. I can only hope she will be moved into her home eventually and won't be in the hospital when Christmas comes around. At this point 9 months hits in January 2010! I can't even imagine her being in her condition that long! My goodness!

Thinking about 9 months makes me think about having a baby and my family member who has been trying her 3rd IUI to get pregnant. This week we found out that 3rd try also failed. It breaks my heart that she is going through this rough time. I also didn't want to try for my second until she was pregnant with her first. But the time is coming soon when JD and I will be trying for baby #2. I am trying to lose more weight, so that is still keeping me from starting to try. As soon as I lose at least ten more pounds I will feel ready. I am trying to make that happen by then end of June, and the end of July the latest. I really want to start trying in June, but July may have to be the month. Of course with the pilot hubby's schedule when I am ready may not be when he is home. So, from this point on... whenever he is home we will be having the "should we try this time?" discussion. Because there are times he is home and I am not ovulating. And then there are times he is home and I am in the middle of an ovulation time period. This may be TMI... but that's the way it is when you have a pilot for a husband, and he is gone for 35 days at a time. It's my reality.

It's funny, JD's mom doesn't quite get this... that I am not always "capable" of getting pregnant when he is home. I was explaining to her that sometimes I am ovulating right before he gets home, so by the time he is home our chance is not there. And by the time I am ready again he is leaving, and the chances are not that good. When a woman ovulates is dependent on the frequency of her periods, which are not always a 28 day cycle, I explained to her. I really only have maybe three more chances this entire year to get pregnant, if I look at the times he is home and I am possibly "ripe." I can't be too picky at this point which month the next kid will be born in. I was telling her a few months back that we may try when the due date was February, and she said that isn't a good month because Valentine's Day is that month. And I was like... "Screw that! I don't care... I have to take what I can get if I want to have another kid before another year passes us by!" Of course, then JD and I decided not to try that month anyway. But still, that just irks me. "No. Not February!" OMG really lady, just butt out. Those were my thoughts. She means well, but she gots her head up her you know what sometimes. Of course, I was sharing with her our plans, so I have to expect some feedback.

I hope some miracle happens and my family member gets preggers SOON! That would be such a blessing. I really don't want to look into her eyes one day and say, "I'm pregnant." Knowing that she has been trying for so long with no success. I really would rather hear her say those words to me, like tomorrow would be good. Hee hee. Oh well, what God wills to happen will happen.

If I Could

2009-04-13T23:09:00.001-07:00

A Poem dedicated to my Aunty in the hospital:

If I Could (by the Rambling Pilot's Wife)

If I could take away your pain
And lay there in your place,
I would do it in a heart beat
Not a second I would waste.

If I could, I'd give you some relief
And take it all away...
Every break, cut, and bruise from you...
Even for a moment, an hour, or a day.

If I could give you a thousand kisses
For everything you've said and done (for me and everyone)
It would be too many to give in a lifetime...
In a billion setting suns!

Instead I'll call on God's angels
For my place to take
So you can consider yourself kissed,
As you sleep and when you wake.

Then I will know for certain,
Though I cannot take your place,
That you have angel's wings around you
As they breathe upon your face.

Life in general just got a little worse....

2009-04-01T22:35:00.000-07:00

After struggling about what to write on last post I just found out last night that my dear Aunt got in a horrible car accident. She is diabetic and went into a diabetic coma while driving down a major road, probably driving 50 mph or so. She hit 4 other vehicles, but only one other person was brought to the hospital and they were released that night. Her car flipped over at least 4 times, all the windows were gone, three doors were blown off... its amazing she is still alive! She lost part of one of her thumbs and has fractures all over her body and face. Luckily there wasn't any major internal bleeding to be concerned about, she is able to wiggle her fingers and toes and is coherent enough to answer yes and no questions with hand signals. Her head is in a halo-brace and they have her torso all braced as well to keep her from moving her spine. She will be going into surgery to have a metal disc put into her neck and they are still trying to get her completely stabilized.

She is the most special person in our family. She is our rock, the person who seems to take care of everyone else and we all rely on. At least now we all will have an opportunity to step up to the plate and help her out and take over some of her responsibilities. I think it will take a while for her injuries to heal, but no one really knows how long she will be in the hospital or how many surgeries she will need to be fully repaired. I guess my life was a bit to boring and God had to throw me a curve ball, huh? I just pray that she isn't in pain and that her recovery is quick and that the rest of the family will be there for her as much as or more than she has been there for us. She doesn't deserve to be in this situation. She is such a wonderful person!

Life in general

2009-03-30T14:33:00.000-07:00

Life is going pretty well. The husband is home, so that is good. For some reason when he was gone this last time it seemed like a loooooong time, and now that he is home the time is passing way to quickly (why does that happen?). My little baby girl is becoming less of a baby every day, she is now 17 months old. She still does mostly baby babbling, but her favorite phrase is "uh-oh etti-o" for uh-oh spaghetti-o. Its super cute. She does answer all questions with "no" and that is funny and sometimes annoying to hear "no" all the time. But its the way kids are, so I can't complain. The temper tantrums are sometimes exhausting. But that also seems to happen around the same time every day, one hour before her nap and two hours before her bedtime, pre-dinner time. Kids get cranky, just how it is. I have tried time-outs with her, and that is just a load of fun (sarcastic tone). I put her in her crib for one minute, and sometimes it actually does calm her down... amazingly enough. I just hate the crying and all the drama, gives me a headache sometimes. But I love my baby girl, so in the end all is forgiven.

I am currently trying to lose more weight. I still have that soft squishy belly fat from my pregnancy weight gain. I think the rest of my body has responded pretty well to the regular exercise I started about six months ago. I just wish there was a magic wand I could wave to make that problem area go away. So I decided to get serious with my work outs and really start doing some major sweating and burn those calories! I am going to try a workout video called "30 Day Shred" by Jillian, from the Biggest Loser. Hopefully that will get some results... I will keep you posted. Since I am planning on trying to get pregnant in a couple months I am ready to get to a good weight so I don't have to lose this fat plus the pregnancy weight from the next one. I don't believe on building one pregnancy's fat on top of another's fat and then just losing it all together at the same time... that's the kind of silly nonsense like saying, "Why make the bed when you are just going to mess it up again tomorrow?" I like a my sheets clean, crisp and tightly tucked in or I can't sleep as well at night. So same goes for my body, tightly tucked and I am a happy camper. Hee Hee. Of course its been a long time since I have been nice and lean, and firmed up. But that's no reason to stop trying. So wish me luck... on losing the weight and getting pregnant too. I hope to have both accomplished by the end of this summer... :-)

On the baby subject, that family member I talked about the last couple posts is in the process of waiting to see if she is pregnant from a second try with an IUI procedure. I really hope it worked for her this time. I have a good feeling about it this time, but that's all it is... a feeling. As I said before, I really hope she gets pregnant first. I would feel bad if I had my second child and she was still trying for her first. I know I can't control things like that, but I am praying that it doesn't happen. So cross your fingers and wish her luck as well, or pray, or wish on a shooting star when you see one next. I would be so ecstatic to see her pregnant!!! And of course she would be too, as well as her husband.

Well, that's my life in general... talk to you later!

The Countdown

2009-03-09T14:19:00.000-07:00

At some point, after my husband's been gone for a few weeks, we both start doing a countdown of days left. He'll send me an instant message on my Blackberry, "9 days!" and I will send a smiley face back. I am glad he wants to come back home so bad that he is counting the days, and then I start to get excited and start the countdown myself. I don't like to think about how long he has been gone, but its fun to start seeing the numbers get smaller and smaller as he sends me messages towards the end.

Its been a rough month while he was gone this time. I was sick, the baby got Bronchitis, my in-laws were both sick, and I almost about lost my mind after two weeks held up in the house with cold weather outside and not allowing any friends to come over in fear of them getting sick. Now that we are all feeling better hubby's home coming is only a week away! YAYYYYYY!!!! I am going to be soooo happy to see him again. I am glad we will be healthy when he gets home, but I really hope the next time both I, the in-laws, and the baby are sick he will be around to help out. She never loses her energy when she is sick, but I am just a pile of jell-o when I'm sick... laying on the floor while she plays around me or on me. Its not fun. If the in-laws aren't sick they can take her away when she is up and let me take a nap to recover. But when they are also sick then its all up to me to take care of the munchkin, whether I have the energy or not.

These past few days I have been taking her all over the place out of the house, and now when we are home alone I crave going outside... like a junky looking for my next fix. I try to think of ANYTHING to get out of the house, an errand or a friend to visit, or I try to tag along with someone else while they go about their business. Strange how sometimes all I want to do is stay home and the very idea of taking the baby out somewhere seems like such a feat of strength, and other times its like no biggie, I can go anywhere and do anything with her! I guess its because I was at home alone for so long that any trip outside our home feels GREAT! Anyway... this blog is good for those times I am anxious about sitting around at home, I have something to do, other blogs to visit and I can just chill.

Here's to the pilot husband's return... "cheers!" and the wonderful countdown every morning brings... 10, 9, 8, 7, 6... woo hoo!

Phew!!!

2009-02-23T21:16:00.000-08:00

As I had mentioned in an earlier post, I am planning on getting pregnant again sometime this year... but not NOW. I have been waiting for my period to come along for a few days now, its been pretty regular for the past 5 months, and I started to wonder... "when did my husband and I last have sex? Did he wear a condom? Was I possibly OVULATING???!!! Oh no!" So instead of wait another worried, sleepless night about the possibility I took a pregnancy test, it was negative... "Phew!!!"

Its not that being pregnant would be horrible timing right now, just not that ideal. #1 Reason is because the family member I mentioned earlier, that has been trying to get pregnant for a few years now, has just gone to the next step of getting an IUI (inter-uterine insemination). And now she is waiting to see if it took. I would really like for this to work for her and not steal her thunder if she was to announce that she is pregnant finally. I don't want to be like, "Yeah, me too. For a few weeks now." And then have my baby before her baby and all that jazz. That would royally suck. I am planning on actually TRYING to get pregnant in a few months. If she isn't pregnant at that point I'm not going to stress about it, I really don't want to wait any longer than that for my second baby. #2 Reason its bad timing is that I am trying to lose weight, and I just started making some more headway the past couple weeks... actually I am about where I was when I last got pregnant. I want to lose around 10-15 more before I get pregnant, that would be lovely. I want to at least have the chance to try to lose those extra pounds before we start actually trying again. If I don't lose 10 lbs by then I won't care as much and just start to try for that baby. #3 Reason is the baby's due date would have been Halloween, according to when I thought I might have been knocked up. And my first child was born 10 days before Halloween, leading to reason #4, their birthdays would be too close. I really would like to give my kids the chance to celebrate their birthdays without the shadow of another siblings birthday looming over them, or a major holiday getting in the way... if I can help it, that would be ideal. There are some other minor reasons to not want to be pregnant right now, but those are the major ones.

Now its just waiting for this sneaky, late, stressin' me out period to start. If it doesn't... then I guess I will be trying another pregnancy test, there are two in a box... conveniently enough. I guess I should be more careful until I am REALLY ready. That'll teach me to be careless. And for now I can at least get a good nights sleep. (I suppose I know better now what that family member has been going through with the waiting, and the unknown, and the stressing... and she's had to do this for YEARS now, poor thing. I bet she hasn't had a good nights sleep in a looooonng time.)

Why is it...?

2009-02-19T00:26:00.000-08:00

Why does it seem that every time my husband leaves for a month my baby girl gets sick? And most of the time I am sick also, so I am stuck trying to get rest whenever possible and not having any energy to keep up with her during the day? (Because despite being sick she never seems to skip a beat. She always has the energy to run around and play.)

Isn't that just always the way it goes? At least this time my cold ended after a few days. But she ended up having Bronchitis! I had to give her a treatment at the Dr.'s office with a breathing vapor machine, it helped her stop wheezing. She cried her eyes out, and it was me... the great and powerful Mom, who had to hold her while she was miserable and didn't understand why I was forcing her to sit on my lap with this plastic mask over her face to breath this smokey vapor stuff. At one moment she even looked up at me with these doe eyes, these hurt little eyes that were asking, "Why Mommy? Why are you doing this to me?" Poor little thing.

Its moment like those that I wish I had my husband there to comfort me through the whole ordeal. But somehow, as a Mother, I was able to hold her calmly and tune out the loud cries of misery and have the peace of mind that I was doing what was best for her. That God given, innate, Mommy strength stuff is really something, isn't it? Thank goodness. Hard to imagine, before I was a Mom, that one day I would do things such as catch my child's vomit in my hands unflinchingly and tell her in a calm voice, "that's fine sweetheart, you are going to be okay," then rush her to the bath tub to get all cleaned up. When before the very idea of someone throwing up would make me want to vomit myself! And believe you me, my husband would just yell "GROSS!" and hand her to me as he cursed his way to the bathroom to clean himself off. Here's to Moms everywhere... we ARE super-women!

It's 2009!

2009-01-15T00:35:00.001-08:00

I don't have much to say, but I feel like I should be writing now that its the middle of January. So... happy 2009! I hope everyone has a fantastic year.

Things I am looking forward to this year, getting pregnant. Things I am not looking forward to this year... getting pregnant. While I am ready for baby #2 in many ways I also am a little fearful about how having a second child is going to effect my life. And even though I have already been pregnant before and had a wonderful baby girl I sometimes wonder if the second time around I could actually be as fortunate as the first. Will the second pregnancy go as well? Will child #2 be as happy and easy as my first? Will I be able to handle nursing a baby and potty training a toddler at the same time? What will it be like when my husband is gone for a month at a time and I have a newborn and a toddler to look after? Will I still be able to help my Mom when she needs me and as well? (That's a whole other story for another day.) So many unknowns and yet its such a wonderful thought that I we will be trying for another baby very soon. Its almost time to start that folic acid again... already??? I can't believe it. I could wait longer, but I don't want a five year span between kids. At this point baby #1 will be around 2 1/2 or 3 years old when #2 arrives. Hard to believe.

I also have a family member who has been trying to get pregnant since before I got pregnant with my first, and I am going to feel horrible if she doesn't get pregnant before I do with my second. But at the same time I can't put my life on hold to make sure she is next... and she doesn't expect me to do that anyways. I just hope and pray that any day now I will get a call with the good news... and I hope she has twins :-) That would be super!!! Maybe a bit difficult to hanlde, but then she would be "caught up"... silly thoughts, I know. I just want her to be happy and to have the family she has always dreamed of. And twins are an actual possibility for her, it runs in her side of the family. So I think it would be a double blessing if that happened and a time to celebrate!!! Plus, we would all be there to help her out.

Too Cute!

2008-12-07T17:23:00.000-08:00

My daughter is 13 months old and she doesn't really talk yet. Occasionally you can make out a word, but I am never sure if I actually heard her say a word or if I am imagining it, besides Mama, Dada, Ba (for ball and anything else that starts with "B-A-", and Mmmm (for a cow's moo). But TODAY was different.

KD loves our dog, she laughs every time she is around him and he puts up with a lot from her (thank goodness). Today she was looking out the sliding glass door and laughing. I looked outside to see what it was and it was our dog. She tapped the glass with the palm of her tiny hand and said, "Doggie" very clearly and slowly. It was so cute! She must have wanted him to come back inside to play. (He was busy burying a new bone I gave him.) Its very rare that I get to hear her form an actual word so clearly, so I am a bit excited. (If you couldn't tell.)

JD (my pilot husband) just left on Friday for his 35 days of work far away from us. It was nice though, this last time he came home early and then they rotated his shift to start 5 days later, so that was MORE bonus time home with us. So I can't really complain. When he is home its like I am on vacation. He lets me sleep in, he feeds the dog and the bunny for me, he does all the laundry and half the cooking and so much more. I must admit I get a bit lazy after all that time he is home doing what I normally do while he is gone. And I let him do a lot of the baby stuff, because he likes being around her since he is away so much. But I suppose I deserve a break, after all I am living a "single-mom" life when he is gone. Its all on me. Well, actually I do have the help of my in-laws while he is gone too, but its not the same as having your husband around.

Another thing I get to do when he is home is pop out the door whenever I want to run errands and go grocery shopping. I don't have to worry about waiting for KD's nap to be over or if she has been fed or if she is going to get cranky while I am out. Its great. That luxury I definitely miss when he is gone. People have offered to watch her while I do things, but its hard to actually call up someone out of the blue and say, "Hey, could you come over for an hour and sit in my house while my baby sleeps so I can run some errands?" How many people can just drop what they are doing to do that? And if they are willing I guess I need to ask more often, but I don't know who is really all THAT willing. And then if she is awake I can just imaging her crying her head off, if I left her at a neighbor's house, the whole time because I left her alone there. Sometimes I end up feeling "trapped" at home. I am waiting for her to either wake up so I can go somewhere or go to sleep so I can go through the mail, look over my e-mail and blog, or even be able to cook something for myself to eat finally! But I am sure EVERY stay-at-home Mom goes through that to some degree, I don't think its really a "Pilot's wife" thing. Most Mom's actually never have their husbands home during the day to be able to pop in and out all they want. And if they do its not for a month straight! So I count myself lucky.

Now don't you wish you were me? hee hee

Rude solicitor

2008-11-18T22:35:00.000-08:00

I really really really hate door to door sales people. Okay, I don't hate the people but the whole experience just rubs me the wrong way. Its like getting a telemarketer experience face to face, and who wants that? They have this rehearsed speech they just start rattling off and you start to wonder, "Should I interrupt them because I know I am not going to buy anything, or should I wait until they are done to be polite and then politely say goodbye, or should I just say 'screw it' and hang up on them?" And its worse when they are standing in front of you and all you want to do is slam the door in their face. But I am not that person. My husband is really good at doing this. He says, "No thanks" before they even start talking, and as the person is trying to get him to listen to them he starts to shut the door and just keeps saying, "No thanks."

Well this particular day the baby was taking a nap in her room and my husband and I were sacked out on the couch in front of the TV. I was woken up by the dog barking and my husband telling him to be quiet. Then I heard, "HELLO!" coming through the front door. I didn't hear a doorbell ring or a knock, but there was definitely someone outside our door. My husband was unaware and still groggy so I got up to get the door. There was this young African American lady with a backpack standing there and talking very loudly as I opened the door, "HI HOW ARE YOU TODAY?" I replied with, "My baby is sleeping..." She cut me off with, "OH, I DIDN'T KNOW THE BABY WAS SLEEPING." (Well DUH!... I was thinking to myself. How would she know there was a baby in our home? I didn't expect her to KNOW, I just expected her to lower her volume.) So NOW I was getting annoyed. Then she goes into her sales mode and asks me, "Have you gone green?" as she waved around an empty water bottle in the air. And I said (shrugging my shoulders), "Like.... what?" (I was wondering if she meant recycling or what in the world else she could possibly mean by that, and what business of it was it of hers?) She asked if I had bought any "Green" cleaning products. I said yes, then she asked if it was a certain brand, then I said I don't know, and then she asked when I bought it, and then I told her about a month ago (I didn't really know how long ago it was... but wanted this conversation to go fast and to get her to leave.) She responded, "Oh, well it wasn't (blank) then." And the very next breath she started to tear into her prepared sales pitch. That just made me want to slam the door. I hate those canned, practiced speeches, where they don't take a breath so you can't put a word in edge wise. So to stop her before she told me her long sales pitch, knowing I was going to say "No thanks" in the end, I said, "I'm sorry..." And before I could say the rest of my thought (I was going to say, "I'm sorry, but I am just not interested in another cleaning product.") But after those two simple words "I'm sorry" she started getting rude. She said back to me with an attitude, "You're sorry? Why would you say you're sorry?" And I started to get stern with her and rose my finger at her and said, "I am saying 'I'm sorry' because I am not interested..." And she said, "I'm Sorry?! I am not begging, I don't need your money!" And I was just so upset with her at this point I started closing the door on her as she was ranting and raving away at me. As I closed the door I heard her still saying, "She's sorry?! Who does she think she is?'

Okay, so since when were the words "I'm sorry" rude? And I was in no way commenting on her being a beggar. Perhaps she thought because I was white I was being racist or something??? I don't know. But I was really annoyed and upset and hurt after she left. I am a NICE person. I am NOT rude. I am a very sensitive and loving individual. I do not like to be rude, I don't like confrontations, and this is the very reason I hate sales calls or solicitors. My husband is great, he doesn't care about people's feelings when they are on our property disturbing us. He doesn't feign interest when he's not interested. I guess the magical words are, "No thanks." And saying, "I'm sorry" as you are cutting someone off in mid speech is rude? That's WHY I was saying, "I'm sorry" because I was interrupting her. It was a way of saying, "I'm sorry, but I don't want to hear anything more out of your mouth. I'm sorry, I am not interested in talking about this anymore. I'm sorry, but I am going to close the door in your face now."

I just had to vent... "I'm sorry" hee hee ;-) I get all bent out of shape when I have these types of interactions with people. I don't like people accusing me of being rude or giving me attitude. I don't think I deserve it. Of course, as my husband said, I had the right to blow her off... she was on our property and I don't have to stand there and listen to any one's sales pitch if I don't want to. But I think too much of how I am coming across to people. I am too concerned with coming across as the nice person. But in this case it backfired on me and it put me in the most foul mood afterward. And I took out my anger on my husband with some attitude of my own. I quickly apologized, but he wasn't too happy that I was allowing her to effect me so much. I can't help it, that's just how I am. I am sensitive. I need to develop a thicker skin and I need to learn to just say, "No thank you" over and over again as I smile and shut the door in people's faces. But even that seems to rude to me. But its better than getting in an argument with someone. You give someone a little bit of interaction and pretty soon they are there in front of your door rattling off some long speech and whipping out bottles of cleaner and washing your windows etc. Its just ugly. And before you know it I am writing a check to get them off my front lawn. I use to do that with telemarketers. I would buy something to get them to go away, or I would listen to their whole long sales pitch and then say, "No thanks" over and over and then finally hang up on them in exasperation.

...HELP!!! I need your help! Tell me how to get a backbone and be firm with these people, get rid of them quickly, and not feel like a bad person while doing it. UGH! At least now there is a "No call list." So now with telemarketers I can just say, "We are on the no call list, if you call us again we will report you." Or I just say, "No thanks" and hang up while they are still talking. But with a live person standing in front of me I lose my cool. I don't know how to act or what to say that isn't offensive or rude but gets the point across that I am not interested in hearing any sales pitch and for them to go away. And those "NO SOLICITORS" signs are so ugly and my husband hasn't wanted them up on our house. But I don't know what else to do. At least then I could point to the sign and just then close the door (kind of like being on the no call list). What is my problem? Why do I need a sign?

Who knew?

2008-10-21T22:16:00.000-07:00

Who knew excercising actually DOES make you feel better! And all this time I thought it was probably true, but never actually tried excercising when I was feeling down. But after going to the gym with a girlfriend of mine I felt extremely and downright happy! Cool! So, I guess I have a reason to keep going on a regular basis.

It helps to have a friend that is commited to working out like I am, as well. If she wasn't depending on me to meet her there at the gym then I could have easily come up with an excuse not to go at all the past few times. And we are also keeping an eye on each other's eating habits too, for accountability. Sounds scary, but it helps to know someone can see what you are eating at any time (we use an on-line calorie counting site).

Since the husband was gone this month and my family support down the street (the in-laws) were gone too, for about three weeks, I was feeling a bit more depressed than I was comfortable with. I am so glad that just working out for 30 minutes actually energized me and made me happy again! I didn't like the idea of seeking out professional help to get me to sleep at night and relieve my depression. I would rather not take medication if I can help it at all. (Not that it is bad to have to take medication, totally believe that some of my own family members are better off with it than without it. I just didn't want to go that route if there was an alternative.) Of course JD is happy about it too, he was getting concerned as well.

That is all I have to report for now... besides "Vote No on Prop 8!" Okay, I am done with the political campaigning now. (But if you want to know my reasoning see my "religious" blog.)

Bye!

Loneliness and Friends

2008-10-12T12:46:00.001-07:00

I am thankful that I have friends in those times where I am home alone with my baby and I feel twinges of loneliness or have a case of the blues.

I was at home in bed, it was only six o' clock, and I knew I would need to get myself dinner at some point and get the baby once she woke up from her nap. So I started texting a friend of mine:

"I'm bored and lonely"
"I don't want to cook anything for myself"
"Perhaps I will just go to MacDonald's or something once the baby wakes up."
five minutes later...
"I am having tuna and crackers for dinner... no cooking required :-)"

Then my friend calls me after this series of messages and invites me to dinner with herself and her friend. I got the baby and went and we had a great time. The following day we went to dinner as well and then she and her friend and her friend's husband came over to my house to play some games after the baby went to bed for the night. I am thankful for a good friend like her who comes to my rescue at a moment's notice.

The next night I again was feeling down, so I called another friend of mine and he came over right away and watched TV with me and talked with me about whatever was on my mind. He is someone I am also thankful for, that when I was down he just dropped everything and came over to cheer me up. Plus, he is gay... so my husband doesn't have to worry about me being in the house alone with him ;-) But besides that fact, he is just an all around wonderful friend, and I appreciate him a lot.

I am glad I have such great friends in my life, to come rally around me when my husband is gone flying somewhere and I miss him so much. I am blessed.

White legs

2008-10-08T13:39:00.000-07:00

Well today has been interesting, and its not over yet, its only 1:30pm. My day started when I was woken up at 4am this morning by KD with only getting 2 hours of sleep at that point, I have trouble falling asleep before 2am... an insomnia problem that I have had for a while. Then after we both fell back asleep I was woken up again at 9:30am from a deep sleep by her crying... time to get up. I should have felt at least somewhat rested at that point, but I felt like I hadn't slept at all and could have stayed in bed all day... and perhaps I should have. But I had a lot to do today (still have more to do).

So... after I instant messaged my hubby in a far away country, I fed KD and got ready myself, then proceeded to pack the baby in the car and drive off down my neighborhood street. Half way down the street I realized I forgot my phone, and I decided I better get it just in case something happened while I was out and about and needed to call for help or a tow or some other horrible scenario. I pulled into the driveway over more to the right side than I usually do, and thought to myself, "You need to remember you are over more and to be careful when you back out of the driveway." But after I got my phone, locked the house back up, hopped back into the car and put it in reverse I just backed up with out a glance in my right side mirror. Needless to say, that wasn't a good idea. I ended up running into the corner of our white picket fence. I heard a big "CHRUNCH" and stopped... pulled forward a little... got out of the car to assess the damage, and then saw the right rear tail light lens broken up and all over the ground. Well... at least the bumper and the rest of the car wasn't damaged. "Phew!" But what a dumb thing that was to do. Luckily, I was actually on the way to the car dealership to pick up at part for the car anyways and have it installed. When I got to the dealer they had the tail lens in stock and were able to replace it right away. Now all I have to worry about is the broken fence post.

I instant messaged JD to let him know that I had just cost us some unnecessary expense. He wasn't mad, but I felt like an air headed buffoon at this point. Then the day just kept getting better and better (insert sarcastic tone). I hadn't eaten lunch yet and decided to go across the street from the car dealer to Quiznos (a sandwich place). As I was I.M.-ing JD about the car and waiting for the cross walk to tell me to "walk" I realized I had the key to the car in my pocket. So I walked back over to the dealership and put the key back in the car, went back over to the cross walk and proceeded to Quiznos. When I got to the door of Quiznos it said they were closed and the place was empty inside... like they had moved out completely! I was so jittery and hungry at this point that I was starting to feel like the day just wasn't meant to go my way.

I then spotted a Togo's kitty corner from where I was (another sandwich place) so I proceeded to cross the street to go there. As I was crossing the street... again... a guy in a truck leaned out his window and said, "Get a tan, why don't you!" (or something to that effect) and I just smirked at him and shook my head and under my breath said, "whatever... jerk." I know, not very nice on my part either... but I was already having a bad day and this guy was being an idiot (so forgive me). And I was pushing my baby in a stroller across the street... like who cares if I have white legs? Who makes a comment like that to a mother pushing her baby in a cross walk? Just save your breath or keep it to yourself. I mean really, was that necessary?

You see, I live in Southern California... so apparently its a crime against humanity to have white legs here. Its so ridiculous. I call it white prejudism.. or reverse prejudice. I am sick of my easily tanned and Hispanic friends looking at my legs and saying, "why are your legs so white?", and strangers thinking that I am a freak for daring to even think of wearing shorts with white legs. I mean... God forbid I do such a horrendous thing! Its just a fact of life, my legs have never tanned. They hardly even pick up a sunburn. I'm WHITE people... get a clue! I don't have any dark skinned genes in my family (wish I did, it would be nice to look tan all year round). And skin cancer runs in my family, so I am not about to attempt to lay in the sun for hours and get a tan anyways. And, yes, I have tried the spray on tan stuff, but it wears off in a few days and I am not trying to impress anybody. I just stay at home with the baby all day, I am sure she could care less what color her Mommy's legs are. And my husband doesn't care... he is just as white as I am, plus he hates the smell of that spray tan stuff when I use it. And he thinks I am beautiful the way I am. I have accepted the fact that I will never be a brown goddess, tanned, ideal California girl. And I can give my naturally tan friends a hard time and joke about their being "prejudice" (ha ha)... but when a stranger yells it out a window at me... that is just mean. Okay... I am over it now. Thanks for letting me vent.

But that's not all! When I got to Togo's I dropped my cup twice, the baby started getting restless and crying... so I scarfed down the second half of my sandwich and left as soon as I could. And did I mention, it was so bloomin' hot outside! I had pit marks from my sweat (not a pretty picture) and I am sure my face was beet red (as it always gets when I am hot). When I got back to the dealership waiting room KD decided to throw a mini tantrum when I didn't let her walk into an area I didn't think she should go. And then later when I got my car I dropped my keys on the ground, I mean total butter fingers all day. I was happy to run home and just not do anything... accept write this blog while KD takes a nap. Maybe I need a nap too, so I can wake up again and start over. After all... I do have to head out again for more errands today, and I don't want to get into any more accidents. My experience at the dealership wasn't exactly something I wish to repeat either. Oh well, that is just how life is sometimes. I guess I just should laugh at it all and take a deep breath. But writing about it and complaining just a tad helps too ;-)

Cat check!

2008-10-05T23:31:00.000-07:00

So I was having a great time, laughing and playing games with my gal pals at the cabin, when I got a phone call from my Dad. Thankfully I got cell phone reception while up there in the mountains. My Grandmother wasn't doing well and he suggested I call her after we hung up. I did, and I am glad I did because two days later I got a call from him again that she had passed away. She was 94, so she had lived a long life. But its a bitter sweet thing when someone you love dies, even if they are elderly and in pain. I would have rather she died in her sleep one day, painlessly, when she was 100 years old or something. But that wasn't God's plan. I am glad I got to tell her one last time, "I love you" and that through the drugged up fog (from pain killers) she got the message and said, "I love you too."

Another reason to be happy is that for her 94th birthday I was able to take my new baby girl on a road trip with my husband to visit her (that is a photo from our visit). I had also thought to take video of her interacting with KD for my baby to be able to see what her Great Grandmother was like when they met. My Grandma was a funny lady. I always laughed when she sent me e-mails, such a great sense of humor. I remember after her second hip replacement surgery she announced that she was now a "hip-py" and then put on an orange wig and sent a picture out to everyone that showed her wearing it and holding up a peace sign and a big grin. It was so silly you just had to laugh. She also was always positive, no matter what. Such a great quality that I wish I possessed. She always had a smile on her face, had nice things to say about the worst people, and told the best anecdotes.

Here are a couple of her silly stories from some e-mails I saved from her: BTW... she always typed in all caps so she could read what she was writing. I have kept the font size and the typing as she wrote it.

She shared this story after I told her JD & I got a rabbit for a pet: "WHEN YOUR UNCLE WAS ABOUT 3 AND YOUR DAD WAS 2, WE DECIDED WE WOULD GET SOME RABBITS. WE GOT JOE, JOSEPHINE AND FANCY PANTS AND MADE LARGE HUTCHES FOR THEM. WE DIDN'T KNOW THAT JOSEPHINE HAD GOTTEN OUT FOR A NIGHT OF ROMANCE BEFORE WE GOT HER. NOT MANY DAYS AFTER THEY WERE SETTLED IN WE HAD 16 RABBITS !!! I THINK WE STARTED OUT WITH THE INTENTION OF ADDING THEM TO OUR MENU; BUT NONE OF US COULD STAND THE THOUGHT OF IT AND WE SOLD THEM. HAD TO TAKE DOWN A SECTION OF FENCE TO GET THEM OUT TO THEIR NEW OWNER"
She Shared this story after I told her JD dropped the bunny in the toilet accidentally: "ONE DAY I WAS IN MY BIG TUB AND THE WATER WAS PRETTY HOT WHEN ONE OF THE CATS DECIDED HE WANTED TO GET IN THE TUB- A FAVORITE PLACE TO GET A DRINK. I HAD TO KEEP PUSHING HIM OFF THE RIM OF THE TUB TO KEEP HIM OUT OF THE HOT WATER. NOW WE DO A CAT CHECK ON BATH DAY."

So, remember to do a "cat check" when you take a bath, in the memory of my Grandma. And its okay to laugh while you do... all the better to honor her memory. :-)

Exhausted

2008-09-26T23:09:00.000-07:00

I am exhausted... without JD around to help with the baby she is in tow with me for all my errands. And today I had a lot! I got so peeved when I realized I had to go get the car filled with gas (because I am going to the cabin with my gal pals) and it was already approaching KD's sleep time, and when I got to the pump and swiped my credit card it wouldn't read it. So I had to un-buckle the baby and get her out of her car seat, go inside with the card, go back to the pump and try not to get her near the nozzle (I didn't see the point of putting her back in the seat when I had to go back in the retrieve my card), then go back in and sign the receipt and buckle up the baby again... (I had already dragged her in and out of the car seat a few times by this point and was getting tired of all the in and out and juggling her along with bags and boxes etc.), I was just so tired at this point in the day. I was and am still going on 4 hours of sleep and didn't get a chance to take a nap.

Today I had to make sure the house was ready to be left for a week and that the person coming to take care of my dog had clear instructions on where things were and what I needed her to do... and I had to make an exchange to get KD the right age medicine (because she is teething, and I didn't want to run out of Tylenol while at the cabin if she got cranky and I had grabbed the stuff for toddlers, not babies), drop some things off at various locations and then at home make sure I had everything packed that I needed. I also did these errands in shifts around her nap times. And after my final errands, by the time I got the baby home she was not ready to go to bed yet, I had to bathe her still (she was filthy... food in the hair, black soles from dirty floors, etc.) and then get her all wound down and give her a bottle and try to get her to go to sleep. She went down around an hour after her normal time, that just pushed all my double checking and organizing duties to later in the evening and no relaxing time for me. And I was looking forward to sitting down for a while. Well... its getting late and I need to get ready for bed.

At least I have a wonderful week to look forward to with my friends. That will be a nice little vacation, and time away from the regular going-ons of life.

Oh... and did I mention, I found huge cockroach running across my kitchen counters at 3am when I went to make my crying baby a bottle! Yuck! I had to smash it with a nearby shoe and almost hurled... ewwwwwe!!! Now that's when you really miss your husband, for bug smashing and getting cockroach hotels for them to eat and die and go away.

Christians and gay marriage

2008-09-25T21:58:00.000-07:00

I bet you expect me to get on my soap box at this point and say how awful it is that California has allowed gay marriage and to vote YES on prop 8 yadda yadda... but I am not. Surprised?

I want to get on a different soap box and to say to other Christians that I don't think being homosexual is a sin and that two people who truly love each other should be allowed to be married, no matter if its two men or two women or two people of the opposite sex! I know... shocking. If you had met me about 4 years ago I would not have been this person. But after meeting someone who is actually gay and professes to be a Christian, and after not being repulsed (surprisingly enough) by him and his partner that he has been with for 15 years, I started to examine where my problem with homosexuals came from. I had read the Bible, I knew the what it said, and I knew there were people who thought that there were other ways to interpret what I read... but I had said, "Pish posh... another way to interpret that! No way." And then never checked out the other side to the story. After meeting a person that was actually okay with his homosexuality AND okay with his place with God AND in a monogamous relationship AND actually knew his Bible... well, that just started to change me.

I of course was his friend, at first thinking that I wouldn't judge him for being gay, and that I was being the bigger person by not forcing Christianity down his throat. And I thought that over time we may have a conversation about my faith and he would ask about God and I would slowly start to share with him what I believe and help him realize that being gay was something he would have to repent of etc. And I didn't particularly think that he would stop being gay, I just thought that the lifestyle of a gay person was a sin and he would have to be single for the rest of his life. But he surprised me, as I said, and after many in depth conversations I feel that I am a much less ignorant person.

I guess I will tell you more about my Christian upbringing so you will understand more about me and know how this new stance of mine, pro-gay-marriage, is a bit surprising. I am the daughter of a Pastor, and I was a teenager in the 80's when we all just started to know what AIDS and HIV was. And at that time many gay men were contracting the disease and many evangelists were preaching against homosexuality and saying that AIDS was God's way of bringing punishment on this group of people. My father never preached that from the pulpit, but I was hearing it from every Christian source around me, and he wasn't teaching me otherwise. I was young, I never met a gay person in my life, and I was naive. I tended to believe what the leaders of the Christian evangelistic community said without questioning it. And I believe it would be my Mother that was more strict with my upbringing in the church than my Father, anyways. And I know for a fact that to this day she believes that being gay is a sin and that it isn't possible for someone to be both gay and a Christian. My Dad, I am not sure right now. But my parents separated when I was 12 and I lived with my Mom at that point and right now my Dad lives in another state with his second wife (not the reason they split up... but that is a whole other long story) and I don't get to chat with him as intimately as I do with my Mom as often. Anyways... the point is, I was raised by a very traditional mother and a pastor for a father and when I lived with my mom in high school we attended a Southern Baptist church. That should be enough said, if you know anything about the Southern Baptists. As a child my Dad was a pastor of a non-denominational church, so the Southern Baptist thing was new to me. And my Mom was raised by parents that were Prairie church goers (they are something close to what a Quaker is, but with out the horse and buggies etc.) but she wasn't necessarily a Baptist either. The church just happened to be within walking distance of our apartment and the people were very welcoming and friendly to us. My dad happened to wander over to the Methodist denomination and become an associate pastor for a couple churches, and I have two older brothers... one is now an Episcopal Priest (like a Catholic, but without all the hail Mary's and praying to the saints and confessing to priests... and the priests can get married... thank goodness). And the other brother doesn't go to church anymore, he figures he got all the information he needs while we grew up, and our Mom made us go to church every Sunday, and now the outdoors is kind of his church... place of worship, kind of. So you can see we are all over the place. But both my brothers have pretty much come to the same conclusions on their own, and that amazes me, considering our upbringing and where we went from there. And we all three have VERY different personalities... I mean VERY VERY different. But we love each other despite those differences. (Our Dad can be applauded for that, he was always telling us to be ourselves and encouraging what made each of us unique, not expecting any of us to act like the other one or comparing us to each other.)

So you get the picture? So, you may be asking (if you are NOT pro-gay-marriage) what made me change my mind? The Bible verses still are there and they still say the same words, so what can possibly make me see them differently? Well, the first influence was actually meeting a gay Christian (as I have stated), the second was taking a second look at the scriptures and starting to analyze it more on my own and pray about it and see if anything changed for me. (I am not going to list the verses here that talk about homosexuality, most people already know the verses, or know how to find those verses in the Bible... so I will spare you the list.) At first it still seemed like pretty damning evidence against gays, but I kept reading and thinking and praying. I wanted to see if I came up with any of my own conclusions before I read any body else's, I didn't want to be influenced one way or another by someone else unless I really knew what the Bible said and was able to have my own independent thoughts on those verses. And then I thought if I come across other people who have concluded what I have concluded then perhaps it is actually the leading of the Holy Spirit that brought me to those conclusions.

I know that the Bible says in Romans 13:8-10 "Let no debt remain outstanding, except the continuing debt to love one another, for he who loves his fellowman has fulfilled the law. The commandments, 'Do not commit adultery,' 'Do not murder,' 'Do not steal,' 'Do not covet,' and whatever other commandment there may be, are summed up in this one rule: 'Love your neighbor as yourself.' Love does no harm to its neighbor. Therefore love is the fulfillment of the law." And Galatians 3:23-25 says, "Before this faith [in Jesus] came, we were held prisoners by the law, locked up until faith should be revealed. So the law was put in charge to lead us to Christ that we might be justified by faith. Now that faith has come, we are no longer under the supervision of the law." (I added the bold on both verses, of course.) And Jesus also said , when asked which is the greatest commandment, " 'You shall love the Lord your God with all your heart, with all your soul, and with all your mind.' This is the great and foremost commandment. The second is like it, 'You shall love your neighbor as yourself.' On these two commandments depend the whole Law and the Prophets." This is found in Matthew 22:37-40. And I have always lived my life believing this to be true. I am not to be the judge of others but to love them. And it is the Holy Spirit of God that does the convicting. After all, Jesus just commanded us to go into all the world and preach the gospel, he didn't say that it is our job to "save" the world... that is HIS job.

With all of those verses pointing to love as the greatest commandment and the way to fulfill the whole law I started to think about which laws of the old covenant (found in Leviticus) should we still follow and which do we no longer follow? And there are many reasons we follow certain traditional laws in the Bible and not others... and that is another long story. But I was thinking that God wants me to love all people, gay or straight, and that he must love them too! And that may sound like a "duh" kind of thing, but it led to other thoughts. So why all the condemnation by the apostle Paul in the beginning of the book of Romans about homosexuals? I can let go of the old testament laws in Leviticus, saying that homosexual behavior is wrong, because it is an old law... but once its restated in the new testament then, well you kind of have to take heed. Then I realized... that's it! The behavior of homosexuality is wrong, but being gay isn't necessarily! But there had to be more to the story than that. But that is all I could get to. If you read Romans you will see in the first chapter what I am referring to. Its the part where its says, "they exchanged the unnatural for the natural" etc. And I thought there is something to that verse that I am not quite catching. And on my own the best I could come up with is that its the behavior. And what I also ended up concluding is that the people mentioned in Romans are not gay, they are heterosexual people who are having orgies and sleeping with the same sex and just being perverted. They aren't "gay", they are behaving that way because of pagan rituals and idolatry. But this didn't answer my questions about a gay person who loves another gay person and is in a monogamous relationship that is basically like me being married to my husband, except it is against the law for them to get married. And I sympathized with them, I mean I would hate to be told that I could not marry the man I love! That would be horrible!

I put myself in their shoes and just couldn't bear the thought, and imagine we (generally speaking) as Christians are asking them to be celibate for the rest of their life and not be with the person they love!??? Whoa! That is tough! And I know God asks us to do tough things sometimes, and that is what we are to do as Christians, to lay ourselves aside for God and sacrifice everything for Him. But God doesn't ask all straight people to be celibate, why do we expect the same from them? If its not good for us to "burn", as it also says in I Corinthians 7:9 "...it is better to marry than to burn with passion" when Paul is talking about staying single, then it reasons to think that the same should go for a homosexual as a heterosexual. But who am I to question God, right? I also know the scripture says a divorced man that re-marries is an adulterer and a man that marries a divorced woman is also an adulterer (Matthew 19:9 and Luke 16:18). And why do I stick that one in here? Well, there are plenty of people sitting in the pews at church that fall into this category (my father is actually one of these people) and we as a church (in general) are accepting these people and not pointing our fingers at them and yelling "adulterer! adulterer!" And it makes me wonder, why do we extend the grace of God's salvation to them and not to a gay couple that wants to follow God's laws and go to church as well? (Just food for thought. I am NOT saying we need to run the divorced and remarried people in our churches out the door!)

Okay, back on topic... Then I caught a glimpse of a newspaper article in the break room at work one day. It was about a woman who lived in my city that had the same dilemma as I had about gays and the church and made a movie about it! Its called "For the Bible Tells Me So" and I really wanted to see it. But it was just showing at the Sundance festival and I couldn't go to it. But I never forgot the title. A couple years later I looked the title up on the internet and found a church that was showing it. So I went with my gay/ Christian friend from work that I had become so close with and had some wonderful open and frank discussions about this issue.

We made it to the showing a little late, but found out after the showing that we could just go online and buy the movie. So I did that and now I have my own copy! And you can get one too, if you like, at http://firstrunfeatures.com/forthebibletellsmesodvd.html I was so happy, now I could watch it and pause it and look up scripture and see if I agreed or disagreed with what they were saying. And really keep praying about it. I really don't want to just fool myself because something makes me uncomfortable, I know that sometimes we are to be uncomfortable with the world we live in, and sometimes that is a good thing. And after watching it again I actually didn't like how they explained the verses in Romans, so that didn't help me there. But I was still even more convinced after watching the movie that it just isn't right to tell gay people they are going to Hell and thinking that there is no way for them to become a Christian and still be gay and be in a loving relationship, like my friend. It just seemed so wrong to treat people like him that way. And I don't condone sex outside of marriage, for either gay or straight people (so don't get me wrong there, Christians). The Bible really only allows the sexual act in one context without calling it sin, and that is inside marriage. And there was my ultimate dilemma, if its not a sin to be homosexual/ gay/ lesbian but its a sin to engage in a same sex act (or any sex act) outside of marriage then can gays get married? Because if gays could get married then that would solve my dilemma. But would God actually support gay marriage, if he was going to the polls and voting on prop 8 what would He do... What Would Jesus Do? (ha ha... had to do that) I still thought that two people, who loved God, loved each other, and who weren't harming anyone else by being in that union together, gay or straight, should be able to get married. I just didn't know what God actually thought about it. The Bible doesn't talk about marriage between two people of the same sex, and actually in Biblical days that concept wouldn't even exist. So its hard to know that if its not mentioned does that mean its wrong?

Well, I talked to my Episcopal Priest brother at this point, after all... the movie did feature a gay Episcopal bishop in it, Gene Robinson. I figured my brother must have an opinion on the subject, in fact I remember being very closed to a discussion that came up between us years ago about the possibility of the scriptures on homosexuality being interpreted differently than I thought. (What a difference putting a face to the label "gay" makes.) And yes, I have met other gay people... but one guy was living the life of celibacy and I had applauded him for it (and still do anyone who decides that is the life for them) and I had met another gal who's girlfriend had "found God" and broke up with her and she became suicidal over it. All I could do for that girl was open the Bible and show her the verses that everyone was talking about, to explain her ex-girlfriend's behavior, and encourage her to come to my church and meet this other gay person I knew. She almost came to my church, but never did. I wish I still had her contact information... I would definitely have a different conversation about it all with her today. I didn't judge her or tell her to stop being a lesbian, but I didn't tell her to keep being one either. I really didn't know what the answer was, but I had faith that God would give her the answer if she came to be saved. I don't think I was very helpful to her. I pray to God that she finds the answers and comes to know God and love herself in the end, and not be suicidal anymore. Please God! Okay, enough on that tangent. (But now you know a bit more on my history with gay people.) So, I e-mailed my brother and asked about the movie and his thoughts on my thoughts.

My brother wrote back to me, and I am just going to copy and paste here what he wrote. Its too long to break down and re-phrase, and much better just said the way he said it.:

"First of all, we have to be as clear as possible about what Paul was and wasn't talking about. He couldn't have been talking about"homosexuality," as that wasn't a category people used in his day. Paul probably had no notion of sexual orientation, and his words are always about concrete sexual behaviors. One can agree that Paul condemned the specific sorts of homosexual behaviors he talks about, but this doesn't mean he would today condemn same-sex marriage. In other words, we know that whenever he speaks of sex acts between the same sex, the only types of acts he speaks about (and possibly the only types he knew about) were acts that were incompatible with Christian discipleship, not because they were same-sex, but because they were akin to adultery, fornication, and idolatry. The notion of same-sex marriage would have been foreign to him, I'm sure, and he might well have rejected the idea, but that would be due to the notion of marriage as for the procreation of children alone.

If you grant that marriage nowadays is broader than procreation, and that a marriage without procreation is just as valid as a marriage with it, and bring adoption into the picture, then we have to realize that "marriage" as it is used today does not equal "marriage" as Paul used it. Paul still lived in societies where polygamy was considered normal, and he only restricts bishops (I Timothy) to having "one wife." He never says anywhere else that Christian converts with multiple wives should divorce the others, for instance! Paul never condemns polygamy, yet today the mainstream Christian churches are unanimous that polygamy is incompatible with Christian discipleship.

My basic point is that things change and the Bible can't be looked to in all instances as the answer book to every question. It's not a Magic 8 Ball. It's the story of God's faithfulness to God's people, beginning with Israel, and extended to all humanity through the salvation offered in the crucified, risen, and ascended Lord. Within that story are many details from which we glean clues about what is and what is not compatible with faithful Christian discipleship. And it takes years for us to come to conclusions about these issues. Up until the 19th century, slaveholding and Christianity were judged by many to be perfectly compatible, as long as you didn't treat your slaves harshly. Now we know that the ownership of any human being by another degrades that person's dignity and sins against the fact that every human is made in the Image of God."

I thought what he said was very insightful (actually he wrote more than that, but I won't make this entry any longer than it needs to be at this point), and it confirmed my own thoughts and findings on the subject. And that made me feel that the Holy Spirit has been leading me down this path of discovery and that I am not just buying into the world view and weakening my faith and my Christian walk by believing that gay marriage is actually okay. And I felt that I could start voicing my opinion publically and stop feeling that I should be ashamed by my thoughts. But its hard to just blurt out, "I support gay marriage" and have people understand where I am coming from on this. I think that the Bible is talking about some homosexual activity that is a sin, and there are plenty of people in this world who are gay that I think are in sinful relationships or behaving in ways that are sinful, but I also think that of straight people too... so I am not being predjudice here. There are plenty of people on both sides of the fence that are sinning sexually. But I know for sure that there are people in this world that are born homosexual and that this is not a choice for them. Yes, there are some people who are dabbling with homosexual behavior that are not born that way, and yes I do think that is wrong. But for those that have been born gay (which I believe would be the majority, not the minority of the gay population) its like asking a woman to stop being a woman, or asking a black man, "Why can't you stop being black?" Which is the same point one of the people in the movie, "For the Bible Tells Me So," makes at the very end. And I agree. It seems perposterous.

I have found a website that has two men (that are also gay) debating this issue of wether a gay person needs to remain celibate for the rest of his life or if God blesses same-sex marriages. You can read their essays at http://www.gaychristian.net/greatdebate.php They are both very thorough essays, and much longer than this blog post I just wrote, so you may want to just bookmark the website page to read at a later date. I am sure if you have read this all the way to the end you are probably tired of reading... and perhaps a bit peaved at me as well. But I encourage every Christian to prayerfully examine the scriptures themselves and to not just blindly agree with even the most respected Christian leaders, or even just agree with me. We must all make this journey as individuals and I believe that in the end, even if I am wrong, or if you are wrong that God's grace will cover our ignorance and that He will bless us for even trying to understand His will. He doesn't expect us to know all the answers, as my brother said, "God just expects us to love and worship God and to love each other as Christ has loved us." Amen!

Husband gone

2008-09-25T18:09:00.000-07:00

So the husband just left, and I feel bad for him (because he kept on saying, "I don't want to go, I don't want to go...") but this time I am glad he left. I had plans for this weekend to leave for a stay at a cabin with some friends for over a week, and I didn't want to cancel them. Makes me feel bad for actually wanting him to leave, but "oh well!" I love him, but I need my girl time too. I am actually very excited to be going, I am all packed and ready.

Ah... the baby has awakened. More on my mixed feelings of happiness and sadness later.

"Husband gone continued"... 9:28pm

Okay, so as I was saying... I am going to miss my husband and I feel bad that he has a few long layovers that he hates and that he is going to be smushed in an over-crowded plane and that he for some reason can't sleep when he is on a plane and... you get the picture. He was hoping that he would be flying back to work in a new plane for their fleet (flying it himself), and that he was going to be home an extra week, or at least a few extra days. He was mostly hoping for this because he was taken away for an extra 8 days for training during his time home (they take training out of his home time and not out of his work time for some reason). And I agreed that it would be wonderful for him to have that extra week home and to be able to fly their new plane back, instead of being smushed in coach unable to sleep... but like I was saying... I had a week all planned out to go to the cabin with my nearest and dearest girlfriends two days after his regular scheduled day to go back to work!

So I felt for him, but I was a bit torn because I was looking at the possibility of canceling on my friends to be with him, but now I am SO HAPPY he is gone! The plane wasn't ready when they thought it would be and now my previously stressed out friends, that thought I was going to drive them to the cabin and be hanging out with them with NO BOYS allowed, are EXCITED that I am joining them again. Yippee!!!! I really hated jerking them around with all the drama... "he may be home for an additional week... now it may be just a few days longer at home... ok now he is leaving when we thought he would be and I am coming." But welcome to the world of a pilot's wife! Where all your best laid plans go to hell and you are left with a pile of disappointment... or you are ecstatically happy that everything actually worked out as you had hoped! Yep, that's the pilot's wife's life. Aren't you jealous? And you thought it was all... free tickets, and Hawaiian vacations, and loads of money... didn't you? NOT! Beware, if you are dating or planning on marrying a pilot, you need to be prepared to be jerked around a lot. It just happens in this particular case I am actually happy he is leaving me and not staying home for an extra un-planned week. I would be totally bummed right now if I didn't have those plans, I am almost sure of it ;-)

My First Rambling...

2008-09-25T17:29:00.000-07:00

I tend to ramble on and on when I write... so I thought the title of my Blog should have the word "rambling" in it somewhere. I am a pilot's wife (so that was an obvious addition to the title), I am a mother of an 11 months old girl (currently), and I have a BA degree in Interior Design but at the moment I am a stay-at-home-Mom.

My husband wishes me to not put any super specific information about him, his, job or about our family because he doesn't know who is going to see and read my blog. So forgive me for not posting pictures or anything else super specific. I think I will refer to myself as AD, my husband as JD, and my daughter as KD... its our initials (duh!) and I think that is safe enough. I will say I live in Southern California, that is probably helpful to know but no one can "stalk" me using that information. I guess anything else pertinent to know I will add as we go along.

My husband is a pilot for a charter company, not an airline, and he is gone for 35 days at a time, and home for 31 days. But I cannot divulge his specific whereabouts or the company he works for, so don't ask ;-) He does make enough money with his current job for me to stay home with the baby, who is becoming less of a baby every day. I have no inkling of desire to work at the moment, so I am happy to be home with the baby and raise her. I am glad that I don't have that desire, like some other women have, so I can be happy at home. Don't get me wrong, when I worked I loved it, and I was looking forward to doing more with my BA degree in Interior Design and furthering that career. But once the baby came and JD got his job offer that allowed me to quit my job I jumped on the chance! And for now I am going to be a mom and just focus on that. The rest will come in due time, and I am sure I will be sucessful in the future as an Interior Designer when my children (this includes the future child I am hoping to have in a couple years) start going to school. I do have my business cards out there still, and occasionally get a call for a quote or a question on pricing for someone's friend, mother, or client. But I am not advertising my Interior Design business at this time.

I also am a Christian, non-denominational, and will be using my blog to vent on a few subjects now and then. But I am sure it will be easy enough for people to skip over those parts when they aren't interested. I will make sure to title my rambling thoughts on religious issues clear. I don't want to force my opinions on people, but it will be nice to have a place to put some thoughts down... if you like reading it cool, if not that's cool too. But its MY blog after all. So get use to it.

I also write music, play the piano and sing... and would like to promote that part of my life here, but alas I won't. I can't tell you my full name. But I have my music uploaded on MySpace and Facebook anyways. So, that's cool. I just wanted you to know I am more than just a pilot's wife. I have my own life and talents and interests. And more to talk about than just the life of being a pilot's wife. Oh yeah, I also draw and paint... so I am a pretty creative person overall.

Well, I think that is good enough rambling for now. Thanks for reading my blog!